CHAPTER VIII.
_An Epicurean Feast_
THE Duke of St. James dines to-day with Mr. Annesley. Men and thingsshould be our study; and it is universally acknowledged that a dinneris the most important of affairs, and a dandy the most important ofindividuals. If we liked, we could give you a description of the fetewhich should make all your mouths water; but everyone cooks now, andekes out his page by robbing Jarrin and by rifling Ude.
Charles Annesley was never seen to more advantage than when a host. Thenhis superciliousness would, if not vanish, at least subside. He was notless calm, but somewhat less cold, like a summer lake. Therefore we willhave an eye upon his party; because, to dine with dandies should be aprominent feature in your career, and must not be omitted in this sketchof the 'Life and Times' of our young hero. The party was of thatnumber which at once secures a variety of conversation and theimpossibility of two persons speaking at the same time. The guests werehis Grace, Lord Squib, and Lord Darrell. The repast, like everythingconnected with Mr. Annesley, was refined and exquisite, rather slightthan solid, and more novel than various. There was no affectation of_gourmandise_, the vice of male dinners. Your imagination and your sightwere not at the same time dazzled and confused by an agglomeration ofthe peculiar luxuries of every clime and every season. As you mused overa warm and sunny flavour of a brown soup, your host did not dilate uponthe milder and moonlight beauties of a white one. A gentle dallying witha whiting, that chicken of the ocean, was not a signal for a panegyricof the darker attraction of a _matelotte a la royale_. The disappearanceof the first course did not herald a catalogue of discordant dainties.You were not recommended to neglect the _croquettes_ because the_boudins_ might claim attention; and while you were crowning yourimportant labours with a quail you were not reminded that the _pate deTroyes_, unlike the less reasonable human race, would feel offended ifit were not cut. Then the wines were few. Some sherry, with a pedigreelike an Arabian, heightened the flavour of the dish, not interfered withit; as a toady keeps up the conversation which he does not distract. Agoblet of Graffenburg, with a bouquet like woman's breath, made you,as you remembered some liquid which it had been your fate to fallupon, suppose that German wines, like German barons, required somediscrimination, and that hock, like other titles, was not always thesign of the high nobility of its owner. A glass of claret was the thirdgrace. But, if we had been there, we should have devoted ourselvesto one of the sparkling sisters; for one wine, like one woman, issufficient to interest one's feelings for four-and-twenty hours.Fickleness we abhor.
'I observed you riding to-day with the gentle Leonora, St. James,' saidMr. Annesley.
'No! her sister.'
'Indeed! Those girls are uncommonly alike. The fact is, now, thatneither face nor figure depends upon nature.'
'No,' said Lord Squib; 'all that the artists of the present day want isa model. Let a family provide one handsome sister, and the hideousnessof the others will not prevent them, under good management, from beingmistaken, by the best judges, for the beauty, six times in the samehour.'
'You are trying, I suppose, to account for your unfortunate error atCleverley's, on Monday, Squib?' said Lord Darrell, laughing.
'Pooh! all nonsense.'
'What was it?' said Mr. Annesley.
'Not a word true,' said Lord Squib, stifling curiosity.
'I believe it,' said the Duke, without having heard a syllable. 'Come,Darrell, out with it!'
'It really is nothing very particular, only it is whispered that Squibsaid something to Lady Clever-ley which made her ring the bell, andthat he excused himself to his Lordship by protesting that, from theirsimilarity of dress and manner and strong family likeness, he hadmistaken the Countess for her sister.'
_Omnes_. 'Well done, Squib! And were you introduced to the rightperson?'
'Why,' said his Lordship, 'fortunately I contrived to fall out about thesettlements, and so I escaped.'
'So the chaste Diana is to be the new patroness?' said Lord Darrell.
'So I understand,' rejoined Mr. Annesley. 'This is the age of unexpectedappointments.'
'_On dit_ that when it was notified to the party most interested, therewas a rider to the bill, excluding my Lord's relations.'
'Ha, ha, ha,' faintly laughed Mr. Annesley. 'What have they been doingso remarkable?'
'Nothing,' said Lord Squib. 'That is just their fault. They haveevery recommendation; but when any member of that family is in a room,everybody feels so exceedingly sleepy that they all sink to the ground.That is the reason that there are so many ottomans at Heavyside House.'
'Is it true,' asked the Duke, 'that his Grace really has a flapper?'
'Unquestionably,' said Lord Squib. 'The other day I was announced,and his attendant was absent. He had left his instrument on a sofa. Iimmediately took it up, and touched my Lord upon his hump. I never knewhim more entertaining. He really was quite lively.'
'But Diana is a favourite goddess of mine,' said Annesley; 'taste thathock.'
'Superb! Where did you get it?'
'A present from poor Raffenburg.'
'Ah! where is he now?'
'At Paris, I believe.'
'Paris! and where is she?'
'I liked Raffenburg,' said Lord Squib; 'he always reminded me of acountry innkeeper who supplies you with pipes and tobacco gratis,provided that you will dine with him.'
'He had unrivalled meerschaums,' said Mr. Annesley, 'and he was mostliberal. There are two. You know I never use them, but they are handsomefurniture.'
'Those Dalmaines are fine girls,' said the Duke of St. James.
'Very pretty creatures! Do you know, Duke,' said Annesley, 'I think theyoungest one something like Miss Dacre.'
'Indeed! I cannot say the resemblance struck me.'
'I see old mother Dalmaine dresses her as much like the Doncaster belleas she possibly can.'
'Yes, and spoils her,' said Lord Squib; 'but old mother Dalmaine, withall her fuss, was ever a bad cook, and overdid everything.'
'Young Dalmaine, they say,' observed Lord Darrell, 'is in a sort of ascrape.'
'Ah! what?'
'Oh! some confusion at head-quarters. A great tallow-chandler's son gotinto the regiment, and committed some heresy at mess.'
'I do not know the brother,' said the Duke.
'You are fortunate, then. He is unendurable. To give you an idea of him,suppose you met him here (which you never will), he would write to youthe next day, "My dear St. James."'
'My tailor presented me his best compliments, the other morning,' saidthe Duke.
'The world is growing familiar,' said Mr. Annesley.
'There must be some remedy,' said Lord Darrell.
'Yes!' said Lord Squib, with indignation. 'Tradesmen now-a-days consolethemselves for not getting their bills paid by asking their customers todinner.'
'It is shocking,' said Mr. Annesley, with a forlorn air. 'Do you know,I never enter society now without taking as many preliminary precautionsas if the plague raged in all our chambers. In vain have I hithertoprided myself on my existence being unknown to the million. I never nowstand still in a street, lest my portrait be caught for a lithograph;I never venture to a strange dinner, lest I should stumble upon afashionable novelist; and even with all this vigilance, and all thisdenial, I have an intimate friend whom I cannot cut, and who, they say,writes for the Court Journal.'
'But why cannot you cut him?' asked Lord Darrell.
'He is my brother; and, you know, I pride myself upon my domesticfeelings.'
'Yes!' said Lord Squib, 'to judge from what the world says, one wouldthink, Annesley, you were a Brummel!'
'Squib, not even in jest couple my name with one whom I will not call asavage, merely because he is unfortunate.'
'What did you think of little Eugenie, Annesley, last night?' asked theDuke.
'Well, very well, indeed; something like Brocard's worst.'
'I was a little disappointed in her debut, and much interested in hersuccess.
She was rather a favourite of mine in Paris, so I invited herto the Alhambra yesterday, with Claudius Piggott and some more. I hadhalf a mind to pull you in, but I know you do not much admire Piggott.'
'On the contrary, I have been in Piggott's company without being muchoffended.'
'I think Piggott improves,' said Lord Darrell. 'It was those waistcoatswhich excited such a prejudice against him when he first came over.'
'What! a prejudice against Peacock Piggott!' said Lord Squib; 'prettyPeacock Piggott! Tell it not in Gath, whisper it not in Ascalon; and,above all, insinuate it not to Lady de Courcy.'
'There is not much danger of my insinuating anything to her,' said Mr.Annesley.
'Your compact, I hope, is religiously observed,' said the Duke.
'Yes, very well. There was a slight infraction once, but I sent CharlesFitzroy as an ambassador, and war was not declared.'
'Do you mean,' asked Lord Squib, 'when your cabriolet broke down beforeher door, and she sent out to request that you would make yourself quiteat home?'
'I mean that fatal day,' replied Mr. Annesley. 'I afterwards discoveredshe had bribed my tiger.'
'Do you know Eugenie's sister, St. James?' asked Lord Darrell.
'Yes: she is very clever; very popular at Paris. But I like Eugenie,because she is so good-natured. Her laugh is so hearty.'
'So it is,' said Lord Squib. 'Do you remember that girl at Madrid,Annesley, who used to laugh so?'
'What, Isidora? She is coming over.'
'But I thought it was high treason to plunder the grandees' dovecotes?'
'Why, all our regular official negotiations have failed. She is notpermitted to treat with a foreign manager; but the new ambassador hasa secretary, and that secretary has some diplomatic ability, and soIsidora is to be smuggled over.'
'In a red box, I suppose,' said Lord Squib.
'I rather admire our Adele,' said the Duke of St. James. 'I really thinkshe dances with more _aplomb_ than any of them.'
'Oh! certainly; she is a favourite of mine.'
'But I like that wild little Ducis,' said Lord Squib. 'She puts me inmind of a wild cat.'
'And Marunia of a Bengal tiger,' said his Grace.
'She is a fine woman, though,' said Lord Darrell.
'I think your cousin, St. James,' said Lord Squib, 'will get into ascrape with Marunia. I remember Chetwynd telling me, and he was not aptto complain on that score, that he never should have broken up if it hadnot been for her.'
'But he was an extravagant fellow,' said Mr. Annesley: 'he called me inat his _bouleversement_ for advice, as I have the reputation of agood economist. I do not know how it is, though I see these thingsperpetually happen; but why men, and men of small fortunes, shouldcommit such follies, really exceeds my comprehension. Ten thousandpounds for trinkets, and nearly as much for old furniture!'
'Chetwynd kept it up a good many years, though, I think,' said LordDarrell. 'I remember going to see his rooms when I first came over. Yourecollect his pearl fountain of Cologne water?'
'Millecolonnes fitted up his place, I think?' asked the young Duke; 'butit was before my time.'
'Oh! yes; little Bijou,' said Annesley. 'He has done you justice, Duke.I think the Alhambra much the prettiest thing in town.'
'I was attacked the other day most vigorously by Mrs. Dallington toobtain a sight,' said Lord Squib. 'I referred her to Lucy Grafton. Doyou know, St. James, I have half a strange idea that there is a renewalin that quarter?'
'So they say,' said the Duke; 'if so, I confess I am surprised.' Butthey remembered Lord Darrell, and the conversation turned.
'Those are clever horses of Lincoln Graves,' said Mr. Annesley.
'Neat cattle, as Bagshot says,' observed Lord Squib.
'Is it true that Bag is going to marry one of the Wrekins?' asked theDuke.
'Which?' asked Lord Squib; 'not Sophy, surely I thought she was to beyour cousin. I dare say,' he added, 'a false report. I suppose, to usea Bagshotism, his governor wants it; but I should think Lord Cub wouldnot yet be taken in. By-the-bye, he says you have promised to proposehim at White's, St. James.'
'Oppose him, I said,' rejoined the Duke. 'Bag really never understandsEnglish. However, I think it as probable that he will lounge there as onthe Treasury bench. That was his "governor's" last shrewd plan.'
'Darrell,' said Lord Squib, 'is there any chance of my being acommissioner for anything? It struck me last night that I had never beenin office.'
'I do not think, Squib, that you ever will be in office, if even you beappointed.'
'On the contrary, my good fellow, my punctuality should surprise you. Ishould like very much to be a lay lord, because I cannot afford tokeep a yacht, and theirs, they say, are not sufficiently used, for theAdmirals think it spooney, and the landlubbers are always sick.'
'I think myself of having a yacht this summer,' said the Duke of St.James. 'Be my captain, Squib.'
'If you be serious I will commence my duties tomorrow.'
'I am serious. I think it will be amusing. I give you full authorityto do exactly what you like, provided, in two months' time, I have thecrack vessel in the club.'
'I begin to press. Annesley, your dinner is so good that you shall bepurser; and Darrell, you are a man of business, you shall be his clerk.For the rest, I think St. Maurice may claim a place, and----'
'Peacock Piggott, by all means,' said the Duke. 'A gay sailor is quitethe thing.'
'And Charles Fitzroy,' said Annesley, 'because I am under obligations tohim, and promised to have him in my eye.'
'And Bagshot for a butt,' said the Duke.
'And Backbite for a buffoon,' said Mr. Annesley.
'And for the rest,' said the young Duke, 'the rest of the crew, I vote,shall be women. The Dalmaines will just do.'
'And the little Trevors,' said Lord Darrell.
'And Long Harrington,' said Lord Squib. 'She is my beauty.'
'And the young Ducie,' said Annesley. 'And Mrs. Dallington of course,and Caroline St. Maurice, and Charlotte Bloomerly; really, she wasdressed most prettily last night; and, above all, the queen bee of thehive, May Dacre, eh! St. James? And I have another proposition,' saidAnnesley, with unusual animation. 'May Dacre won the St. Leger, andruled the course; and May Dacre shall win the cup, and rule the waves.Our yacht shall be christened by the Lady Bird of Yorkshire.'
'What a delightful thing it would be,' said the Duke of St. James, 'if,throughout life, we might always choose our crew; cull the beauties, andbanish the bores.'
'But that is impossible,' said Lord Darrell. 'Every ornament of societyis counterbalanced by some accompanying blur. I have invariably observedthat the ugliness of a chaperon is exactly in proportion to the charmsof her charge; and that if a man be distinguished for his wit, hisappearance, his style, or any other good quality, he is sure to besaddled with some family or connection, who require all his popularityto gain them a passport into the crowd.'
'One might collect an unexceptionable coterie from our present crowd,'said Mr. Annesley. 'It would be curious to assemble all the pet lambs ofthe flock.'
'Is it impossible?' asked the Duke.
'Burlington is the only man who dare try,' said Lord Darrell.
'I doubt whether any individual would have sufficient pluck,' said LordSquib.
'Yes,' said the Duke, 'it must, I think, be a joint-stock company toshare the glory and the odium. Let us do it!'
There was a start, and a silence, broken by Annesley in a low voice:
'By Heavens it would be sublime, if practicable; but the difficulty doesindeed seem insurmountable.'
'Why, we would not do it,' said the young Duke, 'if it were notdifficult. The first thing is to get a frame for our picture, to hitupon some happy pretence for assembling in an impromptu style the youngand gay. Our purpose must not be too obvious. It must be somethingto which all expect to be asked, and where the presence of all isimpossible; so that, in fixing upon a particular member of a family,we may seem influenced by the wish
that no circle should be neglected.Then, too, it should be something like a water-party or a fetechampetre, where colds abound and fits are always caught, so that aconsideration for the old and the infirm may authorise us not to invitethem; then, too----'
_Omnes_. 'Bravo! bravo! St. James. It shall be! it shall be!'
'It must be a fete champetre,' said Annesley, decidedly, 'and as farfrom town as possible.'
'Twickenham is at your service,' said the Duke.
'Just the place, and just the distance. The only objection is, that, bybeing yours, it will saddle the enterprise too much upon you. We mustall bear our share in the uproar, for, trust me, there will be one; butthere are a thousand ways by which our responsibility may be insistedupon. For instance, let us make a list of all our guests, and then letone of us act as secretary, and sign the invitations, which shall belike tickets. No other name need appear, and the hosts will indicatethemselves at the place of rendezvous.'
'My Lords,' said Lord Squib, 'I rise to propose the health of Mr.Secretary Annesley, and I think if anyone carry the business through, itwill be he.'
'I accept the trust. At present be silent as night; for we have much tomature, and our success depends upon our secrecy.'