“Oh, yes. He wants no trouble with Ware, and he thinks he’s found a way to control me.” He smiled grimly as he paused at the door. “He has you.”
“I’ll rest for a little while and then go on deck. Bring Haroun on board. I’ll give him the note myself. He has to see everything is well.” She gritted her teeth to ward off the pain as she swung her feet to the floor. She looked up to see Kadar still gazing at her. “Well, what are you doing just standing there? I don’t need your help.”
“My apologies. I was distracted.” He inclined his head. “I was just thinking how proud I am of you.”
He was gone before she could reply.
Get to the desk and write the note. Don’t think how pleased she would have been at those words of praise from him only yesterday. Don’t think of Kadar at all. Her efforts must be centered on keeping Ware and Thea out of this tangle.
“Don’t try to escape,” Balkir warned Selene. “You will say your piece to the man and then go back to your cabin.”
“Do you think I want to see him hurt?” Selene clutched the rail to keep from swaying. Sweet Mary, her head throbbed. “It would help if you’d try to keep from looking as if you’re about to throttle me.”
“Here they come,” Murad said.
Her gaze followed his to see Haroun frowning with concern as he scampered behind Kadar up the gangplank.
She forced a smile as she took a step forward. “Thank you for coming, Haroun. I know you’ll see that this note gets safely to Lord Ware.”
“You should not be here, Lady Selene,” he whispered, shooting a frightened glance at Balkir. “Come back with me. Lady Thea won’t like this.”
“I’m sure Kadar explained everything to you. I must go with him. Don’t worry, he’ll take good care of me.”
“She’ll be safe.” Kadar took her arm. He ignored her immediate stiffening as he added, “Tell Lord Ware he has my word on it.”
Haroun nodded jerkily. “I know he values your word. But Lady Thea will not—”
“You’ll have to hurry,” Selene interrupted. “We sail soon.” She handed him the note and brushed her lips across his cheek. “Go with God, Haroun.”
He gave her one last agonized glance, then turned and ran down the gangplank.
Her breath expelled in a burst of relief. It was done.
“You did very well,” Kadar murmured.
She shook off his grasp and stepped back. “Now, let’s put to sea before Ware has a chance to ride here and try to change my mind.”
“I captain this ship,” Balkir said testily. “No woman tells me when to sail.”
“You’d rather have to fight a battle? It doesn’t surprise me. I’ve noticed you have the brain of a—”
“Hush.” Kadar scooped her up in his arms and started down the deck toward the cabin.
“Put me down.”
“When I have you safely behind a closed door. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re outnumbered, and I doubt if I could keep Balkir from strangling you if you persist in antagonizing him.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“Granted. And he’ll get his just desserts. But not now.” He opened the cabin door and set her on her feet. “Go lie down while I help the ‘idiot’ get under way. I’ll be back as soon as I can. We have to talk.”
She shook her head.
He closed the door and leaned against it. “Stop treating me as if I were your enemy. Nothing’s really changed. I’m the same man you’ve known all these years.”
“Yes, you are.” She crossed the cabin and sat down on the bunk. “Exactly the same.”
“But now you wish nothing to do with me.”
“You were going to leave me.”
“I had to leave you.”
“Without telling me? Without giving me a choice? You promised me once that if you ever went back to Sinan you would tell me. You lied.”
“Yes.” He grimaced. “I thought it was safer.”
“And it was your decision. It’s always a man’s decision. If he wishes to take a woman’s body, he does it. If he wishes to desert her later, he does it.” Her hands clenched at her sides. “Well, I won’t sit meekly and let a man make my decisions. I won’t let you have my body and then go away whenever you wish. I won’t care. I’ll never care again.”
“The devil you won’t. You can’t change what’s between us.”
“I can. I will.” She lay back against the pillow and closed her eyes. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”
“I almost wish I’d let Balkir strangle you,” he said through his teeth.
“The usual solution to any man’s problems.”
“Selene, this is difficult enough. We need to—You’re not listening.”
“My head aches and I’m sick unto death of listening to you. Go away, Kadar.”
He muttered something beneath his breath and then she heard the door slam.
She opened her eyes. Difficult? It was almost impossible to uproot all the years of feeling. Build the wall higher. She could do it.
She had only to keep him away.
It was a quarter of an hour later when the anchor was lifted and the ship eased away from the dock.
It was five minutes later when she heard the shouting on the deck.
Oh, God—Ware? No, he’d had no time to ride from the castle.
She jumped up and ran out on deck. She could see Kadar and Balkir in a crowd of sailors at the far rail. Angry sailors. Balkir was angry too. He lifted the club in his hand.
Kadar caught it and spoke rapidly to Balkir.
She ran toward them. “What is it? What’s—” She stopped short as she saw the huddled figure in the middle of the crowd. “Haroun?”
The boy was sopping wet, his eyes wide with terror as he looked from Kadar to Balkir.
“What are you doing here?”
“He swam out and grabbed the anchor rope,” Kadar said without looking at her. “Our captain wishes to club him and throw him back.”
“No!”
“That’s what I said.”
“When a rat climbs on to a ship, you kill it before it can devour your rations,” Balkir said. “He disobeyed you. He was supposed to deliver the note.”
“I gave it to Robert to take,” Haroun said. “I had to come. Lady Thea would have wanted me to take care of Lady Selene.”
And he had come even though he was clearly terrified, Selene thought. He looked thoroughly miserable, not capable of caring for himself much less anyone else.
Balkir was struggling to release himself from Kadar’s grasp. “Let me go.”
“When you promise to let the boy live,” Kadar said. “He may look like a rat, but I’m quite fond of him. See how lucky you are. Another hostage for Sinan.”
“I don’t need another—” He broke off as he met Kadar’s stare. He moistened his lips. “Perhaps another hostage would do no harm.”
Kadar released his arm and stood back. “I knew you’d be reasonable.” He bent down and helped Haroun to his feet. “Go with the lady Selene. I’m sure she can find you something to use to dry off.” He shook his head. “You really are a great bother, Haroun.“
“I’m sorry, Lord Kadar,” he whispered.
“So am I. I wished you’d be less noble and more wise.” He turned to Balkir. “I want to see your charts. I know these waters better than you do, and I intend to make sure Maysef, not the bottom of the sea, is my final destination.”
“I’ve made the journey twice. I won’t have you interfering in my—”
“It will do you no harm to show me the charts. Sinan ordered you to bring me to him. What if the ship sinks?” He nudged Balkir forward. “He’s been said to be able to curse even the dead. Do you want him angry with you in the hereafter?”
Balkir frowned and then turned on his heel. “Follow me.”
Kadar winked at Selene over his shoulder before sauntering after him.
Impudent rogue. She started to smile and then caught herself. So easy to fall b
ack into the habit of years. “Come with me, Haroun.” She led him down the deck toward her cabin.
“I’m sorry, Lady Selene.” Haroun’s sandals squished as he hurried after her. “I had to come.”
“I know.” She opened the door and ushered him into the cabin. She grabbed a toweling cloth on the washstand and handed it to him. “Dry your hair.”
He began to rub his head. “The captain is a bad man. You should have waited and talked to Lord Ware.”
“And you should have done as you were told.” She grabbed the cover from the bunk. “Take off your clothes and wrap yourself in this.”
He turned bright scarlet. “I cannot. It would not be fitting for a man to undress in your presence.”
“It would not be fitting for me to have to tend you if you became ill from your foolishness. For heaven’s sake, I’ve seen naked men before. Besides, you’re scarce more than a boy.”
“I’m older than you,” he said indignantly.
Why, he must be, she realized in surprise. She always thought of Haroun as the boy she had first met those many years ago, before they had come to Scotland. He had been the survivor of a massacre by the Knights Templar, and Ware and Thea had taken him into their entourage. How eager and young he had seemed then. But young boys grew up, and she had hurt his pride. Thea would know what to say to ease that sting. Thea always knew what to say. Well, Thea wasn’t here, and Selene must do her best in her own way. “You’re right, it’s not fitting, but this is an emergency. I’ll turn my back.” She faced the door. “But be quick. I wish to sit down. I’m not feeling well.”
She heard the rustle of clothing behind her.
“You can turn around now.”
Haroun was wrapped from ears to toes in the gray blanket.
“Sit down.” She gathered his wet garments from the floor and spread them on the chair.
“You should not be waiting on me.”
She smiled. “And you should not have swum out and clung to that anchor line. But, since you did, we must forget what is fitting and try to help each other to stay alive.”
“You did not tell Lord Ware the truth in your note, did you?”
“No. I’m a hostage and so are you.” She sat down on the bed.
“But we don’t want Lord Ware to know, do we? You know what danger he would face if he came after us.”
He nodded. “That’s why I told Robert nothing was amiss when I gave him the note.”
“Good boy—man.” Dear heaven, she was weary. She wanted only to lay her head down and go to sleep. “But while you’re on board this ship, you must do nothing to anger Balkir’s men. Stay out of their way.”
“I will try.”
Of course he would try. He seemed terrified of everyone connected with Sinan.
“I’m not usually a . . . coward,” he said, as if he had read her thoughts. “Lord Ware has trained me to be a warrior. He says I’m a good soldier. It’s only . . . all my life I’ve heard of the Old Man of the Mountain. His people are not as others. They are . . . demons. One cannot fight demons.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Kadar was once one of Sinan’s people. Is he a demon?”
He shook his head. “But Lord Kadar is different. He walks alone.”
“How many times have I seen you dicing together? He’s your friend.”
“Yes.” He looked confused. “But he’s . . . different.”
She gave up. Kadar was different. One had only to be with him for a short while to realize that beneath that light, charming facade lay impenetrable depths. “But you trust him?”
Haroun brightened. “Oh, yes.”
“Then trust him to see that nothing happens to you at Maysef.”
“I not only worry about myself. Great harm can befall a woman. I know you belong to Lord Kadar, but still the danger is—”
“I do not belong to Kadar.”
“But everyone knows that you—” He saw her expression and added hurriedly, “But it seems you—”
“Everything is not always as it seems. I belong to no one but myself.”
“But a woman must belong to someone. It is—” He sensed the storm approaching and changed the subject. “It does not matter. I will care for you.”
She would probably be the one to have to care for him, but he meant well, so she resisted the impulse to tell him that. “Thank you, Haroun. If I’m in need of help, I will certainly—”
She stopped as the door opened and Kadar came into the cabin.
His gaze raked Haroun from head to foot. “Well, you look a pitiful sight.”
“Lady Selene made me take off my clothes. You are not angry that I am with her like this? I told her it wasn’t fitting.”
“I’m not angry.” He smiled. “She’s hard to refuse, isn’t she?”
He nodded, relieved. “And she has most strange ideas about . . . Even though she says she does not belong to you, I hope you will aid me in caring for her on this journey.”
“Oh, is that what she says?” Kadar asked silkily. “I do hope you didn’t make the mistake of believing her?”
“No, everyone knows—” He cast a glance at Selene. “I mean, everyone thinks that—”
“Enough.” Selene was holding on to her temper by a thin thread. “What of Balkir? Are you sure Haroun’s out of danger now?”
“As long as he doesn’t make himself obtrusive.”
“He can stay in this cabin with me.”
“No!” Haroun’s eyes were wide with horror.
Kadar shook his head. “That will make his position more tenuous. If the sailors think he could be getting favors they’re being denied, they may throw him overboard. But there are only two cabins on board this ship, and one is occupied by Balkir.” His gaze shifted to Haroun. “Suppose we sleep outside on deck in front of Lady Selene’s cabin? Then anyone who tries to pass will have to go through us.”
Haroun nodded vigorously. “Much wiser.”
Of course he thought Kadar’s plan was wiser than Selene’s. They were both men. “Oh, go away, both of you.” She lay down and closed her eyes. “I hope Balkir drowns you both.”
“But then you would lack any protection at all. I realize you think us both unworthy at present, but we are good for something.” Kadar clapped Haroun on the shoulder. “Come along. We’ll try to find you something to wear besides that blanket. She may need it if the night grows cold.” He opened the door. “I’ll return in the morning, Selene.”
She didn’t answer and heard the door close behind them.
Go to sleep. Don’t think of Kadar or this ship cleaving through the water on its way to Sinan.
Impossible. Now that she was alone and the need to act was gone, she could think of nothing else. She was shaking, she realized. Weakness. She was glad Kadar was no longer here to see it. She would be all right soon. She would sleep and grow stronger, and tomorrow she would be able to face Kadar with coolness and control.
Tomorrow . . .
THE NEXT MORNING, after a cursory knock, Kadar walked into the cabin. His arms were overflowing with garments. “Good day.” He crossed the cabin and deposited his burden on the bunk. “I thought you’d need something to wear since Balkir gave you no opportunity to pack.”
She wrinkled her nose as she picked up a mantle. “It stinks.”
“I had to bargain with the sailors, and you may have noticed they’re not overly clean. I’d hoped Balkir might have some female garments in the hold, since he also deals in piracy, but unfortunately there were none.” He smiled. “But you’re not unaccustomed to men’s garments. Do you remember when I brought you from Constantinople? You insisted on riding your own horse and dressing like a young boy.”
“I remember.” It had been a great adventure, her first taste of freedom, and she had made the most of it. “But they didn’t stink.”
“Ah, a little seawater. I’ll have Haroun fetch you a tub.”
“How is he?”
“Not complaining about his stinking clothes, you un
grateful wench.”
“What did you use to bargain for the clothes?”
“Another hour of life. It’s a commodity of great value.” His smile faded. “You didn’t sleep well.”
She should have realized he would recognize the signs. He knew her too well. “Of course I did.”
He shook his head. “I almost came to you last night.”
She stiffened.
“I assure you, I had other things on my mind than ravishment. Though we must talk about that as well.”
“We don’t have to talk about it. It’s over.”
He gestured impatiently. “It’s not over. It’s scarcely begun. It’s just not the time to show you the way of it.” He sighed. “As usual, you’ve distracted me. That’s not why I was going to come to your cabin.”
“You had no reason to come to me. I didn’t need you.”
“You did need me. We need each other. It’s always been that way and it always will be.” He reached out and gently touched her hair. “Reject me in every other way, but take comfort from me. I give it with my whole heart, and it hurts me to have you refuse.”
She felt the familiar melting and steeled herself against it. “I don’t want your comfort. I don’t want anything from you.”
He stared at her for a long moment. “And you care nothing that you hurt me.” His lips tightened. “I know I made a mistake. I reached out and snatched when I should have been patient. But, by God, I’ve been patient for years. I’m no monk. You were there and willing, and I knew I was leaving and might not see you—for a long time.”
“You were leaving,” she repeated. “You knew you were going and still you took what I offered. Do I care that you took my body? It doesn’t matter at all compared to you lying to me. If you truly cared for me, you would have found a way to take me with you wherever you went. I would never have left you. You preached of trust and then you didn’t even tell me about Sinan.”
“There’s no use talking to you. You’re not listening to me. Very well, then hug your anger close. Thrust me away. But when we reach Maysef, obey me. It may save all our lives.” He started toward the door. “And while you’re on this ship, stay in the cabin. If you want air, tell me and I’ll escort you. Don’t go among the sailors by yourself.”