CHAPTER XV.
_Showing how Mrs Tow-wouse was a little mollified; and how officious MrBarnabas and the surgeon were to prosecute the thief: with adissertation accounting for their zeal, and that of many other personsnot mentioned in this history._
Betty told her mistress she believed the man in bed was a greater manthan they took him for; for, besides the extreme whiteness of his skin,and the softness of his hands, she observed a very great familiaritybetween the gentleman and him; and added, she was certain they wereintimate acquaintance, if not relations.
This somewhat abated the severity of Mrs Tow-wouse's countenance. Shesaid, "God forbid she should not discharge the duty of a Christian,since the poor gentleman was brought to her house. She had a naturalantipathy to vagabonds; but could pity the misfortunes of a Christianas soon as another." Tow-wouse said, "If the traveller be a gentleman,though he hath no money about him now, we shall most likely be paidhereafter; so you may begin to score whenever you will." Mrs Tow-wouseanswered, "Hold your simple tongue, and don't instruct me in mybusiness. I am sure I am sorry for the gentleman's misfortune with allmy heart; and I hope the villain who hath used him so barbarously willbe hanged. Betty, go see what he wants. God forbid he should wantanything in my house."
Barnabas and the surgeon went up to Joseph to satisfy themselvesconcerning the piece of gold; Joseph was with difficulty prevailed uponto show it them, but would by no entreaties be brought to deliver it outof his own possession. He however attested this to be the same which hadbeen taken from him, and Betty was ready to swear to the finding it onthe thief.
The only difficulty that remained was, how to produce this gold beforethe justice; for as to carrying Joseph himself, it seemed impossible;nor was there any great likelihood of obtaining it from him, for he hadfastened it with a ribband to his arm, and solemnly vowed that nothingbut irresistible force should ever separate them; in which resolution,Mr Adams, clenching a fist rather less than the knuckle of an ox,declared he would support him.
A dispute arose on this occasion concerning evidence not very necessaryto be related here; after which the surgeon dressed Mr Joseph's head,still persisting in the imminent danger in which his patient lay, butconcluding, with a very important look, "That he began to have somehopes; that he should send him a sanative soporiferous draught, andwould see him in the morning." After which Barnabas and he departed, andleft Mr Joseph and Mr Adams together.
Adams informed Joseph of the occasion of this journey which he wasmaking to London, namely, to publish three volumes of sermons; beingencouraged, as he said, by an advertisement lately set forth by thesociety of booksellers, who proposed to purchase any copies offered tothem, at a price to be settled by two persons; but though he imagined heshould get a considerable sum of money on this occasion, which hisfamily were in urgent need of, he protested he would not leave Joseph inhis present condition: finally, he told him, "He had nine shillings andthreepence halfpenny in his pocket, which he was welcome to use ashe pleased."
This goodness of parson Adams brought tears into Joseph's eyes; hedeclared, "He had now a second reason to desire life, that he might showhis gratitude to such a friend." Adams bade him "be cheerful; for thathe plainly saw the surgeon, besides his ignorance, desired to make amerit of curing him, though the wounds in his head, he perceived, wereby no means dangerous; that he was convinced he had no fever, anddoubted not but he would be able to travel in a day or two."
These words infused a spirit into Joseph; he said, "He found himselfvery sore from the bruises, but had no reason to think any of his bonesinjured, or that he had received any harm in his inside, unless that hefelt something very odd in his stomach; but he knew not whether thatmight not arise from not having eaten one morsel for above twenty-fourhours." Being then asked if he had any inclination to eat, he answeredin the affirmative. Then parson Adams desired him to "name what he hadthe greatest fancy for; whether a poached egg, or chicken-broth." Heanswered, "He could eat both very well; but that he seemed to have thegreatest appetite for a piece of boiled beef and cabbage."
Adams was pleased with so perfect a confirmation that he had not theleast fever, but advised him to a lighter diet for that evening. Heaccordingly ate either a rabbit or a fowl, I never could with anytolerable certainty discover which; after this he was, by MrsTow-wouse's order, conveyed into a better bed and equipped with one ofher husband's shirts.
In the morning early, Barnabas and the surgeon came to the inn, in orderto see the thief conveyed before the justice. They had consumed thewhole night in debating what measures they should take to produce thepiece of gold in evidence against him; for they were both extremelyzealous in the business, though neither of them were in the leastinterested in the prosecution; neither of them had ever received anyprivate injury from the fellow, nor had either of them ever beensuspected of loving the publick well enough to give them a sermon or adose of physic for nothing.
To help our reader, therefore, as much as possible to account for thiszeal, we must inform him that, as this parish was so unfortunate as tohave no lawyer in it, there had been a constant contention between thetwo doctors, spiritual and physical, concerning their abilities in ascience, in which, as neither of them professed it, they had equalpretensions to dispute each other's opinions. These disputes werecarried on with great contempt on both sides, and had almost divided theparish; Mr Tow-wouse and one half of the neighbours inclining to thesurgeon, and Mrs Tow-wouse with the other half to the parson. Thesurgeon drew his knowledge from those inestimable fountains, called TheAttorney's Pocket Companion, and Mr Jacob's Law-Tables; Barnabas trustedentirely to Wood's Institutes. It happened on this occasion, as waspretty frequently the case, that these two learned men differed aboutthe sufficiency of evidence; the doctor being of opinion that the maid'soath would convict the prisoner without producing the gold; the parson,_e contra, totis viribus._ To display their parts, therefore, beforethe justice and the parish, was the sole motive which we can discover tothis zeal which both of them pretended to have for public justice.
O Vanity! how little is thy force acknowledged, or thy operationsdiscerned! How wantonly dost thou deceive mankind under differentdisguises! Sometimes thou dost wear the face of pity, sometimes ofgenerosity: nay, thou hast the assurance even to put on those gloriousornaments which belong only to heroic virtue. Thou odious, deformedmonster! whom priests have railed at, philosophers despised, and poetsridiculed; is there a wretch so abandoned as to own thee for anacquaintance in public?--yet, how few will refuse to enjoy thee inprivate? nay, thou art the pursuit of most men through their lives. Thegreatest villainies are daily practised to please thee; nor is themeanest thief below, or the greatest hero above, thy notice. Thyembraces are often the sole aim and sole reward of the private robberyand the plundered province. It is to pamper up thee, thou harlot, thatwe attempt to withdraw from others what we do not want, or to withholdfrom them what they do. All our passions are thy slaves. Avarice itselfis often no more than thy handmaid, and even Lust thy pimp. The bullyFear, like a coward, flies before thee, and Joy and Grief hide theirheads in thy presence.
I know thou wilt think that whilst I abuse thee I court thee, and thatthy love hath inspired me to write this sarcastical panegyric on thee;but thou art deceived: I value thee not of a farthing; nor will it giveme any pain if thou shouldst prevail on the reader to censure thisdigression as arrant nonsense; for know, to thy confusion, that I haveintroduced thee for no other purpose than to lengthen out a shortchapter, and so I return to my history.