Elle’s words from earlier came back. What was it her mother had told her? That God couldn’t give a person something new unless his hands were empty. He looked at his left hand again, at the wedding ring he still wore. Elle had noticed it, no doubt. He had felt the moment when her body stiffened, when she looked away because of it.
Cody twisted it, and for a moment he was back again, standing on a bluff in her parents’ backyard, beneath the big open Colorado sky, pledging forever to Ali Daniels. He could see her eyes, feel her hands in his. But then, like the changing direction of a gust of wind, the image disappeared.
Wearing the ring didn’t make her any less gone. It served only as a reminder that his life had ended right along with hers. And that—Cody was sure of it—would’ve made Ali furious. Ali, who had made him promise to love again, and who had grown frustrated when he dismissed the idea.
“You need to live, Cody.” She rarely raised her voice, but the last time they talked about his future, she grew angry with him. “I won’t stand for you to lose your passion, your ability to love, just because I’m not here anymore.”
Ali hadn’t just hoped for him to find a new life after her death; she’d demanded it. But for four years, one season after another, he’d ignored her wishes. Not because he didn’t care what she thought, but because he could barely get out of bed each morning. Her loss made it hard for him to breathe, let alone consider love. He shifted his gaze to the distant hills.
Until now.
He gritted his teeth. He had tried to keep Elle Dalton out of his heart, tried from the moment he saw her. So what if she was beautiful? He could walk away from beauty. But today, on a hike that was supposed to be nothing more than an outing with their siblings, he had learned something about himself.
He couldn’t walk away from Elle Dalton’s heart.
Elle was passionate about love and life and people with Down Syndrome. Deep inside her wounded heart was a love for Daisy that rivaled his love for Carl Joseph, and in that, Elle was a kindred spirit.
Part of his attraction to Ali, even though he didn’t like to think this way, had been her illness, and the fact that he might protect her, shelter her. She needed him, and that drove their love to a level that Cody hadn’t known existed.
Elle wasn’t sick with a deadly disease, but the damage to her heart was enough to cripple her for a lifetime. Working with people like her sister was enough for Elle. She was willing to put her own feelings on ice while she served others. Better that than to experience the pain and rejection that could come with falling in love.
And that made Cody want to shelter Elle, the same way once a lifetime ago he’d wanted to shelter Ali. He spotted a pair of deer in the distance. They stopped and looked his direction, and then ran off into the hills. Cody leaned back on the rock and thought about the hike.
When he stepped on Elle’s feet, when she stumbled into his arms, he had the sudden urge to love away all the betrayal and rejection inside her, to protect her and care for her and teach her that love didn’t have to hurt so bad. The strength of his feelings took his breath. Feelings he hadn’t acknowledged until that instant.
He breathed in, and as always he felt his body stop short of a full breath, the way it had done since the transplant operation. The tangible reminder of Ali that he would always carry with him.
He looked at his wedding ring one more time. Then he stood and stared into the distance. “I know what I have to do, Ali. And I know somewhere in heaven you understand because… you made me promise.”
His eyes were dry now, his thoughts more about Elle and the future than anything from the past. A sense of peace warmed him, the way it had earlier when he prayed. He hesitated a moment longer. He slid his hands into his pockets, took one last look at the sky, and then made his way back to his truck. On the way home, his jumbled thoughts all seemed to right themselves. And suddenly he knew exactly what he was supposed to do next.
When he walked in the door, his family was sitting at the dinner table, just about to eat. The smell of lasagna was thick in the air, and as Cody came closer, Carl Joseph’s face burst into a grin. “Brother! You came back in time!”
Cody laughed. He loved the way Carl Joseph made dinnertime feel like a vacation to the Bahamas. “Yes, Buddy. I made it back.”
He raised his fork in the air. “Brother’s here for Mom’s lasagna.”
The celebration hung in the air for several minutes after Cody sat down. Only then did he notice the way his parents were looking at each other, as if they had something they could hardly wait to say.
Finally his dad set down his fork. “We talked to the doctor, the one Elle suggested.”
“He called us here. On a Sunday.” His mom’s eyes grew damp, but the joy there was undeniable. “He told us about a new medication.”
Cody was dizzy with anticipation. He looked from his mother to his father. “And?”
“I can’t keep it, Mom!” Carl Joseph pushed back from the table and jumped up. He danced in a few circles and pumped his fists. “No more secrets! I can’t wait!”
A tear spilled onto his mother’s cheek, and she made a sound that was more laugh than cry. “Carl Joseph is going back to the center on Monday.”
Cody felt his breath catch in his throat. He stood and studied his parents. “You’re serious?”
“I can keep working for Goal Day, Brother!” Carl Joseph raised both fists in the air. “ ’Cause better medicine now.”
His mother folded her hands, and Cody noticed that her fingers were trembling. As Carl Joseph danced into the kitchen, she lowered her voice. “He had another seizure this morning.” She swallowed, fighting her tears. “It was bad, Cody.”
A sobering shadow fell over the moment. “When… when can he try the new medicine?”
“Monday afternoon.” She found a shaky smile. “We’re meeting with the new doctor then.”
“We still aren’t sure we’re doing the safest thing.” His dad crossed his arms. His chin quivered and he coughed, finding his own control. “But it’s the right thing. We know that.”
“The doctor was very encouraging.”
Cody thought about Ali again. She would rather have raced horses for one year than spend ten years in the safety of a sterile room. It would be the same way for Carl Joseph. Suddenly the decisions that lay ahead for Cody were clearer than water.
Carl Joseph returned to the table out of breath. “My turn to pray!” His voice was louder than usual, and he caught himself. He covered his mouth and raised his eyebrows. “Sorry,” he whispered. “ ’Cause it’s my turn to pray.”
“Go ahead, son.” His father smiled at him.
Carl Joseph reached for his mother’s hand and everyone closed their eyes. “Dear God, hi. Carl Joseph here.” He stifled a quiet laugh. “Everything’s perfect now, God. So thanks for the lasagna, and thanks for Mom and Dad and Brother and Teacher.” He giggled again. “And Daisy. And medicine.” He clapped his hands. “Now we can dig in!”
Cody opened his eyes, amazed. Hours ago Carl Joseph had been in the throes of a terrible seizure. But as far as he could tell, life was perfect. It was one more way Carl Joseph’s faith stood as an example to the rest of them.
They let Carl Joseph talk for a while. He told them that he and Daisy had decided the next hike would be at Disneyland. “ ’Cause we have to get there first and we don’t know the bus route.”
“You’d probably have to fly.” Their dad was finishing his dinner. He had an easy way with Carl Joseph, something Cody hadn’t noticed in his hurry to blame his dad when he first returned from the rodeo circuit.
“Yeah.” Carl Joseph looked out the window. He’d never been on an airplane, and his anxiety over the possibility was written in the lines on his forehead. “ ’Cause we could fly.”
After a few minutes of talk about Disneyland, Carl Joseph stood and took his empty plate and cup to the kitchen. “I’ll wash.” He gave their mother a big smile and tapped their father’s shoulder. “
That would be good life skills.”
Dad stood and joined Carl Joseph in the kitchen. “Let’s do it together.”
“Goodie.” He clapped, sheer joy filling his tone.
Cody stood and joined his father and brother in the kitchen. Carl Joseph was relating a comical version of the hike, and how Cody and Elle had danced together.
“Brother is not a good dancer.” Carl Joseph made a dramatic shake of his head, so dramatic that his glasses nearly fell to the floor. He caught them and set them back in place. Then he patted Cody’s shoulder and gave him a rough embrace. “But he’s a very, very good brother.”
They played Uno that night, and Cody stayed up later than usual before returning across the ranch to his own house. He’d been anticipating this moment all day, and now—in a way he was helpless to stop—it was here. He stepped inside his front entrance, closed the door, and locked it.
What he had to do now, he would do alone—the same way he had handled the trip to the bluff earlier. He walked through his living room and stopped at the fireplace mantel. Perched on top of the polished piece of oak was his framed wedding picture. Ali and him, when the future still seemed possible. When a cure for cystic fibrosis was all that stood between that fleeting moment and forever.
He ran his thumb over the glass, over their faces, smiling and hopeful. “It’s time, Ali.” He smiled, even though somewhere inside him he could feel his heart breaking. He looked at her face, her eyes. “I know you’d tell me the same thing.”
Then, feeling a hundred years old, he moved into his bedroom and opened the top drawer of his dresser. A small wicker basket sat near the back, a catch-all for things that didn’t quite have a place. His old pocketknife from middle school and a pair of earplugs he wore when he ran the tractor out on the ranch. And next to that, on top of a mound of old quarters and nickels and dimes, were the two velvet boxes.
He took the pale pink one first. The hinges made a soft creaking sound as he opened it. The ring inside was still beautiful, mostly because seeing it reminded him of how it looked on Ali’s finger. He took the ring from the box and brought the cool white gold close to his face.
Once in a while, holding her wedding ring this way made him feel as if he were holding her hand again. Her fingers tucked in his. But tonight it was only a cold, empty reminder of all that wasn’t. All that would never be.
Cody placed the ring gently back in the velvet box and closed the lid. Ali was not in the grave, and she was not in the small velvet box. She lived in his heart, in a back room where she had recently moved, one that would always belong to her. He lifted the other box, the dark one, and set it on the dresser top.
He’d never come even this close before, so every move was slow, painful. He opened the lid and then looked at his left hand. Ali had placed the ring there seven years ago, and it had stayed there every day since. But here, on a day when he had prayed for answers, he felt beyond certain that this was the next step, the move he absolutely had to make.
The wedding ring fit just as it had the day they were married. So it took only a few seconds to gently twist it up over his knuckle. The ache in his heart spread to his chest and up into his throat. Then, with a sharp breath, he did what he never thought he’d do.
He took off his ring and tenderly set it back in the box. For a few seconds he stared at it. The things he felt about the ring would always stay in his soul. But what it meant to the world was no longer true. He wasn’t married, and after four years it was time to acknowledge that fact.
Even if doing so practically dropped him to his knees.
Cody closed the box and set it tenderly next to Ali’s. Then he closed the drawer and moved to an old recliner he kept in his bedroom near the window. He sank into it and peered into the dark of the night. God was leading him; Cody could feel His guidance in every step. In the process he had let go of Ali, just enough to take one step forward. And now he was ready to face whatever came next. Because—whether he returned to the road or not—he had the one thing Elle had talked about, the thing he felt God urging him to have.
Empty hands.
Chapter Twenty-five
Elle was about to start class that Monday when the door opened and Cody and Carl Joseph stepped inside. A smile lit up Cody’s face, and Elle knew the answer before a single word was spoken.
“Carl Joseph would like to come back to class,” Cody said. He and his brother moved closer to Elle and the students.
Gus stood straight up. “You’re back? You’re really back?”
“I knew it.” Sid high-fived the guy next to him. “I told you he’d be back!”
Daisy was on her feet. She tiptoed over to Carl Joseph and flung her arms around his neck. “You’re home, CJ! Welcome home!”
Elle was grateful for her students and their loud celebration. Because she couldn’t have talked if she wanted to. She stood and went to Cody. “Your parents talked to the new doctor?”
“Yes. I’ll tell you about it later.” He smiled, and for a long beat he held her eyes. “Whatever time Carl Joseph has, he wants to live it.” He turned toward his brother. “He can do that here.”
Elle asked Cody to stay, but he shook his head. “I have things to do.” He smiled, but there was something deeper in his expression, feelings he was maybe working through.
“Have you decided? About returning to the rodeo?”
“Not yet.” He briefly touched her hand. “Let me know if he has any trouble.” Cody told his brother good-bye, and he left.
Every day that week was the same, only a few words from Cody when he dropped off Carl Joseph or when he picked him up. Something was happening inside him, and Elle could do nothing but pray for him.
Once in a while he would look at her across the room or share a few words with her, and when he did there was a depth that was constant. A depth full of conflict and vulnerability, one that she didn’t dare ask him about—not in what could only be a few minutes’ conversation before class.
By Friday morning, Elle wasn’t sure what to make of the change, but it scared her. Because she didn’t know any way to undo feelings that had already taken root. Especially when she looked forward to seeing him every morning during drop-off time. She thought about asking Carl Joseph, but somehow the idea didn’t sit well. If God wanted her to know what was different with Cody Gunner, the information would come to her some other way.
And it did.
It came Friday morning just before their field trip to a supermarket two miles away. Carl Joseph and Daisy were sitting together, waiting for the rest of the class to arrive. They were talking about shortcake and Disneyland and which pair of socks were their favorite if they got to hike the theme park.
Elle tuned out on their conversation for a few minutes. She was sorting through information packets for the students when she heard her sister’s tone change.
“Why would he go on the road?” Daisy pulled her knees up and sat cross-legged, facing her friend.
“He wants to think.” Carl Joseph tried to pull his legs up, but they were too short and stout to maneuver and he quickly gave up. He blinked as if he were trying to remember what he’d been saying. “ ’Cause… Brother wants to think about things.”
Daisy looked around the room, clearly confused. “He could think here, CJ.” She pointed to the seat next to her on the classroom sofa. “Right here on this spot.”
“He could think on top of Ace, the horse.”
“Or on his bed.” She put her pointer fingers together and made a careful heart in the air between them. “My bed has big hearts.”
“My bed has Mickey Mouse.” Carl Joseph put his fist in the air in a show of victory. “Mickey Mouse is the best bed.”
Elle needed to be alone. She stepped into the break room, braced herself against the counter. Cody was leaving? After all the emotions she’d ridden because of him, he was taking off? God, is that how this is going to end? You bring him into my life for what, so I can tell him good-bye before anything com
es of all this and—
Her self-pity fell off abruptly. What was she thinking? How shallow to consider that the only reason Cody Gunner had shown up at all was for her. The reason God had brought Cody into her life probably had nothing to do with her. She pictured Carl Joseph, giddy about today’s field trip, already back in sync with his classmates and making progress toward independence. Carl Joseph was reason enough, even if she never saw Cody again.
A sense of futility came over her, and she was tempted to let the subject go, walk out of the break room and conduct the field trip and believe that one day in the not-too-distant future she’d forget about Cody. But her eyes fell on a sign posted near the coffeemaker.
Don’t forget to pray! It’s the most important life skill of all!
A lump formed in her throat, and she swallowed back her tears. Forgive me, Lord. Even if Cody leaves, we can stay friends. But please… if it’s Your will, convince Cody to stay. Convince him to work here at the center so we can share our love for people with Down Syndrome and maybe someday… something more. And if not, Lord… help me let him go.
She collected herself and returned to the classroom. Most of the students were there, talking about how they would spend their imaginary hundred dollars. She had arranged with the manager of the store that each student could have a cart and choose food within a budget, and then—so they would better understand the sections of a grocery store—they would return the food to the shelves.
And as they set out for the first bus stop half an hour later, she refused to think about Cody and whether he would stay or head back out on the road. God had all the details figured out. If he left, even in her sadness she would know that was God’s will.
Even if she would remember for a lifetime how it felt to dance with him on a patch of clover halfway up a mountain trail on a sunny afternoon in June.