AWESOME!
Dancing when you’re home alone
Get your groove on long.
Get your groove on strong.
After all, maybe you’re hanging with a heavy heart, burning with a hot temper, or snowed in after a bad day. If there’s a black cloud hanging over your head, there’s no cheaper cure than having a solo dance party in the comfort of your place.
Just lock that door, shutter those blinds, and crank the bumping thumping music, baby. Because it’s time to get down with the get down:• The Microphone. Wooden spoons are ideal but there are good substitutes like toothbrushes, Swiffer dusters, or hair dryers. Just don’t trip on the cord.
• The Crowd. It’s all about mirrors. Nod and let them nod right back at you. Watch them mouth the words and raise their fists with yours. What a beautiful audience.
• The Critics. There are none! This is the best part. Nobody says you’re singing out of key so just wail till you can’t wail no more. For bonus points get your voice so loud and dirty it scratches the back of your throat.
• The Wardrobe. You’ve got a few costume options including the classic ripped raggedy T-shirt and pair of faded sweats. There’s also underwear only or even full-on living room nude. Relax, you look great. Time to rock out.
Yes, we’ve all been home alone and sometimes it’s fun to spin your head into the moment. So come on and turn it on, crank it up, and just shake it baby, shake it baby, shake it like that.
AWESOME!
Getting tucked in
Bedtime is terrible.
TV flicks off, friends go home, sun dips down, and you’re all alone.
But just before you fall asleep sometimes there’s a little treat.
Just before you drift to dreams sometimes there’s a little scene.
Just before you fade away sometimes there’s a little left to say.
Mom or dad slips through your door, they sit and smile on your bed, and then they swipe your shaggy hair right across your forehead. They smooth out the covers and squeeze them up to your chin as they smile and ask how your day has been.
Sometimes there’s a story, sometimes there’s a book, sometimes there’s just smiling, sometimes there’s a look. But no matter what, we all know that tiny moment of cozy comfort always feels like a warm and loving moment of
AWESOME!
The sound of a solid crack from a good break in billiards
I am a terrible pool player.
Yet, despite this, whenever someone at a bar asks me to play against them or be their partner, I’m like sure, yeah, I’m totally in.
I mean, I’m having a good time, I’m in a good mood, so I sort of tipsily swagger over to the cue rack on the wall and pretend to be sizing them up. “Oh man, all the good ones are gone,” I always say extremely loudly, my eyes darting around at the other players with a sad little “Yeah, it’s true” head nod, being careful to plant seeds of disappointment early so nobody expects me to actually sink a ball.
After that, I begin a desperate search for chalk. “Gotta have some chalk, gotta have some chalk,” I’ll mumble, as I walk in circles around the pool table, looking underneath it and in all the pockets until I find some. And when I do, I really go to town. Honestly, I rub my pool cue in that chalk and twist it around tightly, and then I flare the edges to cover up all the missed spots.
If all goes according to plan, I’ll keep chalking my cue until somebody breaks. The goal here is to avoid eye contact until the game starts, because otherwise I might be asked to break, and that’s never a pretty sight.
No, the four or five times I’ve foolishly agreed to kick off the game ended up embarrassing everyone involved. I’ll generally skid the cue off the side of the cue ball, sending it wildly spinning directly into a side pocket. Or I’ll get under the ball by accident and send it flying across the bar, where it’ll softly roll up against the boot of some ponytailed, tattooed biker dude, who will then shoot me a cold, piercing stare and begin punching his fist into his palm.
No, it’s better for everyone if I avoid the break. Frankly, I shouldn’t even be playing.
But what I will do is peek up from my obsessive chalking so that I can watch the break, because I love the break, because the break is great. I mean, it’s an explosive crack that rises above the background bar buzz and captures everyone’s attention as the balls fly in all directions.
The sound of a solid crack from a good break in billiards is the sound of a good fifteen to twenty minutes of fun getting started. And it’s the sound of people enjoying themselves with a couple of drinks, some good friends, and a great night.
And that sounds a lot like
AWESOME!
When a baby falls asleep on you
You’re a human pillow.
Feel that tiny heart beating on your chest, that strawberry-sized hand gripping your finger, and those baby powder breaths softly whispering in and out ...
When you were a little baby you fell asleep on people all the time. Now that you’re all grown up you’re helping another life on its way. And just think: One day way off in the distance this softly sleeping snuggler will be doing the exact same thing for someone else.
AWESOME!
Giant morning stretches accompanied by stupid noises
Crack that back.
Everybody’s got their own gorilla jungle noises when they wake up in the morning. Here’s a few famous moves for waking up your bones:1. The Insane Wiggle. This one’s the classic. There’s no focus and direction here—you’re just twisting and turning in a crumpled lump of sheets and twisted blankets. Maybe you squeeze your face into your pillow, pull your legs into your chest, or just let out some long deep grunts to feel the stretchy buzz in the small of your back.
2. The Starfish. This is where you lie in bed and stretch your arms up to the sides and your legs down and out. The starfish works best if your girlfriend’s out of town or you manage to land a night in a king-size hotel bed by yourself. Arty nerds might refer to this move as The Vitruvian Man.
3. The Old Man Can Walk Again. When I lived in Boston, my roommate Joey was famous for this. You’d hear his bedroom door creak open and he’d slowly inch out—hunched over in a stained undershirt and baggy boxers, blindly touch-feeling his way to the bathroom without his glasses on. Eventually he’d give a few wheezy groans and stretch up like he was getting out of his wheelchair for the first time in years.
4. The Yogi Master. These people actually do real stretches when they wake up. They might even throw their hair in a ponytail, lay down a mat, and jump into a tight black unitard.
5. The Cobra. Here’s where you stretch your spine out by leaning up like a cobra. For full effect make sure to throw a few hisses and menacing head fakes at your sleeping husband.
6. The Safety Stretch. Your bed buddy is sleeping in a little later so you’re careful not to wake them up. Watch the grunts, watch the groans, and stretch out nice and quietly, people. Sure, it’s not as rewarding a stretch but it beats accidentally punching them in the temple while they’re drooling and dreaming.
7. The Ballet Dancer. Prop one foot up on the radiator and lean forward like you’re about to hit the stage. (Tutu optional but recommended.)
8. The Dog Leg. That big dog stretch sends all your molecules zooming around so fast that one leg just starts pounding the mattress uncontrollably. Your thumping dog leg lets you know the stretch is working.
Now, no matter your style, it sure feels great to stretch that spine, get the blood flowing, and pop all your bones into place.
Bring on the day!
AWESOME!
Glue movies
What’s your glue movie?
For me, I’m completely sucked in anytime I accidentally stumble on A League of Their Own while flipping channels. Yes, watching Tom Hanks and Geena Davis scratch out wins on the diamond always hooks me like a fish till the credits roll.
See, glue movies are any movie you can’t stop watching whenever you see it on TV.
r /> Nope, don’t matter how many times you’ve seen ’em, don’t matter if you own ’em, don’t matter if you don’t—just forget the laundry, skip the dishes, and make your lunch tomorrow. You’re stuck in a glue movie so start popping corn and pouring sodas because you’re not going anywhere.
Now, I was chilling in my friends Nick and Julie’s basement apartment one night when we started chatting about glue movies. After I spent five minutes spilling potato chip crumbs all over my T-shirt while describing Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell’s on-field chemistry, Nick started up a rant of his own.
“You know, you would think my glue movie would be The Usual Suspects,” he began. “I can pick it up anywhere and knowing the twist makes every scene more interesting. Like, what’s true, what’s made up? I’ve seen it twenty times and I still don’t know. But then again, it’s completely unwatchable when edited for television. In the police lineup scene they say something like ‘Hand me the keys, you very large cockroach.’ It’s awful. So ... now that I think about it, my glue movie is definitely Heat. Long movie, understated performance by De Niro, best bank-robbing scene in history, and enough relationship stuff so Julie gets into it.”
It was a good argument and Nick was satisfied with it. He took a long swig of his drink and nodded his head a little bit as he came to terms with his glue movie selection. Then there was a pause while I licked my fingers and fished out the last crumby triangle of potato chips from my chip bag before Julie went off like a rocket:
“My movie is definitely The Mighty Ducks 2,” she started, excitedly. Nick and I raised eyebrows, but she ramped up. “Look, I’m smiling just thinking about it. I had a crush on all the boys from the first movie, but now I can only responsibly love them closer to the legal age of consent. Plus, they had a girl on the team and I always dreamed of being that female hero. And I generally love movies with kids because they remind you of actors before they were big. I mean, I loved Joshua Jackson in Dawson’s Creek because of the ducks,” she finished.
Nick shrugged and nodded, I furrowed my eyebrows and gave a tentative thumbs-up, but Julie wasn’t quite done.
“Oh yeah!” She beamed. “And the movie taught me everything I know about hockey, which can be summarized in three words: Ducks fly together. This is what I yell whenever I walk by and Nick’s watching it on TV.”
We smiled and laughed because it was clear these movies really do hold a special place in our hearts.
Maybe you’re glued to the screen waiting for the redemption in Shawshank, nervous for the courtroom drama in My Cousin Vinny, or eager for the final Quidditch match in Harry Potter.
But no matter what, watching your glue movie is like hanging out with an old friend who pops by for an unexpected visit. After you pour a drink and settle into your couch dent, the memory pops and nostalgia drops start sparking and sizzling in your brain. Suddenly you’re reminded of drives to the mall in mom’s minivan, crashing on basement couches with friends, or sharing old faves with a new flame.
So get stuck in your glue movies and just enjoy them, everybody.
They’ll be yours forever.
AWESOME!
Watching cream go into coffee
Swirling seas of milky white twist and twirl like strange and distant galaxies in the far corners of outer space. As you grab a rushed coffee break in the chatty workplace cafeteria or cutlery-clinking dining hall, just stare deeply into your chipped ceramic telescope and enjoy the two-second escape from reality to watch those floating clouds mix and melt deep into the swirling darkness.
AWESOME!
When the hiccups stop
How do you get rid of a bad case of The Hics?
Brother, I don’t know about you, but in my neck of the woods it’s all about the junk science techniques. Yes, when your diaphragm starts spazzing, it’s time to keep cool, keep calm, keep collected, and try one of these:1. The Backwards Sip. Tilt your chin to your chest and drink upside down from the wrong side of a glass of water. Wet bangs, stinging eyes, and a drippy forehead mean you did it right.
2. Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice. Some people say eating a spoonful of sugar or gargling with sugar water helps. Hey, any cure that sounds delicious works for me, so I say give it a shot. While you’re at it, try scarfing a couple Kit-Kats for that bum knee and chugging a few cans of Coke for that eyelash stuck in your eye.
3. The Surprise Attack. This is when you think someone scaring you will frighten the hiccups away. Of course, popping a paper bag behind you or clapping in your ear isn’t going to cut it. No, this only works when somebody shoves you off a tall skyscraper ledge onto a properly rigged-up safety net forty stories below.
4. The Deep-Sea Diver. Fill your lungs up, pop your belly out, and hold your breath as long as possible. If all goes according to plan, your face will look hilarious to all your friends.
Now, come on, let’s face facts: None of these usually works so you’re stuck pulling off The Annoying Wait. You think they’re gone, but they’re not, and then you think they’re gone again, but then they’re actually not again, and then you think they’re really gone for sure this time.
And then they actually are.
And in that beautiful moment you just stare up at everybody around you with a sweaty face, tired eyes, and a slow smile curling onto your face. Because when the hiccups finally stop, it’s a giant swooshing sensation of sweet relief and a great big moment of
AWESOME!
Finding something you lost a long time ago after you already gave up looking for it
It happened late one night.
Cruising down the highway, heading home from the airport, my friend Shiv absentmindedly rifled through my passenger-side door full of old computer-printed directions, parking stubs, and cracked jewel cases.
“What’s this?” she asked, popping open a flimsy case and pulling out a dusty, scratched-up mix CD. “It just has the date marked on it with a Sharpie. Uh, let’s see, what happened on November 8, 2008?”
“No way!” I said, glancing to my side and seeing one of my favorite mixes ever, which I thought I lost two years ago. My mind suddenly flashed back to late summer nights zooming up the highway to my parents’ place listening to those tunes after long nights with lost loves ...
But isn’t it always like that?
Finding something you lost long ago after you gave up looking for it is such a great high because you already lived through the emotions: Phase 1: The Alarm. This is when your sunglasses or bus pass first go missing. It hits you like a rubber mallet to the forehead when you first realize it’s gone. Poof, just like that, as if your digital watch or favorite pen grew legs and bolted out of town.
Phase 2: The Search. Next you organize the neighbors and head into the foggy night holding lanterns and pitchforks and linking elbows while you comb the cornfields until dawn. The next few days are a blurry haze of sleepless nights as you lie on a blanket on the damp riverbank watching the police boats drag the bottom for clues.
Phase 3: The Grieve. The trawler nets can’t locate your cell phone or favorite glittery lip gloss so you’re forced to face facts and come to grips with reality. It’s gone, gone, gone like the wind, and now all that remains are long rambly stories late at the bar and lonely nights sobbing into your pillow.
People, I know it hurts, but we’ve all been there.
After you’ve lost, searched, and come up empty, you move on. Time helps, distance helps, but the memories never disappear. You try downloading songs from the mix tape and piecing them back together, and you buy a new digital camera with an empty memory card to replace the one you lost with a full one.
But it’s just never the same.
... until one day
... a long time later
... when you least expect it
... the thing you lost comes back!
Yes, while unzipping the side pocket of your travel bag you suddenly spot the diamond earrings that went missing after your cousin’s wedding four years ago. While reaching
into the bowels of your messy trunk looking for a flashlight, you suddenly tug on a sweatshirt sleeve that’s been buried under a set of golf clubs since summer. And after you slim down and toss on the sassy blazer you wore to prom, guess what’s hanging out in that inside pocket? Brother, it’s your crumpled tie or that wind-up disposable camera with half the film used up from the big night.
When this happens, your eyes pop and your jaw drops because you can hardly believe you’re seeing your old friend’s face right in front of you again. Chills rocket up your spine, love sucker-punches your chest, and big salty tears well in the corners of your eyes before streaming like hot rivers down your chubby cheeks.
You laugh, sniffle, and shake your head before giving the person beside you a big hug and smiling up at the world. Clouds part, bugles blare, and everything suddenly fills up with the giant swelling sensation of
AWESOME!
Riding home with a box of pizza on your lap
Pepperoni fumes fill the air as mom swerves and curves you home. Yes, that hot bulky square of cardboard filled with bubbling mozzarella heats your legs and gets your stomach rumbling for a delicious dinner that nobody needs to cook.
AWESOME!
Picking the fastest – moving line at the grocery store checkout
You can do it.
Motor around filling your basket with food before spying the checkouts and picking your poison. Here’s five tips for living life in the fast lane:1. Skip your greens. Stay away from carts full of strange produce. Anyone with tiny bags of cilantro or parsley is a guaranteed slowdown because they’ll force cashiers to look up codes.
2. Saving spaces, angry faces. Watch out for the single guy holding a cake. Sure, he may look like a quick checkout, but he also could be saving a spot for a big-wheeling partner who’s about to cruise around the corner with a stuffed cart. If he’s glancing around nervously, avoid the line.