CHAPTER XXVIII
Rush walked up and down the room for a few moments in silence. Mrs.Balfame sat back and folded her hands. She was haunted by a vague senseof inefficiency, of having not quite risen to the occasion, but she feltthere could be no doubt that she not only had impressed the reporters asan innocent woman but as a perfect lady. The rest didn't matter.
"Are you really not a bit nervous?" demanded Rush, swinging on his heeland confronting her.
"I will not permit myself to be. And except that I hate publicity, Ireally do not dread the trial. It means the beginning of the end of thisdetestable prison life. I want to be out and free. A week in a courtroomis not too heavy a price to pay."
"Have you ever been to a murder trial?"
"Of course not. Such a thing would never have occurred to me."
Rush sighed. She had no imagination. But as her counsel he remindedhimself that he should be grateful for the lack; he wanted no scenes,either in the courtroom or here in the imminent hours. But he would havewelcomed a little more feminine shrinking, appeal to his superiorstrength. Even when he had worshipped her from afar, she had never movedhim so powerfully as on the day of her arrest when she had flung herselfover the table in an abandonment to despair as complete as the mostexacting male could wish. That incident had long since taken on theshifting outlines of a dream. If she had felt any tremors since thenshe had concealed them from him.
"Tell me," he asked almost wistfully, "are you not terribly frightenedat times? You are alone here so much. And it has been an experience totry even a strong man's nerves."
"Women nowadays really have better nerves than men. We not only lead afar fuller and more varied life than our predecessors, but you men workat such a terrific strain that it is a wonder you retain any control ofyour nerves at all. I will admit that I did have attacks of fear atfirst. It was all so strange and odd. But I got over them. You can getused to anything, I guess. And I have a strong will. I just made myselfthink about something else. This war has been a godsend. Have younoticed my new maps? I've really read about twenty war books, besidesall the editorials, and they have given me a distaste for lighterreading, and really developed my--my--intellect. That seems such a bigword. And then I've knitted dozens of things for the children andsoldiers, and felt as if I were of some use for the first time in mylife."
She glanced at him shyly, as he stared through the bars of one of thewindows. The suppressions of a lifetime made it impossible to betray anydepth of feeling save under terrible stress. She was ashamed of herbreakdown before him on the day of her arrest, but she was conscious ofthe wish that she were able to infuse her cool even tones with warmth,to make them tremulous at the right moment; but if she attempted tobetray something of her newer self even in her eyes, self-consciousnessovercame her and she dropped the lids almost in a panic.
She wondered if love broke down those cliffs of ice that seemed toencompass a new-born soul. Or was it merely that the other members ofher personal company, mature, jealous, self-sufficient, resented theintrusion of this shrinking alien? They had got on quite well withoutit; they felt no yearning for possible complications, readjustments.With all their quiet force they discouraged the stranger. Before any ofthe supreme experiences, including love, they might be routed, the newforce might spring up in an instant like a flower from the magic soilsof India--but not while the conventions bulwarked them. Their sum wasMrs. Balfame of Elsinore, and not for a moment did they permitthemselves to forget it.
Moreover, it was quite true that she had conquered her firstapprehensions and welcomed the trial as the initial step toward freedom.Her poise had always been remarkable, the result in part of aself-centred life and a will driven relentlessly in a narrow groove.More than ever was she determined to sit through those long days in thecourtroom with the cold aloofness of the unfortunate women of history.The very ascents she had made of secret and solitary heights alone wouldhave restored her poise, for she felt on far more friendly terms withherself than when living with a wretch she loathed, and dreaming of nohigher altitudes then complete success in Elsinore. But she wished forthe first time that she were a younger woman, or had made those ascentsmany years ago; she would have liked to reveal herself spontaneously tothis interesting young man who was so deeply in love with her.
Suddenly she wondered if he were as ardently in love with her as inthat brief period when they had talked of themselves. Not loving him inreturn, she had been content with lip-service, the sure knowledge thatall his fine abilities were at work upon the obstacles to her freedom;and she would have been deeply annoyed if he had broken the pact made onthe day of her arrest and reiterated his devotion and his hopes.
But significant happenings--omissions--a certain flatness.... She turnedher head sharply and looked at him. He was still staring moodily throughthe bars.
If far too diffident to show the best that was in her, she found itcomparatively simple to practice the feminine art of angling, albeitwith a somewhat heavy hand.
She asked softly: "Don't you think I did the wise thing to tell them Iintended to travel as soon as I was acquitted? It surely would be inbetter taste than to settle down here--in that house!"
"Did you mean it? The intention would make a good impression on thepublic, certainly."
"Why, of course I meant it. I am not a good hand at saying things merelyfor effect."
"Where shall you go? Europe is rather impossible."
"Oh, not altogether. There is always Italy. And there is no danger fromZeppelins in the interior of Great Britain. And there is Spain--"
"I think Europe a very good place for women to keep away from until thewar is over. Any of the nations may become involved at anyminute--ourselves, for that matter. Better follow the advice ofadvertisers and see America first."
"Yes, I could visit the Expositions in California, and camp for a whilein Glacier Park, and there are the Yellowstone and Grand Canyon--but allthat would only consume a few months--and then there is this winter tothink of. What I feel I should do is to stay away for a year, atleast--"
"You could live very pleasantly in Southern California."
"I should be very conspicuous in those small fashionable settlements.The case has been telegraphed all over the country, and I have seendreadful pictures of myself in several Western papers."
"Well, you might live quietly in New York until the war is over. Thereis no better place to hide--if you avoid the restaurants and theatres.And after all, even a _cause celebre_ is quickly forgotten if there isno aftermath. But I certainly advise against even sailing for Europeuntil peace is declared. There is always the danger of mines and tooenthusiastic submarines."
She turned quite cold and stared at her hands. They were well-shaped butlarge, and they looked like blocks of white marble on her black gown. Hewas still at the window, and his tone was listless. She had a curioussense of panic in the region of her heart. But instantly she curled herlip with defiant scorn. Was she the woman to fancy herself in love witha man the moment she seemed to be in danger of losing him? Besides, nodoubt, the poor man was tired, and too absorbed in the case to have anyroom in him for the moods of the lover. Only a foolish impulsive womanwould in conditions like the present try to rouse a dormant passion.When she was free, and he as well, his heart would automatically takeprecedence once more and he would plead ardently for the privilege ofmarrying her. That was quite in order.
She rose briskly. "Let me show you this map," she said. "It is the verylatest--Letitia Battle brought it to me two days ago. And do smoke."
"Thanks, but I must go over and watch those girls. Yes, it is a finemap. This war certainly is a godsend! Good luck. Keep up those splendidspirits. You're all right."