That’s how much I wanted Nash to love me.
When I let him go, Tod held my gaze for a long moment, searching my eyes. Then he blinked out of sight without a word.
I turned to face Nash slowly, my pulse racing. I stared at the floor as I weighed my options, the possibilities, and my own heart.
“Kaylee?” Nash whispered, and I looked up to find him watching me. Still waiting for my answer, as if Tod had never interrupted. “I know it doesn’t do any good for me to make promises, because you don’t trust me right now. But I swear, I’ll spend every day earning your trust back. Let me prove it. Give us one more shot, Kaylee.” He stood, and his eyes were shiny with tears. “Please. I need you.”
I didn’t know what to say. Needing me wasn’t enough. Not after what he’d done. Love should have meant more than getting high. I should have meant more…
Nash did love me. I could see the truth of that in his eyes and I desperately wanted it to be enough. But Avari would never die, and even though he was clean now, Nash would always be addicted to him. And what if he started using again?
I’d already lost classmates, and free will, and trust, and I’d almost lost both my father and Nash. How much more could I afford to lose if he gell off the wagon?
“I can’t, Nash. Not yet. I’m sorry.” My eyes watered, but I blinked away the tears and opened the door.
“Kaylee, wait.” He pulled my hand from the doorknob and held it, and I saw that his eyes were damp, too. “What do you want? Tell me, and I’ll do it. Please.”
My next breath was painful, but I held it for several seconds, swallowing tears I refused to let fall. Then I looked into his eyes, trying not to see the honest pain and regret in them.
“I want to take it all back. I want to save Doug, and heal Scott, and protect Emma. I want to fix your memories, so you can remember what this felt like the first time.” I stood on my toes and kissed him, long and slow, and hot tears rolled down my cheeks, because I knew that—at least for now—I was kissing him goodbye. Then I leaned against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Already missing it.
“Nash, I want you to get better, so I can have you back.”
I tugged my hand from his grip and stepped into the hall, pulling the door closed behind me. Then I ran for my car.
And cried all the way home.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks most of all to #1, who takes over so many real life duties so I can live and work in my own little world.
Thanks to Rinda Elliott, for one honest opinion after another, to the Deadline Dames, for camaraderie, and to Jocelynn Drake and Kim Haynes, for friendships I grow more grateful for every year.
Thanks, as always, to my agent, Miriam Kriss, for making things happen.
And thank you to my editor Mary-Theresa Hussey and to Elizabeth Mazer and everyone else behind the scenes. Without your patience and enthusiasm, this book would never have made it onto the shelf.
ISBN: 978-1-4268-5615-0
MY SOUL TO KEEP
Copyright © 2010 by Rachel Vincent
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Rachel Vincent, My Soul to Keep
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