I spent almost an hour in this state of mind and I was searching for a solution because I didn't have another option apart remaining at my father's home . Those two years of life in respect and generosity among Solen family members seemed to me like a fairy dream and I remembered their heavenly and holy faces and I continued crying . I was confused about going to their house and asking for money , just after two days I left them . So I decided going to the 'sweet-uncle' store , because I already knew that 'sweet-uncle' in some weekend go to the store to check the accounts . Meanwhile I was thinking that if the store was closed I could go seeing another great friend to whom I owed the whole of my life , 'sherven' of course , and after realizing that in this town I had some friends on whom I still could rely , I began walking with a bolder attitude and with a self-confidence . Fortunately the store of 'sweet-uncle' was open and when he saw my pale face and upset look , came at me worrying about the things happened to me and asked what brought me at his store . I told him in few words the story of the meat and the lost coin . He became so disturbed by my tale about the two days life at the father's home that he frowned and was thinking for a while . Then he controlled himself and looked at me with his usual kindness and compassion and put in my hand a bill without saying something to increase my disappointment and sent me back home ...
...Breathless and trembling I entered the house . Once in the room , I saw that everyone was moveless just like statue . When they noticed my presence , they begun watching me with suspicious eyes . My father stared at me with anger as if he was looking at a dangerous criminal . I approached carefully with a shivering heart . They were all waiting to see my reaction and to know the 'destiny' of that lost piece of coin . Then I took the bill from my pocket and gave it to my father . At this moment I noticed that the bill was four times more than the coin my father gave me to buy the meat . My father took the money and looked at it with a sort of surprise and put it in his pocket without asking me how I could get that money and from where . So I didn't say a word .
Anyway at each moment there was always a pretext for my solitary suffering . After all those years of desperation of my early childhood and after all my eagerness for finding and seeing my mother , not only she didn't express any care or kindness but on the contrary beside her indifference , it seemed that she really enjoyed mistreating and humiliating me , such an attitude provoked necessarily the hostility and the suspicion of my siblings toward me . At first I thought that maybe she is naturally indifferent and introverted woman and if she had the same attitude with her other children, I would not be hurt at this point , but I noticed that she had this reaction only toward me and she built with this hostility a sort of barricade with her other children against me , and quite simply because she was fearing my father, she didn't dare expressing openly her hatred toward me in front of him .
Many years later , after reading lot of books in the field of psychology and psychoanalysis and also all the great novels which explained the tales of lot of children or people having the similar experiences than me , I tried to understand the background of such a behaviour and the impact of genetics and the personal griefs in humans, I forgave all the pain and all the trauma my mother behaviour produced in me throughout my life , because I knew that my parents were suffering a sort of psychological disorder which put them apart from all the ordinary and caring parents , and they belonged to the category of 'sick' parents , and the sick people are not responsible for their acts or thoughts .
Because of my natural optimism, at those moments I tried to deceive myself and was thinking that maybe after seeing all my love and honesty toward her , she would become kind with me and progressively she would learn to love me after all these years of separation and would lose her hostility .
I should mention that the room my parents rented was one of the rooms in the house of a very nice woman . Because of the necessary contacts with her , she became familiar with the mentality of her new tenants and showed toward me a particular kindness and attention and loved me as her own child , so she paid more attention to me than to others because she had noticed that I was somehow rejected in the family , so sometimes she praised my sweetness in front of my mother and the children , and my mother frowned at these moments and showed openly that she didn't like such remarks .
One of those days it happened to me something that didn't leave the least doubt that my life was totally indifferent for my mother. In an afternoon when I came back home from school , I had to pass by some trees in the garden before reaching the house , accidently my foot has been entraped in some hole and I fell down on the ground , before standing up I noticed that the blood was flowing from my wrist , wounded by some broken glasses of a bottle . The lady , owner of the house was doing some laundry in the garden and saw this accident and letted me know that I had better to hurry up for joining the room and to band my wrist . Terrifyied and upset I entered the room and was hopping that my parents and the children by seeing me in that state would precipitate toward me and would help me , but not any reaction , neither the least move , they were all sat quietly , my father was reading some book and was so absorbed that he even didn't turn his head toward me , my siblings were looking at me with an absolute indifference and my mother , sitting in a corner was helping my little brother to sleep and with her usual calm , threw a look at me , then frowning told me :"be careful , the blood would make dirty the floor , hurry up to clean it if not the carpet would get soiled !". I was dizzy and at each moment I could lose conscience , the voice of the landlady shaked me because she asked anxiously my mother if the blood flowing has been stopped , but at her astonishment she saw what was happening , so in a hurry she kept my shoulders and brought me in her room and letted me sit on a bed and begun cleaning my wrist with cotton and boiled water and then used some disinfectant on the wound and banded carefully my wrist . She was so upset that her face was colourless out of anxiety and with a trembling voice she comforted me by saying :" thank god that your main artery has not been cut if not the loss of blood would exhaust you ". She letted me stay for some minutes in her room and because the tea was ready , she insisted that I take the tea with some jam and still was consoling me , after a while when I felt better I went at our room and took refuge in my corner .
36
My days were spending so without any change in my relation with my parents and siblings , and each day increased my sorrow and disappointment . My father intended moving definitely to the homeland and this fact would necessarily change seriously my destiny . Moreover , with all the psychological characteristics I noticed in my parents , this migration was making the perspective of my destiny even darker and my future completely unknown . I asked myself what was my link to them and for what reason I might follow them , how my mother would treat me or stand me once in the new country? , how my siblings would accept me while in this short time they showed all their indifference and hatred ?, what would guarantee the improvement of our future relationship ? nothing at all . But my father didn't pay any attention to all of this and ignored absolutely the details of my relation with my mother or my siblings , this sort of feelings was totally meaningless and unimportant to him , he considered himself my father and as like the father of his three other children , and it seemed natural to him that I follow his plan and projects , he didn't notice how much I was ignored by them and how much I was a subject of hatred for my mother and my siblings , finally I found myself among them a creature without any value , worth or identity and realized that I had fallen in a very threatening thread without any outlet , and the rescue seemed almost impossible .
My siblings showed openly that they didn't like to accept me in their 'equip', all their talks were confidential and ear to ear , hiding everything from me , also I couldn't understand what caused that they have been educated as
very selfish and arrogant children who never letted a 'stranger' joins their 'complicity' unless exceptionally and apparently I wasn't considered that exception . Their main amusement was mocking the other ones or making fun of people by some 'coded' gestures , they were always awaiting for finding a new subject for their amusement . For example the event of the meat I had to buy, became the best subject for their laughing and mockery for weeks in a way that my big brother created and organized a theatre on that ground and performed it in front of my stupefyied eyes . Most nights I was sitting in my corner in the room and was revising my courses and when my father was not at home , my brother performed the 'theatre of meat' which was an insulting act with strange voices and gestures which were apparently mine , and my mother , sister and my little brother were rolling on the floor out of laugh and I was looking at them astonished . I remembered that in the 'sweet-uncle' home , what an endeavour was made to distract and to amuse wisely a child and how much encouragement was showed to cheer up or to extend the creativity of children , and now I was witnessing bitterly that my talented brother and my smart sister used their creativity to hurt their own brother and I felt sorry for all of that . In this house I even didn't dare to praise god because I already knew that it would become a new subject to make fun of me and to create a new mocking 'theatre'. Sometimes when I tried to occupy myself with drawing or painting , each time I had to stop my work because they didn't let me doing that and tried to discourage me .
One afternoon ,'sherven' came visiting me . His arrival at those desperate moments of my state of mind was just like the appearance of a protector angel . When he has been informed of the coming of my parents in that town , despite of all his occupations with his studies and his private life , he came visiting my parents at our place and to greet them . On that afternoon my father was at home . Sherven , once seeing my father shaked his hand warmly and greeted him for the happiness they provided for me by their arrival in the town . Despite of the cold and indifferent welcome of my father , 'sherven' sat few minutes on the floor . Meanwhile I begun explaining shortly all the devotion and all the things 'sherven' did to save my life . In fact I owed the path of my life and my destiny to 'sherven' , without his recommandations maybe I would never been accepted in the 'solen' family and maybe I would be killed by people like 'gorgon'. But the absolute indifference my father showed toward 'sherven' and his role in my life , proved his complete indifference about my whole life . Sherven didn't express his surprise for such an encounter . My mother and the children didn't come in the room at all and they kept themselves busy in the kitchen and even didn't offer to him a cup of tea . I knew very well that 'sherven' was astonished by such an encounter but didn't express something or saying a word , so he stood up to leave us and said goodbye to my father who without moving just made a sign with his head . Sherven was touched because his face became red but he tried to not let me notice something to avoid increasing my trouble and my embarrassment . While leaving he offered to me the gift he had brought with him . It was a splendide leather briefcase for the school , which could be opened and closed by two bright locks , it was really amazing , the smell of the leather was enthralling , although I couldn't separate myself from that gift , but I put it carefully in my corner just to farewell 'sherven' till the door of the house . Sherven was happy that I liked his gift but I was sure that he was touched by the cold welcome of my father .
Once outdoor , we walked alongside in the street 'sherven' and me and I begun expressing my excuses for the cold encounter of my father and I added :"Sherven , I'm really sorry that my father didn't express any gratitude or respect toward you , he is so , this is his character , what can I do ? while I know and acknowledge all the sacrifices you did for me and how many times you saved my life , I hope someday I would be able to recompense all you did for me . Maybe it would be better to never come visiting them and avoiding such a disrespectful encounter . Sometimes I think that maybe it would be better for me too to never meet my parents because all my dreams about the biological parents have been vanished and seem absurd . Their behaviour is so that I believe genuinely that if I had never known them or seen them I would be certainly happier , at least if such a meeting never occured , my destiny would be clearer and more obvious ... maybe I have better to leave them at all ..." . Sherven who remained silent all this time and was listening carefully and quietly to my complaining words and time to time looked at me with his intelligent eyes , suddenly has been surprised by my last statement and astonishingly told me :"what is this nonsense talk ? do you think others home would be better than your own? do you think that the others would be more kind and more caring than your own parents ? . I replied :"Sherven , the behaviour and the reactions of these people who are seemingly my biological family is so strange that sometimes I think that maybe it has happened essentially a mistake , and maybe they are not really my parents ". Sherven consoled me by saying :" my friend , you are too sensitive and too susceptible ", then he stopped and while his face was reflecting an especial shining , looked at me with a direct glance full of kindness and calm and added :" don't forget that you have a friend like me who is always ready to help you and to protect you , you can always rely on me , just throw away all of this disturbing thought and take it easy for a while , I'm sure that you will have a bright furture ".
I have been so impressed by what he said that I took his hand , shaked it and expressed my gratitude , feeling a sort of warmth in my heart and my eyes were in tears . Sherven quickly proposed :" look , come have dinner with me and my fiancee , her family invited me for dinner and I'm sure that my fiancee would really enjoy seeing you because she always ask about your news , and you will forget all the things which torment you for the moment", before I could reply , he added :" but first I should deliver my study project to my professor who lives with his family just in this quarter , you can be in my company till there if you want ". I followed him eagerly and noticed that we left behind us few streets away from my parents home , so I continued my walk with him . Sherven retrieved his usual joyful mood and forgot completely the scene of my parents home and begun whispearing some song , his projects for the future had absorbed all his attention , meanwhile he said :"you know in few months in summer holidays I will get married , because my studies are almost finished and I will have a stable job , so tonight at my fiancee home we will talk about the date of our wedding ". I felt so happy for him because he was the very man if not the only one who deserved the happiness and I expressed all my best wishes for him and his fiancee . He looked at me with an extreme kindness , and he walked fastly and I was almost running to reach him . At this moment I remembered 'gorgon' , so I asked if he had any new of him . He slowed down his walk and he didn't become angry like in the past by hearing the name of 'gorgon', on the contrary he said with a wise attitude :" you know , if you see 'gorgon' you would not recognize him at all . He doesn't look the same he looked in the past , he wore very elegant and expensives clothes , walk and talk with a very distinguished manner , smile to the people around and keep his head so upside that no one can doubt his noble origin , there are always lot of people like servants around him and try to please him by all means , anyway his look doesn't provoke any hatred or despise anymore , everyone respects him . He succeeded to create a 'dignifyied' status for himself by establishing relationship with all the influential people in the city . I noticed something strange about the human nature , humans who consider themselves smart and intelligent accept very easily a 'lie' , a 'vanity' and a 'wrong' which has a good appearance as the most authentic and the most genuine reality . On the other hand , all these years I learned that we can't solve a problem or establishing the justice by fighting or by force , and it's impossible to defend the righteousness by eliminating an evil-doer ". Sherven noticed my surprise and while smiling added :" don't be surprised my little friend and don't think that I lost my combative spirit for the justice , the righteousness or the goodness , not at al
l , simply I changed my ways of fighting or denouncing the evil , now I'm acting mostly by my mind than by the force of my muscles. Each time I see or encounter 'gorgon', and my whole body and mind is invaded by the anger and hatred against the evil , instead of struggling or fighting him with my fists , first I control myself and then I evaluate all the aspects of my reaction and think about the best way to denounce the badness . By denouncing 'gorgon' , only a tiny part of the human hypocrisy, corruption , deceit and compromise is revealed . Recently I learned to lead my energy and eagerness for the justice toward the self-control , to try to be good myself and being an effective model of the best and the most noble principles and qualities , also during all this time I noticed that how much the justice praised in the books has been corrupted and disguised in the real life . This is a very complicated and very complex issue just like the human nature and it is impossible to establish that with empty hand or just by our body forces . Where we believe that we have been just and worked for the righteousness , we notice surprisingly that we made a mistake somewhere else and we have been wrong and injust in other fields ".