...The moments I spent at the landlady's home relieved my sorrow. I went in the garden and lay down under a willow tree and I was thinking about the sweet and kind words of those two women . I couldn't understand that how everyone noticed and talked about my charming look and sweetness while my mother hated and ignored me . Until then I thought that maybe because I was ugly and bad looking and not as beautiful as my siblings that my mother hated me and the reason of her hatred was my ugliness , but at my surprise I was always the center of attention everywhere we went with my siblings and everyone praised my charm even more than the beauty of my siblings . In vain I was searching for a logical reason for the hatred of my mother toward myself because at this moment I couldn't realize the complexity of the human mind and its emotions . So I deduced that maybe something was wrong with my behaviour and I was not enough kind and caring about them , or maybe I had a cold attitude which incited their despise and hatred and was unable to express my warm emotions and feelings toward them . Then I remembered the word of that woman who said to me :"be sure ,you are a lovely child, and because since your birth you have been rescued from all the fatal accidents , you will certainly be happy and your future would be brilliant because of your exceptional destiny , don't be disappointed , all your dreams would come true someday ". These words filled me with a sort of positive energy and erased all the bitterness stocked in my heart . It was late in the evening and through the branches of the willow tree I could see the stars who were shining pleasantly and created an enchanting scenery , I felt that I reached the Beauty of the world and then I vowed that all my life I will be nice , kind , honest and human toward everyone , so gradually I tried to clean all the resentment and badness I could find in my soul and began believing that if I become good and kind myself , certainly it would leave some impact on the others . So I stood up and gathered some wild flowers and made a bouquet and went with my best intentions to the corridor , moved up the stairs and arrived at our room door , there I heard the voice of my siblings who were discussing and argueing , my big brother was saying with a loud voice :"he sulked now and would never come back", my sister said with an angry voice :"how good, he'd better getting lost and never come here , this is not a place for him , we are largely enough and don't need someone else bothering and troubling us ", at this time my mother replied :"do you think that he would find a better place than this ? where can he go apart this home ? I'm sure that we would never get rid of him and each day he would mistreat you more and more ", at this time my mother sighed and added :"I wonder how this one appeared suddenly in our life". This last statement of my mother hurt me in a way that I forgot all my vows and regretted my intention to gain their love and attention by offering some flower to them . So I took refuge in my place in the corridor under the stairs and once again I cryied a lot . Although I was very hungry , but my pain was so great that I forgot my hunger and was thinking about what could I do or what should I do in such a condition . I almost didn't see my father unless sleepy and early in the morning , on the other hand how could I complain about all of this or about their behaviour to him , was he himself more kind and loving toward me than the others ? Could he force my mother to love me ? Does a fake love would satisfy me ? Sometimes I deceived myself by thinking that it would be possible to incite her to stop her despise and hatred toward me , because I was convinced in that moment that she was an 'intelligent' and 'wise' woman because she showed herself very competent in managing things and she always found a solution for the most difficult problems and she was always aware and lucid about her very interests . But that night I realized that few people in the world followed the rules of the logic and reason , instead they were mostly prey of their instincts and emotions which become a second nature for them and so all the troubles are created in this manner among humans .
That night I slept in my corner in the corridor and had a wonderful dream about a warm and loving family and a bright life full of hope and happiness . But my dream didn't last long because I've been awakened by the beating of the door . Like a wire I jumped and went to open the door for my father . He didn't ask a word about how I was doing because at this moment his only concern was our moving back to the homeland and the way and the time of preparing ourselves for this journey.
In the morning when I opened my eyes , I regretted that , I wished never been awakened and losing all my life in an eternal sweet and soft sleep . My mother called me for some errands . I was serving in that home like a servant and an errand boy , I used to do all the works of the house , even the laundry , the shopping , the doorkeeping . My siblings ordered me to do lot of things for them and my mother rejoiced that she could use me as a servant for her children and so was showing her love to them . Sometimes my siblings , late in the night wanted to have cake or cookies , and if because of the darkness I refused going out , my mother out of anger begun cursing and insulting me repeatedly and presenting me as their most dangerous and horrible enemy and she explained :" you see , didn't I tell you that he's a useless buddy ?if he refuses going out buying something for you , what would be his use ? I told you that he doesn't recognize mother and siblings , he's an ungrateful creature ". She repeated all of this sort of statements days and nights , so my siblings without following any common sense , blindly believed what their mother said , and her opinion and beliefs gradually made up their mind for considering me as their enemy and at each moment they showed their hostility and increased their insults and curses , in a way that this behaviour became a sort of custom and duty for them. I deduced that how much the wrong opinions and suggestions of the parents and their wrong advices could give a wrong education to the children in such a way that they become unable to judge things impartialy and when this path is traced for the family members , they would necessarily follow this path , and because the family is a part of the human society , this sort of hostility and animosity provoke conflicts among the tribes and nations and they end in deadly wars . Also I realized that humans had a very rebellious nature hardly took under control by the reason and wisdom , the least word could create a bloody conflict and an unavoidable war .
38
In my tortuous life , I was always pushed forward by unexpected incidents , without any family or home , I was like a broken ship wandering on a stormy and threatening ocean , prey of the aweful waves , throwing me at each moment somewhere unknown and at each bend I encounterd things that few people could have experienced , at each moment I found myself in front of different sort of humans with various temper , beliefs and behaviour , in a way that I could observe and evaluate the state of mind of the people , and because my desperate eyes were always searching for some kindness and help , I could recognize the ones who had unselfish good intentions toward their fellow human and had a heart full of compassion , and this category of people believed always in some noble principles and their behaviour was dictated by sense and wisdom.
My family considered itself very modern and very human and each one claimed having high ideals and the most advandced humanitarian wishes and they were always talking about the well-being and the happiness of all people around the world and if someone expressed something against their claims , they were ready to crash the teeth and mouth of the one who dared doubting their claims . The same family members who had such a humanitarian ideals , ignored and mistreated their own son and brother quite easily as if I was an exception in the humanity and didn't deserve their 'humanitarian' feeling .
Anyway , when we find ourselves in front of a situation which seems without any outled , we search for some exit or relief to make the circumstances more bearabable . My condition in that house worsened each day and sometimes I decided to leave it forever and once again taking refuge in the home of strangers but this time without having the least illusion about the biological family and continuing my life by accepting my miserable past and all my painful experiences . The indifference of my parents and the inappro
priate hatred of my siblings created such an horrible astmosphere that I intended going somewhere else at least for some time in order I could think peacefully and deciding for my life . But once again I realized that all the bridges were broken and cut behind me and it was absolutely impossible to go back at the 'sweet-uncle' home . I learned this when few days earlier I went seeing 'sweet-uncle' at his store and was complaining about my family members and their behaviour and told him shortly my way of life among them . I noticed that 'sweet-uncle' has been very impressed and felt very sorry for what happened to me , but he could do nothing for me because in his beliefs , a child who has parents , bad or good , it is up to them to decide about their children , especially a child who had a father like mine who was a well-know man in that region , and if such a child leaves his parents , it would be shameful and the sign of a rebellious child who deserved beeing blamed . Then when I thought about my old friend and protector 'sherven' , I imagined him too busy with his private life , on the other hand he could always be a devoted friend for me , but he never could give me shelter and taking care of me in his home , I was a foreigner and this would cause trouble for him , that's why I found myself completely blocked by each side .
But I should mention that despite of my hurt soul who was always searching for the least care and needed the least kindness and now that I found myself in an hostile surrounding and had to suffer the angry frowning faces of my mother and siblings and their hatred and indifference , my heart who was always beating eagerly only for love and kindness , some inner strange force incited me to bear all of this and showing myself courageous, strong and calm and leaving my touchy nature , and believing in the truth and the justice which would certainly prevail .
The study year reached its end and I was successful in gaining very high scores at my examinations and getting brilliant results . Mr.Solen was like always very attentive to my studies and talents , so he introduced me to the director of our school and praised all my learning skills and especially my exceptional talents in drawing and painting . The director of the school promised that at the begining of the new study year he would organize a reception feast for the exhibition and the selling of all of my artworks and would dedicate its whole income to the investment of my studies . I felt so enthralled by all these promises and care that I forgot all my domestic troubles and also I even forgot that I had any sorrow , the least cheer up could make me blooming like a neglected tree which had recieved some care and water . That summer, because I noticed that as few time I spend at home as more they would be satisfied and happy, I brought with myself all my painting stuff and brushes within the nature in the countryside and kept myself busy with my paintings under the versatile sunlight in an absolute loneliness . The perspective of organizing an exhibition of my artworks had left a definitive impact on my soul in a way that I became calm and careless about all the mistreating reaction of my family members . I had accepted all my troubles and pains and I discovered that producing artworks would comfort and relieve me forever.
But my new found happiness didn't last long . Because all my concerns during the few past months were whirling around the moods and tempers of my family members , and the remaining time was dedicated to my studies , I could lesser pay attention to the things which happened in the society and in our city , and my only relations with people were restricted to my family members, my usual teachers and schoolmates , and nothing more.
But seemingly lot of things occured during this time and one of them was the last warning to all foreigners to choose their nationality and their citizenship , and I knew this when my father came at home late in the night and announced with his usual insensitive and indifferent air that we should move the next day at noon and leave that region . This was an order and obviously no one dared expressing any protestation or refusal , my siblings could hardly extinguish their surprise and discontent , and my mother was groaning and expressing her protestation very carefully and quietly and obviously none of this could impress my father in changing his mind or even to postpone the day of our travel . I was shocked and was the last one who had a right to protest , upset and very anxious I went at my place in the corridor and was thinking the whole night about this new till the morning . My condition was quite strange , because nothing , absolutely nothing related me to this family , I couldn't understand based on what ground or what link I had to follow them in their journey , while my mother and siblings were hating me , how could they bear me in their company or their settlement in the new country . I was mostly worrying about their feelings toward myself and about their capacity to stand me in this new settlement much more than considering my own feelings . Because I already knew myself that I was able to suffer everything , all sort of deprivation in the new place and forgive them all , but I was not sure about their ability to accept me and to fulfill their engagement toward their son . On the other hand my father ignored all my struggle with my mother and siblings , he was so absorbed by his own business that he could seldom pay any attention to the feelings of his 'touchy' son , my company in this travel was as obvious as the company of the other family members , because his relation with me was not different from his relation with his other children or his wife , and he considered my troubles in the family as the usual troubles among all families , for him the others didn't exist at all , he never bothered himself to think about the soul, feelings , emotions and acts of his children , for him nothing mattered apart himself , and nothing was more important than himself , and this made my condition even more complicated , because for my siblings the settlement in the ancestral homeland would not produce a real change , they already enjoyed the protection of their mother , but for me it was different , leaving that region where I spent whole my young life , where I was familiar with its realities , culture and everything around , especially all the good people I known there on which I could rely , was very hard , although I was eager to know my homeland but what I would become alone , without any protection among the hatred of my family members , I would find myself in an absolute loneliness and isolation and this perspective frightened me till death . No one was telling to me directly and openly that :'we don't love you, we don't like you and we prefer that you don't follow us in this travel", as well as no one told me that I had and I should come with them despite of all the hatred and all the troubles . But one thing was sure for me and it was this fact that in the case of my refusal to be in the company of my family , I would lost all my good friends and people I found and known until then , because I would be considered a rebellious child who didn't follow his family rules and then none would give me shelter or protection and so I would attract all their negative feelings and I would fall too low and my relationship would be once again with all the desperate people like the ones in the orphanage . This perspective was not brighter than the first one . So , early in the morning , after considering all my options which were really few if not nothing , I decided to go with them , hoping that in the new homeland I would build my life and will begin everything from zero . Once my decision has been taken , I begun thinking about how to say goodbye to my friends or how to inform my school about the canceling of my study project and my artworks exhibition and the vanishing of all my hopes in this field , if only I knew this moving plan one day earlier , I could maybe manage some of the things , but it was too late and quite impossible for taking any initiative , I had only few hours before me to say goodbye to the 'sweet-uncle' and to 'sherven' and preparing everything for the travel , because I already knew that I had to do all , gathering our stuff and preparing them for the long travel until noon .