11.
Either the mummified cat had worked or the witches had lost interest in chasing Milton and Carrie. The drive back to Occultivated was completely uneventful. However they arrived back at Milton’s house to discover that Dan had eaten all the biscuits.
“Hmm,” said Dan “as they entered the room.”
“I wonder what took you so long,” Dan said with implied disapproval.
Milton glared at him. Carrie giggled.
“Nothing of the sort,” she said, “We have had quite the exciting escapade.”
Milton related the story of the pig to Dan.
“If only Gary had been there with a camera, I really don’t think we can tackle this on our own. We need government assistance.”
Milton shrugged.
“The main thing now is to see if we can get that death curse removed from Saul.”
“What’s the plan?”
“Well…”
Carrie put the thick volume down on the table and explained about summoning the familiar to Dan.
“Sort of like on Silence of the Lambs?” Dan asked, “I can’t see Ruth Bellows screaming put my fucking precious in the basket.”
“It’s just something to bargain with,” said Milton.
“Plus, the two sisters are incorporeal: they can manifest themselves but they don’t have a physical presence to speak of. Why would they have familiars?”
“All witches have familiars” Carrie replied.
“Witches have familiars to guide them to the spirit world, our witches are already there.”
“Then what?” Milton demanded.
“I have a cure to the curse; all you need is a copy of the summoning spell in its original runes and the F rune written in the intended victim’s blood. You throw it in the air and the deal is off.”
“Where are you getting this information?”
“It’s in Karswell, for some reason it’s in the section about harmless spells for mischief.”
“The practical joke section?” Carrie marvelled.
“Indeed, his recommendation was to cast the death spell on a friend and not tell him you’d cancelled it. Hilarious.”
“Ok,” said Carrie, “now all we have to do is get hold of Saul’s blood. So we can either explain to him that he’s been cursed and we need him to prick his finger which, I wouldn’t go for. Or we can commit a major assault, hold him down and cut him.”
“Brilliant” said Milton.
“Or, we can let him die,” said Dan “that’s what I’m voting for.”
“Come on,” said Carrie “let’s go see if we can persuade him.”
“Ok,” said Dan, “but you might want to talk to his brother first – he’s feeling guilty about the attempted rape. I’m sure you could get him to collect his brother’s blood.”
Milton stared at Dan.
“Where is all this coming from?”
“What?”
“You know? This competence?”
Dan flushed.
“I’m only trying to help.”
12.
The room was woozy, Gary was sure of it. He could detect no sense of physical or emotional ailment within himself, just an emptiness of heavy apathy. Therefore he had good cause to believe that it was the room itself that felt sick and not him. He was stroking Alison’s shoulder and staring at the back of her head. An unwelcome voice popped into his head, “what’s so civil about war anyway?” it asked. Gary shuddered.
Alison began to stir; Gary felt a spark of panic as if he should be doing something.
“Are you OK?”
“Not really, I don’t want to keep on living in a place where things like this happen.” Gary shook his head.
“I’ve lived here all my life; it’s the first time anything like this has ever happened.”
“But it will keep happening as long as I live here.”
Gary sighed.
“Look, I’ve taken care of it. It won’t happen again.”
“How can you say that? I mean, how can you be sure?”
“Trust me, after tomorrow Saul will never bother you again.” Alison sat up.
“How many times have you said that? I’ll take care of it, I’ll take care of it but you never do, it stops for a few days or a week and then it’s back again. It will be worse once you start your new job.”
“It won’t be, I promise – I have taken care of it.”
“But what does that mean?”
Gary was not at all sure that he wanted to explain what he had done to Alison, now that it came to saying it aloud his actions seemed a little disproportionate to Saul’s. He fidgeted whilst he tried to think of a better explanation but the truth already seemed implausible enough without embellishing it.
“You remember that death curse someone put on Milton?”
Alison nodded.
“Well, I transferred it on to Saul.”
“Are you kidding?”
Alison smiled a little.
“No, I gave it right to him.”
“That’s your idea of taking care of him trying to rape me? You gave him a piece of paper? Jesus Christ Gary! When the fuck are you going to grow up?”
“It’s for real.”
“Well then, that makes you a murderer doesn’t it?”
“But I…”
“Well doesn’t it?”
“I suppose it might not work.”
“You’re fucking useless Gary, I’m moving to Leeds. You have two months to sort your life out, then I’m going back home to New Zealand.”
Gary looked at her in amazement.
“Two months?”
“That’s it!”
“I guess I better start right away.”
Gary got out of bed and put his clothes on.
13.
Tajel was having a quiet day. Nobody had bothered her for the better part of an hour, even though it was a lottery day. She had painted her nails blue and now that they were dry she didn’t have anything better to do than re-arrange the stock.
She was just restacking the baked beans when the bell of the shop door rang. She glanced over her shoulder and there stood Paul, in apparent defiance of her earlier request for him to leave and not come back.
“You’ve not welcome here,” she told him.
Paul’s face was blanched and pathetic.
“Please, Tajel, I’m so sorry, please can I stay?”
Paul burst into tears and stood there sobbing.
14.
Gary stood in Milton’s kitchen, his shaky hand held a cup of instant coffee. Carrie was bringing him up to date on the state of play.
“Milton, of course, copied the curse out to the minutest detail. So, we just need some of Saul’s blood now,” said Carrie.
“Thanks Carrie, you’re a genius,” said Gary.
“Actually, Dan came up with it” she confessed.
“That is not to say,” Milton added, “That we should now start considering Dan a genius.”
Gary laughed.
“Come on then.”
They set out towards Saul’s house.
“You’d better knock on the door Carrie; I did come over and threaten him earlier.”
“Well remember, Paul said he wants to help out.”
“I remember” said Gary, “but I’m not sure I believe it.”
Carrie knocked on the door, waited a few moments and knocked again.
“I bet they’re down at Discount News bothering Tajel,” Gary suggested.
15.
Gary strode into Discount News with the confidence and purpose of a Jedi knight. Carrie and Milton both followed him in flanking his shoulders. Tajel was stood behind the counter with Paul. Paul was drinking a cup of tea, for the first time that any of them had ever seen him in the shop, he wasn’t wearing his hat.
Gary was stopped in his tracks for just a moment. Then he approached the counter.
“Hello you,” he raised his ey
ebrows at Tajel.
“Hi.”
“Listen, I’ve actually come here to see Paul.”
Tajel waved her hands.
“Bad time,” she whispered.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing unpleasant.”
“What is it?” Paul asked.
“Well, Dan told us you were looking to do something to make up for the incident last night.”
Paul nodded.
“So I thought you might be able to do us a favour.”
Paul continued nodding, his head moving with the momentum and consciousness of a pendulum.
“OK,” he said, “whatever.”
“Brilliant,” said Gary, “we just need a little bit of your brother’s blood.”
Paul looked up at Gary and the hurt blossomed in his eyes until thick tears rolled down his cheeks.
Episode Six: Demon Day
1.
The glass of the shop front of Discount News Newsagents reflected the sun with such a blinding glare that there was no way that Gary could glance back in at the damage he had just done. He looked at his three friends who frowned at him disapprovingly.
“Well, that went well,” said Gary.
“There was no possible way you could have known his brother was dead,” Milton reassured him.
“Other than giving him a death curse,” Dan butted in.
“Well, looks like it did its job,” Gary said
Gary let his head fall in despair.
Carrie put her hand on his shoulder.
“The death curse is enacted in the middle of the night, not midnight but the exact point between the setting of the sun and the rising,” Carrie told him.
“Ignore her,” said Dan, “you messed with witchcraft and you got a man killed.”
“Steady on Dan,” Milton raised his volume and lowered his tone to highlight how serious a matter it was that Dan steadied on.
“And then,” Dan said, “you asked his brother for some of his blood.”
“To break the curse,” said Gary.
Dan coughed and gestured towards Discount News inside of which Paul was sobbing on Tajel’s shoulder over the death of his brother Saul.
“It’s against the witch-hunter’s code,” Dan’s pomposity was at a maximum level.
“You were all for letting Saul die,” Milton reminded Dan.
“I know and I stand by that sentiment. The boy was a boil on this village’s arse.”
“Gary didn’t kill him,” Carrie reminded them, “if he had then Saul would still be alive.”
“Oh come on, it can’t just be co-incidence,” Dan declared.
Gary took a step backwards outside of the discussion, he wasn’t really. His body ached in the impulse to implode out of being.
“Co-incidences do happen,” said Carrie, “or there wouldn’t be a word for it.”
“Perhaps it’s not co-incidence but synchronicity,” Milton suggested.
Gary slinked further backwards and began a slow funereal walk home. About ten minutes later, Carrie noticed that he was gone.
“Wait, where’s Gary?” Carrie asked.
Milton and Dan shrugged.
“I guess he went home,” Milton suggested.
“Well we need to follow him.”
“I think he might need some time to himself,” Dan suggested.
“Look, if the curse didn’t kill Saul then a demon has still been summoned,” said Carrie, “It will want blood. It is my estimation that it will try to take the last person who held the curse before Saul.”
Milton and Dan stared at her blankly.
“Which is Gary,” she told them.
Dan considered saying, “well, that’s what you get,” but thought better of it.
2.
Gary pushed hard against his front door but it wouldn’t open. He had cleared enough of a crack to know that there was something blocking him from the other side.
“Hello, Alison,” he called weakly.
Through the crack he could hear a loud sigh, then the sound of feet coming down the stairs.
“Hang on,” Alison called.
Alison fumbled with whatever it was that was causing the obstruction and the door swung open. As Gary stepped into his hallway he glanced down in undisguised disappointment.
“Suitcases,” he said, “you’re really going to Leeds.”
“I’m setting out tomorrow.”
“How are you going to get there?”
“In the car,” Carrie told him.
“That’s my car.”
“You won’t need it; it’s only a short walk to the school and Discount News.”
“But...”
Gary’s emotions teetered between rage and absolute defeat. He grabbed the hair of his head in both hands and clenched his fingers until it hurt.
“You’re just going for the job, right? I mean, you’ll be back?”
“I can’t make any promises but that’s the plan. Provided you get your shit together.”
“I will, I mean I am. Oh fuck, Alison.”
Gary sat down in the hallway.
“If it’s any consolation, I’ll probably miss you.”
Gary could feel the water building behind his eyes. He stared at the floor but no tears came.
3.
Back at the Occultivated bookshop, Carrie was leafing through the heavy volume of Karswell’s History of the Craft. Milton was staring at her with wide eyes that glazed with moisture.
“So,” said Milton, “we can’t do anything to save Gary?”
“Nothing I can find,” Carrie told him, “I’m still looking.”
“And you really think the demon will come for him tonight?”
“It looks likely; whoever first cast the runes will show up too, according to this.”
“The witches? Why would they go for Gary?”
“To be sure the job is finished.”
“That does not set my mind at rest.”
Milton took a large swig from his mug of tea and thought about it.
“If we drew a magic circle around his house...?”
“Gary lives in a terrace, it would have to be a giant magic oval.”
“Would that work?”
There was so much hope in Milton’s voice that Carrie was afraid to answer him.
“No, if anything, it would trap the demon inside it.”
Milton put his head in his hands and breathed as slowly as he could. He thought through all of the options, there had to be something but he would have settled for anything at all. He settled on an idea that had some hope to it. He smiled a little, a desperate wild and twitching lopsided comma creeping across his face.
“The original message with the curse in it was for me. Do you think the demon might come for me instead?”
Carrie frowned.
“I don’t think so but we had best be prepared.”
“Alright, let’s go tell Gary.”
Carrie shook her head.
“Let him have the night with Alison, I might be wrong” she soothed, “I’m not really sure anyone really knows the exact mechanics of otherworldly beings, it could go to anyone who’s been under the influence of the curse. Plus, I want the night with you, just in case.”
“Good idea, I’ll bring my chicken inside too... Just in case.”
4.
The house’s double glazed windows made cracking noises in time to each heavy gust of wind that pressed against them. A full gale was blustering through Hettford, whipping up discarded crisp packets and bus tickets into a frenzied animation before depositing them into the village’s numerous privet hedges. Behind the wind was an odd scraping sound. Alison rolled over in the bed and shook Gary.
“Are you OK?” He asked her.
“I’m surprised that you’re awake.”
“I’m listening to the wind. I can’t get my mind off what happened to Saul.”
“
You’re being stupid;” Alison told him, “for the last time, magic is not real. What’s that other sound?”
“I don’t know, I looked but there’s nothing out there.”
“I think something’s blown onto the car, can you go and look? Make sure it’s not scratched.”
Gary looked at Alison’s wide eyes.
“Sure,” he muttered, “I wouldn’t want anything to happen to my car.”
Gary put on his dressing gown and slippers and plodded down the stairs. As he opened the door, the scraping noise that Alison had been talking about was immediately amplified. He looked out at his driveway, in front of him stood a massive human shaped darkness. Gary squinted but he couldn’t make out what the thing was. Whatever it was, it was blocking his driveway.
Alison’s voice drifted down the stairs.
“Can you tell what it is?”
Gary took a step closer but the shape became no clearer. It couldn’t be a person, so what was it?
“This is ridiculous,” Gary said to himself, “you’re a grown man.”
Gary took a deep breath and began to stride towards the shape. As he did so the scraping noise increased, he noticed a movement at his feet. Looking down he saw the shape of a fox stood directly in front of him. Its gums pulled back to reveal canine teeth as slender and sharp as syringes. The fox barked at him. Gary had never heard a fox bark before; it made an unnatural and coarse rasp, like the sound of metal scraping against metal. The black shape took a step forward and as it did so Gary got a sense of its features, it was the colour of an unlit cave – a faceless caricature of the human body made of only weight and the darkness. It cracked the flag stones at the entrance to his driveway with the step. However, despite its immense weight, the movement was not slow. The pace and determination of the step reminded him of tsunamis and avalanches: any force that would engulf everything it came into contact with.
The fox spun around and growled at the shadow. The fox’s tail pointed rigidly backwards and it lifted one of its front legs ready to lurch forward.
The darkness lifted an arm and reached inside itself, its hand passing through into its chest. When the hand re-emerged it was holding a slip of paper. Gary recognised it as the death curse he had passed on to Saul. The darkness did not speak aloud but Gary could feel the pressure of air building in his inner ears as the words formed inside him.
“The last owner is dead; you called me I will take you.”
“Fantastic,” thought Gary, “I didn’t kill Saul; at least I can die with a clear conscience.”
The creature rushed at Gary, he stepped backwards unable to comprehend everything he was seeing. There was a flicker of light as the fur of the fox ignited into flame. The flame fox leapt up and took the creature by its throat. As it bit into the darkness, the thing dissipated into nothing and all that was left was an ordinary fox.
The fox walked up to Gary and raised its nose like a domestic dog. Still utterly bewildered, he reached down and stroked its head. The fox rubbed against him then rolled over and showed him its belly. He could feel the animal’s ribs as he ran his fingers through its fur. The fur was softer than he expected and very, very warm.
“Thanks,” he told it, “I owe you one.”
With that, the fox rolled back over onto its feet and scuttled off down the road. Gary went back into the house and back upstairs. Alison was wrapped in the blanket, her face covered.
“Did you see what it was?” asked Alison.
“It was a fox barking.”
“It couldn’t have been.”
“I saw it,” Gary said “foxes have a weird bark; I’ve never heard one before.”
“Well, I hope it doesn’t come back.”
“I thought you said you were leaving in tomorrow.”
“I’ll come back and visit.”
“Good.”
“And when I do, I don’t want to be kept awake by a fox barking.”
Gary got into bed and, as he closed his eyes, he realised that he was terrified out of his wits. He opened them again, as wide as saucers. Alison began to snore, a gentle hum of rhythm that he always found comforting. Gary eyed the shadows in his room worried that at any minute they might close in on him.
5.
Milton was woken by the sound of his downstairs window smashing. He left Carrie in bed and ran to see what was going on. By the time he was on the landing, he could already hear Dan’s heavy footsteps crashing down the stairs.
The wind was blowing through the window, on the window sill sat two crows. They were a little larger than any crows Milton had seen before. The crows mewled at the two friends as they stood to observe them.
“It’s the witches,” Dan yelled.
“I know, let’s bag them.”
“That would be like inviting them in.”
“Well then what?”
“Try to keep them there.” Dan ran off to the kitchen. Meanwhile Milton decided to taunt the two crows.
“Can’t get in can you?”
The frame of the window shook as one of them took a step forward.
“There are horseshoes above every door and window in the house. So you two are just going to have to find another way.”
Milton felt himself being shoved out of the way. Dan barged past him and pointed an aerosol can of WD40 at the birds; there was a click as he turned the flint on a cigarette lighter. A stream of liquid fire burst out of the can. The two birds flew away just in time for Dan to set the curtains on fire.
Milton ran over to the curtains and pulled them down taking the curtain rail out of the wall and burning his hands as he did so. The flaming curtains fell to the ground and Milton stamped on them in his bare feet. Dan ran back to the kitchen and sprayed fire extinguisher on to the curtains. The flames died out.
“I’m the king of aerosols,” Dan declared.
“You’re a fucking knob,” retorted Milton.
“Milton looked at the flame damage on his wallpaper and carpet and sighed. The two crows had returned to the broken window. They let out a horrid, chattering laugh.
Carrie walked past Milton; he wasn’t surprised that the commotion had shaken her out of bed. However he was quite surprised at what she did next, she grabbed one of the crows by its neck and pulled out one of its feathers. The other crow drove its beak into top of her hand and she snatched it back, allowing the feather to drop on top of the spoiled curtains.
The birds flapped their wings as trying to fly directly at her but unable to break through the liminal space of the window frame.
Dan thrust his pelvis towards the two crows, time and time again screaming.
“Suck it, you two, suck it,” which didn’t really help the situation.
Milton pulled Carrie to her feet and took her to the kitchen to dress the wound. There was another window directly in front of the kitchen sink. As he ran Carrie’s hand under the cold water one of the crows descended, wings spread wide and shattered through both panes of the double glazing.
“PVC, doesn’t shatter,” screamed Milton, “I’m sorry but just doesn’t.”
“It has,” said Carrie.
“Shit, I only had those put in three months ago.”
Carrie winced as Milton wrapped a bandage around her cut hand.
“They’ll still be under warrantee,” Carrie gritted her teeth as she spoke: “you can claim it as wind damage.”
Another window smashed as they were speaking. One by one the birds broke through every window in the house. Dan burst into the kitchen, there wasn’t a door for him to burst through but he managed to give the impression of bursting nonetheless. The effect was highlighted by the sound of yet another window being broken.
“That is just petty” said Dan, “witches are so bloody petty.”
“I’m just glad that we thought to bring Roaster into the house.”
Milton’s pet chicken was sat in a small indoor run that Milton had built under the table.
br /> “Well at least with the windows broken, the thing won’t smell so badly,” Dan told him.
6.
The phone rang, Gary looked at the clock. It was only half past eight in the morning. Gary had been asleep for roughly three minutes. He looked at Alison, who he knew as a fact had been asleep for most of the night, but she wasn’t stirring. He reached over and grabbed the receiver.
“Hello,” he said feigning a sunny and awake disposition.
“Oh hi Gary,” said the voice at the other end of the phone, “it’s Joan.”
“Hi boss,” Gary replied.
“Erm, about that,” Mrs. Fuller paused awkwardly, “I’m afraid Mr. Broughton who formerly taught English has asked for his old job back and well, the head has said it’s OK.”
“Does that mean I’m out of a job?”
“Will that be OK? I’m sorry it’s late notice.”
“Not really,” said Gary “but I suppose it’s out of your hands? I mean, I’ve handed in my notice at the garage and my girlfriend who pays half the rent is moving to Leeds but I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
“Well, as long as you’re sure” said Mrs. Fuller.
“I’ll speak to you soon,” said Gary.
Gary put the phone down. Alison was still snoring. Gary went downstairs to make her a cup of tea: he had to give her something to want to come back to. Gary flicked on the kettle and opened the fridge to get the milk. He was greeted by the stink of decay. Literally, every last item of natural food had spoiled. Lettuce had browned and liquefied, the milk had solidified and the tomatoes were furry with penicillin. Gary pulled a bin bag out from under the sink, grabbed some paper towels and held his breath. Forty minutes later, when he had finished, he realised that he would need milk to make tea. That meant going to Discount News, a thought that he did not relish. Then he thought about losing Alison forever, grabbed his wallet and set out to restock the fridge.
7.
Discount News Newsagents was entirely empty of customers. As Gary stepped in his heart sank to see Paul stood behind the counter. Paul nodded at Gary as he walked through the door and Gary said a sheepish, “hello.” Collecting the necessary items for a cooked breakfast, Gary approached the counter expecting some kind of confrontation.
“How is Alison doing?”
Gary stared at Paul in amazement; it was hard to imagine that he was the same person that had caused such torment to him. Paul’s eyes were childlike and hurt looking.
“She’s fine, looking forward to moving to Leeds. How are you doing?”
“I’m not great.”
“I suppose you wouldn’t be, would you?”
“I guess not.”
Gary waved his hand at the groceries he had placed on the shop counter.
“Is Tajel around? I’d like to pay for these.”
“She’ll be back in a minute; she’s just gone to the loo.”
“You seem to be getting on well with her.”
“Yeah, she’s been great.”
Paul pursed his lips:
“Really, really great.”
Gary nodded in what he hoped looked like sympathy.
“Listen, I want you to know… All that stuff that happened with you and Alison; just forget about it OK?”
“Thanks man,” said Paul, “I want you to know that I don’t believe that rumour that you caused Saul’s death with some spell.”
“What?”
“You know how people are saying you cast some kind of spell on Saul and then he died? Apparently he told our cousin Angela you’d given him a piece of paper or something. Also, your three mates stood outside the front of the shop talking about it for about an hour. I think everyone in the village heard them.”
“I’ve not heard that,” said Gary.
“Well, I saw him die, it was stupid and pointless and I should have stopped it. I know what happened and I’ll tell anyone it wasn’t you. Even if you did ask for some of his blood.”
“Thanks for that.”
“I know you gave him the paper, I just don’t think it’s what killed him.”
Gary felt his stomach sink into his guts. Tajel appeared in the door behind the counter.
“Can I pay for this please?”
8.
Carrie was woken up by the sound of a rooster crowing the dawn. She hadn’t really been soundly asleep because it was very cold with every window in the house smashed and it was still quite windy.
“What the hell?” Carrie asked Milton who was already dressed.
“It’s just Roaster,” Milton told her “my pet chicken. Who needs an alarm clock? I’m off to check on Gary, call the insurance company and then see if I can shift a few books. Do you want some breakfast?”
“I thought Roaster laid eggs.”
“She does. Would you like some?”
“That would make her a hen.”
“That’s what the farmer told me.”
“Hen’s don’t say ‘cock-a-doodle-do.’”
“Don’t be silly, of course they do. All chickens do, right?”
Carrie shook her head.
“But then, all chickens must lay eggs.”
“Only the ones with vaginas.”
Milton put his hands on his knees and a wave of panic hit him. He tried to breathe deeply.
“So where have all the eggs been coming from?” Milton asked Carrie.
Carrie shrugged. There was a knock at their bedroom door.
“Hello,” called Dan from the other side of the door.
“What Dan?” asked Milton.
“I’ve just been for a brisk walk and I thought you’d want to know that I saw Gary alive and well with a bag of groceries.”
“That’s good news,” said Carrie.
“It certainly is,” said Dan, “it means you were wrong about something.”
9.
Gary put the groceries in the fridge. He checked the temperature to make sure that the thing was working. He moved the dial from “cold” to “extra cold” just to be on the safe side.
He was fairly sure that the smell of breakfast would awaken Alison so before he began cooking he wanted to see if he couldn’t fix his life a little bit. He was not going to procrastinate anymore, time to get things done. Plus, it seemed like the easiest way to avoid Alison yelling at him. He picked up the phone and called his old job.
“Hello Ron,” said Gary.
“Who’s that?” Ron asked.
“It’s Gary.”
“OK, what do you want? Let me guess, you can’t make it in tonight?”
“No that’s fine, I can.”
Ron grunted in acceptance.
“What it is” Gary continued, “is that, you know how I handed in my notice?”
“Yes I do, been a right pain in the arse finding somebody else to work nights but I’ve got someone. Girl named Julie. Very keen she is.”
“What?”
“Yup, starts the day you leave.”
“Right, I was wondering if I could have my old job back. The new one has kind of fallen through.”
“Sorry, I’m a man of my word. A promise is a promise.”
“Oh OK.”
“So, I’ll see you tonight then.”
Ron put the phone down. Gary stared at the bacon and thought about how Alison might react when she found out that he was jobless. “Fuck it,” he thought, “I just won’t tell her.”
He turned the gas on and put the bacon in the frying pan. Then he went to the recycling bin, pulled out the free local newspaper and opened it to the job section.
10.
Milton, Dan and Carrie sat around the kitchen table, each of them with a good mug of tea at hands reach. Roaster had been sent back outside to his run. In the centre of the table was a small side-plate and in the centre of the side-plate were a black feather and an egg.
“Here are the possibilities” said Dan: “Firstly, someone has been sneaking the eggs i
nto the run. Secondly, Roaster is a magical hermaphroditic hen who says cock-a-doodle-do. Or thirdly, that Carrie is wrong and all chickens say cock-a-doodle-do. Occam’s razor suggests the latter hypothesis. Two for two as the American’s would say.”
“You’re wrong Dan,” said Carrie, “all chickens say ‘bawk-bok-bokark,’ but only Roosters say ‘cock-a-doodle-do.’”
“Is the problem that onomatopoeia such as ‘cock-a-doodle-do’ and ‘bawk-bok-bokark’ are not reliable phonetic reproductions of the sounds they represent?” Milton asked, “I mean, what’s to say that some people don’t hear the ‘bawk-bok-bokark’ sound as ‘cock-a-doodle?’”
“There’s a clear difference,” said Carrie, “anyone can hear that ‘cock-a-doodle doo’ is different to ‘bawk-bok-bokark.’ Look it up on Google if you won’t take my word for it.”
“OK,” Milton said, “then I think the most rational hypothesis is that the farmer gave me the wrong kind of chicken because he didn’t like me. And that the eggs got here by witchcraft.”
“That makes sense,” Dan agreed.
“So what purpose do they serve?” Carrie asked.
“I shudder to think,” said Milton “I’ve eaten hundreds of the bloody things.”
“And I had to eat Cornflakes near the thing!” Dan chipped in.
“There’s a chicken on the damn box, Dan!”
Carrie intervened:
“Can you two calm down?”
Milton stared at Dan, Dan was already flushed red but he began to turn as purple as a fingertip with string wrapped around it.
“Fine,” he said.
Dan and Milton took swigs from their tea and eyed each other sideways.
“We do need to find out what’s going on,” said Carrie.
“Sorry,” said Milton, “yes we do.”
“What do you suggest Carrie?” Dan asked.
“Well we have the feather from the witch so we can summon her and bind her. See if we can find out what’s she’s doing?”
“We could kill her too,” said Dan, “that would save a lot of trouble.”
“We can’t” Carrie told him, “The circle that will protect us from her will also protect her from us.”
“Nonetheless,” Dan said, “it beats faffing around with our thumbs shoved up our arses.”
“I don’t think we should do it” Milton’s voice was wary; reflecting both the caution he felt towards the plan and his eagerness not to offend or annoy his new girlfriend any further than he already had: “Sometimes you have to use a little witchcraft to protect yourself from witchcraft but we should try to avoid it as much as possible.”
“Why?” Carrie asked.
“Have you ever read the Lord of the Rings?”
“No.”
“What? You’ve seen the film though, right?”
“It’s not my sort of thing.”
Milton stared at her in astonishment.
“OK, there’s this ring in it and no matter what you do with it that deed turns to evil because that’s how the ring was made.”
“So what?” Carrie asked.
“So that’s how I view magic, anything you do with it will always get turned to evil.
“But this is not a ring, it’s a feather and this is not a story – it’s real life, right?”
Milton shook his head.
“The principle is the same, how can we claim to be witch-hunters if we’re using witchcraft ourselves.”
“Dan will do it.”
“Dan’s psychotic.”
“But he’s effective, sometimes.”
“And Gary killed Saul,” Dan said, “What do you mean, sometimes?”
“No he didn’t,” Milton told him.
“He tried to; can we be sure he didn’t?”
Neither Milton nor Carrie felt ready to answer the question. Milton shrugged and changed the subject.
“Do you really think you can bind one of the witches with this?”
Carrie nodded.
“Then go for it.”
11.
Alison had wasted no time about packing her bags, the bedroom wardrobe looked sad and depleted.
“How do I only own five T-Shirts, two jumpers, a pair of jeans and some sweatpants?”
“The other stuff is in the laundry, in the case of your sweaters, it has been there since it got warm in spring.”
“Well, they’re probably clean again by now then.”
“You will be OK, won’t you?”
“Contrary to popular cliché, men are capable of looking after their own needs.”
“Just not ours, hey?”
“Oh, fuck off,” said Gary.
“Ooh, someone’s testy.”
“Well, you’re leaving tomorrow; I get to watch you spend your last day putting stuff in bags. What do you want from me? Should I shit myself and rub it all over the house so you can be sure that you were the one who did everything?”
“Gary.”
“Just pack your stuff, I’m going for a walk.”
Gary slammed the door to the bedroom, and then slammed the door to the house. As the cool air of late summer hit him, he wondered what it was that he was so angry about. Then when he remembered he started to run, not anywhere in particular – just away.
12.
An array of mysterious symbols circled around a chalk circle in the middle of Milton’s living room. Dan had helped move the TV out of the way so that there was space for it. Carrie drew a second circle around the symbols and then placed the feather in the middle of the inner circle.
“Will this be long?” Milton asked, “I’ve got the bloke from the insurance coming around in an hour.”
“When is the double-glazing company coming?”
“Not till tomorrow, but it’s going to be embarrassing enough having boarded up windows for a few days without them seeing this.”
“Let’s get started then.”
Carrie sat cross legged in front of the circle: she was holding a cup of salt in her left hand and a glass of water in her right hand.
“What are they for?” Dan asked.
“Is that water or tequila?” Milton asked.
“Hush up; I’m getting into the mood.”
Dan nudged Milton twice. Carrie began to chant in ancient Greek:
“Αυτό μάλλον δεν ζχει νόημα,” she said.
The room began to fill with a dark smoke.
“Δεν είναι από υπολογιςτή μεταφραςτική υπηρεςία.”
The lines of the circle filled with a green moss, so that they looked like the unattended patio in Milton’s garden.
“Είναι πιθανόν να μην αρχαία είτε.”
The centre of the circle began to fill with soil, the earth emerging from the wood panelling as if a mole was burrowing it up. Finally, from the centre, the Witch appeared.
“It’s a crow,” Dan observed.
The crow stood in the centre of the circle and glanced at the three friends in curiosity.
“Ask it about the eggs,” Milton told Carrie.
“Are the eggs Milton has been eating enchanted?” Carrie asked the crow.
“Caw, caw,” said the crow.
“Does that mean yes or no,” said Dan.
“It’s once for yes and twice for no,” Milton told him.
“Yes, I know that but does the crow?”
“Ask it Carrie.”
“Was that twice for no?” Carrie asked the crow.
“Caw, caw, caw, caw,” said the crow.
“I command you to take human form,” Carrie told the crow. The crow paced around the circle a little and then pecked the ground as if it were looking for worms.
Carrie turned to Milton and Dan, she shrugged.
“It was worth a go right?”
“Well hang on,” said Dan “we might not be able to question it but we’ve got it trapped can’t
we kill it?”
“Not without breaking the circle, then it has full access to your house if we don’t kill it” Carrie sighed.
“We’ll keep it as prisoner of war then,” suggested Dan.
“Oh no we fucking won’t, look what you did to my curtains, look at the windows. I don’t want to live like this.”
Milton waved at the ruin of his house.
“The insurance bloke won’t mind if there’s a crow here.”
“No, not at all Dan – I’m sure he’ll find nothing suspicious whatsoever in the unnatural patch of raised earth – the dank mystic smoke or the spirit witch crow.”
“Well, he won’t know it’s a spirit witch, will he?”
“He’ll know it’s weird.”
“Shall I dismiss it?” Carrie asked.
“Can we call it again?” Dan asked.
“We should be able to.”
“If you wouldn’t mind Carrie,” Milton’s voice brimmed with appreciation.
Carrie lifted her arms and flicked the salt and water into the circle. The crow vanished, leaving behind it a pile of soil and an unpleasant smell.
“Have you farted?” Dan asked Milton.
13.
The road jolted Gary’s legs as his heavy paces drove him onwards and away from the village of Hettford. As he passed the garage that he no longer worked at a plump girl with yellow lipstick and indigo hair waved her hands at him. He caught the movement in his periphery, but his focus did not shift from the horizon.
The leather shoes he was wearing knocked hard against the tarmac sounding the rhythm of his running like a metronome. He reached the outskirts of the village, by the farmer’s fields and descended down a dip in the road.
As he arrived at the top of the dip, he reached another dip in the road. As he arrived at the top of the dip, he reached yet another dip in the road. The pattern did not become suspicious to him until it had repeated four times, at the top of the dip he looked back on his path, he stopped and turned around and scrutinised it. There was nothing except flat tarmac running all the way back to the village.
14.
“You see, there was a candle on the window sill, one of those scented ones,” Milton was explaining, “romantic night in.”
The claims inspector, who by a miracle had actually come on time, nodded her head.
“So the candle, without blowing out, flew into the open curtain and set it alight?”
“I didn’t actually see it, because I was in the kitchen marvelling that the first window had blown out.”
“That’s understandable, I would have expected there to be some wax spilled though.”
“Oh, there was but it’s been cleaned up.”
Milton gestured towards the kitchen where Carrie and Dan were sat talking.
“You know women,” he told the woman, “they like to clean up before the maid.”
“Hmmm,” said the woman.
Given how badly Milton was handling the claims adjuster, he was greatly relieved that he no longer had a supernatural crow in his living room. The soil had brushed right up, though there was no sign of the feather to call the creature back again. Milton was not as upset about the loss of it as the other two hunt members because he had mostly been worrying about his floor being damaged. Thankfully, it had only been a little dirty and not the gaping hole he had envisaged.
“Well,” said the claims adjuster, “I’m not satisfied that I know what happened here, I am however, happy to acknowledge it as an act of God which you are covered for; perhaps she was trying to smite you.”
Milton gave an awkward grin.
“I believe the windows are still under warrantee so we won’t cover them but we’ll send someone this afternoon to board them up and someone tomorrow to discuss redecorating the living room.”
“Thanks,” said Milton.
The woman left the house, Milton waved her car off from his doorstep.
15.
Gary’s legs hurt; he had tried to walk out of the village by sneaking over the fields. He was not sure how he had managed it but by walking in a straight line forwards he had managed to tread the entire circumference of the village and had returned to the dip in the road. He tried walking through the dip three more times before he gave up and walked back towards the house.
Alison was not there when he got back, so he picked up the car keys and turned them in the ignition. The starter motor whirred but failed to spark the engine. After three or four tries, Gary walked to the bus stop and sat down to wait for the bus.
He hadn’t been there long when someone sat down next to him. He felt denim and soft skin pressing against his thigh, looked across he saw Julie smiling at him.
“Going anywhere exciting?”
“Everywhere is exciting when you live in Hettford.”
“Aren’t you excited about your new job?”
“No,” said Gary abruptly. Then, in response to the hurt in the girl’s face he added, “Not really.”
“Well you know where I am if you ever need to talk.”
Gary took a deep breath.
“Listen, things still aren’t great with Alison. It wouldn’t look good if we were seen together.”
Julie smiled at him.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone I saw you.”
A car drove past with its window down, the passenger leant across the driver’s seat and yelled.
“Murderer!”
The car sped off and Julie looked at Gary in puzzlement.
“What was that about?” asked Julie.
“I was going to ask you.”
“Weird, great minds think alike hey?”
Gary forced as pleasant a smile as his face would form.
“I suppose so, but hang on - are you getting the bus?”
Julie shook her head.
“I guess they don’t then, do you mind?”
Gary waved his thumb in what he considered his friendliest non-verbal, “hop it.”
Julie frowned at him. Gary knew he was being harsh towards Julie but he didn’t want to have to worry about sleeping with her whilst Alison was away. He waited for another hour before he accepted that the half hourly bus to Bridgeford wasn’t going to show.
16.
When he finally got back to his house, Gary found Alison packing her bags into the car.
“I could have helped you with these,” he offered
“Thanks, I’m fine.”
“What time are you planning to leave?”
“I’m leaving now Gary.”
“What?”
“I can’t stand to spend another minute in that house with you.”
“I know I’ve been out a while but...”
“Five hours Gary, five hours – are you out buying me a farewell corsage? No, you’re swanking abound town with that fat Julie.”
“I saw Julie but I certainly wasn’t swanking around with her.”
“Oh you just couldn’t wait for me to be gone could you? Couldn’t wait five minutes until you started sniffing around that pussy.”
Alison got into the car.
“Well, you can have it. Enjoy your miserable life.”
Alison slammed the door and put the key in the ignition. With a certain amount of glee Gary waited for the starter motor to fail. The engine sparked on its first attempt and Alison drove off with Gary running next to the car calling:
“Wait, there’s been a misunderstanding.”
As she disappeared around the corner, a second car drove past – someone in the back seat threw an empty drink can at him. It caught him on the side of the head. He heard someone shout, “Killer!”
Gary watched the car drive away for a few seconds before he realised the dampness on his face wasn’t just blood and generic orangeade.
17.
“Here it is,” Milton held up a thick old book in triumph. The table in Milton’s kitchen was stacked high with just about every seri
ous occult manual that he owned.
“Eggs of deceit, in the sequel to Der Hexenhammer.”
“Malleus Two: What does it say?” Dan asked.
“Apparently it has something to do with Cuckoos leaving their eggs in other bird’s nests. Basically it means someone is trying to warn us that there is a traitor in our midst.”
“I would be the obvious choice right?” Carrie inquired, “I mean, this didn’t start happening until after I joined the group.” “No,” said Dan, “this stared before you came.”
“I know I’m not a traitor to me,” said Milton, “I’m pretty sure about you two.”
“Well, then that leaves Gary,” Dan looked very stern.
“I really don’t think so Dan.”
“Think about it, the break in, using witchcraft to kill someone...”
“We don’t know that he did.”
“We know he bloody tried.”
“Gary’s lovely,” said Carrie.
“You two are too soft: it’s a war out there now. They’re bringing it to us now; and when did that start? After Gary’s little break-in.”
Milton took a long draught of tea:
“I don’t want to agree but you have a point.”
Carrie frowned in disapproval.
“What are you going to do? You can’t be too hard on him after all the stuff he’s done for you.”
“We’ll just suspend him,” said Milton “give him a holiday, I’m sure he’ll be fine with that: he’s a very relaxed kid.”
“No point putting it off,” said Dan “get him over here.”
“No, it’s his last day with Alison,” Milton tried to sound final.
“She won’t mind, she hates us,” said Dan, “Plus, you can do it over the phone.”
Milton sighed and braced himself.
“Let us get it out the way then.”
18.
Gary had pulled the curtains to his living room, somewhere in the house his phone was ringing. Gary lay on his couch covering his head with a pillow until, eventually, the noise stopped.
End of Series One