‘I was alone, Sìne. There was no passion in my life. The lack meant I had no drive to better myself. Could I have been more of a self-starter?’ She jerked a shoulder. ‘Definitely. Could society not have penalised me for being born with brown skin and a vagina. Undoubtedly. I was brought up thinking myself lesser. Lesser to men, lesser to people of other races, lesser to people with more money.’ She scoffed. ‘I cannot tell you what a relief it is to be amongst enlightened, civilised beings.’ She looked me in the eye. ‘It’s hard when you come to the realisation the world we were born in treated us like shit for things so far beyond our control, it’s not even a joke. The Rä are not perfect. Many of them fear me because I’m human, but they’d never shoot me down in the street because the colour of my skin isn’t theirs. They would never stamp me with a number or build a wall to keep me out. They committed genocide, but they learned from it. Even the group that acted against me tried to remove me from the planet when they had ample opportunity to murder me. Mankind never learns. It rehashes the same petty grievances over and over.’ She exhaled. ‘Nowhere is perfect. Nowhere. But there are places a damn sight better than where we came from.’
Her words resonated with me. I knew what it was to be looked down on because I was a woman, and not because of my race, but because I came from a poor background.
These things tormented me when I thought of how my daughter was going to grow and be influenced to act in a manner contrary to her innate nature.
‘Out here, it doesn’t matter what you look like as long as you’re healthy.’ Lumen grabbed her ass. ‘Do you know how refreshing that is for a woman who is naturally curvy? Out here, you can be an intellectual, a wife, a mother and succeed. You can be a power. There are no ceilings and no boundaries aside from the morals universally subscribed to by all species, regardless of their beginnings. Out here, I am free.’ She sat back, bringing her pannikin with her to take a sip. ‘As I said, I like this version of me. I will die before going back.’
Tears streamed down my cheeks.
I liked this version of her. Better than the brainwashed, conditioned, and bastardised version of me.
Out here, I am free.
I had never felt the freedom she described. I wanted it. I wished to bloat myself with knowledge. I ached to be a good mother to my daughter, watch her flourish and thrive because of it. I wanted to lie with Beowyn and Éorik, fuck them with joy as I handed over my heart for safekeeping. I needed to see my family happy. Living their lives as they saw best, no more distorting and mutilating their souls to fit moulds they were never created to fill.
I saw my life for the cage it was and I resented it.
I too craved freedom.
My ancestors fought for it long ago, when their rights were violated to feed a nation’s greed. Calluna at the knee, roaming the Upland brae and Highland mountains they refused to surrender. When did I lose the will to stand tall? I forgot the strength to rebel sang in my very blood. There was no longer a cage except one of my own making.
It might take some time, but I could break free and rebuild my life to suit me.
I wouldn’t be caged. No more and never again.
‘I envy you, Sìne.’
I blinked and came back with a start, realising my epiphanies had not rocked the room, only me. ‘What?’
‘You must feel special.’ Lumen’s tone was wistful, eyes on the middle distance. ‘To be picked as you are.’
‘You’ve lost me.’
Incredulous, she faced me. ‘Sìne, an alien King went to Earth and out of a buffet of several billion women, he chose you. There was no biological imperative, no forced intimacy, no accidental mating. He wandered the planet, spotted you in the crowd and considered you to be the best of the bunch.’
I stared. ‘What?’
‘Venom and I are in love. All my mates and I are in love. But it was hard. There were times on the L’Odo slave planet I wondered if I’d be better off dead. Each day was a battle to survive. You have the opportunity to build a life with a male that selected you as his ideal. I love my life, adore my Rä’Veks, but how could I not be envious of how you’re starting out. Sìne?’
Crying out, I sobbed into my hands.
Lumen’s mouth hung open. She shut it. ‘What did I say?’ She patted my back. ‘Please calm down. Wyn’ll tear strips off me if he hears I upset you.’
‘He called me stupid.’
‘Who?’
My stomach dipped and rolled until I was close to retching. I couldn’t say his name. ‘Fergie’s father.’
‘I didn’t realise he was around.’
‘He wanted nothing to do with us.’
‘Then why do you care what some dick half away across the universe thinks? Sounds like you traded up.’
‘He made me feel so ugly. I look at myself and see what he saw and it’s no good enough. I’m no good enough. I keep trying to remember how it felt to feel sexy and confident, but it’s gone.’
She rubbed my back in wide circles.
‘I couldn’t keep hold of him.’
‘Why would you want to?’ she asked.
‘You don’t understand.’ I sucked in air and my words escaped a wail. ‘I couldn’t keep hold of a bastard like Liam. How the hell am I going to satisfy Beowyn?’ I shuddered. ‘He chose me, aye, but why? I’m nothing special.’
‘He believes you are. Who are you to tell him different?’
‘How will I keep him? We’ll have sex then he’ll get bored and abandon me.’
‘You’re forgetting something. You’re his One. He’ll never abandon you. It’s not the Verak way. You can’t tell me you think it’s his nature to behave like that?’
‘Would you want to be another lover he collects or a wife in name only?’ I shook my head and wrung my hands. ‘Beowyn is so much wow, and I’m just a blah. How will I make him happy?’ My face was florid, my neck and chest wet as if someone had turned a bucket full of water over my head. ‘I wish my body was better because then I could keep him interested. I’m a failure. I failed to finish college. I failed to support myself and Fergie. Do you get what I’m saying? It’s no like my intelligence or forbearance is something for him to get worked up over.’ I hiccuped and dissolved into even messier sobs, trying to cover my face with my hands.
Lumen’s arms wrapped around me. She crooned into my hair and let me bawl, rocking us back and forth. ‘I’m not going to placate you and say you can have whatever body you want because it’s a lie. You get what you’re given. You love it or everybody will tell you how to feel about it. As for your intelligence? You married a wealthy alien king who controls his own planet and is considered the power in intergalactic politics. Darling, you’re not smart, you’re a genius.’ She leant back to swipe her thumbs over my face. She stood. ‘Come on. Up.’
I moaned a protest.
‘Uh huh.’ She yanked me forward. ‘I’m playing the world’s smallest violin.’
Bullied onto my feet, I hunched my shoulders and hugged my middle.
‘What don’t you like about yourself?’
‘I have no tits.’ Breastfeeding Fergie hadn’t helped that situation.
‘You have boobs.’ Lumen grabbed my chest and squeezed. ‘They’re small, but what’s not to like?’
‘Are you groping me?’
‘A little. Well? They feel good enough to me.’
‘If you say so.’
‘Want to feel mine? I’ve got my hands on yours after all.’
‘No particularly.’
‘If you did you’d feel they’re squishy and weigh a ton. I get back aches. It’s uncomfortable to sleep on my front because it’s like being suffocated by my own cleavage, and when I sleep on my back, they hide in my armpits. I can’t run. It’s like having two sandbags strapped to my chest, and it hurts. They train soldiers that way. As for my period, my nipples, which are the size of small moons after Bravest, get so sensitive, I struggle to wear clothing. Even the air makes them prickle, and they bump into everythi
ng because they’re so big.’
I coughed to cover a laugh.
‘That’s not even the worst. I tried to reach over my chest the other day, and I couldn’t because my side boob was in the way. I had to reposition and realign them to get the job done.’
I smiled reluctantly and shook my head.
‘These perky mounds are looking good now, am I right?’ Lumen released my breasts to plant her hands on her rounded hips. ‘What else you got?’
I eyed her warily then circled my face. ‘My freckles.’
‘They give you character.’ She held up a hand when I went to argue. ‘I’m not lying. Against your pale skin, they’re gorgeous. Unique. Wyn adores your freckles. The braggart went on and on about how he was going to count them with his tongue.’ She waggled her eyebrows. ‘Let me know how that goes.’
I flushed a blotchy shade of red. ‘I don’t see that happening.’
‘Oh.’ Her face creased with concern. She dithered before giving into the urge to be nosey. ‘May I ask why?’
‘He’s so confident and sexual, and I’m no.’
‘You slept with Éorik.’
I frowned. ‘How do you know that?’
She rubbed her nose on a sigh. ‘I didn’t. I suspected.’
‘That was different, so spur of the moment, my body acted before my brain caught up. Now the horse has left the barn, so to speak, and he’s seen it all without complaining….’ I jerked a shoulder. ‘I care about him.’
I more than cared. It wasn’t Lumen who needed to know it.
‘You don’t feel the same for Wyn?’
I rocked on my heels and flapped my hands. ‘It’s complicated.’
‘I told myself the same thing when trying to accept how I felt about Fiercely then Cobra. See how that ended? Save yourself the aggravation and go for it.’
‘Orik makes being with him easy. There’s something about him that’s loyal. He’s dismissive of those he does no care about, but I feel as if he made a choice to be on my side and now nothing will get in the way of that.’
‘He has concubines just like Wyn.’
‘Aye, but I don’t feel inadequate because of them. He does no seem to revel in it as Owyn does.’ Thinking about Beowyn’s harem made me want to start screaming and pulling at my hair. ‘I did no love Beowyn when I agreed to the harem.’
In a wordless fit of disbelief, Lumen hit a discordant note. ‘The thought of him being with other people honestly didn’t bother you? You, my friend, are talking absolute bollocks.’
‘I was attracted to him but thought he’d get bored and move on. At least I’d have the means to take care of my daughter and family, right?’
I was an idiot for not having the foresight to realise if I fell in love with my husband, I’d want him to myself.
‘Sìne, seriously, you need tell him this before he gets back there.’
I frantically shook my head.
‘Why the bloody hell not?’
‘What if he gives up other people and is no satisfied with just me?’ I scowled at my toes. ‘I could no bear it if I disappointed him or made him regret choosing me.’
‘You’re putting too much pressure on him and yourself.’
‘I can no help it. It’s no just that, you know? I feel there is an expectation,’ I peeked at her face, ‘to be you.’
Hands falling from her hips, she cocked her head, features lifting in surprise. ‘Me?’
‘Beowyn has stories about you. How you were abducted and a slave. How you tamed the fiercest Rä and single-handedly averted an intergalactic war. How you’re changing the beliefs of an entire planet just by existing.’
‘I sound impressive.’ She eyed me. ‘I heard you kicked some serious Verak ass when they broke into your house.’
I snorted. ‘I did no fight them.’
‘There’s more than one way to win a battle, Sìne. You and your family threw down when they came after you. You negotiated a marriage contract. You took a leap of faith and moved your family across the galaxy in search of a better life. That takes courage. You crash landed on a strange planet and helped rescue your cousins and uncle without knowing if Fergie was alive.’ She thrust a hand through her hair. ‘You inspire me. I kept letting my mates take control of things. I let them decide what was best for us even if I didn’t agree. By following your example, I’ve set ground rules that will stop them spoiling Bravest rotten.’ Some of her light dimmed. ‘I have three mates and a nanny to help me. I’m still exhausted caring for him. You raised Fergie by yourself for three years. She’s an angel.’ Lumen’s smile was wry. ‘I’m in awe of you.’
A croaky sound tore from my throat. I was an ugly crier. I’d learned from a young age to stifle tears because they were good for nothing.
Hearing my troubles repeated back to me in a way that suggested I was more than a fool girl who’d gotten pregnant too young made a hot ball of shame and regret burst inside.
Lumen’s arms closed around me again. ‘It’s going to be alright. Things will get better. I know if you spoke to Wyn, he’d swear to it too.’
I wrapped my arms around her freakishly tiny waist and sobbed into her considerable bosom. My head was hot, and my hair in my face and wrapped around my neck. ‘I hate my h-hair.’ I stuttered into the soaked fabric of her dress. ‘I had it short before, I loved it. Liam said it made me look like a boy.’
‘Bastard.’ She squeezed tighter.
‘I’m no a girly-girl. I have no ass and no tits but I’m no a boy.’
‘Of course not. You’re a striking woman who gave birth to a healthy, clever and beautiful girl.’ She paused. ‘Do you think Fergie looks like a boy?’
I shot her an appalled look.
‘She’s the spitting image of you,’ Lumen said.
I thought Fergie was gorgeous. Her pixyish face and warm personality were adorable. ‘She is?’
‘Yes. Liam didn’t deserve you. His loss. You have Éorik and Beowyn now.’ She tipped my chin up. ‘You have everything you need to be happy.’
I made a noise of protest.
‘It’s true. Don’t let anyone make you forget that. Not even yourself.’ She pushed the tangled mass of hair off my face. Her eyes wandered over it. ‘You don’t like your hair?
Miserable, I shook my head.
‘Let’s cut it then.’
‘But it makes me look….’ I sat. ‘It makes me look like a woman.’
Lumen screwed up her nose. ‘Remember you don’t have to be anyway but your way, and the Verak are some of the most open minded beings you will ever meet.’
I worried my lip. ‘What if Owyn and Orik don’t like it?’
‘Fuck what they think when it comes to your body. Did you know long hair to the Rä is a masculine trait? Fiercely keeps asking to shave me bald.’ She fluffed her own kinky coils with a laugh. ‘Seriously, I don’t think Ori would care as long as you were happy. You could go bald. Wyn would ask to lick your scalp.’
A bark of laughter escaped me.
I tugged at the ends of my hair. ‘Will you help me?’
‘Sure. Will you help me put in two strand twists and bantu knots?’ She pointed at her head. ‘It takes forever to get this stuff to behave.’
‘I don’t know what that is but aye.’
‘Hair cutting is not my thing, but I know who to call.’ She pulled out her SonCom and tapped away at the screen. ‘She’s scary but amazing. A lot of my new found confidence has been nurtured by her advice.’ Lumen dropped her device next to the abandoned dishes. ‘I have problems connecting with the females on Rök. None of them know what to make of me. Deathly is different though. She’s liberal minded and Master Hunter of our territory, which is a big deal.’
Summoned by her name a statuesque female marched through the haze. Her bald head was ridged and her chest flat. Nothing about her suggested she was a female. Her hips were slim as a male’s and her legs long and strong. Her shoulders were broad, and while her neck was graceful, it was thicker than ex
pected to keep her in proportion. She wore boots and nothing else. I scrutinised her variegated flesh, the intricate scales around her ribs and six abdominal segments, which flexed when she moved her four arms, the muscular limbs banded with engraved gold.
How right Lumen was when she said things were different. I needed to set aside my expectations of beauty.
Since I’d boarded the Trekker, I’d wondered where the Rä females were. I’d walked past them without taking a moment to consider the warriors working around me were them.
Deathly’s pointed chin lowered, brille gleaming in the simulated glister creep. ‘Good Greetings, little sister.’
‘She, Deathly as It Goes, Sìne of House Grae.’ Lumen introduced us. ‘We’re grooming.’ She clapped her hands and bounced on the spot. At her overexcitement, I wondered if the nectar we’d knocked back left us inebriated. ‘Join us?’
She grunted. ‘Do you have nectar?’
Lumen held up the jug and hissed, ‘Yesss,’ just like a Ra. She tipped it to peer inside. ‘We drank most of it, but it’s separated, and there’s enough to oil your quills. That sounded dirty. Ha. Lend me a knife?’
‘For what purpose? You hate cutting your pelt.’ She flashed curved fangs. ‘Fiercely despairs over it. He used to boast his Rä’Na would have the smoothest skull ridges. I laugh in his face often. He scowls. How it pleases me.’
Lumen’s eyes watered as she breathed through her giggles. She used the jug to point to me, splashing the liquid inside. ‘Cut Sìne’s head off.’
I choked on my own spit. ‘She meant cut my hair off.’
‘That’s what I said.’ Lumen looked affronted. ‘Same difference.’
‘It’s really no.’
Deathly studied my bloodshot eyes. ‘This act is one of healing.’ Striding to me, making me wonder if I should flee for my life, she unsheathed a dirk as long as my forearm. ‘You need a blade worthy of the task. I slaughtered my first fiercebeast with this dagger.’
‘Ooh,’ Lumen breathed.
‘May it serve you well,’ Deathly said.
More than ready I didn’t hesitate.
I stood, a little off balance and gave her my back. I tossed the red shroud of my hair behind my narrow shoulders. ‘Do it.’ The first cut was shocking, as was the sensation of air on my scalp, four hands simultaneously tugging.