‘You are pregnant, aren’t you? The T-shirts and jumpers are just to hide the fact that your pregnancy is beginning to show.’
‘No, they’re not. I’m only wearing them because . . . because . . .’ And like a moron, I burst into tears, burying my head in my hands.
Minnie was immediately at my side, her arm around my shoulders.
‘Oh, Sephy, you idiot! Why didn’t you just come right out and say so? I could’ve helped you. We all could’ve helped you. Why d’you always insist on doing everything the hard way?’
‘Minnie, I don’t know what to do,’ I sniffed. ‘I’ve thought and thought and there’s no way out.’
‘Ignoring your growing stomach isn’t going to alter the fact that you’re pregnant,’ Minnie said, exasperated. ‘What were you thinking?’
‘It’s all right for you. You’re not the one who’s pregnant. I am,’ I said angrily.
‘You’re going to have to tell Mother . . .’
I pulled away from Minnie and stared at her. ‘Have you lost your mind?’
‘Sephy, sooner or later she’s going to find out for herself. Even if you manage to hide your entire pregnancy, how d’you expect to hide a baby?’
‘I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.’
‘Well, you’d better start.’
‘Minnie, promise me you won’t say a word to anyone,’ I begged.
‘But Sephy . . .’
‘Please. Promise me. I’ll tell Mother but it has to be in my own time and in my own way. OK?’
‘OK, I promise. But don’t leave it much longer or I may change my mind.’
I nodded gratefully. I’d bought myself a few more days, possibly a few more weeks.
‘D’you want to talk about what happened with the kidnappers?’
I shook my head.
‘I take it the father is one of your kidnappers?’
I didn’t answer.
Minnie stood up. ‘Well, just remember, if you do want to talk, my bedroom is right next door to yours. OK?’
‘OK.’
The moment Minnie left my room, I flung myself down on my bed, weeping like I’d only just discovered how to do it. All my plans had turned to ashes and dust. All my dreams and schemes for the future had turned into . . . a baby.
one hundred and eight.
Callum
‘What about you, Callum? What would you do with all the money in the world?’
Gordy must’ve seen from my face what I thought of the question.
‘Oh, come on. It’s just a bit a fun,’ Gordy teased.
Four months had passed since . . . since the kidnapping. I was working as a car mechanic three hundred kilometres away from home in a place called Sturham. The December afternoon was already getting dark. The heating in the garage was supposedly turned right up, but it was still chilly, and the work was mind-numbingly boring but I was glad of it. It stopped me from brooding all day, every day. And the guys I worked with weren’t bad. Gordy was a nought who’d worked as a car mechanic since he was thirteen. He was now fifty-seven and he was still a car mechanic. Nothing had changed for him. Tomorrow was going to be the same as yesterday as far as he was concerned. He was just punching time until he died. I looked at him and saw my uncles and Old Man Tony and even my dad – until Lynette had died. I looked at him and was so afraid I was seeing myself in ten, twenty, thirty years time.
Rob was a couple of years older than me. He was a talker. He was going to change the world by using the only means at his disposal, by grumbling about it. I’d only been working here for three weeks and already I’d had to hide my fists behind my back and go and sit in the toilets for a good ten minutes to stop myself from swinging for him. He drove me nuts.
‘Well? Don’t you have any dreams – or are you too good to share them with the likes of us?’ Gordy teased.
I forced myself to smile. ‘I don’t like to dwell on what I’ll never have,’ I shrugged.
‘You never know,’ Rob said, inanely.
‘So what would you do?’ Gordy urged.
‘Build a rocket and leave this planet. Live on the moon or some place else. Any place else,’ I answered.
‘If you had all the money in the world, you wouldn’t have to live on the moon. You could do whatever you liked right here,’ said Rob.
‘D’you know what they call a nought with all the money in the world?’ I asked.
Rob and Gordy shook their heads.
‘A blanker,’ I told them.
They didn’t laugh. They weren’t supposed to.
‘Things would change if we had a ton of money,’ Rob tried to tell me.
I tried – and failed – to keep the pitying look off my face. ‘It takes more than money, Rob. It takes determination and sacrifice and . . . and . . .’
Rob and Gordy were both looking at me like I’d lost my mind. I shut up.
‘Just ignore me,’ I told them ruefully.
‘We’ll have to call you the deep one,’ Gordy said. ‘Or better yet, the profound one.’
‘Don’t you dare,’ I warned him.
‘We will come to you for spiritual guidance!’ Gordy bowed low, his hands together as if in prayer. ‘Oh, profound one, share your mystical insights with us. Enlighten us . . .’
‘If you three can’t be bothered to get on with your work, there are hundreds of others out there who’d be only too happy to take your jobs,’ Snakeskin emerged from his office to holler at us.
Without a word we got back to work, waiting until Snakeskin had slammed his way back into his office before adopting our previous positions.
‘What a horse’s ass!’ Rob sniffed.
‘There’s a lot of it about,’ I said.
‘Amen to that,’ Gordy agreed.
‘What I want to know is, how does . .?’ Rob began.
‘Shush! Shush!’ I hissed at him. I moved over to the workbench to turn up the volume on the radio. Something on the news had caught my attention.
‘. . . has refused to confirm or deny that Persephone Mira Hadley, his daughter, is pregnant, and that this is the result of her ordeal a few months ago at the hands of her kidnappers. We can only speculate as to what this poor girl has been subjected to at the hands of the nought men who abducted her. Persephone herself has so far refused to speak of her two terrifying days in captivity, the memories being obviously too painful, too shocking . . .’
‘Hey!’ Gordy was staring at me and I had no idea why, until I saw the radio lying on the floor, smashed to smithereens where I’d thrown it against the wall.
‘I’ve got to get out of here.’ I headed for the exit.
‘Er . . . Callum, where d’you think you’re going?’ Snakeskin called after me.
‘I’ve got to leave.’
‘Oh no you don’t.’
‘Watch me!’
‘If you go out that door, don’t bother to come back.’ I carried on walking.
one hundred and nine.
Sephy
Mother sat down beside me in the family room. Dad paced up and down in front of me. I turned to glare at Minnie.
‘So much for your promises,’ I said bitterly.
At least she had the grace to be embarrassed and look away, unable to meet my stare. I should’ve known she wouldn’t be able to keep her mouth shut. Some secrets are obviously too juicy to keep. And no doubt this was her chance to get back at me for all those years of ‘Minnie’ instead of ‘Minerva’. As well as telling Mother and Dad, she’d probably told one person, who’d told someone else, who’d told someone else and before you knew it, it was the world’s best-kept shared secret. It was inevitably only a matter of time before the press found out. Maybe that’s what Minnie wanted all along. Whatever else happened, I’d never forgive her for this, never if I lived to be five hundred.
‘What we have to do,’ Dad began, ‘is deal with this situation as quickly and discreetly as possible.’
‘It’s for the best, darling,’ Mother took one o
f my hands in hers and patted it gently.
‘We’ve already booked you into a clinic for tomorrow morning,’ said Dad. ‘By tomorrow evening it will all be over. You won’t be pregnant any more and we can all put this whole thing behind us.’
‘I know it’s hard, love, but it’s definitely for the best,’ Mother agreed.
‘You want me to have an abortion?’ I asked.
‘Well, you don’t want to keep it, do you?’ Mother said, puzzlement in her voice. ‘A child of your kidnapper? The bastard child of a raping blanker?’
‘Of course she doesn’t,’ Dad said brusquely. He turned to me. ‘You should’ve told us, princess. You should’ve told us what they did to you. We could’ve sorted all this out so much sooner and avoided all this press speculation.’
‘I’ll take you to the clinic myself,’ said Mother, trying to dredge up a smile from nowhere.
‘We’ll both go,’ said Dad. ‘This time tomorrow, it will all be over.’
‘Leave everything to us,’ said Mum.
‘You can hardly be expected to make decisions for yourself or even think straight at a time like this,’ Dad said.
Mother and Dad – together at last. Reunited. Acting, moving, thinking as one. And I’d done that. I couldn’t help but wonder. The thoughts going through my head, were they the result of straight thinking or crooked thinking? How could I tell which was which?
‘We’re all behind you on this, love,’ said Dad. ‘And once it’s over we’ll all go away somewhere on a holiday. You can put it behind you and get on with the rest of your life. We all can.’
Put it behind me . . . Is that what he thought? A quick operation and just like that, my baby would be gone and forgotten? Looking at Dad was like looking at a stranger. He didn’t know me at all. And I couldn’t even feel sad about it.
‘I’m not going to the clinic tomorrow,’ I said softly.
‘You won’t be alone. We’ll be with you . . .’
‘You’ll be on your own then, because I’m not going.’
‘Pardon?’ Dad stared at me.
I stood up to face him directly.
‘I’m going to keep my baby.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Dad wasn’t shouting. He was merely incredulous. He didn’t believe I meant it.
‘I’m going to keep my baby,’ I repeated.
‘No, you are not.’
‘It’s my body and my baby, and I’m keeping it.’
‘Persephone, be reasonable. You’re not being sensible. You’re only just eighteen. How can you keep the baby? Everyone will know how it was conceived. You’ll be pointed at and scorned and pitied. Is that what you want?’
He really didn’t know me at all.
‘I’m keeping it.’
‘You’ll change your mind tomorrow,’ Dad decided.
‘No, I won’t,’ I told him. ‘I’m keeping it.’
one hundred and ten.
Callum
All the way down to the coast, I phoned Sephy’s house using our signal from years ago. I had no idea if she was at the house by the coast or even if she heard my signals but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I had to see her. I had to know.
It took me a whole day to get back to our home town and then I had to wait until nightfall to sneak up from the coastal cave to the rose garden outside her bedroom window. It was the longest, hardest wait I’ve ever had to endure. I was so close to her, just a couple of kilometres but she might not be there or she might not want to talk to me. A world of doubts and fears stretched between us. And planning to go to her house had to be one of the stupidest things I’d ever attempted. And yet I wasn’t even close to reconsidering my actions.
I had to see her.
I was going to see her.
one hundred and eleven.
Sephy
He’s out there. I don’t have to see him to know he’s out there. He’s down there in the rose garden, just below my window. I can sense it. I can sense him. My whole body is tingling and my mouth is dry and my stomach keeps flipping over like a pancake. What should I do? What will I do if he says the same as Mother and Dad?
Go and see him, Sephy. You owe yourself that much. You owe him that much.
Go and see him.
one hundred and twelve.
Callum
The entire rose garden was now under glass in what had to be the biggest greenhouse I’d ever seen. I’d snuck into it past the guard, only to be knocked back by the overpowering scent of the roses. They’d grown since the last time I was here – a lifetime ago. The arches and trestle woodwork were now completely covered with rose stems and thorns and flowers. It was hard to make out all the colours in the dark. Each flower melted into the next and the next.
Was she up at the house now?
Would she come?
‘Callum?’ The merest whisper behind me but it was enough. I spun around, my heart racing, my palms sweating. She stood less than a metre away. How had she managed to get so close without me hearing her? My mind had been pre-occupied, remembering . . . But seeing her again was like . . . was like a lightning bolt hitting my heart. She was wearing a dark-coloured dress, burgundy or maybe blue. It was hard to tell. And her hair was shorter. But her eyes were the same as they always were.
I opened my mouth to speak but the words wouldn’t come. Instead I gaped pathetically like a drowning fish.
‘You shouldn’t’ve come here,’ Sephy whispered, her gaze never moving from my face. ‘It isn’t safe.’
‘I had to,’ Was that really my voice, so hoarse and strange? ‘I had to.’ I tried again. ‘Is it true?’
‘Yes.’
We watched each other. And then she stepped forward and put her arms around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder. I immediately pulled her closer. She was having a baby. Our baby. I could hardly breathe for the wonder of it. I placed a finger under her chin to raise her head, and I kissed her. She hugged me tighter, returning my kiss, our tongues dancing together. And in that moment, the ice inside me shattered into a trillion pieces. We shared a world of hope and regret and pleasure and pain in that one kiss, until we were both breathless and dizzy. I moved away slightly to rest my hands on her abdomen. Her hands covered mine. Her stomach was only sightly rounded but the moment I touched her, a frisson of electricity passed right through me. Like my child inside her was trying to connect with me somehow. She was carrying our child. I looked into Sephy’s face but I could hardly see her for the tears in my eyes.
‘If it’s a boy, I’m going to call him Ryan after your dad.’
‘If it’s a girl, call her . . . call her Rose,’ I said, looking around.
‘Callie Rose.’
‘Hell, no!’
‘Hell, yes!’
We both started to laugh. It felt so strange. Unusual. Peculiar. One look at her face and I knew Sephy wasn’t going to give in on this. ‘OK. Callie Rose, it is.’
Sephy moved to hold me once more. ‘I thought I’d never see you again.’
‘Sephy . . .’ I had to ask. ‘A-about that night . . .’
‘Yes?’
‘Why did you cry?’
Sephy stepped away from me, her gaze dropping. ‘Don’t ask me that.’
‘Did I hurt you? If I did, I’m sorry. I . . .’
‘Of course you didn’t. You know you didn’t.’
‘Then why?’
At first I thought she wasn’t going to answer, but then she looked straight at me and I held my breath as she began to speak. ‘When we made love, I knew I loved you. That I always have and that I always will. But I also realized what you’d been trying to tell me all these years. You’re a Nought and I’m a Cross and there’s nowhere for us to be, nowhere for us to go where we’d be left in peace. Even if we had gone away together when I wanted us to, we would’ve been together for a year, maybe two. But sooner or later, other people would’ve found a way to wedge us apart. That’s why I started crying. That’s why I couldn’t stop. For all the things we
might’ve had and all the things we’re never going to have.’
‘I understand.’ And I did. I’d been hurting inside over the same thing for most of my life.
‘When you said . . .’ Sephy paused, looking embarrassed. ‘When you said you loved me . . . Did you mean it? I don’t mind if you didn’t . . .’ She rushed on. ‘Well, I do but . . . I mean . . .’
I held out my hands and she put hers in mine, looking at me ruefully. Love was like an avalanche, with Sephy and I hand-in-hand racing like hell to get out of its way – only, instead of running away from it, we kept running straight towards it.
‘Let’s get out of here,’ I smiled. ‘Let’s go away. We can be together, even if it’s just for a little while, we could tr . . .’
Light after light after light clicked on around us, dazzling and blinding.
‘Callum, run. RUN!’
I put one hand up to my eyes but I couldn’t see. And then something hit my head and I was knocked to the ground and all the lights in the world went out.
one hundred and thirteen.
Sephy
‘I thought one of the kidnappers might try again, or maybe try to get to you so that you wouldn’t be able to identify them, so I had extra security installed throughout the premises when you were in hospital.’
‘You’ve got the wrong man,’ I screamed at him again. ‘Why won’t you listen to me. Callum hasn’t done anything wrong.’
No-one was listening to me. I’d screamed at the police to let him go as they carried Callum away, but they’d ignored me. I’d tried to hold on to Callum, to pull him back but Dad had dragged me inside the house with an angry demand that I stop making such a spectacle of myself.
‘Callum hasn’t done anything. We were just talking,’ I lowered my voice. Maybe if I stopped shouting, he’d listen to me . . .
‘You’re lying,’ Dad replied at once. ‘I know for a fact that Callum McGregor was one of your kidnappers.’