THE FIVE ASPECTS
OF A
WITCH
THE FIVE ASPECTS OF A WITCH
By PORPHYRO
Copyright 2016 PORPHYRO
Table of Contents
1. The Jinn
2. Three Failed Wizards and a Heist
3. The Very Model of a Loving Family
4. The Mischievous Spirit of the Fox
5. How to Explain the Cuckold Desire
1. THE JINN
Use your imagination for a moment and pretend that jinn exist. “But what’s a jinn?” It comes in a bottle and produces such a dizzy spell that oh! to explain it does it no service. You can’t see it, but it’s a powerful, powerful sorcery nonetheless. “Oh! You mean gin! As in the toxic stuff that makes a giddy brain.” Gin, jinn, jeans, genie! Whatever you’d like, it’s the same. One’s a THING (in our case, a WOMAN), another a drink.
Yeah?
Good! Now that that’s settled, let us continue.
Let the STAGE become a magic forest. No need for trees or pine smells--just the feeling of total isolation will do. “Forlorn” is the word I’m looking for, and the effect as well. A completely empty stage is just fine, then. Nothing is more depressing.
This is an ancient forest, seldom visited. And for good reason, too. Everyone knows the forest is haunted. Everyone, that is, but PEEP.
Peep makes her way from left to right. She BANGS her walking stick on the ground with every step.
PEEP. Lada-da-dee-da-da-da-dum! Lada-da-dee-da-dooooo! What a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful walk! If only birds would coo! Where are the sparrows? Where are the bees? A strange forest. Very strange, indeed. But what a wonderful hike! What a magical place to be! Lada-da-dee-da-da-da-dum! Lada-da-dee-da-dooooooo!
The GENIE sees Peep from afar. We’ll call her…oh, I don’t know.
Let’s call her JEAN.
Well Jean sees Peep and immediately gets a mischievous smile on her face. She rubs her hands together with glee.
JEAN. (with a booming voice) You’ll finally win your freedom with this one, genie! Oh! How lucky you are! Lucky, lucky, lass! Offer her three wishes. Offer her ten. Either way, you’re sure to hoodwink--
Peep. Oh!
She rushes up to Jean.
Peep (CONT’D). Why hello there!
JEAN. (incredulous) …what?!
It sounds just like a venom snap. “….what?!” Just like a snake bit you on the shin. “…whattttttttttt?!” Ouch, that t!
Peep. I haven’t seen anyone in days!
Peep takes the genie’s hand and shakes it.
Peep (CONT’D). It’s nice to finally talk to someone, even if it’s a genie.
JEAN. Y--you can see me?
Peep. I can hear you, too!
Peep does her best to imitate Jean. (A dog does a better job sounding like a cat.)
Peep (CONT’D). (imitating jean) You’ll finally win your freedom with this one, genie!
Cough, cough, cough! Peep has hurt her throat.
Jean still doesn’t quite believe it. She walks around the stage, observing Peep’s eyes. Are they following her? Do they really see her?
Well Peep does her one up. She sticks out a finger and points at wherever Jean goes.
Jean. Stop pointing at me!
Peep. You’re right there.
Jean. (darting away) Stop!
Peep. And right there!
Jean. Stop it!
Peep. Fine. But only if you give me my wishes!
Jean. What wishes, you presumptuous little terror?
Peep. You said it yourself. ‘Give her three wishes, give her ten.’ Well I want twenty, please.
Jean. …and what if I refuse?
Peep. Then you’ll never hoodwink me, silly!
Jean. You’ve magic about you, girl.
Peep. I do not.
Jean. You must.
Peep. Nope!
Jean. Then how did you see me?
Peep. The same way you felt THIS!
Peep, feeling more courageous than ever, reaches out and GRABS the genie’s nose. It comes right off, boogers and all.
Jean. Oh! Oh! You horrible girl!
Peep. So? Do you see?
But Peep looks at the nose pinched between her fingers and corrects herself.
Peep. Or, rather, do you smell that?
Jean. See what?! Smell what?!
Peep. This!
Peep RUBS THE NOSE on the bottom of her dirty soles.
Jean. Oh, you terrible girl! You terrible girl! Stop it! Please! I beg you.
Peep. There’s nothing magic about the senses. They’re just there. I can smell you as easy as you can see me.
But Peep looks at the nose pinched between her fingers and corrects herself.
Peep. Or, rather, it’s the other way around. You smell, I see. Those are just the facts.
She rubs the nose against her elbow.
Peep (CONT’D). What does that smell like, by the way? I’ve always been curious. I’ve never been able to see for myself. Or, rather, I’ve never been able to smell it. Gosh! That’s three times in a row!
The genie looks at Peep with terror in her eyes. Who is this grand witch?
Jean. What must I do to get you to stop?
Peep. Give me my wishes!
Jean. Who are you?
Peep. Me? Ha! Wait until you hear this one. I am…!
Jean. Yes?
Peep. Well. I’m…!
Peep looks at the nose pinched between her fingers.
Jean. Yes?
Peep. Hmm. To tell you the truth, I don’t know who I am.
She tosses the nose back and forth.
Peep (CONT’D). Curious, isn’t it? I’m just like a dream that suddenly starts.
Jean. A nightmare more like it! Give me my nose back!
Peep. Is that one of your wishes?
Jean. …you can grant wishes?
Peep. Well sure I can. Why not? If you can do it, so can I.
Jean. But I’m--
Peep. So…? Answer the question!
She squeezed the nose tight.
Jean. Oww, oww, oww, oww!
Peep. Is that your wish or not?
Jean. How many do I get?!
Peep. I don’t know. As many as I want. THREE BILLION!
She raises her arms impressively.
Jean. (fearfully) Yes! That’s my wish! Give me my nose!
Peep. Yep!
Peep, true to her word, sticks the nose back on.
Jean. …thank you.
Peep. Say, what if you’re just lonely?
Jean. What do you mean?
Peep. What if you just conjured me for company? What if you’re in want of friends?
Jean. (she spits) Pah! Friends! As if!
Peep. Well tell me about your life, genie.
Jean. Is that one of your wishes?
Peep. It’s one of my commands! Tell me!
The genie is shocked. Nobody has ever spoken to her like this. After the whole stunt with the nose, though, she’s too scared to be insulted.
Jean. I…have lived a better life. I haven’t always been like this.
Peep. Like what? A little overweight?
Jean. A genie! I was a normal girl once! Just as you are now, I was--
The genie looks at Peep up and down. This is a demon, not a girl.
Jean (CONT’D). Well, never mind about that.
Peep. Huh? About what?
Jean. (changing the subject) I was hoodwinked into this misery.
Peep. By who?
Jean. By a genie. A wise man. A philosopher.
Peep. He questioned you so much you learned some magic? Eh? How does that work
?
Jean. No, no, no. The genie offered me three wishes.
Peep. Three wishes.
Jean. That’s right. Three.
Peep. What is it with you people and three? Can’t you think of any other number?
Jean. Because! Three is perfect.
Peep. Three is boring.
Jean. Three’s enticing.
Peep. Yeah, if you’re boring.
Jean. No, listen--
Peep. I’m snoring! (she snores)
Jean. One wish is just one quick taste of magic. Two wishes and you’ve gotten a good sample; most importantly, you’re hooked. The third wish becomes ever more necessary now that you know how it feels….
Peep. But how is that hoodwinking anybody?
Jean. Because. You have to set conditions on the third wish.
Peep. Like what?
Jean. Like ones that work. Like, for instance, the one the genie used on me.
Peep. Ooooo! Now I’m sorta enticed. Go on, go on. I’m listening.
Jean. Not snoring?
Peep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. You’re still pretty boring.
Jean. Then I won’t tell you.
Peep. Fine. Then you won’t.
Jean. Oh shut up, you little terror!
Peep. You want to tell me! Admit it!
Jean. (as though she didn’t hear her) He said he’d grant all of my wishes, but only if I used my third wish to wish him away.
Peep. So by “all of your wishes,” you mean two?
Jean. Yes.
Peep. Just two?
Jean. Yes.
Peep. Hmm. Well what happened if you tried to be greedy?
Jean. If I didn’t wish him away? He said I’d still get the wish.
Peep. Well that’s kinda nice.
Jean. Yes, but he would also take my place.
Peep. Huh?
Jean. Those were his conditions.
Peep. Huh?
Jean. He would swap with me!
Peep. He’d…become a she? Huh?
Jean. No!!!
Peep. (sniggering) Huh?
Jean. As his final act as a genie, he would grant me my third wish. And then he’d be liberated; he would go on and lead a normal life. I, on the other hand, would be disallowed to leave these wretched woods. I’d be trapped as a genie forever! He warned me of this. Trapped forever!
Peep. (she points to her own nose) Or until you find a sucker.
Jean. Yes, that’s right. ...but why am I telling you all of this?
Peep. (as though she didn’t hear her) So you had to wish him away? Like…away away? Dead?
Jean. (shaking her head) No. Just away from me.
Peep. Why didn’t you do it? Sounds pretty darn easy; pretty damn easy, too.
Jean. The temptation is too much. It’s an impossible game, girl! Don’t you ever gamble on yourself! Your willpower is not enough! Believe me! Don’t even start with the first wish! He himself was hoodwinked by a genie as well.
Peep. He told you this?
Jean. Yes.
Peep. And you still played?
Jean. Oh, girl! We all think we’re stronger than we really are!
Peep. How was your genie hoodwinked?
Jean. What he wanted most in the world was wisdom. Before becoming a genie, he fashioned himself to be something of a philosopher. A rather clueless one, but a philosopher nonetheless.
Peep. Oh God! He was boring!
Jean. Well his genie resolved two puzzling paradoxes. And the philosopher was mightily impressed. He was in awe, in fact. He didn’t know--
Peep. Thoughts could think that way?
Jean. Yes. I suppose that’s right. Or something like that at least.
Peep. Poor old guy just needed to stretch his neurons! He didn’t have to come all the way out here to do that.
Jean. Mmm. (she nods her head)
Peep. So what happened next?
Jean. The philosopher decided he’d rather infinite woe and knowledge, than temporary health and ignorance. He reasoned he’d rather be a genie and know it all than stay a man.
Peep. Then why did he end up hoodwinking you? If that was the case, you’d think he‘d have stayed a genie and “known it all” forever....
Jean. We jinn know many things unknown to men. But there are even more things unknown to ourselves.
Peep. …huh? Wait a minute! That doesn’t make any sense.
Jean. Of course it does! Think of an ant, you stooge!
She catches herself.
Jean (CONT’D). My apologies! I didn’t mean to--
Peep. Continue.
Jean. Think of an ant. For every question it has in its brain, you must have a thousand in yours.
Peep. ...this is so boring!
Jean. Well it’s not my job to entertai--
Peep. So you mean to hoodwink me, huh?
Jean. I can’t stand this existence anymore! I’m tired of these wretched woods!
Peep. Hmm. Well I can’t see what wish is so important I can’t contain myself to two. I get two wishes, right?
Jean. (hungrily) As long as you wish me away on the third one, yes!
Peep. Hmm. Well, I only need one!
Jean’s interest is piqued. Her face lightens up.
Jean. Yes? What is it?!
Peep. Give me your nose!
Jean. …what?!
Peep. I said give me your nose!
Jean. …but!
Peep. Now!
Peep snaps her fingers
Peep (CONT’D). Give me your nose!
The genie can’t help but oblige. She takes off her nose and hands it over.
Jean. (slyly) …would you like me ears now?
Peep. Nope!
Peep walks away.
Peep (CONT’D). Lada-da-dee-da-da-da-dum! Lada-da-dee-da-dooooo!
Jean. But wait, girl! Wait! Wait!
But nothing. The girl keeps humming away, proving that a certain amount of insouciance is utterly inhuman.