Turning to look at her, Edward felt a stab of pain at the revelation that she would step back and allow him to leave. Still, he knew that he did not deserve anything more. “One night,” he whispered, unable to deny her such a simple request.
Meagan nodded, tears glistening in her eyes. “One night. Ye have my word.”
“All right,” Edward finally said, unable not to do so, and yet, terrified of the desperate longing he felt growing in his heart with each moment spent in her presence.
A lot could happen in one night.
He could only hope he would be able to keep his wits about him.
However, he doubted it very much.
Chapter Ten − One Night
After supper, Meagan entrusted the care of her children to the women of Huntington House, forcing her mind to focus on one thing alone: her husband.
When they had all sat down to eat that night, they had barely looked at one another over the rim of their bowls. Eyes cast downward, they had conversed with everyone else, but each other. It reminded Meagan of the first weeks after she had first lost her heart to him long ago. Then, too, they had barely looked at each other, seeking each other’s presence but fearing to be alone just as much, uncertain of how the other felt, afraid to be disappointed.
Only now, the fear that lived in Meagan’s heart was a thousand times worse. These were not the childish dreams of a young girl. No, what was at risk now was the life she had loved, the life she had thought lost before, and that loss had almost taken her will to live, to go on.
Would she be able to survive again?
With a small bag slung over one shoulder, Meagan led her husband through the tall grass toward her new cottage. A lantern held out before her allowed them to see the ground in front of them, and Meagan was careful to shine it before her husband’s feet so that he would not stumble. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the tension on his face as he carefully placed one foot in front of the other, afraid to lose his balance and fall.
He would be mortified. Meagan knew it to be true, and yet, she could not understand why. After all, was it not natural to have trouble walking after suffering such an injury? Why should anyone be ashamed of that? It was not his fault.
“The cottage is almost finished,” she spoke into the night, trying to take their minds off the tension that hung in the air between them. “In a mere few days, we’ll be able to move back in.”
Barely glancing at her, Edward nodded his head, but did not respond. However, from the way his shoulders tensed, Meagan could tell that he did not approve. Did he truly think her incapable of caring for their children on her own? After all, anyone’s house could have been destroyed in such a storm. It had not been her fault.
Opening the door, Meagan stepped inside the main room, the smell of fresh wood with a hint of sap touching her senses. Grateful that Derek and Sean had spent the afternoon setting up her furniture, she placed the lantern on the sturdy table by the kitchen workbench and unfastened her cloak, hanging it on a peg by the front door and placing her back by the far wall. Then she turned and found her husband standing by the side of the table, his eyes fixed on the small light, the look on his face forlorn.
“Here we are.” Swallowing, Meagan forced herself not to drop her gaze. Who was this stranger who now stood across from her? A chill shot down her spine, and the muscles in her body tensed to prevent them from trembling. Would he guess her thoughts?
There were moments when she felt his presence as though he had his arms wrapped around her, his warmth filling her senses as that familiar cloud of love and devotion brushed over her skin. In these moments, it was as though no time had passed, and all she wanted to do was run into his embrace.
However, when she found herself meeting his eyes, the illusion was instantly stripped from her, and an unknown cold speaking of fear and apprehension reached out its claws for her. There was a darkness in him that had almost extinguished the light that had always shone in his eyes. It was as though the man she had once known did no longer exist. He had died on the battlefield, and the apparition before her was a soulless body.
A stranger.
Which was the truth?
Was there any chance for him to return to her? Or was all hope lost?
Looking at her husband, at his familiar face, from across the room, Meagan realised that although she wanted him back, she would not compromise. If he decided to stay, she would only accept him back if he truly wanted to…with all his heart and soul.
The alternative would break her heart, but at least it would be a quick break, not like a festering wound that would kill her a little more every day. No, she could not allow that to happen. She had her children to think of.
“Ye never intended to stay, did ye?” she finally asked, her voice feeble. Still, she did not blink, clenching her hands, willing more courage into her heart. Never had she cowered. She would not begin now. No matter how terrified she was.
Before he raised his gaze to hers, she could see the muscles in his jaw clench. Then he shook his head, the look in his eyes so full of sadness and pain that Meagan’s heart ached for him.
“Then why did ye return?” she continued, welcoming the strength that surged through her body now that she was finally coming out of her hiding place and taking control.
Edward swallowed. “I needed to know that ye were safe.”
“Are we?”
A slight frown came to his face as he held her gaze. Then he nodded.
Taking a step toward the table, Meagan noticed the slight narrowing of his eyes. “Ye should have known we would be. Did Derek not promise ye he would look after us?” Momentarily overwhelmed by the renewed thought of his loss, Meagan swallowed, pressing her lips together painfully to keep the tears at bay. “He’s a good man. Ye knew he would never have broken his word.”
Dropping his gaze, her husband shrugged.
“Then why did ye come?” Meagan demanded, relieved when the sorrow in her heart slowly subsided and her determination grew stronger. “After all, there was no need. Ye already knew what ye needed to.”
Still, her husband remained quiet, uncomfortably shifting from one foot onto the other.
“Ye thought us married, did ye not?”
At her question, Edward’s head snapped up and he stared at her, his gaze burning with things unsaid.
A smile tugged at the corners of Meagan’s mouth, and she let it show, relieved to see him react in such a way. “Ye were jealous; is that not so?”
Instantly, he dropped his gaze, but the muscles in his jaw tensed to the point of breaking.
As he continued to avoid her, Meagan felt a small flame of anger ignite. How dare he? Had he not promised her one night? And answers? Did he truly think he was holding up his end of the bargain?
Gritting her teeth, she stepped closer, her eyes hard, unyielding. “Since ye do not intend to stay,” she said, “I suppose it would not bother ye if I were to remarry.”
For a moment, she thought he would double over as though someone had punched him in the stomach. A strangled moan rose from his throat, and Meagan felt her heart skip a beat. He did care, didn’t he?
Then he lifted his head and met her eyes, his own dark and full of meaning. “Do as ye wish,” he forced out through clenched teeth.
Disappointed, Meagan swallowed. “Would it bother ye?” she pressed, unwilling to let him sway her from her path. She wanted the truth. She needed the truth.
Pressing his lips together, Edward remained quiet, his gaze locked with hers, his nostrils flaring.
Hands on her hips, she snapped, “Would it?”
“Yes!” he growled, his left hand tightening on his cane.
“Why?”
Gritting his teeth, he shook his head as though to force his answer back down before it could fly from his lips.
“Why?” Meagan pressed, advancing on him. “Why?”
His eyes burnt into hers.
“Why?”
The muscles in hi
s throat convulsed.
“Tell me!” Standing but an arm’s length apart, she stared up at him, fierce determination urging her on. “Why?”
His body shook as his emotions ran rampant.
“Why?”
“Because ye’re mine!” he snarled, the words flying from his lips before he had even made the decision to answer. She could see the shock of it on his face.
Swallowing, he dropped his gaze and took a step back as though ashamed.
Joy flooded Meagan’s heart not only at the words he had spoken but also at the honest emotion that had accompanied them. “Do ye still love me?” she whispered, her gaze softening as she looked at his pale face.
Slowly, he raised his eyes to hers, shock still resting on his features.
“Please, tell me,” she urged him gently. “Do ye still love me?”
After drawing in a slow breath, he swallowed. “Heaven help me, but I do.”
***
Staring at his wife, Edward felt his body begin to tremble with the effort it took him to keep her at arm’s length. She stood so close that he could simply reach out and…
But he must not. It would not be right. It would not be good for her. Not in the long run.
Still, the way she had just attacked him and demanded an answer had only served to remind him of the fire she had always possessed. The fire he had always admired. The fire that had drawn him to her side from the very beginning.
And he still loved her the way he always had.
There was no denying that.
And that knowledge lit up her eyes and painted one of the most beautiful smiles on her face he had ever seen. Edward could have looked at her forever. If only she would have let him.
But, of course, she did not.
Slowly, the relieved joy that had come to her face at his words subsided, once more replaced by the fierce determination she had attacked him with before. Of course, she was not done. Far from it. She would strip him bare and steal all his secrets before the sun rose the next morning.
Cursing himself, Edward drew in a slow breath. He should never have agreed to this. It had been foolish of him.
“If ye do,” she asked, the tone in her voice gentle despite the fierceness that burned in her eyes, “then why do ye intend to leave?”
Edward sighed, knowing that he owed her the truth. “To protect ye,” he forced out through gritted teeth, for although he had told himself so countless times, it was a different matter to say it out loud…and to her of all people. “I’m no longer the man I used to be. I’m no longer good for ye.” Holding her gaze, he willed her to understand…and to let him go. “I’ve changed, deep inside, in a way that…” He shook his head. “I no longer fit into this life. The world around me is dark and cold, and I do not wish ye to be affected by that. Ye deserve better. Ye deserve what I can no longer give ye.”
Nodding, she drew in a deep breath. “I hear what ye’re saying, and I can see the truth of it in your eyes, but I do not agree that all hope is lost.”
Holding his gaze, she took a step closer, and Edward almost shrank back, his eyes wide as he stared at her.
“Your world is cold and dark because ye allow it to be so,” she counselled, her blue eyes dark in the dim light. “Ye’ve nothing to live for, no one to chase away the darkness and warm your heart. Do not push me away for I can help ye.” Reaching out a hand, she placed it on his upper arm. “Please, let me help ye.”
Edward sucked in a sharp breath as he felt her touch through the layers of his clothing, and his skin tingled with the memory of what it felt like with no barrier between them.
As his heart yearned for her with a passion long since ignored, panic seized him, and he jerked back, severing the connection between them. “Ye’re not to help me!” he growled, shaking his head. “I am your husband, and ‘tis my duty to come to your aid, to see ye safe, to protect ye.” As the words left his lips, Edward knew them to be a mistake.
Although clearly disappointed before, Meagan’s eyes now narrowed, once more burning with righteous anger as she stepped toward him. “Do not speak to me thus!” she snapped, pointing an accusing finger at him. “Everyone is weak sometimes, and everyone can be strong.” She swallowed, tears brimming in her eyes, and yet, the fire that burnt within her would not allow her to back down. “When ye left, it changed my life. Suddenly, I was responsible for everything all by myself, and I did what I could because I had to.” She drew in a steadying breath. “Over time, though, I came to realise something: my own strength. It gave me a new insight into my own abilities, and I’m grateful for it.”
Watching her, Edward could see what his rash decision had done to her. Still, she had persevered and was stronger for it. He was certain she could do so again.
“Why do ye think I wish for ye to stay?” she demanded, catching him off guard with her question. “To fix the house? To chop wood?” She shook her head. “I don’t need ye for that. I can do all that by myself, and should I find myself in need of assistance, I have people in my life who will stand with me…no matter what.”
Edward’s shoulders slumped, and all blood drained from his face. Although she had just told him what he had wanted her to understand, to come to realise, her words still knocked the air from his lungs. She did not need him.
Inhaling deeply, she took another step closer, her gaze seeking his. “I don’t need ye to stay,” she whispered, and his heart broke into a thousand little pieces, “not for that.” Her hands reached for him, slowly running up his arms, as her eyes held his.
Edward swallowed, thoroughly confused as his body warmed under her touch.
“I don’t need ye to stay,” she repeated as her hands came to rest on his shoulders. “But I want ye to stay.”
Staring at her, Edward felt a frown drawing down his brows.
Seeing his confusion, his wife rolled her eyes, then grabbed him by the collar and yanked him against her, almost upending his balance. “What a daft fool ye are, Edward Dunning! Can ye not see that I love ye as well? That I’ve always loved ye and always will?” Her jaw clenched as she glared at him. “And I’ll be damned if I allow ye to break my heart all over again.”
Chapter Eleven − The Reason Within
Seeing her husband stare at her, dumbfounded at her words as though he had truly believed her love for him gone for good, Meagan detected a faint glimmer of the man she had once known. In shock, his guard had fallen away, and the eyes that held hers shone with the same hope and dreams as they had long ago. His body relaxed, and she could feel his chest rise and fall with each breath. His gaze held hers for a long time, and then−as he had done countless times in another life−his arms came around her, pulling her closer.
Meagan sighed at the feel of his embrace, so shockingly familiar that it stole the breath from her throat. How often had she grasped at this feeling in her dreams? Only to have it fall short of the reality of her husband’s touch, knowing that the memory alone would never be enough?
“Meagan,” he whispered a moment before his cane clattered to the floor and his arms pulled her hard against him. Then his mouth claimed hers with a desperate fierceness she knew only too well, wiping away three years of separation.
Three years without the other’s touch.
Three years without the magic of those three little words.
It had been too long.
Crushed in his embrace, Meagan allowed herself to live in the moment. Abandoning all fears and doubts, she returned his kiss, reacquainting herself with her husband’s touch, the taste of his lips, the feel of his body.
He, too, seemed driven as though mad, fiercely clutching her to him as though she might disappear if he loosened his hold on her for the barest of moments. His lips devoured hers, reclaimed her as his. Because ye’re mine! He had growled, and she could only hope he meant it.
But he did not.
The moment her arms encircled his neck, tightening her hold on him, he broke the kiss, staring down at her as though he did
not recognise her. Swallowing, he released her, stumbling backwards, almost losing his footing.
Meagan’s heart began to ache anew, and she cursed herself for entertaining such foolish hope. Still, she could not walk away even if it meant risking her heart all over again.
“I apologise,” her husband stammered, his gaze not meeting hers, but glancing around the floor until it fell on the cane. Then he bent down awkwardly, his face contorted and his cheeks flushing red, to pick it up. As he straightened, he took another step back, away from her. “I’m not the man I used to be,” he mumbled, unable to meet her eyes, but instead glancing at the door.
Did he truly intend to run from her? Kiss her and leave?
“No matter what we say,” he continued, glancing down at his injured leg, “nothing can change what happened. No good can come from pretending that I am still the man ye once knew. I’ll only hurt ye, and I’ve already done so. I could not live with myself if I did so again.”
Fortifying herself with another deep breath, Meagan stood up straight, her eyes seeking his, unwilling to allow him to escape. “And ye don’t think that I have changed? That everything that has happened in the past years has made me a woman different from the one ye knew?”
Carefully meeting her gaze, Edward swallowed, indecision and a fair amount of temptation clear in his eyes.
Encouraged, Meagan forged on. “We’ve all changed. We cannot undo that, but maybe we don’t need to. People change all the time. As life moves, so do we.”
Shaking his head, her husband glanced down at his leg. “That is not the same. I haven’t merely changed. I’ve become a burden. Ye would not want…that.”
Watching him, Meagan wondered about the slight hesitation as he spoke. Had he truly meant to say what he had? Or had he meant to say that she would not want him? Did he doubt her love for him? Did he truly believe that a mere injury could ever dissuade it?
With her hands on her hips, ready to attack his reasoning with everything she had, Meagan stepped toward him. “Tell me this, would it bother ye if I had a leg like yours?” His head snapped up, his eyes wide as they met hers. “Would ye no longer want me? Love me?”