way and stumbled through the mall.
The crackling cackle of fuzzy mall speakers followed me. The music played for a non-existent audience. An unknowable tune. My hand shook as I dialled Eris from my address book. The phone rang, the dial tones dragged on for what seemed like eternities. The mall speakers continued to chirp. Answering Machine: “Hello this is Eris-”
I hung up and dialled again. Dial tone. The cackle of mall music. Dial tone.
“Hello this is-”
“God damn it,” it felt as if I was coming undone. Dial Tone.
“Hello this is Eris, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Beep.
“Eris? Someone has taken the money, the account is empty. Get back to me as soon as you get this message,” I hung up.
The voice in my head laughed. Someone. It repeated that word over and over, drowning out all else. Someone. My steps were automated and heavy, guiding me through the catacomb of a mall. The distant foot-steps of invisible patrons circled me. The glare of restless security cameras. The crackling cackle of those omnipresent speakers. Stale. The shine of gaudy faux golden wares hanging in dusty displays.
The oppressive stale heat of the entrance was replaced by the cold as I pushed myself through the front doors. The cold air mixed with car exhaust, cigarettes, and unidentifiable fumes. I dialled Eris' number again. Dial tone. The rush of traffic and the marching of pedestrians. Dial tone.
“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” I struggled with my words as the cold choked the warmth from my lungs.
“Hello this is Eris, please-” I hung up and dialled again.
Someone... Someone... Someone...
My heart raced as my mind tried to rationalize the situation.
“This is a dream.” Dial tone.
“This is not happening, wake up damn it. ” Dial tone.
“You're having a nightmare.”
“Hello this is Eris, pl-” Her scent.
The same clean-cut Korean preacher from the other day tried to stop me. His lips moved but I could not hear him speak.
“Maybe it was an accident.” Dial tone.
The preacher motioned at me as if he had never seen me before. He continued to wave pamphlets in my face as I walked past him.
“Maybe the bank messed up.” Dial tone.
“Maybe Eris made a mistake.”
“Hello this is Eri-” Her scent.
I was almost outside of my apartment now.
“Maybe if I close my eyes long enough I'll wake up next to Eris and I can tell her about this nightmare I had.” Dial tone.
“Hello thi-” The first time that she told me she loved me.
I stood outside my apartment and reached for my pack of cigarettes, my hands were shaking.
Someone, someone, someone.
The pack was in my hand as reached for my lighter. My lighter- I could not find my lighter.
“Maybe I dropped it, maybe I left it on the table, maybe -” my mind raced. My arm surged.
"What the fuck,” I said to myself. Nothing was working.
I punched the parking meter next to me, smashing my hand against the hard steel, the skin ruptured open and blood began to flow freely down my fingertips. Pedestrians broke step to briefly glance at me.
A small trail of blood shadowed my retreat into the apartment. I stood alone in my elevator, bleeding on the control panel as I mashed the button for my floor. The doors shuddered open.
I did not bother checking my flanks as I entered my apartment, I did not even bother turning on the lights. These details seemed trivial. The city lights dimly lit my apartment in a blueish hue. I found my way to bed and threw myself atop the dirty sheets.
It felt as if my mind had collapsed. All my gears crushed one another into dust. All my circuits were fried. Wires crisscrossing in a mess of molten plastic. Toxic fumes exuded from every pore. Numb. I will be alright. Numb. I will be okay. Numb. This will be alright. Flat line.
Later I woke in the dead of the early morning. Four in the morning, the sun was still far from rising. The pitch black cold clashed with the sleeping city's lights and heaters. All was silent outside save for the odd passing car. My bones felt hollow, I could barely stand. The sheets had scabbed over my shattered hand. I tore my hand from the sheets and wobbled over to the computer as I bled. Nobody was online, nobody was awake. There was no sign of Eris. No message explaining that everything had been one big mix up. Everything I touched became bloodied.
I sat, basking in the blue light of the monitor. I tried to call her again. The same dial tones.
“Hell-” Her laugh.
My mind sparked to a distant memory. Eris lied on top of me, her head pressed into my chest. We had been lying there for hours not saying a word. It was mid-summer, the warm air lulled us into sleepy states. The sun was setting and produced a vibrant orange hue as it shone through the city's pollution. She held me tightly, looked up and said, “I love you, don't ever change.” I kissed her on the forehead and she buried her face back into my chest.
My mind sparked back and I found myself shaking, sitting next to the bed where that memory was born. For the first time in the longest time I found myself on the verge of tears. A woman's scream echoed through the empty city streets, it was followed by laughter. I looked down at the bloodied keypad of the phone and threw it across the room.
“There's no room for weakness here,” I said to myself.
Sunday. I spent the day inside, sitting by my computer, constantly calling Eris. Aleksi, Berne, and Rean all took turns coming online and asking about my day.
“I'm fine,” I told each of them.
You're far from fine
I faked interest in their conversations, talked to them about the most trivial things.
The day was spent lying to myself. Pacing back and forth in my apartment, amidst the ruin and rubble of the past three years. Everything would be okay. Everything is fine.
Eris would never come. Every phone-call was met by the same number of dial tones followed by an answering machine. Every email would receive no response.
By nightfall I was starting to lose control, sitting in front of the blue glow of the computer screen. The fatigue was creeping in, and the my grip on my mind was slipping. Soon my thoughts ran rampant, they wandered off and filled me with terror and doubt. As the night dragged on more people began to abandon conversations for bed as my grip slipped further and further.
Someone
“Shut up, shut up.”
Aleksi said good bye before logging off to bed.
Do you still think it's someone? Do you still think there's any hope here?
“Stop it.”
Do you still think she loves you? Did she ever love you?
“Fuck off.”
Berne logged off after saying good night.
Did she ever understand how much you loved her? Did you really do your best here? Can you imagine her with someone else? Someone else making her laugh. Someone else sharing her bed. Someone else being her world as you fade into an obscure and distant memory. Someone someone someone.
I could not take it. It was too much. I was suffocating. There was only a handful of people still left awake, and of that handful there was only one person I could actually talk to.
Rean was wishing me sweet dreams.
“Wait.”
“Yeah?”
“I don't think I'm okay.”
“What? What's wrong?”
“Everything.”
II.IV
I went to work the next day. It felt like I was witnessing everything behind a thick layer of glass. All the sounds seemed muted, and all the colours seemed drab. Nothing was important. My actions were all automated. Left. Right. Down the elevator. Down the street. If someone strikes a threatening pose reach for the knife. Throw some change. Ride the subway. Get off. Push through Chinatown. Go to work. Yell at Aleksi. Work. Be social. Eat. Go home. Go online, talk
to people. Lie in bed. Be normal, be okay, be fine.
I ate meals that revolved around stolen packets of soy sauce on white rice. My beverages were based around stolen sugar and creamers. I still clung on to the hope that Eris would contact me, that this whole thing could be easily explained as some sort of horrific miscommunication. Some horrific event that someday we would look back upon and laugh. I continued with my life of non-existence and began saving money again.
“She'll be back,” I kept telling myself.
Rean spoke to me whenever she could. “How are you holding up? Are you alright? Do you need me there right now? Are you eating properly?” She asked a million of these questions though she would never ask me if I had heard from Eris. When I would ask if she had heard anything from Eris she would always tell me no.
A month would pass. A long month, the kind that struggles and grinds at every second of every waking moment. It became clear to me that Eris was not coming back. I had been betrayed.
The truth was hard to swallow and even harder to keep down. During the day I would remind myself to be normal, be okay, be fine; the day's energy would keep my mental barriers strong while daily distractions would preoccupy my mind. When nightfall came and the number of available distractions decreased and my barriers weakened, I would be left all alone with my thoughts. It became a race to see if I could fall asleep before my thoughts could hijack my mind, take my sanity hostage, and begin making demands for closure. So many nights lost staring into the void, the screaming of unanswered questions.
Despite the near nightly hostage situations I would slowly pick through the rubble. I would reclaim my life, hot baths, regular meals. Over the next two weeks any trace of Eris was