“I do know this. Jeez, spit it out, Holly.” I popped another handful of jelly beans into my mouth.
“We need you to drop about fifteen pounds, Grace.”
The jelly beans congealed in my throat and lodged there.
“Or I should spit it out,” I joked, swallowing hard.
“Here’s the thing. This is very common. Producers are looking at the overall package—everything, right? They have tons of notes, from what kind of car you should be driving to whether the hardwood floors in your on-set home should be lighter or darker. Perhaps your hair should be a little more red. And, well . . .”
“My ass should be a little smaller,” I completed for her, placing the jelly beans back on the shelf and straightening up, lengthening my frame and pulling in my tummy.
“No, we actually got great notes on your ass,” she replied, shuffling through papers on her desk. I looked in horror at Michael.
“I was kidding!” I laughed, forcing my hands to unclench from the fists that had formed.
“Grace, come on, you’re beautiful, I—” Michael started, and Holly interrupted him.
“Here it is. The exact note is: ‘We need her to have a little more cheekbone, a little more jawline,’” she read, looking over her glasses at me as she finished.
“A little more cheekbone,” I repeated, mentally tallying how many miles I was already running in a week and wondering how many more I could squeeze in.
“Grace, look. Do you know how many times I’ve had this conversation with someone I represent? I honestly can’t count at this point,” she began tiredly.
“This sucks,” I succinctly pointed out.
“It does suck, but that’s the industry you’ve chosen. The good and bad, you get it all. You want less cheekbone, you move into the best friend category, okay?” she said, eyes blazing.
“Let’s look at this a different way, maybe—” Michael started, and I held up my hand.
“I’m a big girl—literally, apparently. I can handle this,” I said, and Holly sighed.
“I love you, ya little fruitcake, but this is the way it is. You’ve been given an amazing opportunity, one that other actors in this industry have been working toward for years and would live on lettuce and Diet Coke for months to get. You’ve got it. This is just part of the gig.” Her eyes softened a bit. “This is totally something you can do. I know you can.” She smiled.
“Hey, if that’s what I need to do, that’s what I need to do, right? Not a problem,” I assured her, smiling through my teeth.
“You sure?” Michael asked, clearly uncomfortable with this entire conversation.
“I got this.” I nodded.
“We good?” Holly asked.
“We’re good.” I nodded again.
We all sat together, quiet. Three friends who had found one another in a college theater class and were now working in their chosen industry, in positions most could only dream about. What a strange world this was.
“So, I hear we’re going dancing tonight? Tell me more,” Holly said, leaning back in her chair and putting her feet up on the desk, indicating that the business portion of our meeting was over.
I started to tell her all about the plans for the evening, but all I could think about were those damn jelly beans.
Driving home I put the top down, no matter who could see. My mind was whirling. I needed some air. With the stereo cranked up, I navigated the streets of the city I loved, the city I worked so hard to get back to.
After leaving Los Angeles the first time, I spent several years—the better part of a decade really—smothering my feelings in smothered chicken. And burgers. And lots and lots of Doritos. I felt such shame that I hadn’t managed to even last a year in L.A. that when I came home I licked my wounds, and the inside of more than one Klondike bar wrapper. Then I cocooned. Years went by, and I found a great job that allowed me some creativity but all behind a computer. I didn’t go out much, didn’t date at all, and as the pounds packed on and my sadness grew, I lost so much of what was me, what Jack had so quickly identified as his Nuts Girl. I eventually pulled myself out of it, rallying big-time to come back to L.A. and try again. And within the span of a year, I was about to live out every dream I’d ever had, and the dream of actors everywhere. This would be my breakout role, one way or another.
So what’s fifteen pounds, really?
Nothing, except I already managed what I ate so carefully. And exercised religiously. Dating a younger man initially brought back so many of my fears—not good enough, not young enough, not thin enough—but it was finally good. It was really good with Jack, and I was content with how I looked. For the first time in a long time, I felt good when I looked in the mirror.
So they need fifteen pounds. If they asked you to dye your hair a deeper shade of red, would you do it?
Yep.
If they said your character should have blue eyes, would you get contacts?
I’m afraid of touching my eyeballs.
And yet . . .
Yes, I would do it.
So what’s fifteen pounds? It’s certainly not going to stand in your way of this . . . is it?
It really shouldn’t.
My phone interrupted my inner monologue. It was Holly.
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop whatever it is you’re doing. Don’t let this freak you out.”
“Wow, you’re good,”
“That’s why I get fifteen percent. Which, based on the contract I negotiated for you, is significant. So trust me, okay?”
“I do; I do.”
“So stop it. Go home, get prettied up, and we’ll shake our asses all over town tonight. Now that’s an order.”
I smiled into the phone, giving up the fight even before it began. I pulled to a stop on Beverly, leaning my head back against the seat. Closing my eyes for a moment, I could feel the good sunshine soaking into my pores, the scent of the canyons ahead thick in the air. Smog, perhaps, but definite canyon mixed in.
“I’ll pick you up at eleven, dillweed.”
“So late? My God are we old.” Holly laughed.
“You said it.” I hung up the phone and headed home. To the home I shared with a twenty-four-year-old.
Fifteen pounds. I got this.
Atta girl . . .
“Jesus, look at that line!” I yawned, as we pulled up in front of Bar the Door later that night. Very much later that night. It was eleven thirty, and young Hollywood was out in force. Holly and I stepped out of the car to valet and made our way toward the front of the line. I looked down at my little black dress, glad Holly had talked me into dressing up a bit. Her instincts, as usual, were correct, as the ladies waiting to get in were dressed to the nines. Eyes—irritated eyes—pored over me as we walked up to the front. Eyes that said, Bitch, you better not get in before me . . .
Yes, every now and again it was nice to be dating the new It Boy. And also a Brit Boy.
“Jack said our names would be on the list,” I whispered to Holly as we approached the giant bouncer. His eyes were more appreciative than the ladies in line. He smiled as we walked up.
“Hi, we’re guests of Adam Kasen’s.” Holly grinned, blond hair swinging over her shoulder, swinging down low into her cleavage. She was looking good. Velvet ropes were pushed aside, smiles were bestowed, and we were ushered in.
In to a different world. Black walls, mirrored ceiling, bars everywhere, and music. Thick, screaming house music. Industrial, heavy, it pounded in my ears and got inside my brain. Everything about this place was sexy, and it was packed with sexy people. Dancing, mingling, kissing, this was no longer Los Angeles. This was Hollywood. And it was hot.
A bouncer inside immediately brought us to the VIP area, and there behind a double round of more velvet ropes was Jack. Reclining into a plush red leather banquette, he was drinking a Heineken and watching the scene. He was surrounded by young Hollywood hipsters. I recognized most of NBC’s fall lineup. It was a
unique opportunity to see him in his element but unnaturally so.
He had no idea how strong his personality was, the innate star quality he possessed. The fact that he was unaware of it made him even more appealing. He was the only one who was unaware of it, however, and as we got closer I saw the girls, all the girls. But how could I blame them?
Some of the other guys from his film were there, hanging around but not hanging on. These guys were actors too, and they were in the same position Jack was in just two years ago: breaking in but not breaking big yet.
And there was Adam Kasen. He was the It Boy, the It Boy this town had bet everything on a few years ago. He’d been in Jack’s position back then: the one everyone wanted to work with. But rather than being smart like Jack, Adam rushed into big-budget after big-budget, huge movies that cost a ton and flopped miserably. A few bad reviews, a few scandals in the tabloids, and his star had fallen fast. He had a reputation for being difficult to work with, showing up late and, throwing tantrums—a nightmare on the set. A nightmare wrapped up in a very handsome package. Dark hair, deep-set brooding eyes, he was stunning. And a little bit dangerous, which explained why even though he was not nearly as in demand as he was a few years ago, he still had a blonde on each arm.
Jack was laughing at something Adam was saying. When the two first met, Jack had taken an instant liking to Adam, telling me how he had gotten a bad rap, that the stories told about him were exaggerated, that he was not the bad boy everyone had made him out to be. I hoped so.
Jack caught my eye as we approached, and a slow grin spread across his face. Draining his beer, he gestured for the bouncer to let us behind the ropes, and just like that, we were VIPs. He stood to hug Holly and then let his arm fall around my waist. A little too familiarly. I gently nudged back against him. I shook my head at him slightly, and he rolled his eyes. The last thing he needed was a picture of the two of us manhandling each other at a high-profile bar on Twitter in two minutes. He started to step back to a respectable distance but couldn’t resist dropping a quick kiss on my cheek, one that could have been interpreted as friendly, except for what he whispered in my ear as he let me go.
“Your tits look fabulous in that, Crazy,”
“Behave, George,” I admonished, slapping him in the chest and achieving a safe separation. The girls in the banquette were quickly ushered aside to make room for Holly and me, and we sat down.
“You must be Grace. My man has been watching the door all night,” Adam said, dropping down next to us and taking my hand.
“Yes, and you’re Adam. Thanks so much for the invite tonight. This place is incredible!” I gushed, shaking his hand and noticing that up close, he was just as attractive as he was from far away. This guy must be lethal.
“I can’t believe you haven’t been here before. I’m always telling Jack to get you to come out too,” he answered, still holding my hand.
“Just a homebody, I guess. Have you met Holly?” I asked, gesturing to my best friend. “This is Jack’s manager.”
“Sure, sure, I know Holly. We’ve met before. If I’d been smart, I would have hired her ages ago. She might have been able to keep me in line.” He smiled, dropping my hand and taking hers.
“Doubtful. But it’s good to see you again. I was surprised when I heard you’d signed on to this project,” she answered, shaking his hand.
“Surprised? Why?”
“Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great move on your part. I was just surprised to see you in a movie without an action figure,” she replied, smiling genuinely when she saw Adam’s jaw clench.
As I watched the two of them, Jack’s hand kept wandering over to my knee. He was handsy tonight. Must have been the Heineken. I nudged him back, spotting several girls in the crowd just beyond the VIP section taking it all in.
“Well, let’s just say I’ve learned my lesson. I’m a fucking Boy Scout nowadays,” Adam answered, pulling one of the blondes down onto his lap and gesturing for a waiter to bring over another bottle of champagne. He raised a glass as Holly laughed, taking her own when it was offered.
“To the Boy Scouts,” she toasted, and rolled her eyes at me over the rim. I bit back a laugh, pulling Jack’s hand once more off my knee. The music was pounding, and I was dying to dance.
“Shall we?” I asked Holly, nodding toward the dance floor.
“Hell yes, I need to shake my ass,” she affirmed, draining her glass and moving beyond the velvet ropes. Adam was busying himself with the blondes and had already lost interest in us.
“You coming?” I asked Jack.
“I’m watching.” He smirked, leaning back against the leather and taking another bottle off the waiter’s tray as he passed by.
“That’s no fun, George,” I teased, backing away.
“Depends on what you’re watching.” He winked, taking a sip of his beer and licking his lips as a shudder ran through me.
I continued to back away, turning around at the velvet ropes and making sure to add a little extra sexy to my hips, knowing he was watching. I joined Holly on the dance floor as the music changed to a new song, heavy bass pumping through the club. I threw back my head and gave myself over to the beat. Holly and I carved out our own dance space, losing ourselves in the song and the vibe. Screaming synthesizers and angry guitar buffeted everyone on the floor, hands groping and hips bumping as collectively we thrashed. Song after song we danced, energy spiking and spiraling throughout.
Sex poured through the speakers, oozed onto the floor, and inflamed everyone as we danced. It was dark and enveloping, hot and sticky, sweaty. I pulled my hair back from my face and felt hands on my hips, pulling me back against another body. I smiled, looking over my shoulder at who belonged to the hands. Just another guy at a club, looking for someone to dance with. Tall and handsome, his hands moved me, and I looked over his shoulder to find Jack.
Still sitting against the red leather, his eyes burned into mine as he took in the sight of me dancing with another man. I raised my arms up, the hem of my little black dress sliding farther up my legs. I let my hands tangle into his hair, feeling my body press along his, sliding low and then back up again, my fingers now tangling behind his neck as we moved together. I turned to grin at my partner, noticing that his boyfriend had appeared and was dancing behind him. Moving slightly, I slid in between the two, feeling both men encircle me, one leg sliding inside my own, grinding me hard. I let my head fall back against my new partner, feeling the beat of the music slip inside and pound my brain.
I closed my eyes and could feel the bass drugging me, relaxing me more than alcohol ever could. I was spun quickly, and as I smiled at Holly, lost in her own world with a very good-looking guy who couldn’t be older than twenty, I glanced at the VIP section, wondering if Jack was still enjoying the view. I felt hands dipping lower on my legs and dragging my dress higher than was probably appropriate, and I was pulled back suddenly, a very wet mouth finding my neck and sucking hard at my shoulder. I began to turn when that very mouth was pressed against my ear.
“Fucking Nuts Girl, do you know what you do to me?” my Brit whispered, teeth sinking into my skin and shocking me still. My eyes rolled back in my head as I felt him, hard and thick against my back. I reached up, but he grabbed at my hand, turning it and pinning it behind me, holding me tightly. He pressed my hand against him, letting me feel exactly what I had done to him. I moaned, the beat pulsing and continuing to assault as he turned my face to the side. Kissing the side of my neck, he thrust himself against my hand, and I couldn’t resist giving him a squeeze.
He groaned low in his throat, and he released my hand, encircling my waist with his strong arms, pulling me even more flush against him, moving now with the music. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and one of his hands came up to tweak my nipple, causing me to gasp.
“I thought you didn’t dance,” I said, pushing my hips into his, relishing in the lust that was cooking on this dance floor.
He turned me roughly in
his arms, hitching one of my legs up high around his hip, his fingers dangerously close to my panties. He played with the lace, slipping underneath and grazing me, watching as my eyes grew wide.
“I’m not dancing,” he breathed, then crushed his mouth to mine. In the middle of the dance floor in the middle of Hollywood, Jack Hamilton pressed his fingers against me, hidden from the crowd and only known to me. Working to the beat, he thrust, the green on fire in his eyes as I struggled to keep upright.
“Jesus, what are you— Ohhh,” I moaned. Knowing how dangerous this was made it sweeter, and I was on the verge within seconds of his skin meeting mine.
“I love watching you,” he panted, keeping me pulled tightly into him, totally at his mercy, his hand hidden between our bodies.
“Yes, yes! God, Jack, yes,” I panted, riding his hand shamelessly, my nails digging into the back of his neck as he hissed in pain.
“You ready?” he asked, his eyes on mine as I got close, so close, so very close. I nodded, incapable of speech, lost.
“Great, let’s go,” he grinned, removing his hand and straightening my dress. I stumbled slightly, and he grasped my hand, pulling me through the club. Waving at Holly, he motioned toward the door as she smiled back, mouthing to me, “Call you tomorrow.”
I was stunned, my skin still warm from his touch, still tingling from what had just happened. I shook my head to clear it, not believing I had let things get carried so far away. I let him guide me to the door, and he released my hand as we neared the entrance. “I can’t wait to get you home,” he whispered in my ear, that grin that always made me smile stretching back across his face.
“I’m gonna get you for that, George,” I warned, sighing as he pursed his lips in a silent kiss.
“Counting on it.” He winked and leaned back into the door.
Which opened into a barrage of flashbulbs.
four
Jack pushed back against me, slamming me into the wall as the paparazzi surged, flashes going off from every direction. My head hit the brick, and I let out a gasp as I fumbled for my balance. People were screaming his name, shouting and yelling and trying to get their shots.