foundations creaking, cracking, snapping, smashing, crumbling to dust. Buried thoughts began to bubble and surface.
The sun was setting behind those distant smoke stacks.
Do you remember?
The traffic of busy streets sounded like waves crashing to shore. Broken ceramic tiles. The all consuming darkness of an unending room.
The city will eat you alive.
A familiar face.
There was a knock at the door. Rean? Police? A group of angry and armed thugs?
“Who is it?”
“It's me,” it was Rean.
“Come in. It's unlocked,” I said as I pulled myself upright, my limbs dragging against the ragged fabric of the couch. She came rushing in, closing door and throwing off her shoes.
“Are you okay?” she said as she slid in next to me and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“Yeah,” my voice was weak.
I closed my eyes and she held me tighter. We sat there in silence. Memories of Eris began to bleed through. Her scent, her smile, her laugh. The fleeting orange glow of a sun set. I opened my eyes to find myself resting on the lap of Rean, her fingers running through my hair.
“Are you going to be alright? What happened?” she said as she looked down at me.
I looked up at her and began to talk. I told her about my work, the shipments, the long hours in a small room, about people like Fung, Benny, and about the bust. None of it mattered any more. It was done. I was done.
“It's all going to be okay,” she said.
I sat back up.
“I hope so.”
The voices began laughing again.
“Let's leave town. Let's run away,” she said as she leaned in close, our lips almost meeting.
She's trying to use you. She wants you to give yourself up to her. She wants you to run like a coward. The voices screamed.
I jerked back and pushed her away from me. Suddenly her lack of transparency about the phone-calls became clear.
“What the fuck.”
“I was only trying to help.”
She thinks you're weak.
“How? By running away? Are you going to kill Benny for me? Are you going to make the police disappear? Are you going to break Aleksi and Berne out of jail? Or how about we go back in time and you do what you promised me and keep an eye on Eris for me.”
Traitor, betrayer, liar. She's the cause of all of this.
“Jesus, it's always Eris isn't it? For the past three years it's been nothing but Eris. Live your life Jon. Wake the hell up. She played you. She didn't love you-” Rean stopped herself. It was clear that these thoughts had been pent up for some time. Her voices breaking to the surface.
She's the one that let this happen. Who knows how long she's had these thoughts? If it weren't for her Eris would still be here.
“How do you know that she didn't love me? Did you two have a good laugh about it over the phone? You might want to clear your phone history sometime if you want to be any good at being manipulative bitch.”
She stood there silently shocked. I took it as a sign of her guilt.
“Get out.” In my anger it seemed clear to me. Rean was the cause of all my pain. She did this to me.
“I'm sorry. I just-”
“Get the fuck out.” I pointed at the door.
“I-”
“Leave, I don't need this. I don't need you. Fuck off Rean,” the anger obscured my vision. I could no longer look her in the eyes, bits and pieces of her face caught in my peripheral.
Tears rolled down her cheek, heavy breathing.
“Okay, okay,” she repeated to herself in between breaths. Her motions jerked as she collected her things.
“I only wanted to help,” she said in the doorway.
“Leave,” I shouted at her.
“She called me once- I wasn't even there to answer my phone- she never answered my calls,” she said barely able to choke out the words.
“I'm sorry, I didn't know. I've been irrational. I'm scared. I'm alone. I need help. Please forgive me, I'm such a mess.” These were the words I should have said. The words that a part of me wanted to say, but the anger had gripped me so completely.
The door closed gently. She sobbed in the hallway until the elevator came for her. The silence returned and I was greeted by the laughter of voices. I threw an empty vodka bottle against the wall. Shards of broken glass reflected the dim lights of the apartment.
“Fuck,” I said.
III.III
I awoke cold and alone on the sofa. A bitter taste in my mouth. I reached out and grabbed the last bottle with vodka still in it. The cap popped off with a twist and I downed the small remainder in one gulp. A swift burn followed by a long exhale. It failed to restore my warmth. I dropped the bottle and let it roll wherever it chose.
My hair was matted on one side. I ran my fingers through the thick tangled mess. The bottles, piles of mail and bills, dirty laundry, crushed cans, empty styrofoam boxes. The ruins of my life.
The anger had subsided. The voices were now distant.
Traitor. The voices whispered, but the only traitor I saw was myself.
I took a look at my empty apartment.
'I guess the answer doesn't matter,' I thought to myself, 'either way I would be alone in this. I couldn't drag her into this.'
But you would have someone to die for again. The voices began creeping back.
“Fuck off,” I said aloud and headed for the bathroom.
The water felt hot against my face yet still I felt no warmer. A deep breath. I stared at myself in the mirror. Every line, every scar, the fresh wounds from the fight, the dark bags under my eyes. It looked as if I had lived a lifetime too many.
A familiar laugh echoed through my mind. I wandered out of the washroom and into my room. The desk drawer slid open with a drawn out metallic screech. The distorted face stared back at me. I ran my thumb against her cheek and thought of our last day together.
Smiling, she embraced me and said, “I love you, don't ever change.”
'I need a smoke and some fresh air,' I thought to myself and pocketed the crumpled photograph. The broken glass crunched and cracked under my boots as I headed for the door.
The city will eat you alive.
I waited in the hallway and reached for my pack of cigarettes. The last cigarette. My neighbours smacked against the peeling wall I rested upon. Though there was far too much moaning and the smacks were far too rapid for them to be fighting. The elevator doors opened and the neighbours finished with a dull thud as the doors closed.
I held the unlit cigarette in my lips and stared at the no-smoking sign. The voices whispered and chattered in the back of my mind, near inaudible static.
“5” - “3” - “2”
My boots clicked and clacked upon the cracked tile floors. A familiar scent wisped through the air. The reinforced glass doors opened with a creak.
The city lights blindingly bathed everything. The low hum of heating units and passing car engines was enough to induce a dreamlike trance. I took in a deep breath of city air and removed the picture and my lighter from my pockets. The picture blackened and bubbled as it burned, releasing a chemical smoke. I lit my cigarette on the burning photo before dropping it on the ground. My lungs filled with smoke as the fire consumed the last vestige of Eris. Nothing was left but shrivelled black plastic and poisonous fumes, it too would eventually blow away and become a part of the city's waste.
A speck of water hit my forehead. I looked up as I was suddenly surrounded by the pitter patter of countless droplets. The end of winter had come.
The snow began to melt. Shapes of the things the snow had buried began to take shape. Trash and lost items. A police siren blared somewhere down the street. The rain ran down the strands of my hair and rolled down my face.
Where is Eris to save you now? Where is Berne? Or even Aleksi and Rean. Who will you die for now? Who will save you?
&nbs
p; There were shouts and grunts coupled with stupid laughter, a loud banging of bats and metal, signs of oncoming thugs. I flicked the butt of the cigarette into a small pile of snow shielded from the rain. It burned bright, melted the snow and snuffed itself out. I exhaled my last breath of nicotine smoke. The city was coming to consume me.
You're useless. You have been abandoned. Now you're truly alone.
A wind blew in and chilled me to the bone, it felt like weakness.
“Fuck it, fuck it all,” I said to the voices in my head, “I have my anger to keep me warm now.”
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