“Wooo!” Blake takes a running leap and splats onto the Slip ’n Slide. “I call next turn!”
I love seeing Blake this way, like nothing bad has ever happened to him, like he has no worries. He’s never this happy during the school year. I really hope being a senior will make his life more tolerable.
THURSDAY.
Blake wanted to check out some fish at the pet store, so I went with him. Every time he comes over, he’s glued to my fish tank, adoring Wallace and Gromit. Blake wants to get an aquarium when he’s at college. He would get one now if his house felt like home to him. He doesn’t want to bring pets into a hostile environment.
The first thing we saw at the pet store was this scary white cat sitting on his own pedestal. He fluffed out his fur in a huff of attitude. His weird eyes were like lasers, way more expressive than human eyes. It felt like he could read my soul. His eyes were all, Yeah. I know you. I know everything you’re thinking. The cat was acting all exotic and important. Which I guess is what happens when you’re put on your own pedestal.
“He’s freaking me out,” I told Blake.
“Who?”
I pointed at the cat. The cat could totally tell I was pointing at him. His enormous blue eyes narrowed. Yeah. I know what you’ve been doing all summer. I know you’re sneaking around.
All I wanted to do was leave, but I managed to get Phil a toy first. Then I ran out of there.
FRIDAY.
Jason has a surprise for me.
He’s taking me somewhere secret. He won’t tell me where. It’s been like this for three days, with me asking for hints and him not giving me any. You’d think I’d be sick of playing this game by now, but I love it.
I also love being in Jason’s room. It smells like him. All his stuff is here. His bed is really comfortable. I’ve confiscated it while Jason folds some laundry that his mom just brought up. Jason’s house is always extra air-conditioned. I could seriously live here.
“Give me a hint,” I say.
“No hints,” Jason says.
“Just a little hint.”
“Still no hints.”
“Please?”
“I thought you liked surprises.”
“I like them even more when I get a hint.”
Phil’s paws click toward us down the hall. He stands in the doorway, staring at me.
“Hey, Phil,” I go.
Phil stares.
“You’re such a pudding face. Pudding face!” I dangle my arm off the bed. Phil clicks over to me. He sniffs my hand. Then he waits to be petted.
I try a different approach with Jason. “Is it inside or outside?”
“It’s both. No more hints.”
Phil looks up at me with his sad, glassy eyes. I want to tell him that everything’s going to be okay. He always seems so worried. And he’s always snuffling his nose on the floor, like now. So I take out the toy I got for him at the pet store yesterday. That was such a freaky experience.
When I jingle the toy, Phil growls at it. Then he sneezes and bites it and takes it over to the corner for some privacy.
“Ready?” Jason goes.
“For . . . I’m sorry, what is it we’re doing again? I forget.”
“Nice try.”
We get in the Jeep and put on our sunglasses. The afternoon sunlight is incredibly bright. Since the road we’re on really only leads to one place, I think I’ve finally figured out where we’re going.
“Are we going to Smoke Rise?” I ask. That’s where all the hot-air balloons come down. When Mom and I used to drive around following hot-air balloons, we always ended up there. I liked seeing the people who rode in those balloons. I always wondered what kind of people they were and if they ever got scared and what it’s like to be that high up.
“Maybe,” Jason says.
“What might we do at Smoke Rise?”
“Hmm. I haven’t really thought about it.”
When we get there, a hot-air balloon is coming down. We get out and watch it land. Every time a jet of flame is fired to heat the air inside the balloon, it makes a loud, harsh noise.
“This is so cool,” I go. “How did you know when their balloon would be landing?”
“I didn’t.”
“Oh, so this is just a coincidence?”
“Exactly,” he says. He holds my hand.
I scan the few other people here, but I don’t see anyone from school. Not that I think any of them would be interested in something this dorky. You just never know who’s going to be where.
Jason’s like, “Let’s go.”
“Where?”
“To the surprise.”
“I thought that was the surprise.”
“What, that? No, that was just a balloon landing. You can see that anytime.”
“So what’s the surprise?”
Jason points to another balloon on the ground. Then he looks at me, all excited.
“What?” I go.
“Come on.”
We go over to the balloon, which has rainbow stripes on it. There’s a guy next to it, writing something on a clipboard. When he sees us he goes, “Hi there, Jason.”
“Oh my god,” I go. “Are you taking me for a hot-air-balloon ride?”
“If I said no, could I keep the surprise going?”
I’ve always wanted to go on a hot-air-balloon ride. And Jason knows it. He knows it and he didn’t just sit around knowing it. He actually did something about it.
It’s not until we’re so high up with everything looking impossibly small below us that it hits me. The huge problems we deal with every day are actually really small. We’re so focused on what bothers us that we don’t even try to see our lives from a clearer perspective.
Everything will be okay. No matter what happens after Erin comes home, no matter how mad at me she gets, it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. Isn’t that what fate is all about? The Energy influencing our actions, directing us toward our destiny? If Jason and I are destined to be together, then everything that happened this summer happened just the way it was supposed to.
Too bad Erin probably won’t see it that way.
SATURDAY.
During a colossal lapse in judgment, I agreed to go in the pond.
Since that time we took the rowboat out on the lake, Jason’s done a few more swimming lessons with me without any actual swimming involved. I hardly had to get in the water at all. One time I walked with him along the shore, getting my feet wet and looking for interesting shells. After a while I felt comfortable enough to go in up to my knees. It wasn’t so bad. Last week we took the train a bunch of towns over to a public pool. Jason held me while I floated. I floated with my buddy in swimming, too, but I’m feeling like I can trust the water a little more now. I can’t imagine ever trusting it completely, though.
But tonight, I’m excited about the water. Because tonight it’s all about night swimming.
Green Pond is ours exclusively. If anyone catches us, Jason will use his lifeguarding status to justify trespassing. It’s only 9:00, so I don’t think we’ll get in too much trouble if we’re caught.
We linger at the edge of the pond, looking out at the vast darkness of it.
Jason holds my hand.
“Don’t let go of me,” he says.
“I’m never letting go of you.” I’m so scared that I’m squeezing Jason’s hand way too hard. I can’t help it. This will be my first time going into any water that’s not a pool since the accident. Natural water is way scarier than pool water. Anything can happen out here.
The night is so clear. There are a million stars. I find the Big Dipper. It reassures me that I’ll be safe.
We take a step. Then another.
I’m up to my ankles.
Then my knees.
Then my thighs.
When the water is up to my waist, I have to stop for a long time.
“This is as far as I can go,” I decide.
“Are you sure?”
“I
’m really sure.”
“Well, let’s just hang out here for a while and see what happens.”
We talk about everything. Train-track walks and fate and horoscopes and our summer jobs and school and ideas for new note codes. When I eventually look back up at the stars, they’re in different positions.
“Think you can go in a little more?” Jason says. “You’re safe.”
“I’ll try.”
I grasp his hand. We walk in farther. Soon, I’m up to my shoulders.
“You’re doing great,” he says. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”
Jason stands in front of me, holding my hands. “Would you let me pull you along for a few seconds? All you have to do is kick your feet behind you.”
“For how many seconds?”
“Three?”
Can I really do this? As long as my feet are on the bottom of the pond, I know I probably won’t drown. But once I can’t feel the ground supporting me anymore . . .
Then I remember my goal. I want to swim in Hawaii next summer. I want to know what it feels like to be free.
“Okay,” I go.
Jason looks surprised. “Really?”
“Hurry up before I change my mind.”
It works. Jason pulls me along while I glide through the water for a few seconds, kicking behind me. We do it again and again until I’m not so scared anymore.
I’ve always hoped for this. When I would be strong enough to finally overcome my fear. When everything would begin to fall into place. My life finally has the chance to be everything I’ve always wanted it to be.
part three
september-october
“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant,
filled with odd waiters who bring you things
you never asked for and don’t always like.”
—Lemony Snicket
“The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected
is what changes our lives.”
—Meredith Grey
30
Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. I just never imagined that things could get this bad.
31
If you told me three months ago that Erin would ever think Jason is a loser, I would have been like no way. But here she is. Sitting on my front porch. Complaining about what a loser Jason is.
“Who breaks up with someone while they’re away at camp?” Erin rants. “Who does that? In a letter?”
She’s been home for two days. I haven’t told her yet. Jason’s the one who’s going to tell her. He feels responsible. He had to go away for some family Labor Day-weekend thing, so he won’t see Erin until school starts.
“Want more lemonade?” I ask.
“Totally,” Erin goes. “This humidity is ridiculous.”
I fill her glass with lemonade and add a twist of lime. I love adding a twist of lime. It’s very adult.
I was really hoping that Erin would still be swooning over her summer fling with Lee. It’s not like that, though. I’ve never seen her this angry. She’s been ranting about Jason since she got here. Plus, she ranted the whole time when I saw her yesterday. She’s nowhere near finished.
Facing reality is a major buzz kill.
“It would be one thing if I saw it coming,” Erin rants on. “Like if we were fighting or something. But everything was fine when I left. How could that have changed so quickly? I wasn’t even here!”
I nod sympathetically. Hiding the truth from her is killing me. Actually, her extreme anger is making me scared to tell her, so I’m kind of relieved that Jason’s doing it instead.
“What do you think happened?” she goes.
“Oh . . . um . . .”
“Where does he get off dumping me in a freaking letter? Who the eff does he think he is?!” Erin’s glass jerks. Lemonade sloshes onto the porch floor.
“Sorry,” she says.
“That’s okay.” Maybe this would be a good time to focus the conversation on Lee. I go, “Where’s Lee from again?”
“Somewhere down the shore.”
“Is he coming up?”
“Maybe.”
“That’s cool.”
A mourning dove hoos.
Erin doesn’t say anything else about Lee.
“I can’t believe I have to face everyone at school,” she says.
“Don’t worry. No one knows.”
“Oh, they will. The rumors will be rampant. What I am supposed to say when they ask why we aren’t together anymore? Everyone will find out that Jason dumped me.” Erin’s eyes get watery. “I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.”
“Don’t worry. No one has to know. It’s not like Jason’s going to tell anyone.”
“How do you know?”
“He’s not like that.”
“Good one,” Erin scoffs. “I didn’t think he would break up with me in a freaking letter, either. But there you go. Who knows what else that dumbass is capable of?”
As soon as she leaves, I call Jason. I tell him I can’t see him again until Erin knows about us. Being with him this summer when it was just the two of us was one thing. Now that Erin’s back, I can’t face her if I’m still hooking up with Jason. I feel like the most horrible person ever. It’s hard enough seeing her and acting like nothing’s changed. Like, what, Erin will come over after school and then I’ll go sneak around with Jason after?
What the hell was I thinking?
Jason’s like, “What are you saying?”
“It’s different now that she’s back. I can’t see you and then pretend like nothing’s going on. It’s not fair to her.”
“Are you saying we can’t see each other at all? Or just at school?”
“At all.”
“Until she knows.”
“Right.”
“What about after she knows?”
“Then we won’t have to hide it anymore.”
I grab Magic 8 Ball and shake it. I think my question: Is Erin going to be okay? Magic 8 Ball says, SIGNS POINT TO YES.
“Look.” I hear Jason switch the phone to his other ear. “You know I want to tell her in person. I can see if she’ll get together when I get home tomorrow.”
“Are you going over to her house?”
“I was thinking more like meeting her at The Fountain.”
I don’t say anything. How can he take her there? That’s our place.
“Lani?”
“I’m here.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Why do you have to go there?”
“We don’t have to go anywhere.”
“But you said you wanted to tell her in person.”
“I do. So where do you think we should go?”
It really shouldn’t matter. Jason can tell her at The Fountain if he wants. It’s just that I don’t want the image of Jason telling Erin that we’re together to be there every time I go in for some gelato.
Why am I being so crazy about this?
“No, it’s okay,” I tell him. “Go to The Fountain.”
“I haven’t even asked her to meet up yet. She might say no.”
“Then what?”
“Then I’ll have to tell her at school.”
“But that’s two whole days from now.”
“Okay, I’ll call and ask if she’ll meet tomorrow night.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with telling her? Because I can—”
“Yes. It has to be me.”
After we hang up, all these annoying What If questions come rushing in. What if Erin wants Jason back? And she tells him that? And he feels bad and gets back together with her? What if he can’t tell her the truth about us?
When the phone rings, I jump. It’s Jason already.
“That was fast,” I go.
“She hung up on me.”
“What?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t even ask her.”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing. When she heard it was me,
she hung up.”
“Did you try calling back?”
“So she could hang up on me again? I don’t think so.”
“So now what?”
“I could try texting her. But I doubt she’ll want to see me.”
“Just tell her you have to talk to her. Say it’s really important.”
“She’ll want to know why.”
“Then I guess we have to wait until school.”
This is so messed up. I just told Jason that we shouldn’t see each other until Erin knows. There’s no way I’m waiting two more days to see him again. Except there’s not much I can do about it. It’s not like I can tell Erin that Jason wants to talk. She’ll want to know what for. And I can’t tell her about us because Jason is insisting that it has to be him.
“Well . . .” Jason goes, “I guess I’ll see you at school.”
“Yeah. See you there.”
Two days is forever from now. I don’t know how I’m going to survive until then. All I can think about is how good it feels when we’re together. Just being with him and kissing him and knowing that nothing can get in the way of us.
Except maybe reality.
32
Today is the worst first day of school ever.
Forget that Erin refused to talk to Jason when he went up to her. Forget that she still doesn’t know.
There’s a rumor going around that Blake is gay.
I never thought this would happen. I have no idea how it got started. If people were going to spread that around, wouldn’t it have been out there a long time ago? Who’s all of a sudden going to start a rumor like this senior year?
It’s not like Blake’s done anything different recently to make someone suddenly notice him. He was totally low-key all summer, spending most of his time at glassblowing.
Nothing about him has changed.
I’m the only person who knows he’s gay and there’s no way I would tell anyone. Blake knows he can trust me with—
Wait.
There was that day at the end of last year with Jason. When I blurted out about Blake being gay. Jason promised he wouldn’t tell anyone. And I believed him. I still do.