Chapter Five
I rub aloe on my arms as I watch Jessa put the last touches on the maze of curls and braids she has transformed her hair into. It took her an hour to do her hair. Jessa isn’t usually high maintenance, but she is willing to spend time on her hair. It’s 18:20, and Matt and Brant will be here in forty minutes. Jessa is already in her skirt and top, but my stomach keeps flipping and my hands shake as I try to zip up my red dress, making putting on the flimsy piece of fabric nearly impossible.
I growl in frustration as my unsteady hands slip from the zipper again. Jessa does it for me.
“Seriously, Terra, calm down. Take a deep breath or something. I know this is your first date in a while, but you’ll be fine. Really.”
I give her a weak smile. Just let her think that’s what is giving me anxiety. It’s the easiest explanation I can offer her. Then she snags my hand as she pulls away from the zipper, and she looks into my eyes. Her face—like looking into a reflection, except for the slightly upturned nose, the narrower chin—is so like mine. But we are so completely different, and I’ll miss it. My throat catches with a sudden ache as I think of leaving her forever. Her green eyes continue to bore into mine with a stare that becomes too perceptive. I slip into my shoes.
“You doing alright?” she asks, still holding my hand. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
If I didn’t know better, I would have thought she is talking about my leaving. And I almost shout out, “Yes I do! And you can come with me!”
What will I do without her? And what will her life be like without me? Will she miss me? Will she just go off with Brant and live happily ever after? I hope so because she belongs here. I’m selfish to think of taking her with me. I catch her up in a fierce embrace.
“Love you, Jessa. Always have.”
She laughs. “Love you, too.” Then she pulls back and looks at me again, the laugh still playing with her mouth. “You’re weird.”
I make a face at her and turn so she can’t see my eyes full of tears. She slips a few sparkling barrettes into my hair.
Gram knocks on the door. Then I hear her giggle. Giggle? Gram? Jessa and I look at each other. I didn’t know Gram could giggle. Jessa opens the door.
Gram sweeps her arms open for a double hug. Gram smells of freesia and nutritionally optimized bread slices, and I breathe it in deeply. She pats my head.
“You both look lovely. I’m thrilled you’re going together. I’ll be there for a little while, at least, and I’m excited to watch you dance.”
I look at her clothes then, and she’s dressed up too, and her hair is neatly combed into soft, silver curls around her face. She beams at us.
I will have to stay at the dance long enough to convince Gram I’m having a good time and would dance all night long if I could. I squeeze her hand and give her a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Oh, and Terra. Matt’s here already.”
I freeze. He’s five minutes early. I haven’t prepared myself for this. I had thought and rethought what to pack, the quickest route to the submarine dock, what I will say if I run into someone along the way. But it hadn’t crossed my mind what I will actually do with this boy tonight. Gram turns to go out into the common room, and Jessa grabs my arm when it looks like I’m not going to follow her.
“He’s just a guy, Terra,” she says. “Calm down.”
I let her lead me into the room.
Matt stands next to the door, and he has a rose in his hand. A flower? I don’t even know his last name, and he’s giving me a flower on our first date. He holds it out to me. Then he notices my lobster skin and stutters.
“Y-y-you look nice,” he says, as I take the flower. Gram bustles around finding a vase for it.
“Thanks.” I glare at him. Why is he so nice to me? I’m just going to ditch him in a few hours. He looks down.
“Do you want to go already, or do you want to wait for your sister?”
“Um, let’s wait for Jessa and Brant.”
He can’t think of anything else to say, and the look on my face tells him there isn’t anything else to say, so he just rubs the toe of his shoe on the back of his pant leg and waits.
Awkward. Completely, totally awkward. And why not? Why should the last night of my life in the colony be any different from any other day I’ve spent here?
There is a knock at the door and Jessa opens it for Brant. He offers her a carnation and she throws her arms around his neck and kisses him. Dad comes out of his room and clears his throat. Jessa pulls back.
“Well, you all behave yourselves, and I’ll see you there in a little bit.”
That is all he says, and I raise my eyebrows, expecting more. Matt must too because he avoids my dad’s eyes and blushes until the tips of his ears are bright red. But if this is the extent of Dad’s words of wisdom for the evening, I’m definitely going to take it. But then he grabs my arm as we walk through the door.
“But don’t think I’m done with you yet, young lady.” His voice is a whisper. “I feel like you’re dangerously close to doing something stupid, and I don’t want to lose you. Just like your mother, regardless of what you think about that situation. We’re having a long chat tomorrow during your personal reflection time. Got it?” He does his best to keep his face composed, but his eyes still shine.
I nod. There won’t be a tomorrow.
The dance is in the atrium every year. The atrium is a large gallery next to the main submarine dock. The colony council gathers here to welcome people visiting from other colonies, as well as holds colony meetings and celebrations. It’s a large bubble of borosilicate separated from the main colony by a tunnel. A single metal stilt plunged into the ocean floor supports the bubble, and a glass floor cuts the bubble in half, so it looks like you’re suspended in the middle of the ocean in an air bubble. The effect is pretty spectacular—if you don’t have issues with the black ocean crushing everything in sight.
Loud music plays through the dim lights. People swirl and sway to the music. It all melts into a blur of movement, color, and sound as Jessa and Brant lead the way into the middle of the bubble and join the rhythm of the couples dancing around us.
Matt dances next to me, his long, skinny arm bumping my shoulder as we move in contrary directions. He tries to stay near me as I try to make more room for myself. He brushes my hand as I take it away and cup it to my mouth to whisper some made-up secret to Jessa. She watches with a bemused smirk on her face. I should never have talked myself into this, thinking it a brilliant excuse for a chance to leave the colony. Is it worth this?
I imagine what one of the fish down here would see, if they weren’t blind. A bubble floating through the ocean, filled with people moving to some unknown command, smiles on their faces, all flash and color, but nowhere to go. There would never be a change, it would always be stagnant. Just the same, eternal bubble floating with the same music, the same conversations, the same people.
Then the music stops, and the ebb and rise of the dancing stops, and we all turn to the podium. Dad makes his way up there to give his traditional Summer Dance Speech, and already the applause ripples across the crowd. I lean toward Matt, and he eats up this first show of wanting contact.
“I’m going to go get a drink.”
He leans away, disappointed. But he rallies. “Would you like me to get it for you?”
“That’s okay.” I’m already walking away. “I heard my dad practicing this earlier. But you should stay and listen, it’s great.”
The crowd parts regretfully for me. No one should miss this, they seem to say. This is the summer dance, the highlight of our year. Stay! Stay!
But if this is the highlight, what does that say about all the rest of it? I feel a tug on my dress.
“Terra!” Jessa’s there, with her hands on her hips. “What do you think you’re doing?”
I swallow, looking around. Has it been that obvious what my plan was all along? I panic and my throat dries up.
“Thir
sty.”
“I don’t mean about that. I mean with Matt. Can’t you see he’s totally bonked for you, and you’re blowing him off. What’s the deal?”
I look at her helplessly. What can I say? Yeah, I know, I just came so I could run away without anyone stopping me anytime soon. But it can only go two ways: Jessa will laugh at me, or she’ll try to stop me with everything she’s worth. And I can’t gamble with those odds. So I just shrug my shoulders.
“I’m taking a quick break. You know, getting a drink and regrouping. I’m trying, Jessa, really I am.”
Jessa relaxes. “Yeah, alright. I’m sorry. I’m just really determined to have tonight be fun for both of us.”
She always wants everything to be fun for me. I hug her again, and I know it will be the last time.
“Thanks, Jessa. For everything.”
“Wow, don’t over do it,” she says, laughing. She turns to go back to Brant and Matt. “I’ll see you later.”
I can barely nod.
My dad’s voice echoes off all the hard surfaces of the bubble as I leave and wind my way through the corridors. There are watchers everywhere, and they record my every step, but it won’t mean anything until it is too late. Everyone is behind me. Once they realize I’m gone they’ll comb through the archives to follow me on my path through this corridor, along the transport that takes me to the vocation quarter, through three more corridors to the research submarine dock. They will see my panicked, determined, terrified, elated face as I sigh in relief that it is vacant.
Dad will no doubt watch as I walk to the single-man submarine bobbing gently in the water, moored by the robotic arm that provides both its power and diagnostic reports. Dad will watch this part for sure, and I ache for his grief—grief that I have helped linger. So I look around for the closest watcher. I turn to it so it can see my whole face.
“I love you. I love you all,” I say before I get in the sub and turn my back on the colony forever.