Her eyes grew watery, and for some reason, it relieved me. It reassured me to know she was hearing me, that my words were giving her something.
Then she began to speak. “Phil visited me. He told me about what you were like before he brought you to Dublin.” Her voice was heavy and full of emotion. The tears in her eyes told me she was on the verge of crying, but she held it back.
This was news to me, but it wasn’t surprising. Phil had always been the type to meddle. I rubbed my thumb along the inside of her wrist, and she bit her lip. “He told you that? When?”
“About two days ago. He came to my apartment, trying to play Cupid, and urged me to go talk to you because you'd lost your spark, as he put it.”
Oh, he certainly was an interfering little shit. I’d be having words with him about this, because I was angry that he’d told Fred about my messy days of depression before he came and saved me. The problem was, I knew his intentions were good, so it was hard to stay angry.
“I'm sorry he bothered you like that. I promise I didn't send him with a sob story to try and win you over. I didn't want you to ever know about any of that.”
“So it's true, then, what Phil said?” she asked.
“Yeah. Phil's rescued me from shit situations my whole life, and I've returned the favour for him a few times, too.”
Definitely not enough times, though, especially considering what a difficult fucker I could be when I was drinking.
Fred took a deep breath before speaking. “I understand why you get down. But don't you think that maybe if you allowed yourself to be with someone, then you wouldn't be so sad anymore? Human beings aren't designed to be alone. And I know that you're hardly alone when you're performing for clubs full of people every night, but sometimes you can be in a room packed with others and still feel absolutely isolated.”
The truth and depth of understanding in her words took my breath away.
“I know that now, Freda. That's what I've come to understand. These past weeks without you have been the worst of my life. Even worse than when I'd been a comatose drunk. I'm not going to ask if you'll take me back, because we were hardly together long enough to properly define what we were. But if you could just find it in yourself to give me another chance, I promise I won't let you down again. If you think you can't forgive me enough to be with me the way we were in Edinburgh, then please consider just being my friend again. My life is shit without you in it.”
She drew in a long, shaky breath, chewing on her lower lip.
“You seriously fucking hurt me, Nicholas.” Tears she was trying to hold in laced her words. She sat back and pulled her hand out of mine. My heart sank, thinking this was it. She was going to push me away for good, despite our heart-to-heart. I felt like grabbing on to her and never letting go. Instead, I brought my hand to her cheek, caressed her skin, and told her honestly, “God, I know I did, and I hate myself for it.”
She stared at me, golden eyes full of emotion, and a silence fell between us. She was holding my heart in her hands, and she didn’t even realise it. Abruptly, I tried to prevent her from destroying me so soon. I didn’t want to hear that she didn’t want me anymore. Not yet.
“Listen. You don't have to give me an answer right now. I'll go away, and you can think on it. Come to me when you know what you want.”
My words were hurried and desperate. She gave me a look and nodded in agreement, but didn’t say anything. I took that as my cue to leave, picked up my long-forgotten food, and went.
August 31st – September 1st, 2012.
Soundtrack: “One Day Like This” by Elbow
After I left Fred, I wandered aimlessly about the festival for a while, chatted with a couple who happened to be from New Zealand, and then went back to my tent to sleep. It was early, but I wasn’t feeling much in the mood for company, especially since I was trying to stay sober in what was basically a field full of drunk people.
And how I was feeling was dangerous, because I was missing Fred, and loneliness often led me straight to a bottle.
It was later in the night that I woke up, having heard voices coming from outside. Pulling on my boots and jeans, I stuck my head out of my tent to find Fred sitting on the grass, her head in her hands.
“Fred, are you okay?” I called to her, and she quickly turned around.
She let out a long, frustrated sigh. “I'm fine, except for the fact that Anny is shagging somebody in our tent when I told her not to. What are you doing here? Didn't you go with Nora and the others to listen to some music?”
Giving her a sheepish look, I replied, “I wasn't really in the mood. I'll go see some bands tomorrow, though. Where have you been?”
“Harry and Sean took me to do yoga. It was actually kind of fun.”
I smiled then, thinking I’d definitely like to watch her doing yoga poses.
“Now, that's something I regret missing,” I told her, my voice a low rumble.
I glanced over her head, grinning, because Anny was being very loud now. The reminder of what was going on in her tent only seemed to sour Fred’s mood further. In fact, she sounded upset, which quickly wiped the grin from my face. I didn’t like it that Fred was distressed.
“Jesus, I can't believe all my things are in there. Thank God everything's zipped up and I didn't take out my sleeping bag yet. I guess I'll just have to wait until they're finished.”
“She shouldn't be leaving you with nowhere to go like this. It isn't right,” I said, jaw tight.
“Anny doesn't exactly think with her brain all too often. She's more inclined to go where her knickers tell her. I've only got myself to blame for organising to share with her anyway.”
I was impulsive when I said, “Come and stay with me for the night.” I wondered if she could see how my gaze burned into her in the dark.
“Nicholas, I can't....”
“I don't mean like that. I just mean to sleep. I've got the biggest tent out of all of us, and there's only me in it. I've got more than enough room.”
She looked at my tent then, and I could tell that the fight had gone out of her. She seemed tired.
Somewhat reluctantly, she gave in. “Okay, then, but I haven't got any of my things.”
“I'll go and get them,” I offered quickly, and moved toward the sex tent. Fred hurried to stop me, grabbing hold of my arm.
“You can't go in there, they're still —”
I gave her a smirk. “I don't care what they're doing, Freda. I'm getting your bags for you. Now go get in my tent. I'll be back in a minute.”
With a look of defeat, she did as I asked and turned away. When I quickly unzipped the tent Anny was in, I had to hold in my surprise when I encountered a ménage a trois. She was getting fucked by Colm while Eric fondled her breasts and wanked himself off. I could have done without seeing all that, but I was happy to take the bullet, glad Fred hadn’t had to deal with it. Anny yelped when she saw me, but the boys didn’t stop what they were doing.
I gave her a wink and grinned. “Don’t mind me, my dear.”
Her eyes glazed over again as she lost herself to the pleasure. Then she brazenly grabbed onto my arm when I went to pick up Fred’s things.
“Stay,” she murmured past a moan. I’m sure she thought it was very erotic, but it did nothing for me. I shook my head at her and swiftly made my exit. What I wanted certainly wasn’t in here; it was on the other side of the campsite.
When I crawled back inside my tent, Fred seemed antsy. I noticed one of my T-shirts was sticking half out of my bag, and I didn’t remember it being there previously. It made me curious, wondering if she’d been looking through my things, but I quickly brushed away the thought. I was still trying not to laugh and/or cringe at what had just transpired in the other tent.
“What? What happened?” Fred asked, seeing something in my expression.
I zipped my fingers over my lips and shook my head. I didn’t want to cause any trouble between Fred and Anny, and despite the fact that Fred and I we
ren’t together, I didn’t think she’d be pleased to hear that Anny had tried to invite me into her threesome. I set her things down beside her and then started the process of removing my boots and jeans. Fred still wanted to know what had happened, though.
“Nicholas! You can't just not tell me. It isn't fair. Now I'm dying to know.”
I climbed inside my sleeping bag in my shorts and T-shirt before turning to her, holding myself up on my elbow. Giving her an amused look, I finally said, “She has two guys in there with her, Colm and Eric.”
Her eyes widened, and her hand instantly went to her mouth in shock. “Oh, my God. This is a new extreme for her.” She paused, then gave me a curious look. “I knew something was up. She was making an awful lot of noise. What were they doing?”
“I'll leave that to your imagination, I think.”
“Fine, I guess I don't really want to know anyway,” she grumbled, and went about getting ready for sleep. I watched her all the while. Everything inside me was thrilled to be this close to her, to be spending time with her. She narrowed her gaze at me when she saw I was still looking.
“Turn around for a minute, would you?”
I gave her a long, heated stare, purposefully sucked on my bottom lip, then finally turned around. I couldn’t help it when I turned back before she had finished changing, managing to catch a glimpse of her bra and her soft stomach before she pulled a T-shirt on over her head. When she glanced up and saw me looking, her expression hardened.
“What are you doing?!”
“I thought you were finished,” I lied, unable to hold back a smirk.
“I would have told you if I was finished,” she complained, rolling out her sleeping bag, her posture rigid. I felt like giving her a massage to ease some of the tension.
“It's not anything I haven't seen before,” I told her tenderly.
“That's not the point.”
I leaned forward a little and murmured, “Do you want to know what my favourite part of your body is?”
I saw her swallow before she rolled her eyes and gestured to her chest. “I'll take a wild guess, shall I?”
I grinned. “Nope, though they are a close second.”
“Go on then, enlighten me,” she said, pretending to be bored. If the goose bumps on her arms were anything to go by, she definitely wasn’t bored.
Feeling brave, I brought my hand to the lower part of her belly and stroked downward. “This part. It's all round and soft. I'd love to fall asleep right here.”
She inhaled sharply, her eyes glued to my hand. By the way her pupils had dilated, I could tell she liked me touching her…she just didn’t want to like it.
“Good to know. You can move your hand now,” she said throatily.
I did move my hand then, but not before I caressed the bit of skin peeking out of the end of her T-shirt with my thumb. I watched intently as she dragged her lip between her teeth on a harsh breath. When I pulled away, she lay down in her sleeping bag and closed her eyes. She tossed and turned restlessly for a while, so I knew she hadn’t yet fallen asleep.
I couldn’t help but whisper to her, “Those two nights we spent together in Edinburgh were the best of my life. I've never been with a woman that intensely before. It feels like forever since I was last inside you.”
“Let's just go to sleep, Nicholas. I'm exhausted,” she replied, but her voice was strained and low, and I could tell that she was turned on by the memory.
“I'm not sure if I can sleep with you right over there.”
“You're going to have to try.” She turned her back to me, and I knew the conversation was over.
I sighed. “All right, sweet dreams, Freda.”
***
The next morning, after breakfast, I managed to convince Fred to spend the day with me. This weekend would be over before I knew it, and I didn’t want to waste a single moment. We hung out with the others for a while and watched some of the bands. Every chance I got I was touching her in some subtle way, trying to knock down her walls little by little.
After a while we broke off from the others. We didn’t broach the subject of our relationship much, but it was nice to just have alone time with her. That night she slept in my tent again, and I wasn’t complaining. I didn’t think she wanted to go near the tent she was supposed to be sharing with Anny after what went down the previous night.
The following day, I felt like Fred had warmed up to me substantially. Gone was the wall I’d encountered before. Now we laughed and joked around, and when I flirted with her, she actually flirted back a little. My heart felt like it was being warmed by a lazy afternoon sun.
I knew that one of my favourite bands, Elbow, was going to be playing that day, and I made sure that we were at the main stage for the performance. I’d been planning something special for Fred, and I hoped it would have the effect I intended. I had my fingers crossed they’d play the song I needed them to play, the one that reminded me so much of Fred and me.
I stood behind her as the music washed over us, sliding my arms around her waist and moving our bodies slowly to the beat. She allowed the contact, and I revelled in the fact that she wasn’t shutting me out anymore.
Sure enough, they began to play our song, “One Day Like This,” and nervous excitement ran through me. My chin rested on her shoulder, and I pressed my cheek to hers. After a moment, I turned her body in my arms so she was facing me, and she allowed me to do so, looking up at me with wide eyes. Her gaze was so full of emotion, so full of feeling, and I wanted to give her all of that and more in return, so I began to sing along to the lyrics. My voice was quiet and tender, but since we were so close, I knew she could hear me.
I pulled her body tight to mine, so tight that I thought we might meld together, and she seemed to welcome the closeness. My mouth was almost brushing against her skin as I sang low and soft into her ear. A shudder went through her as she listened, and I knew that she knew. She knew that the lyrics I sang were coming from deep within me. Another man might have written them for another woman, but for this moment in time, I claimed them as my own. I pulled back a little so I could look into Fred’s eyes, and Mum’s words rang in my ears from all those years ago.
You want them to be able to see you, especially your eyes. The eyes are the most important feature when trying to convey a feeling.
I fervently hoped that Fred could see the feeling in mine, because I was fit to burst with the love I felt for her, and I didn’t just want to tell her in words, I wanted her to feel it with all of her heart that she owned me. I saw her eyes grow watery, and I knew then that she was feeling it. Her arms went around my neck, pulling me close, gripping me tight.
And then I finally told her what I should have told her weeks ago back in that hotel room.
“I love you, Freda. It feels like nobody in the history of the world has loved another person as much as I love you. I love you so much it hurts. You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me burn.”
She sniffled, and there were tears running down her pretty cheeks. Bringing her hands up to her face, she wiped the tears away before whispering, “I love you, too. I want you, need you.”
No sooner had she said the words than she brought her mouth to mine, kissing me hard. My mouth opened, and I slipped my tongue past her lips, tasting her. The thousands of people around us were completely oblivious to the fact that we were experiencing the most meaningful, life-changing moment. I had never felt so…complete. Whole. Together.
Our kiss grew frenzied, and soon her body was straining against me, needy, desperate for more. My hands were all over her, grasping for anything and everything. Breathlessly, I broke the kiss and beamed down at her, my hands cupping her face.
“This feels right. So perfectly right.”
She trembled. “It does, doesn't it?”
I felt the need to reassure her that what happened back in Edinburgh would never happen again, so I began to ramble, “I belong to you. I've belonged to you since the beginning, since
before I even knew that I did. I'll never hurt you again. I'd rather die than to hurt you.”
My words were cut off when she kissed me again, and then we were hurrying to get back to our tent, desperate to be alone. I opened up my sleeping bag and laid it out over the floor for us to lie on. I took my time with her, kissing her softly in all of my favourite places before I couldn’t hold back any longer. I had to feel her skin against mine.
I took out my phone and turned on the torch function, lighting up the small space. When I looked at her, her beauty was too much. She practically glowed.
“It's too dark in here. I have to be able to see you,” I rasped, and then took her mouth, my tongue sliding past the seam of her lips. Pushing her long dress up to her waist, I ran my hand up and down her thigh, then cupped her hard between the legs.
She gasped. “More.”
I smiled at her demand. “More what, baby?” I didn’t make her wait, though. I couldn’t, because I was so completely desperate to feel her. My hand pushed aside her underwear, my fingers slipping over her wet, welcoming core.
“Yes. Like that,” she urged me.
I shot into action, stripping her out of her dress and burying my face in her breasts, licking and nibbling. “I missed these,” I murmured.
I’d never been so happy about breasts in my life, and let me tell you, some of my happiest memories involved a pair of mammary glands. We grasped and fumbled for each other, helping one another out of our clothes. I planted kisses from her ribs to her abdomen, savouring every part of her. The past few weeks, I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to do this again. I was in heaven. If there was a higher plane for me, it would be sinking myself inside Freda. Right then, her body was my church.