Sniffling, I ask, “You have feelings for me?”
Ryan looks at my shoulder, not my face, and nods. “It’s why Greg tries to keep me away from you. I act like an intoxicated idiot when you’re around, according to him anyway. You’re the only person who I couldn’t get over, and I never even kissed you before last night. I can’t image how hard it will be now.” His voice sounds strained, but he smiles as he says it, like it’s inevitable.
I’m startled into silence. I stare at Ryan and feel like I’m caught between dreams and wake, and that there is no way this can be real. Despite the snow, I no longer shiver. I’ve gone numb. I hear the car engine behind me. I can leave. I can leave this behind and never look back, but I don’t want to.
I find myself speaking before I know what I’m going to say, “I can’t imagine how you didn’t know, how you didn’t see it. I was certain everyone knew.” Ryan half looks like he wants to hear, but he cringes away waiting for the hammer to slam into him. I reach out for his hand. “I’ve kind of had a thing for you for the past three years. I tried to stay away from you, because I didn’t want to get my heart squashed and I obviously wasn’t your type. You don’t like this,” I lift the ends of my very brown hair and then gesture to the rest of me.
A hesitant smile spreads across his lips. “Actually, I prefer this type. I prefer you. You’re the one who made me have a type in the first place. But, I dated girls who were the opposite to try and get you out of my head. It didn’t really work.” Ryan smiles sheepishly, his hand pushing through the back of his hair. Looking me in the eye, he slips his hands into his pockets. “For the past three years, the only girl I wanted was you. I’m sorry I hurt you,” he kisses my cheek lightly, his voice even lighter. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer fast enough,” he kisses the other cheek and looks down for a second. “The only thing I could think about while you were asleep in my arms was that you were going to wake up and regret last night. I didn’t think you felt that way about me.”
I lift my hands to his face and feel the stubble on his cheeks under my palms. I feel brave. Heart pounding, I say, “I do feel that way. I like you. I want to be with you. You make me feel so much. I tried to avoid you because you get into my head and I can’t manage it. But when you’re gone, I miss you. I miss your voice, the way you talk, and…” I take a deep breath, “I’m crazy about you. Completely and totally insane about you. Practically committable.” The corner of my mouth twitches and before I can prattle on, he leans in and kisses me. Ryan’s body pushes against mine and I back into the car. The cold metal makes me jump, and he takes me into his arms, laughing, and swings me around. The sound is perfect. He’s truly happy and so am I.
CHAPTER
11
RYAN
The rest of the day feels like a dream. I’m afraid I’ll do something stupid and ruin it, but after we say how we feel, we ease into each other the way we always do. Except this time, when the endless flirting blazes like an inferno, I don’t have to keep my hands to myself. I can pull her to me. I can kiss her. I can taste her and feel her breath fill her chest as she hugs me back. The scent of her hair and the feel of her naked body burns in my mind. I can’t stop smiling. This is perfect.
The rest of the morning passes in my dorm room. When we get back upstairs, she’s shivering and I wrap her in blankets. Holly’s hot gaze doesn’t leave mine and before I know it, I’m kissing her and I can’t stop. Her hands are on me, pulling at my shirt, trying to feel my chest under her fingers. Holly’s breath fills my mouth as she presses her lips to mine. It makes my heart pound harder. Her touch sends me reeling. I can’t speak and I don’t want to. I want to show her what she means to me.
I lay her back in the blankets and move my hands over her body, barely touching her. She moans and arches her back, calling my name. I remove her dress, kissing her breasts as I do so. Her bra is who-knows-where. Probably in her car from when she ran earlier. She gasps and takes my hair in her hands, pulling my mouth down harder onto her chest. I cover her body in kisses, removing every article of clothing, until she’s panting, laying on the floor in the center of a pile of blankets completely naked. I look down at her. Sunlight pours into the room and I can’t help but gaze at her body. She’d put a goddess to shame. Every inch, every curve is perfect.
I move my hand across her, feeling her warmth, examining every curve. Her legs fall open for me. She’s breathing hard. Her scent hits me like a truck and I can barely control myself. I want things slow. I want to make her feel everything I feel. I want her to know how much I treasure her, how much I want more than a few days with her, because that’s all I have. She leaves soon and this will be gone.
I push the thoughts away and worship her body until we’re both exhausted and covered in sweat. She screams my name and digs her nails into my hips, as I push into her faster and faster. We both explode at the same time. I feel her fingers relax as her body throbs around mine. I stay on top of her, inside of her for a moment. I kiss her face.
I feel something inside of me and although I’ve denied it for years, I know without a doubt that I love her.
_____
The snow melts as the sun shines on the black roads. The plows cleared the parkways and she drives me home. I change and shower, putting on a clean outfit while she waits for me. I do the same for her, at her house, although I think her father wanted to skin me when Holly ran up the stairs after saying she’d slept at my place last night.
I feel awkward. Her family invites me to sit at the kitchen table while Holly showers and dresses.
“So, did she meet you in college?” her mom asks. Her parents are younger than mine. Her mom has that mom haircut that’s short and curled.
I shake my head, “I’ve known her since high school. We had some of the same classes.”
Her dad has massive arms. He looks like a military man. I’m pretty sure he could snap me in half. His meaty arms are folded tightly across his chest. He stands behind me, staring at my head, probably thinking of ways to rip it off my shoulders.
Her mom nods and makes pleasantries. They offer me coffee and Christmas cookies. Holly’s parent’s house smells like a bakery. Briefly, I wonder what her dorm room smells like. I bet it smells like her, sweet and intoxicating.
“What plans do you have today?” her Mom asks after offering me a cookie.
I pop it into my mouth, surprised that it’s so light and buttery. “These are really good,” I say before I should. I’m still chewing, but her Mom beams. At least that’s one parent who doesn’t want to hit me over the head with a shovel. I swallow and answer, “Christmas shopping. Holly wanted to go to the mall.”
“Good luck with that,” her mom says and glances at Holly’s father. “He was there this morning, and said there was no place to park. They’d plowed and the snow piles took up a lot of the extra outfield parking. It’s a mess.”
“You won’t get near the place.” He mutters. The man hasn’t moved. His lips barely opened when he spoke. He still wants to skin me. There’s nothing I can do about that. I only have a few days with Holly and I’m not going to be chased off by an overprotective parent.
I shrug, “It’s what she wants.”
Holly bounds down the stairs and heads into the kitchen. I swear to God, she’s trying to kill me. She’s wearing a ribbed red sweater that hugs her body and a short black skirt, black tights, and those slutty boots. If she tells me she’s wearing garters again, I’ll die.
Her hair is still damp. She’s pulling it into a pony tail as she kisses her dad on the cheek. He visibly deflates. Holly says, “You remember Ryan, right? He helped me change the flat on my car last year. I couldn’t even find the jack.” Her dad’s eyes look me over again, but are still hard. Holly shakes her head and laughs, realizing what her dad is doing. “Leave him alone. He’s good to me. He’s always been good to me.”
Her father looks at his daughter. “I just want you happy, kid.” He side hugs her and kisses her on the head. He leaves the
room without looking back.
She looks at her mom. “Why does he only do that when I am happy?”
Her mom laughs it off, but I know why. It’s because in twelve days, we’ll both be miserable. It’s because he sees what’s coming and there’s no way to prevent it. On January 1st, Holly will be dropped off at the airport, and take my heart with her.
CHAPTER
12
HOLLY
The mall sucks. It’s overflowing with crazy people. I lean into Ryan as he steers us through the crowds. After a few fast turns, he pulls us into a restaurant. We get a tiny booth toward the back. Ryan takes my packages and keeps them on his side. He’s practically falling on the floor.
We order and I feel his foot brush against mine. I smile, rather evilly, and say, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“Why’s that?” he smirks and does it again. His foot brushes the inside of my ankle, tracing over the leather boots half way up my calf. God, I want his hands on me. It feels good to not fight how I feel anymore, to be around him and let him know how much I want him.
“Because if you make it so I can’t control myself, I’ll sure as hell make sure you’re a molten lusty mess, too.” I laugh and lean toward him. I pull his shirt front and lift off the seat enough to kiss him.
He grins at me and sits back down. “I’m not sure you could make me want you more than I do right now.” His blue eyes glitter as he says it.
I lean closer to him and whisper, “I’m wearing a red lacy bra and garters—“ my eyes flick up to his and then drift back to that delicious mouth, “and that’s it.” I smile slowly, letting it sink in.
Ryan’s eyes widen as he catches my meaning. “You’re evil.” He takes my hand and rubs circles on the back of my palm. His eyes lock with mine. It makes my stomach flip and I can’t look away. My heart pounds harder and I wish we weren’t in the mall.
“Well, look where the road led you. I’ll be damned.” Mandy is grinning like an idiot, standing with her hands on her hips, looking down at us. “And you wanted me to keep him away from you.”
I smirk at her. For a second I want to beat her over the head. What she did last night made me so mad, but Ryan’s here now. Things got past that horrible spot where we were stuck, and I have her to thank for it. Ryan watches me and I feel self-conscious. “Maybe it was a stupid plan.”
“Maybe?” She lifts a brow and folds her arms.
“What happened with you and Matt?” I ask, looking around to see who she’s here with.
She smiles at me, “Enough. I’m following my path, Holly. I’m glad you finally get to do the same. You two look great together.” She smiles at us and shakes her head. She turns to walk away, saying over her shoulder, “I’ll call you later. I want every detail.”
Ryan’s face flushes as he looks at me. “You guys don’t really do that, do you?”
“Do what?”
“Tell each other everything. I mean, not everything, right?” Ryan squirms in his seat for a moment.
I lean forward on my elbows. “Why would it matter? I only have good things to say about you. Good, big things. Huge things.” I start laughing.
The rest of the day passes and it’s perfect. At night when Ryan has to leave, I don’t want him to. We sit at my parent’s house watching TV. The Christmas tree is the only light in the room. It’s soft lights twinkle like little stars.
I snuggle into Ryan’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. His arms are warm as they wrap around me. I lift my chin slightly and press a kiss to his neck. I feel his smooth skin slide beneath my mouth and we kiss again. Ryan stills and then his arms wrap around me tighter. I trail hot kisses across his neck and down to his collarbone. I want to do the other side, so I shift and swing my leg over his lap. His hands fall to my waist as I press my mouth to his neck again and again. He melts back into the couch and I melt with him. My parents are asleep, but I don’t want to get caught.
I continue to kiss his neck and then his face, teasing his jaw with my lips, nipping him as I kiss my way across his face. My body responds to straddling him and all the hot kisses. I feel Ryan become hard beneath me. My bare skin is on top of his jeans. I’m not wearing panties. I tilt my hips and rub against him, driving us both crazy. I lean in and kiss his lips and his arms close around me. His hand moves under my sweater and palms my breast. They ache for his touch, straining against the satin. His thumb strokes my nipple and it’s all I can do to stay quiet. We kiss like that, his hand on my soft flesh and me moving my hips against his lap, until his other hand slips beneath my skirt. I want him so much. I let him do what he wants. His fingers pet me gently and then harder. I bite my lip to keep from calling his name, even though I want to scream and pound into him until I’m seeing spots.
I reach down between us and unzip his pants, freeing his erection from his jeans. Ryan shakes his head, but I say yes. He barely manages to say, “Get the condom from my pocket.” I pull it out and tear the wrapper open, putting it on him. I move quickly. The more I touch him, the more I want him.
I lift my bottom above his hard length and rock slowly, moving in small circles until he pushes into me. His hands go back to my breasts, his fingers teasing me as I ride him. We tease and kiss and touch, until I can’t stand it anymore. I buck my hips faster and faster, as he pulls me down, holding me in place as I ride him. I arch my back wanting to scream as I shatter, but I hold it back.
Exhausted, I lean into his chest. Ryan kisses my head and I feel his arms wrap around me. Although we were quiet, I hear his heart pounding in his chest and his ragged breath. Reluctantly, I slip off his lap. I mean to stop, to go back to watching the movie, but we can’t. Soon his hands are on me and it happens again, but this time Ryan is on top of me. He wears his jeans as he lays on top of me on the couch, pushing into me over and over again. He breathes my name as he comes and my body reacts, climaxing with him.
Ryan leaves a few hours later. I’m sore, but I can’t stop smiling. I’ve never been so happy in my life.
_____
Day and night, Ryan’s with me, inside of me, pleasuring me in every way possible. I feel like a slut, constantly wanting him, but I leave so soon that it seems right. Wearing skirts and garters becomes a habit. I can have him whenever we can steal a second, and we steal several. On my birthday, he takes me out to eat and treats me to gifts, candies, and sex all day long. Christmas Day arrives and I want him again. I lay in his arms, in his dorm room that night. I sleep in his bed, inhaling his scent, wishing this didn’t have to end.
A week passes like this, and with each passing day I grow more frantic. I feel more for him than I thought I did. When it comes time to get on the plane, I don’t want to leave, but I have to. No one changes their college plans for a guy. Like it or not, Ryan is temporary. Our relationship isn’t meant it last, it’s like a falling star streaking across the sky. It flames bright because it’s burning out. But I don’t feel that way when I’m at the airport. I throw my arms around my parents and take my bags. Daddy helps me inside, where Ryan stands with me on line until I board. My parents leave us and it’s just me and Ryan. There’s a lump in my throat that won’t go away. We talk about nothing, both of us dreading each step I take closer to the check-in counter.
After they take my new bags, I head toward security, where Ryan can’t follow. Before I get in line he says, “I never dreamed that this would happen, and I can’t tell you how happy I am that it did.” He throws his arms around me and holds on tight.
I feel myself falling apart. I nod. “Things felt right with you. I’m glad it happened to. I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas present. I’m just,” my voice cracks. I swallow and pull away, wiping the corner of my eye so the tear won’t fall. “I’ll miss you.”
He nods. “Same here.”
I stare at him. I feel the words in my mouth, but I’m not brave enough to say them. I love you. I know I do, but I’m silent. Ryan kisses me again and I turn to walk through security alone.
> I manage to hold myself together until we board the plane. After that, I’m a mess of snot and tears. The person next to me asks if I’m all right. I say yes. That I just miss someone. She talks about long distance relationships and says it’ll work out, but I feel like something inside of me died. I can’t breathe. I lean my face against the Plexiglas window and stare, letting the tears fall as they wish. Eventually, they stop and the plane lands in Dallas/ Ft. Worth. I gather my things and rub my eyes with the back of my hand, thankful that no one is picking me up. I’m sure my eyes are bright red and whatever makeup I was wearing this morning is now glued to the window.
Looking down, I exit the plane and walk into the concourse. I throw my backpack over my shoulders and walk toward the baggage claim. I sit down on a chair in front of the silver carousel and breathe.
I should have told him that I love him. I should have said it and now I can’t. Part of me thinks that it makes no difference, I still would have left. It still would have sucked. My heart feels like it’s been impaled on the jet wing. I can’t speak. I stare blankly, ignoring the bustling of people around me.