As your flesh burns with need,
I will fill you.
I will pour out My power upon you
as you slake your lust and Mine with the act of love.
Take what is needed and give freely of yourselves to each other
For that is My will and I will not be denied.
And you who seek to know Me,
know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not,
unless you know the Mystery.
For if that which you seek, you find not within yourself
you will never find it without.
For behold! I have been with you from the beginning,
and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.”
As Molly's last word faded into silence, she took a step back and received the chalice, which had made its way completely around the circle while she spoke. Looking down from my vantage point on the rock, I could see that there was still a little bit of wine in the bottom of the vessel. I expected Molly to drain it, but instead she said, “A challenge has been made for the hand of the Mabon queen. Let the challenger step forward.”
“The challenger is here.” At last Ben stepped out of the shadows, his tall frame wreathed in moonlight as he walked toward the priestess and the Lead Wolf. I caught my breath at the sight of him.
He walked through the tall grass with his back straight and his head held high, completely naked and utterly unashamed, as though his bare skin was the only covering he had ever worn. And the way he moved—I had never seen him move like that—with the sinewy grace of an animal stalking its prey. More than a wolf, he reminded me of a rangy jungle cat, a panther perhaps, moving quietly and confidently, secure in the knowledge that he was the most dangerous thing in the forest and that nothing would stand in his way.
He took his place on the other side of Molly, ignoring the leering snarl on Savage's face. In the moonlight, his body looked like it was chiseled out of marble, each muscle lovingly defined by the pale glow. His hair was an inky black that looked almost blue, and for the first time, I saw his cock, hanging long and thick against one muscular thigh. I tried to imagine how it would look erect—how it would feel to have it inside me—to have Ben inside me, filling me up with himself, making love to me, fucking me…and a strange thing happened.
Instead of the shiver of fear the thought of sex—any sex with anyone—had so often brought to my mind, I felt a warm current of desire that started at my toes and worked its way upward. I imagined throwing off the thin red robe and welcoming him onto the flat altar rock with me—both of us naked and needy and unashamed of either our nakedness or our need. It was a frightening thought but at the same time an intriguing one. There was no denying that Ben was absolutely beautiful—the hard masculine planes of his body seemed to call to the soft feminine curves of my own, and suddenly the moonlight seemed warm instead of cold.
“Will you accept the challenge for the hand of the Mabon queen?” Molly's words seemed to break me out of some kind of a trance. I shook my head and blinked my eyes, feeling disoriented and confused. Had I actually just been anticipating having sex with Ben instead of dreading and fearing it? What was happening to me?
Ben looked up at me and I thought I saw something on his face—a look in his eyes that told me he was thinking exactly the same things I had just been thinking. I wanted to blush and look away, but his dark brown eyes held my gaze for a long time, refusing to let me go.
In that moment I felt a connection form—I didn't exactly know what or how, but it was as though I was with him, not just watching him. I could almost feel the tension in his muscles and taste the fear and anticipation on his tongue. I wondered if he could feel me too and somehow knew he could. He could feel the rough, cool stone under my feet and the silk robe sliding over my naked skin. He knew that I both feared and wanted him. That I wondered what it would feel like to have him inside me, spreading me, riding me, owning me the way we both needed him to so badly. It seemed to go on forever but finally he looked back at Molly.
“I accept.” Ben took the chalice from her along with a chaste kiss on the lips and tipped it up to the sky. I saw the strong cords of his throat working as he swallowed the last of the wine, then he handed the chalice back to her.
Molly stepped back. “Then let the Mabon challenge begin!”
Both Ben and Savage moved to the open part of the circle, their eyes never leaving each other. Savage was crouched in a fighting posture, but Ben was standing upright, his arms loose at his sides. I hoped like hell he knew what he was doing—I had never seen him fight before except at The Cloven Hoof, and that altercation had been over before I really got a chance to see it. The pack and their mates were still standing in a circle, watching to see what would happen, and there was a breathless hush as everyone waited for the action to begin.
They began to circle each other, Savage pursuing and Ben retreating. I noticed Ben was leading the larger man to the outer fringe of the circle of watching weres. As if in deference, several of the pack members and their mates stepped aside, and I wondered if the fight was going to be conducted outside the clearing in the forest instead of here where we could see what was going on. I hoped not, I felt like I needed to see what was happening. Needed to keep Ben in my sights for some reason. Maybe it was the strange link to him, but I wanted him close to me, or at least in my line of vision.
Suddenly Savage shot forward with a roar. The move was almost too fast to see, but it looked like he intended to tackle Ben around the waist and drive him to the ground. I didn't even have time to bite my lip—Ben stepped nimbly to one side, and Savage ran head-first into the tree trunk Ben had been standing in front of.
The blow would probably have knocked anyone else out cold, but it only made Savage mad. He backed away from the tree, shaking his head like a bear trying to get rid of bees, and rounded to face Ben again. Ben was still standing loose and relaxed, waiting to see what the Lead Wolf's next move would be. Clearly he expected another charge and was ready to sidestep it again. But Savage decided to use a different tactic.
“Tell me something, pup,” he grunted. “How am I gonna like fucking your pretty little bitch?”
I saw Ben's eyes narrow. No, Ben—don't go for it! He's just baiting you! I wanted to shout the words out loud, but I was afraid if I distracted my partner for even a moment, Savage would be on top of him.
“Does she have a tight pussy?” Savage continued. He threw a glance my way, and the lust I saw burning in those slotted, yellow eyes turned my stomach.
“You're never going to find out,” Ben growled. “She's mine.” I felt a shiver run down my spine at the possessive note in his voice. It might not have been especially progressive of me, but the idea of him fighting for me, claiming me, was starting to do things to my insides. I felt my nipples tighten at the primal look in his eyes.
“I'm gonna do more than find out,” Savage taunted him. “I'm gonna fuck her right there on that rock.” He nodded to the flat altar stone I was standing on. “Gonna throw her down and ream her pussy good—fill 'er full of my cum. She'll be begging for more.”
“The hell you will!” Ben leaned forward, his face dark with rage. It was the opening Savage had apparently been waiting for. He dove forward again, but this time instead of dancing away, Ben met him head-on. The two large, masculine bodies collided with a flat smack that seemed to echo through the trees. For a moment they just shoved against each other, like sumo wrestlers that couldn't get a good hold. Then Ben broke free and landed a solid punch to Savage's midsection. I heard the large man grunt in pain, but he didn't falter a bit. Instead, he drew back a fist the size of a canned ham and rammed it home, connecting with the side of Ben's face.
Ben staggered backward, reeling from the force of the blow, but managed to keep his feet. There was a dark trickle of blood running from the corner of his mouth.
“First blood!” I heard one of the pack members shout. “The Goddess demands change!”
“
First blood! First blood!” The rest of the pack took up the chant, and I saw a look of despair flit briefly across Ben's face before disappearing behind a mask of stoic calm. I understood then, as I never had before, how much he didn't want to give in to the demands of the moon. I think he was afraid if he let his animal nature out of the box he'd crammed it into for so many years, he wouldn't be able to put it back in again. But the blood on his mouth seemed to be a point of no return—he would have to change, just as he had told me. It was going to be change or die.
Savage threw back his head and howled—literally howled. It was a noise no human throat should have been capable of making, and I felt like an icy finger had drawn a line down the groove of my spine. Ben answered the cry with a howl of his own—a long, liquid mournful sound that raised the hair on the back of my neck. It was both a battle cry and, at the same time, a wail of surrender—he was giving in to the moon. Giving in to the Goddess, if she truly existed.
The rest of the pack—the men anyway—howled in sympathy. The sounds rose like a hymn to the moon and went through me like a knife. The moon was pulling them—urging them to change—but they waited to see the outcome of the fight first.
Savage was already down on the ground on all fours, and I saw Ben crouch as well, his hands balled into fists and a look of intense pain stamped on his face. He had said that changing felt like someone turning you inside out, and I wondered if he would be able to stand it. I was almost afraid to watch, but then I reminded myself that he was here because of me—that I had gotten us both into this situation. If he had to go through it, I could stand to watch it happen.
His skin changed first. It started to writhe and twitch, like it was literally trying to crawl off his body. Then his mouth and nose began to elongate into a muzzle, and his ears moved up to the top of his head, becoming long and pointed as they did. I watched as his hands curled into paws and his hips became haunches. He was really changing—right in front of my eyes. I didn't realize until I tasted blood that I'd bitten my lip hard enough to make it bleed.
I had seen some strange things in the past several days—the way Ben had healed himself and the way he was able to heal me—and I had believed him on an intellectual level when he told me he was a werewolf. But until I saw him sprout a tail and watched his black hair turn to fur and flow over his newly shifted body, I didn't really get it on a gut level. Now I did.
I stood on the flat rock overlooking the pack and everything that was going on inside the circle, watching the man I cared for more than anyone else in the world go through the most agonizing process I had ever seen, and I hurt when I saw his pain. I could almost feel my own bones shifting, feel my skin breaking and knitting together in a different pattern that was utterly alien. I felt it through that same strange connection—a thin thread of empathy that was spun out of moonlight and pulled taut between us. Ben was hurting and I hurt with him—I wanted to ease his pain, but I didn't know how. But before I could think about it too much, the pain was gone and the change was complete.
At the end of the process, both Ben and Savage were wolves—huge wolves. I watched as the black, pony-sized wolf that was Ben shook itself and rose from the ground growling and bristling, ready to fight. What I felt from him now was a feral kind of joy, a freedom he never had in his other form. This was the animal part of himself he kept hidden, a being that was nothing but hunger and desire—pure id. Maybe this was why Ben feared the change so much—I had never known a man more in control of himself than my partner was. Giving in to his most basic instincts would have to be the hardest thing in the world for him.
The other wolf was brown and gray, the color of Savage's hair, and larger than the black wolf, as Savage had been proportionally larger than Ben. There was steam rising off both animals, even though the night wasn't especially cold for September. I wondered if it had anything to do with the mass conversion from human to wolf. Some energy had to be created when that happened, didn't it? And it was probably dissipating in the form of heat.
My scientific analysis was interrupted by the continuation of the duel. Both wolves lifted their heads and howled simultaneously at the moon, then rushed together again.
I don't know if you've ever seen a dog fight, but it was something like that. There was a lot of snapping and snarling, and darting in and out while both of them looked for a hold. If that doesn't sound too exciting, try imagining a three hundred pound wolf whose head comes up to your shoulders when it's standing on all fours, which is essentially what Savage had turned into. That's pretty enormous when you consider that a regular-sized timber wolf could easily rip your throat out. Watching them fight was an experience I knew I would never forget.
I was afraid that the smaller black wolf would get the worst of it, but Ben seemed to be holding his own pretty well. In wolf form as well as in human form, he had the faster reflexes. In fact, Savage couldn't catch him to get a good hold on him. The black wolf kept dodging in and out of the big brown and gray wolf's attack zone. He ripped at the larger wolf with his teeth to draw blood, then darted away again before it could respond in kind.
All around the circle, the other pack members howled in sympathy whenever the Lead Wolf sustained another wound. None of the men had changed yet, but I sensed that some of them were on the ragged edge of it. There was an energy filling the clearing like water poured into a clear glass bowl, ready to drown us all. Maybe it was the Goddess, coming to collect what Molly had called “her due,” I didn't know. But I did know that I would pay along with everyone else before the night was through. I could feel it as surely as I felt Ben's sharp, white wolf's teeth sinking into the hide of his enemy.
I wondered if Ben was going to keep darting in and out, bleeding Savage until the Lead Wolf eventually collapsed, but it didn't happen that way. Savage threw back his head to howl again, exposing his throat, and Ben seemed to see his chance. No—it's a trick! I thought frantically. I opened my mouth to shout it, even though I had no idea if he could understand me in his present form or not, but it was already too late.
At the last instant, just when Ben's teeth were about to close on his exposed throat, Savage whirled around and threw his shoulder against Ben's, knocking the black wolf off his feet. I felt a surge of fear and rage that I knew wasn't all mine, and then Savage was on top of him, grappling for his throat.
The pack, which had been mostly quiet up to now, threw back their heads and howled as one. The two wolves, snarling and snapping, rolled over and over in the long grass, but Savage seemed to be gaining the advantage. There was a yelp of pain, and I saw that the gray and brown wolf had the black wolf by the throat and was shaking him unmercifully. Savage was winning! He was killing Ben, and he wouldn't stop until it was done and his dominance was reasserted beyond the shadow of a doubt.
“No! No!” I shouted, hearing the agony in my own voice. I felt my hands ball into fists at my sides. I wanted to help Ben, wanted to rush down and throw myself between the two wolves even though I knew it would be suicide. There was something wet and warm on my face, and when I reached up to touch my cheek I realized I was crying. Memories of my time with Ben suddenly flooded my mind.
Ben trying to teach me to cook—he was an excellent chef and I couldn't even boil water. Me teaching Ben how to water ski, and both of us laughing when he fell down over and over, getting water up his nose. The time he'd talked me into taking a yoga class with him and I hurt my back doing the downward-facing dog. He'd put heat packs all over me and massaged me with those big, warm hands until I thought I'd melt—it had been the most amazingly delicious feeling—more than worth the pulled back I'd suffered. The times I had the flu when he made me homemade chicken soup. The Valentine's Days we'd spent together because neither of us had a date, and we kept each other from feeling blue. The way he was always willing to drop everything and come over when I wanted to have a scary movie marathon because I loved scary movies but hated to watch them by myself…
Suddenly I was struck by what my little siste
r would have called a “blinding flash of the obvious”—I did love Ben. Not as a best friend or as a good partner at work, but as the other half of my soul. He was the only one for me—the only man I wanted. I just hoped I hadn't had the realization too late.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to concentrate on the wolf fight going on in the circle below me. Savage still had Ben pinned, his jaws clamped on the black wolf's throat. Short of going down there and getting myself killed trying to drag him off, what could I do to help the man I now realized I loved?
Suddenly, Molly's words to Ben the night before returned to me. “You're going to need all the power you can get in order to defeat the reigning Lead Wolf, and that includes the support of the woman you love. Statistically, the wolf the Mabon queen wants is the one that usually wins the duel and gets to claim her as his lover.”
Well, I knew who I wanted to win. And, yes, who I wanted to claim—make love to me. It certainly wasn't Savage. I didn't know if Ben could understand my words in his present form, so instead I drew on the strange connection I felt growing between us.
Ben, I thought at him as hard as I could. Ben, I love you—I want you, I need you! You need to turn this around and finish it—finish him—so you can claim me! Claim me, Ben, own me, take me—I need you! Come to me!
As I sent the message I realized it was true—all of it. It wasn't that I didn't fear having sex anymore—it was more like there was a need inside me strong enough to overcome that fear. I felt the moonlight spilling down over my skin, pulsing in time with my heart, opening me in a way that I hadn't known was possible. I really did want Ben and I really did love him. If only we could get through this I would give myself to him with no reservation.
I thought I felt something from Ben, some surge of pure, primitive emotion that echoed my own, but Savage still had him by the throat. I sent more emotion his way—love, need, want, and it seemed to help. Ben twisted with a convulsive motion and managed to break free, but the larger wolf was after him again almost immediately. The black wolf danced backward, a little more slowly now, fatigue obviously taking its toll. He barely managed to evade the other wolf's snapping jaws and his black bush of a tail dropped low between his hind legs. When he moved, blood flew from his coat, and I wondered just how badly he was hurt.