Chapter Ten
Dave clutches my hand and yanks me to my feet.
“Hurry! Gather your things—get everything. There’s choppers coming.”
I frantically grasp at my plate and cup. The strawberries slide to the ground. I look around once more. There’s nothing else. Dave already has the weed bag. He grabs my elbow and almost wrenches my arm off as he breaks into a run and pulls me along. We jump over the rows of oca. His legs stretch into long strides, and I can hardly lift my boots that high and my feet slog around in them, throwing off my balance. I stumble and fall in a cushion of plants. My first thought is that I destroyed someone’s meal this winter. But Dave’s ashen face tells me this shouldn’t be my first concern. Ahead of us, Nell hurries, but can’t move fast enough.
“Go, Terra!” Dave yells.
From the direction of the water, I hear a noise that splits the air and thuds against my ears. I untangle myself and look back. There is nothing but blue sky. The picture is so serene, but I feel the terror pressing against my chest. I can’t breathe—the air only comes in gasps.
Dave scoops up Nell in his arms. He barrels through the remaining oca. Nell clings to him like a frightened child. She is small and frail as one. Her face is white.
I race across the wide sweep of long grass, following the trails the others made as they sprinted for cover. I remember the stories Mr. Klein told us about hunts in England. Foxes being chased by huge hounds and men and women on horseback. I feel like that fox, now, with nothing but my legs to keep myself from danger. I am exposed here in the grass; anything could catch me here. But I’m still not sure what I run from.
I duck behind a tree and peer around. Dave staggers. His face is red and his forehead pulses. But he won’t let go of Nell, even as he starts to fall into the shadow of trees. Another man jumps out and catches Nell just as they reach us. Dave crouches on the ground next to me, his breath coming in ragged gasps.
The canopy of leaves reaches its shadow out and then the sun slices it and everything else glows. In the distance, two black birds fly toward us. But they aren’t birds. They have propellers and they don’t swoop in the sky. They trace a course straight toward the school. Nell trembles and squeezes my hand.
“Don’t move,” Dave says.
We all collectively hold our breaths. The helicopters are close enough now that I see huge machine guns mounted to the sides. Nell told me there were flyovers. I hadn’t dreamed the helicopters would look like angels of death.
They hang suspended over the school for several seconds. Then they sweep toward us and over the oca field. The oca billows under the beating air. I’ve been crouching too long and my legs cramp up. I want to scream. But one look at Nell’s face steadies me. Her lips tremble, but her eyes shine with defiance.
“What are they looking at?” Dave looks back into a dozen wide eyes. “Did anyone leave anything behind?”
We all shake our heads in unison. And then a gasp and a woman points. On the field is an abandoned weed bag.
“They won’t see it,” Dave says. “It’s the same color as the dirt. They won’t see it.”
He’s trying to convince himself. I want to believe him, but the helicopters hover for an eternity. I can see the open door. A gleam of glass from the door, and then a pinprick of light. I hiss and grab Dave’s hand.
Have they ever taken pictures before?
He shakes his head numbly, like he doesn’t even realize what I asked him. His face sags.
The helicopters hover over the field for another moment, then tilt toward the west and are gone. I still hear the chop drumming in my ears.
After an hour, we finally move.
“We’re done for the day. No more work. Back to the school.” Dave is no longer pale, but his face is craggy.
The silence is as tangible as sand on my skin as we break from our crouches. No one wants to be the first out from under the trees. Nell slips her hand into Dave’s and lets him lead her toward the oca field. The rest of us fall in line.
“And someone get that bag,” Dave says.
The sun is orange and heavy and I stumble, my legs numb with kneeling and the hiking boots. Now that we are out of the shadow, Dave flicks me a smile.
“You’d better get your energy back. You came on just the right day—we’re having a bonfire to celebrate the strawberry harvest.”
A celebration? Now?
“Maybe you didn’t have bonfires in Arizona with how dry and hot it is. Well, we build a great big fire and we dance and sing and talk.”
I can’t believe he’s talking about having a party after this afternoon. I don’t know what would have happened if those helicopters had found exactly what they were looking for, but I don’t need to. I saw the terror in everyone’s faces and felt the stone in my own stomach and knew it would be disaster for everyone. And now Dave says they’re going to dance?
“I know. It seems wrong somehow. But I think it’ll be better this way. Everyone won’t brood on it too long.”
I just escaped one world with dances that I dreaded, just to come to another dance. I glare. That brightens Dave’s face.
“Oh, come on! It won’t be that bad, I promise. And if it is, I’ll show you where you can hide out and avoid the whole thing.”
I glance sidelong at him. He rolls his eyes.
“You’re coming to at least try it out. I’ll stay right by you.” Then he leans down conspiratorially. “I won’t let Mary and her rifle anywhere near you.”
I guffaw so loud that several people turn to look at me, and I slap a hand over my mouth.
As we come in the school, several people disappear up the stairs. Red stands in the lobby waiting. He sees Nell and hugs her against his chest.
“She’s fine, Red. I helped her to the trees.”
Red reaches out a hand and shakes Dave’s fervently. “They find anything?”
“They took pictures this time.”
Red tightens his grip on Nell. “I don’t know how much longer we can stay here. Those flyovers are coming more frequently.”
Dave nods. “Like they’re putting together the puzzle pieces.”
Red kisses Nell’s hair. “I’m sending everyone up to get the windows closed early. We’re all a little on edge.”
“We’re still having the bonfire,” Dave says.
Red half-smiles. “I figure you’d want to. Probably be good to distract everyone. Come on in to dinner.”
I grab a plate of food. As I walk to a table, I see Jack sitting by the radio. His plate of food is on one knee, the pad of paper and pencil on another. His hazel eyes brighten and he waves me over. He’s probably Dave’s age, maybe two years older than me.
“Do you want to listen in?” he asks.
I nod. I hear the crackle and whisper of the radio every time I’m in the cafeteria. There is always someone listening, ready to write. I want to know what they listen to.
Jack hands me the notebook and pencil. “You can be record keeper.”
I hold the pencil. What do I write?
“Did you have a radio in Arizona?”
I shake my head.
“How did you keep up with what was going on in the government?”
The government? Is the radio the only way they know what’s going on?
I shrug. Jack shakes his head.
“No wonder everything’s such a nightmare. There’s still people who can’t even hear them.”
From what I’ve seen, that’s not the problem. It’s the methods they use to control the country.
“Alright then, just write down important things. I’ll help you figure it out.”
I bend over the notebook, and Jack chews his food. Every few minutes, the radio whines at us, but we hear nothing. I look at Jack.
“Sometimes it’s like this, other times there’s a lot going on.”
Then an echoey voice comes out.
“The uprisings in Portland ended peacefully this morning. Forty-five citizens were detained for q
uestioning. The rest were dismissed to their homes. We remind citizens of every city that the cities exist for your protection. In the wilderness, we cannot protect you from dangers both internal and from foreign nations. Anyone found outside city limits will be detained for questioning.”
Jack laughs grimly. “That’s a euphemism for put in a labor camp. I swear they have to open a new one every day for how many people have been ‘detained for questioning.’ Write down that the uprising in Portland is over.”
I scribble furiously. Then the radio lies quiet for several minutes. I take a bite of food. Jack eats his, but he doesn’t say anything more. His eyes are thoughtful. Then the radio crackles again.
“Updated supply-drop schedule.”
Jack’s head whips up, and he taps the paper. This is important.
“All drops will take place in two days at nine o’clock in the morning. The following cities in western New America will receive food drops: Portland, Sacramento, and Phoenix. The following cities in western New America will receive medical drops: Seattle, Salt Lake City, and San Diego. No other drops are scheduled at this time.”
Jack waves Dave over.
“Med drop in two days,” Jack says.
Dave nods. “Well, that explains the fly over today. They usually scout around a bit when there’s a drop scheduled. I’ll talk to Red about it tonight.”
After dinner, everyone heads out behind the school. Red and Jack have already started the fire under the thick boughs of a cluster of trees that I instinctively know shield us from watching eyes. I wrap my arms around my shoulders and shiver. It isn’t cold, but watching the fire—a real fire—jump heavenward is breathtaking. Fires, candles, gas stoves, anything that burns, aren’t allowed in the colonies. This fire warms the icy pit in my stomach, and the terror of the afternoon loosens. The others gathered here feel it as well. Their talk is freer, and they laugh. Watching the orange and yellow fingers writhe and dance, I feel the urge to dance too.
What’s wrong with me? I hate dancing. I’ve been to a dance only once—four days ago—and solely as a means to get here. I refused Jessa’s pleas every time, and she looked so disappointed. She just wanted me to come and have fun—it was hard to spend too much time together. My heart ached every time I told her no, but I insisted. I wouldn’t be a fool like all the others, dancing to some ethereal, synthesized music like everyone else.
I think of Jessa dancing a few days ago, swaying with Brant to the music. The way they all swayed. There was no other way to dance to that music. How happy she was, thinking I was there, actually trying it out for once. And then I think how crushed she was when she realized I had left forever. I think of the message she left me. I try to force it from my mind. It’s too painful and too dangerous to think of her, but I can’t help it. She was devastated, but understanding. How could I do that to her?
Thinking about Jessa, my feet start moving without my realizing and I dance up to the fire, moving to no particular beat, my feet aching with every step in my too-heavy boots, raising my tired legs and stomping wildly. A voice laughs at me. Mary’s, no doubt. But I don’t care. I dance for Jessa. I dance because there is actually a reason to dance—I am alive, and so are these people, and now that the fear and thud of the helicopters are gone, I have had the best day of my life. I jump up and down, my lungs pumping, my heart racing with the life I feel flow through me. My dance isn’t pretty, but I can’t say how I feel—I need to show it.
I circle the fire with my crazy dance, and as I spin from the blaze, a long shadow joins mine, dancing not quite as wildly, but adding to my dance, complementing it. I look up. Dave is a few feet away from me.
“You look ridiculous, but I couldn’t let you have all the fun.”
I grin and speed up the whirlwind.
Then a voice sounds from somewhere among the circle of onlookers. A deep, rich voice using no particular words but sounding out a musical rhythm, frantic to keep up with the dancers. Someone has a pot and bangs it with a spoon to keep the beat.
Across the fire Nell and Red join the dance, but slower, more deliberate. They hold hands and step in time to the rhythm. All around the circle, more people stomp and sway and clap. But Mary stands stiffly, her rifle slung over her back, her arms folded.
I dance over to Nell and Red. I stand by them and watch the fire glow. Then I hear Mary’s voice. She whispers to Jack, but she’s so agitated I can hear every word.
“She’s got to be military.”
Jack raises an eyebrow. “Why?”
“Did you see those soft, white hands? She hasn’t done a day of hard work in her life.”
“It doesn’t mean anything. There’s probably too many people out there still living off the government rations. She’s one of them. Came from Phoenix, probably; snuck rations all her life.”
“No, she’s too healthy. And no tracker, remember? A desk job. Maybe an agent. I’m telling you, because of her, they’re going to find us. She’s here one day and there’s a fly over. Perfect timing, if you ask me. Because of her, they’ll turn this settlement into a labor camp as fast as you can blink, and they won’t stop to ask why only a few of us have trackers. We’ll all be slaves in no time.”
Jack shifts his weight, but says nothing. Then after a moment, he clears his throat.
“If Dave trusts her—”
Mary snorts.
I can’t listen to this, listen to who they think I am. I can’t do a thing to deny it. Nothing I say will convince Mary. I sit on a log next to Dave. The fire dies down, and as it slumps lower to the ground, the dancing ebbs and the singing turns to lullabies whispered to each other. I stare at the fire, at the shimmering coals. A log pops and a blizzard of sparks flies up into the sky to join the stars. My face is hot from sitting too close to the fire, but I don’t want to scoot back.
Dave puts a hand on my arm. “You’re loving this, aren’t you?”
I start back. He could never guess what I’ve been thinking. How I miss Jessa so much I want to cry, how terrified I was of the helicopters earlier today, how I’ve never seen a fire burning. But I can’t tell him that. Let him think what he wants to for now.
“I can tell. You show everything on your face, Terra. I like that.”
I smile back at him and pat the hand on my arm. Should I do more than that? I don’t want to with Mary’s gaze on us, even if Dave doesn’t seem to mind. She has watched us all evening. She’s suspicious of me, and she has a prior claim. From what I learned from Dave and Nell, that much is sure. I can’t risk upsetting that. This is a tightly woven group of people. If I do anything to unravel it, I won’t be able to live with myself. But I feel so strongly about Dave. Not love, not that, I don’t think. That should feel more like a tugging at my heart. I feel a warmth there, like a blossom. More than friends. What we have transcends friendship. I saved his life, and he gave me my dream. I will do just about anything for him.
Regardless of Mary’s stare, I lean into him, just slightly. He squeezes my arm. He looks at me, and I see the uncertainty on his face. What he is uncertain about, though, I can only guess.
“There’s something I want to tell you.” He clears his throat and looks through the fire, and doesn’t say anything more. I watch shadows flicker across his face.
“Something happened to me yesterday, and it really changed me.”
My heart races ahead to where this could lead. The rescue. Does he know it was me?
“I was in a boat, testing it out. We need all the boats we can get for supply drops. The sound is dangerous, but not as dangerous as traveling on foot. Unfortunately, no one in the settlement knows how to build a boat, and we don’t want to go advertising for wandering boat makers. I wanted to try it in the storm to see if it could really hold, but of course Jack and Mary thought that was a bad idea. Red didn’t mind, though. He saw where I was going with the whole thing.”
Where is he going with this conversation? It seems like he doesn’t want to get to the point. I glance at him once, enco
uraging him to go on.
“The water probably was too rough; I should have listened to Jack. But I wanted to try anyway. I made it just past the point, and then the pirates came.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“Raiders, pirates, whatever.”
So that’s who they were. Pirates. I read about them for Burn history. European Burn history. But real pirates?
Dave looks away from me. “They had already seen us, and we couldn’t pick them off from shore. So I put the boat back in the water. There was no way I could get away from them. The rain was pouring in my face and there was already too much water in the boat. We got rid of them, but I crashed the boat and totally clobbered my head. I think I was tossed from the boat—I was so out of it I can’t be sure.”
He runs a hand through his hair, and rubs his knees. He doesn’t realize he’s telling me what I already know. I saw it all. I can give him a more accurate version.
“When I woke up, all I saw was the most beautiful face with dark hair looking over me. Only for a second, and then she was gone, and now I’m not even sure she was there. I was so out of it. I love that face. Not in love, I don’t think. But I love her. Does that make any sense? She looked at me like I was the first and last person she ever wanted to see. And her eyes—there was so much depth to them. Like your eyes. I can’t describe it. Then I heard Mary’s voice. Red, Jack, and Mary said they didn’t see anyone. She must have gone too fast.”
He turns to me, scrutinizing every angle of my face.
“It could have been Mary, I guess. That face, I don’t know. She looked a lot like you.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and laughs. If only he knew. I ache to tell him. He doesn’t know it’s me he loves. He feels the same way I do—we love each other. Not in love. That is a good way to describe it. We aren’t there yet.
Then my shoulders sink. I can’t tell him. I told him my story, and it didn’t include rescuing him. To change that now will raise too many questions. Dave shifts uncomfortably next to me.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever find her. If she hasn’t found our settlement by now, I don’t think she meant to stay around. It could just be Mary.”
Is he trying to convince himself?
He laughs again. “I could just be going crazy.” He touches my chin with his fingers, raising my head up to meet his eyes.
“But you remind me of her. And there’s so much honesty in your face. I don’t think I could let you go. Not after losing her, too. Will you stay here with us, for a while at least?”
I smile, sadly I know, but smile. It makes me happy, him wanting me to stay. But I know his thoughts drift to her, the girl who rescued him. He doesn’t know it was me, and so his heart will never truly be mine. If I can tell him the truth, he will love me forever. Moments like this are precisely the sacrifice I make.
I lean my head on his shoulder. I can’t be her, not to him. But if I remind him of her, maybe in time he will forget her and only see me. He could fall in love with me. I could fall in love with him. With his easy smile and twinkling eyes, the way he holds me, it would be very easy to do.
“I told you earlier that we’d figure out where you would sleep. But I was wondering—” he clears his throat “—if you would sleep in my room?”
Did he just ask me that? I assumed I would be put with another girl in the settlement. If I’m going to anger Mary, this is the quickest way to do it.
He misreads my glance. “No, no, not like that. There aren’t beds to spare and most of the girls are already sharing and I didn’t think you’d want a big room all to yourself. I asked Jack to put a twin mattress up there by the door. You can sleep in the big bed, and I can sleep by the door. Not a big deal.”
His blue eyes are almost black in the dim light. He looks so hungry, so passionate, that I can’t turn him down. I nod, my chin quivering. I’m setting myself up to be heartbroken. Why can’t I say no?
“I just feel like I need to know everything about you.”
Anything but that. That is the one thing I can’t give him. His eyes burn mine, and my eyes suddenly feel dry and hot and they start watering. Red skirts the fire and walks up to us then.
“Hey you two. David, we’re down to about two weeks of meat. I was thinking we could take a trip up the mountain and go hunting.” Red sits down on the log next to us and stretches his legs out toward the fire.
Dave leans away from me. “You hear about the supply drop? Meds. Two days from now.”
“Seattle?” Red says, and Dave nods. “That’s bad timing.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Who’s going?” Red asks.
“I figured Mary—she knows Seattle better than anyone. I asked Jack but he said no. Funny about it, too.”
Red’s eyes are steely. “We have to send someone with a tracker. Someone who hasn’t been for a while.” He looks at his arm. There are nine numbers in silvery ink on a faint ridge of flesh. “I haven’t been for eight months. I think it’s my turn again. And before you say anything, let’s agree. I’m too old. But maybe the scanners won’t pay me too much attention.”
Dave is about to say more, his mouth in a tight, quivering line. But he doesn’t. He stares at Red for a moment then shrugs. “Mary then, you, me, and probably Sam or one of the other guys.”
“I think Terra should go too, Dave.”
Dave steps back.
Red holds up his hands. “I knew you wouldn’t want to. But it’ll help things around here. Very few of us trust her. If we take her to Seattle and she doesn’t give us away, I think that could say a lot to some people.”
Like Mary, I think.
Dave shakes his head, but says, “You’re right, Red. I don’t like it, but you’re right.”
“We’ll talk about the hunt when we get back,” Red says.
Dave nods. I want to unfold the worry and sadness there.
“We could have Terra come along up the mountain, show her where we get the good food.” Red smiles. Dave snaps back to attention.
“Terra? Oh yeah, hunting up the mountain. That would be a good idea. We’ll definitely need more meat soon, and it’ll be fun to show her more of what we do around here. Have you been hunting much?”
I shake my head. I haven’t been hunting in my entire life. The only meat we eat in the colony is fish, but those are farm-raised. I have no idea how a wild animal goes from in the wild one moment to lying ready to eat on your plate a little while later.
“Good, then you can come. It’s almost thirty miles to the hills, so we always leave early. And we camp out. It’s fun, really. Work, but fun.”
He smiles, but only with his mouth, not his eyes. The hunting trip does sound like fun. But the supply drop hangs in the air like a thunderhead ready to burst.