“Because I didn’t want to hurt . . . ” Jaden begins, but then he stops himself, his words tapering off. Slowly, his face falls as a new realization dawns on him. He is doing exactly what I have done—he is struggling to break their hearts. “Oh.”
“That’s how I felt about you, Jaden.” Maybe he will understand my reasoning now, maybe he will realize that the reason it was too difficult to tell him is because I care about him. I squeeze his hands even tighter beneath mine, and even though I am still trembling a little, all I want is to be near him, close to him. “I am sorry I didn’t find the right moment. I am sorry you found out the way that you did. I am sorry that I’ve disappointed you.” I feel a tear break free and roll down my cheek, dripping onto the wooden table.
“Ah, Kenz,” Jaden says. He slides his hands out from beneath mine and then places his on top instead, his cold, calloused thumbs tracing a pattern over my skin. “I didn’t mean to yell at you last night,” he says, looking at me earnestly. His expression is softer now. “It was a lot to take in at once, and I am been mad at you, but I get it now. I guess I just thought that you were taking Holden’s side. It makes sense that you’d want to protect your best friend.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. Another tear falls, and then another. “I mean, I do, but not in these circumstances. I am on your side, Jaden. The right side. You have already been through so much, and I just needed some time to figure out how to break the news to you, but I couldn’t bear the thought of it because . . .” Here it goes, I think. I have wanted to tell Jaden for a while now. I wanted to tell him last year. I wanted to tell him last night, and I tried to, but I didn’t get the chance. And he needs to know. He needs to know where my head is at. I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling the damp warmth of my tears on my eyelashes, and I take a deep breath. “Because I am in love with you, Jaden,” I whisper. “I never stopped.”
I wait for a moment before my eyes flicker open again. Jaden is staring back across the table at me, his cold hands covering mine, and he seems to be analyzing my expression. Then, he stands up and slides into the bench alongside me, so I turn to face him. He is closer now, only inches away, our eyes locked.
“Kenz, do you know that you drive me fucking crazy?” he asks, with a small hint of a smile. He moves his hand to my jaw, gently cupping my face, tilting his head toward me. “Because you do. But,” he whispers, “I’ll take it, because I never stopped loving you either.” He leans forward and presses his cool lips to my temple, holding me close to him as I shut my eyes.
Relief floods through me in one huge wave and it is so powerful that it creates new, fresh tears. Happy ones this time. I haven’t ruined everything. I love Jaden, and he loves me, even after everything that I have done. We are going to be absolutely, entirely okay. It is a bizarre thought. Weeks ago, we weren’t even talking. And now we are here together. Everything is out in the open, and after an entire year, we have finally found our way back to what we used to be.
“Promise me one thing, Kenz,” Jaden murmurs, leaning back. His hand remains against my jaw.
“Anything.”
“No running away again, okay?” With his free hand, he tilts my chin so that he can look straight into my eyes, though I hate the look of fear there is in his. “Because right now, with all of this going on, I kind of need you again.”
“I’m here, Jaden. I’m not going anywhere,” I reassure him, closing my eyes again and pressing my cheek against his palm. I am never, ever letting him down again. I am here for good.
Just as I’m about to press my body closer against Jaden’s, I hear a tremendous screeching of tires against the asphalt of the parking lot. Immediately, my head jerks up and I crane my neck to glance behind me. It is impossible to miss Will’s bright red Jeep as he races toward us, skidding to an abrupt halt several feet away. Within seconds, he is frantically rolling down his window, desperately waving me over.
“Kenzie!” he yells, his cheeks flaring red. Something is wrong. “He’s going!”
I run over, a sickening feeling building in the pit of my stomach. “Will, what?”
“Holden!” Will says, shaking his head fast. “He’s turning himself into the cops right fucking now!”
My heart feels as though it has fallen straight into my stomach and that sickening feeling turns into a painful punch. “Oh my God,” I breathe. “No. We should be there!” I press my hands to my forehead and glance back over to Jaden, who looks equally shocked. Holden is about to throw his life away.
“If we’re fast, we can catch him,” Will says.
Quickly, Jaden gets to his feet and grabs my wrist. There is a determined look in his eyes and he pulls me toward the Jeep, his steps quick. “Will, take us over there.”
My mind is racing with questions as I climb into the back seat of the Jeep. Jaden gets into the passenger seat, and he has barely even shut his door before Will slams his foot down on the gas. I am so taken aback that I feel as though I am in a trance. I hate that Holden’s doing this. I hate that we don’t know what will happen. I hate that we’re not there with him. I hate that he’s alone.
I lean forward, grabbing onto the headrest. “What the hell is he doing, Will!”
Will throws a hand up in exasperation. I don’t think he knows what’s going on, either. “I was giving him a ride home and I was just . . . I was just trying to keep pushing him into coming over here to talk with you guys, telling him it would be the right thing to do, and that it would be pretty pathetic if he didn’t. He was silent the entire time, and we were stopped at a set of lights on Main when he just said, ‘Fuck it’, and jumped out!” he explains, his words spilling out of his mouth. “He ran straight across the street to the station!”
Jaden sits there in silence, fidgeting and shaking his head to himself infrequently. Anyone would think he’d be thrilled that Holden is finally facing up to what he’s done, but instead Jaden just looks uncomfortable.
I feel sick. Confused. Faint. The police department isn’t far, just around the corner, right across the street from Windsor High. We are only a minute away, but every second feels like a minute itself. We need to find Holden. I need to tell him it will be okay. He is doing the right thing at last, but he doesn’t have to do it like this. There must be another way. Maybe the Hunters wouldn’t want the investigation reopened. Maybe Uncle Matt could help, give him some advice at least.
We turn off Main Street and speed past the school campus. I can see the station on our left, and Will makes a sharp turn into the parking lot. We are in a race against time, so he pulls up diagonally over a row of empty spots. “Go!” he yells.
Please, Holden, no. No, no, no.
I sprint across the lot toward the building and I can hear Jaden close behind me. We can’t be too late. We have to find Holden. All I can do as I run those final few steps toward the main entrance is pray that he hasn’t yet had the chance to speak to an officer. He hasn’t even spoken to his parents, for God’s sake! I pray that he is still standing in the reception area, anxious and pulling on his hair, that he’s not in there going through this alone.
With Jaden by my side, I burst through the main entrance and into the reception. It is silent aside from a phone ringing behind the desk, and my own hurried breathing. Jaden steps forward, glancing around, and the lady behind the desk looks at us expectantly from behind the glass partition as she picks up the phone. Seconds later, Will comes bounding through the door behind us and bumps straight into me.
“Where is he?” he pants, stopping next to me.
There is no one here. There are doors either side of the reception area, and they are both closed, though not for long. The door on the right swings open and a bulky, broad-shouldered officer with graying hair steps through. He stops, surprised to see us standing here, all three of us on edge.
“Is there something I can help you guys with?” he asks, but I am not listening.
I am looking over his shoulder and down the long stretch of hallway behind him on the
other side of the door. I am looking at Holden, and I am looking at my uncle Matt. I open my mouth, ready to yell something, but there is nothing I can say. There is nothing I can do.
They have their backs to us as Matt leads Holden down the hallway, and that’s it: We’re too late. Holden is entering the unknown. Dread consumes me as I watch Matt come to a stop, pushing open a door and motioning for Holden to step inside. I’m not sure if Jaden and Will are breathing, but I’m certainly not.
Holden steps forward, but he casts a quick glance over his shoulder, and that’s when his eyes meet mine. They are a dark ocean of every single emotion he is feeling right now. There is the overwhelming worry of the unknown. There is a deep sadness. But there’s also something I can’t put my finger on, something that I can’t quite read. And then it hits me.
It’s relief. His eyes have given up all the anger and dread of this morning, and now all that’s left is relief. He is facing up to his biggest fear; he is finally doing it. The unbearable weight of the past year is at last going to be lifted.
His swollen eyes travel to Will, and then to Jaden. And, for the first time in a year, they look at each other in exactly the same way. They see each other, their own remorse reflected in the other’s face. The moment seems to go on for hours, each man looking at the other as though he were staring in a mirror. Then, slowly, Holden gives a single nod, eyes still fixed on Jaden. Slowly, but surely, Jaden reciprocates. Exhaling, Holden finally tilts his head to the floor. That’s when he steps into the room, and Uncle Matt follows in behind him, clicking the door shut.
Everything feels the same, even though we know it will be different from this moment on. The phone has stopped ringing, and the lobby feels still and empty once more.
Jaden steps in front of me and his anxious eyes meet mine. I can tell he didn’t want this to happen, not like this. Moving closer, he wraps his arms around me, enclosing me in his firm embrace and holding me tight against his body. I feel secure against his strong shoulders, and as my tears break free, I wrap my arms around him too and we fit together, folding into each other. He buries his face into the crook of my neck, his breath warm against my skin, and he murmurs, “I really am going to need you now, Kenz.”
I press my face against the soft material of his hoodie, tightening my arms around his torso, and I listen to the steady beating of his heart as I nod against his body, my eyes squeezed shut. “I’m here,” I whisper.
And this time, I really am.
Estelle Maskame, Dare to Fall
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