“Ex.”
“No. Once a junkie, always a junkie.”
“Janet, I don’t know what your problem is, but you don’t know him. You’ve met maybe five times-if that.”
“Hear me out.”
Nancy rolled her eyes.
“What now?”
“How much do you really know about him? I hardly ever see you any more. I’m not jealous or anything, I’m just worried. Look at all those news stories…”
“Jan, I worked in a rehab clinic for three years. The news focuses on the idiots. Most of them are normal people who made a mistake. Cole is a normal person who made a mistake, that’s all.”
“He tried to commit suicide, Nancy!”
“How do you know about that?”
Janet pointed at his wrist.
“I’ve seen that scar, you know. A couple of times. Now you look me in the eye and tell me that was a kitchen accident.”
“Janet, you don’t know the half of it. So just get used to things, okay? Remember that jerk you dated in high school?”
“Yes.”
“Remember how I begged you to leave him?”
“This is different.”
“Not really. You didn’t listen to me. Granted, he was like…King Asshole, but you still didn’t listen to me. I gave up. You need to do the same.”
Janet frowned.
“Nancy, he cheated on me. That’s not the same thing as going out with someone who might use you for a drug habit.”
“He’s not using, Jan. Trust me, that’s over and done with. So drop it.”
“Then how, exactly, did he end up mugged?”
“Jeeze! You’re not gonna give him a break, are you? Shit happens, you know that. People get mugged all the time. Now stop. Either we go back to the math or I have to start dinner and you have to go home.”
Janet stood up and started packing.
“Fine. Just think about this, okay? I’m worried about you.”
Nancy didn’t answer. Janet left and Nancy heard the door close. Cole sighed and rolled over onto his side. He looked like a little kid.
“Cole?”
He didn’t answer and she shook him a little.
“Wake up, Cole, it’s five. Come on, you gotta wake up a bit.”
“Five more minutes…”
“No. Now.”
He swallowed. Nancy shook him again.
“Why?”
“Because it’s five o’ clock, it’s time to wake up or you won’t get much sleep tonight. Come on, wake up.”
“Mm…”
“Please?”
He sat up for a second before flopping back down.
“Ow.”
“You look like a rag doll.”
“Janet left?”
“A while ago, yeah. You fell on asleep on us.”
“Sorry.”
“We’d better not fail this test.”
“You won’t.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah. You’d better not fail it, or I’m not gonna help you again.”
“Liar.”
“Yeah.”
“Come on, sit up. You’re falling back asleep on me here.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Co-ole!”
“Okay, okay.”
He sat up again and reached over to pet Sadie. She bit him.
“What’d you do to deserve that?”
“I don’t know.”
He tried to make a fist and winced. Nancy looked over at his hand.
“You should probably take a break from drawing for a day or so.”
“Why?”
“Look at your hand.”
He did.
“Ow.”
“Yeah. Just give it a break.”
“Will I ever be able to use it again?”
“You didn’t do that much damage, fortunately, but if you’d listened to me and gotten stitches it would have been better.”
“I didn’t want to get locked up. I’m not crazy.”
“I wouldn’t have let you get locked up. We could have told him it was a moving accident-you know, a couch or something cut you.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Are you awake all the way now?”
“My hand hurts.”
“Don’t use it. When it gets all swollen like you should give a break.”
“How am I supposed to work like this?”
“You don’t. Go soak it in hot water and don’t use it today or tomorrow.”
He went. Nancy stretched out and thought about what Janet had said.
Maybe she’d understand more if I told her…
But that was not an option. Janet would overreact and drag her off somewhere to tell police and…just no. Telling Janet was a bad idea.
* * * *
Cole was making a pot of soup when Nancy came up behind him and put her hands in the pockets of his sweater.
“Hi.”
“What are you doing?”
“Dinner.”
“Are you using your hand?”
“I’m using my good hand.”
“You’d better be.”
“Thanks for the concern.”
He felt her rest her head against his back and wondered what she was looking at.
“That picture of yours is kinda scary.”
“Yeah.”
“Why’s it so…dark?”
“I drew it at a dark time.”
“Who are those people standing around him?”
“My parents and this girl that had sex with me on a dare and gave me crap about until we graduated.”
“What?”
“I’m serious. It was at a party I snuck out to go to, and she dragged me upstairs and pretty much made me get in bed with her and…um…you get the idea. And for the next two years she’d bitch and moan about it as much as possible. Got her friends to do it, too.”
“It wasn’t fun?”
“No. I didn’t want to be there. That’s the thing people don’t understand about heroin. Your dream girl could be standing naked in front of you and all you know is that she’s blocking the TV, if you notice her at all.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I was a little drunk, very confused…stupid choice. Normal high school choice. And I’ll give her this-she wasn’t totally fugly. I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I’d regret it more if I remembered it more.”
Nancy nodded.
“I didn’t like my first time, either.”
“Why not?”
“He was a jerk. And he drooled.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. She didn’t drool, exactly, but she did scream. Like, fake screams. I wanted to slap her.”
“I slapped mine. Two weeks later, yes, but it felt good.”
“What’d he do?”
“Figured that since he got lucky once he was allowed to feel me up in public. Jerk.”
“Nance, guys don’t know. We have to risk a few things to see what’ll work.”
“Now he knows that doesn’t work.”
“I guess.”
Something struck him. Nancy was talking about sex. That was new. Maybe she really was doing okay.
“Are you gonna color the picture?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“It would lose its…I don’t know, it wouldn’t be the same if I did that.”
“Do you ever color your stuff?”
“No. My teacher thought I was color blind, especially because I always wore a black sweater and jeans.”
“Like you do now?”
“Just about.”
“I like this sweater. I might steal it from you.”
“No.”
“Dammit.”
He laughed.
“You’ll live.”
“I’m cold.”
“You just want my sweater.”
“Maybe…”
“No.”
“What do you think they’ll do with your work?”
> “Give it back.”
“Seriously!”
“I’m serious. I’m not that good, you know that.”
“Are you blind? You are that good.”
“You’re my girlfriend. It’s your job to say that.”
“It is not. I’m not a nice person. I’d tell you if you sucked.”
“Thanks, Nancy.”
“Mm.”
There was no sound for a few minutes except for the rain hitting the windows.
“Cole?”
“Yeah?”
“Are we ever gonna be normal?”
He had to think about that for a few minutes.
“I think we’re as close to normal as we’re ever gonna get.” he said at last. “And that’s pretty damn close.”
He felt her take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“That’s good enough, I guess.”
“Yeah. That’s good enough.”
Chapter Seventy-Three
Nancy was halfway through her math exam when something hit her.
I haven’t had nightmares for a month.
Now that she thought about it, she hadn’t really thought about Dr. Grey at all lately.
Wow. Maybe I’m better now.
With that happy thought in her head, she went back to her math exam.
* * * *
Cole didn’t hear Nancy come in. He didn’t realize anyone was there until she put her hand on his shoulder and tugged him backwards.
“Stop. You’ve done enough.”
“What?”
“Look at your hand.”
“But I’m…”
“Working, yes, I know. But stop.”
“Nance…”
“No. No more. Put the pencil down.”
Now that she mentioned it, the pencil was closer to a nub of lead than an actual pencil. His fingers were also stuck in the grip position around it and Nancy eventually pried it away from him.
“How’d your test go?”
“Great! I think.”
“Good. You’d better not fail it.”
“Shut up.”
He was shaking a little and his ribs hurt. Maybe a break wasn’t a bad idea.
“What other classes did you have today?”
“English, but it got canceled.”
“Cool.”
“I guess.”
“You okay?”
“I think so.”
He turned away from the picture and stumbled over to the couch, the pain in his ribs becoming more noticeable as the minutes passed. Nancy disappeared into the back of the apartment-probably for a shower-and Sadie padded out and jumped up on his lap. She was getting bigger.
“Hey, Nance?”
“What?”
“Do we want to do anything on Saturday?”
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Just wondering.”
“I’m gonna take a shower. Don’t draw any more today!”
“Okay, okay.”
He waited for Sadie to move before getting up to have a cigarette.
Chapter Seventy-Four
Susan Martin came in with red eyes and a swollen nose. Nancy reached for her orange juice.
“Mrs. Martin?”
She nodded and blew her nose. Nancy decided that maybe she should get some more orange juice on the way home from work.
“Yes.”
“You’re a little early. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, thank you.”
Nancy shrugged and went back to her paperwork. When she glanced up again, Susan was looking at a picture of a little boy with black hair.
“Is that your son?”
Susan jumped and stuffed the picture in her purse.
“Yes.”
“Children bring so much joy.”
“I guess they can.”
She burst out crying and Nancy went over and handed her a box of tissues.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. Here you go.”
“Thanks.”
She nodded and went back behind her desk. She was pretty sure this was Cole’s mother, but she wasn’t sure how to tell him.
Maybe I shouldn’t…he doesn’t seem to like her very much.
But the woman in front of her seemed very sad. Nancy wasn’t sure what to do.
“Ma’m?” she asked. “Ma’m, are you okay?”
Susan nodded and blew her nose.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, Ma’m. Do you need a cup of water?”
“No, thank you.”
“Okay.”
I’m gonna tell him. He can do what he wants with the information.
She hoped he would take it well. He’d finally started to relax about his parents and she was hesitant to bring them up again.
* * * *
Cole hadn’t worked on his picture that day. His hand hurt and so did his ribs. He was lying on the couch with Sadie when Nancy came in. She looked off and he panicked-had she run into Dr. Grey or something?
“Hey, Nance.”
“Hi.”
“How was work?”
“Okay.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Did you work on your picture today?”
“No, I’m not feeling so good.”
“Good. Your hand needs a break.”
She sounded distracted. He shooed Sadie off his lap and sat up.
“What’s wrong?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes. What’s wrong?”
She came over and sat down next to him.
“I think I saw your mother today.”
“What?”
“Yeah. She’s…um…a patient at the office.”
“How do you know it’s her?”
“She looks like you. And she has a picture that looks like it could be you. Like, a younger you. Does that make sense?”
“I guess.”
“I think she’s sorry, Cole, I really do. She came in crying today.”
“So? Maybe she got broken up with. Why should I care? She didn’t care about me, I don’t need to care about her.”
“Do you?”
“No! I don’t care what she’s doing. She could be dying in the hospital and I wouldn’t want to see her. So drop it.”
“No. You listen to me. I really think she’s sorry. Just think about this, Cole. People make mistakes, you know that.”
“That’s not a mistake. That’s a conscious decision. She could have taken me with her. She could have filed for divorce. But she took off in the middle of the night and left me there. That’s a choice, and I’m done. I don’t want anything to do with her, okay? So drop it.”
“Okay.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m gonna take a shower.”
“Okay.”
He lay back down.
I don’t want to see her. I don’t. If she cared about me at all she would have stayed or taken me with her.
But there was a voice in the back of his head whispering, Maybe she wasn’t thinking.
He shook his head. He wasn’t going to make the mistake of trusting her again. She’d left his life voluntarily, he wasn’t going to try and drag her back into it. She was probably having a bad day, that was all. PMS or something. That would make sense.
Maybe she’s really sorry.
Sadie pawed at his knee.
“What?”
She did it again before jumping off the couch to play with his shoelaces. He looked at his hands.
What to do, what to do?
He didn’t want to see her. He didn’t, dammit, and he wasn’t going to.
Chapter Seventy-Five
“Cole? Can you drive me to work?”
“Sure, why?”
“Because I want you to go to the store and then pick me up.”
“Short day?”
“I’m only going to be there for a few minutes to drop off some paperwork for Mary.”
“Okay. What do we need at the store?”
“T
here’s a list on the table.”
“Okay. You ready?”
“Yeah. Thanks for this.”
He picked up the list and put it in his pocket. Nancy locked Sadie in the bathroom and put the keys in his hand.
“Remember-people are stupid. They don’t mean to cut you off, so don’t yell at them.”
“You’re one to talk.”
* * * *
Cole dropped everything on the counter. He heard the unmistakable huff of disgust from the cashier but didn’t say anything. Nancy met him outside.
“Done already?”
“Yeah. No line.”
“Good thing.”
They were halfway to the car when someone shouted-no, screamed-Cole’s name.
“Cole!”
He spun around and felt his ribs protest. For a minute he didn’t see who had called him, but then he saw a woman with messy hair and an ugly hat rushing towards him. He stepped back towards the car.
“Nancy?”
“I don’t know.”
“You didn’t plan this, did you?”
“No! She’s not supposed to be in for two weeks!”
“You’re positive?”
“I can’t lie, Cole, you know that.”
She had a point.
“What do I do?”
She shrugged and leaned into his side.
“Get it over with.”
He was hoping the woman was shouting at a different Cole, some unfortunate ex-boyfriend, perhaps, but as she got closer he started to recognize her. She had lines all over her face and gray splotches in her hair, but she still resembled his mother. She had the same green eyes, but there were no laughter lines there now. He didn’t know what to say to her.
“Cole?”
“Hi, Mom.”
She made a horrid keening sound that made his head hurt and reached for him. He moved.
“Baby? Are you okay?”
For some reason, those words irritated him.
“How do you think I am?” he said coldly. “How do you fucking think I am? Do you have any idea…”
“Cole.” Nancy said quietly. “Stop.”
He felt her put her hands in his pockets. She was right-they were in a parking lot, for Christ’s sake. Susan looked at him with red eyes and reached for him again, more hesitant this time. He shook his head.
“Baby?”
“I’m not in the mood for a hug. I’ve got broken ribs.”
Her hands flew to her mouth.
“What happened?”
“What do you think happened.”
He couldn’t help his tone of voice. He just wanted her to go away and never bother him again. He closed his eyes and concentrated on making her disappear. She didn’t.
“Your father…”
“Yeah.”
She burst into tears.
“I’m sorry, Cole, I’m so sorry.”
He didn’t believe her. Besides, it was too late for sorry. He decided it was best to not say anything. Nancy handed Susan a pack of tissues.
“Th-thank you.”
Nancy shrugged. Cole looked at the ground.
“Why?” he asked quietly. Susan didn’t answer. Cole turned around and unlocked the car.
“Cole.”
“What.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking…”