Yes, fully justifying whatever terrible thing you’re eating is a beautiful eyes-wide moment of taste-based wonder. It’s great ditching the guilt once in a while to enjoy a crispyskinned wiener on the sidewalk or a drippy Quarter Pounder after the bars on Friday night.
People, we ain’t spinning on this rock too long, so let’s all remember to relax and just enjoy the extra scoop.
AWESOME!
When you get the scissors at that perfect angle where it slices through wrapping paper with no effort from you
I’m a terrible gift wrapper.
Yes, I’m the guy who cuts off too much paper, overtapes the ends, and realizes when I think I’m done that the corner of the present is still visible so I’ve got to add random patches of paper from rogue scraps off the floor.
I’m a sharp-n-sticky, tape-n-scissors disaster sitting in a hunched-over clump on the family room carpet with squashed bows and twisted ribbons scattered all around me.
Honestly, the only time I’m on top of my game is when I manage to snip my scissors into the paper at that perfect angle where it just glides across the sheet in one beautiful sweeping slice.
That’s when I suddenly ditch my incompetence for a beautifully brief moment of gift-wrapping
AWESOME!
Becoming a regular somewhere
Come on in.
We all know that being a regular doesn’t just happen overnight. No, it’s more like softly falling into a slow romance with a new friend ...Stage 1: The First Glance. There are plenty of fish in the sea and they’re all eager for your attention, but you slowly pick one out. Maybe it’s the big coffee cups, the wrinkly newspapers on the counter, or the late night hours that keep it open when you can’t sleep. Something made this coffee shop stand out and you felt at home right away.
Stage 2: They Like You Too. Slowly your favorite spot gets more and more of your time. You were a bit of a coffee shop tramp before this, dashing through drive-thrus and grabbing quickies from the vending machine in the cafeteria. But without realizing it, you’ve started giving this new place your time ... and they noticed. One day you see the server crack a little smile when you walk in and give a quick nod before you place your order.
Stage 3: The First Date. Suddenly the cold market forces warm into a little cloud of human connection. It’s the same guy behind the counter but now there’s recognition and an opening line. Maybe “Did you like the extra nutmeg in your cappuccino yesterday?” or “Blueberry scone, extra butter, right?” or “I think I saw you playing downtown yesterday. Brian, was it?” When your coffee shop puts itself out there, make sure you accept it with open arms. “That’s what it was? Delicious!” “Yeah, not that I need it!” or “Oh cool, do you hang out there often?” will do.
Stage 4: The Courtship. Now you start smiling and taking care of each other. You’ve got exact change ready to go, the server’s got your cappuccino with extra nutmeg. Head nods replace verbal orders and you smirk and smile together at other customers, kind of like you’re behind the counter too. There’s some nervous anticipation when you walk in the door: Who will be working the espresso machine this morning? Will they still have the Sports section? Will the cookies be warm?
Stage 5: The Living Together. You fall into a warm and cozy comfort that’s beyond words. Hellos and how-are-yous fade into chats about whether you should get a dog or advice on dealing with a new boss. You get your order your way, right away, every time, and sometimes even skip the line. You start sharing tables and newspapers with other regulars and making little jokes with them like “Oh, you always beat me on Saturdays!” You’re now in the cozy zone of the inner circle. Welcome to paradise.
Stage 6: The Almost-Breakup. The change happens quick and it jars you senseless. Maybe your favorite cashier moves away for school or the shop closes for three weeks for major renovations. The shock hits you hard but you resolve to get through it. Maybe you decide this is just what you needed to keep things fresh, so you dig deep and change yourself. Suddenly you’re getting black coffee instead of lattes, getting to know the new cashier, and loving those new paper towel dispensers in the bathroom.
Stage 7: The Future. Time moves by and things change but your souls remain connected. Sometimes you think about the past: Remember when they got new chairs? Or the time the power went out and they gave away cake? You’ve been through so much together that you’ve actually become part of the place. You helped set up their Internet, fixed the wobbly table, and co-invented the chocolate chip peanut butter cookie.
In these anonymous days of big-box stores, gated communities, and rampant Interneting, there’s something special about becoming a regular and feeling human connection in your human heart. When you visit your favorite joint it’s like welcome back to your corner stool, welcome back to your favorite table, welcome back to your perfect order.
Welcome back to being a regular.
Welcome back to love.
AWESOME!
When a friend starts randomly giving you a massage
There’s a few magic ways this deed goes down:1. The Couch Classic. Snuggling up under the blankets, you’re warm and cozy in a dark basement in front of a flickering screen. It’s late, it’s quiet, and suddenly your sister or boyfriend behind you starts softly rubbing your neck and shoulders. All the aches in the world disappear into the abyss as you sigh softly and melt deeper and deeper into the comfy confines of the couch.
2. The Scalper. This one’s a bit rare since it requires sitting in a chair in front of somebody standing up. But occasionally that’s exactly the scene when that somebody starts randomly rubbing your head. Now your achy breaky brain is loving the head circulation from that ten-finger rubdown.
3. The Foot Surprise. Some people say feet are disgusting. These people are not me. No, I say feet are our body’s most loyal soldiers who take a beating and deserve to be treated right. Unfortunately, it’s tricky massaging your own feet, and asking someone to do it can be a bit off-limits. (“Hey, Thompson, when you’re done with that drywall, can I ask you a huge favor?”) That’s why it’s so special when someone starts giving you a secret foot rub. Thanks for doing what we were all afraid to ask for.
Yes, you were just sitting there a sore ball of knots until you started getting a friendly massage and instantly melted into a soft blissed-out puddle of
AWESOME!
Walking around naked when you’re home alone
You are charged with one count of checking yourself out in the mirror, two counts of irresponsible couch usage, four counts of shower-to-bedroom carpet drippage, and seventeen counts of temporary nudity of the first degree.
How do you plead?
AWESOME!
Anything on tap
Once upon a time my friend Chad went to college.
Now, Chad likes to tell people what made him decide to go to school and the reasons why he traded in a job at Best Buy for a few hard years of hitting the books.
See, on a whim one weekend Chad packed his trunk and cruised down the highway to visit our friend Mike who was away at school. They didn’t have any plans but spent a couple days going out for drinks and eating meals at the residence dining hall.
And it was in that dining hall that Chad first came face-to-face with a big beautiful stainless steel object of his desire. Yes, he glanced up slowly and realized in a stunning moment that he was staring straight at chocolate milk on tap.
His jaw dropped and his eyeballs flashed fireworks as he immediately filled three glasses with the sweet-flowing brown gold and let his brain reel with infinite possibilities.
“It’s like neverending chocolate milk,” he started, his head bobbing in quick nods excitedly. And then a second later: “I gotta go to college!”
This is actually a true story. Chocolate milk on tap convinced Chad to ditch his job and head down the highway the following year. Chocolate milk on tap changed his life because anything on tap is great. Let’s count down some killer classics:• Slurpees. Flip the switch sideways
and let the crystal cola slide smoothly into your cup like a snake. For bonus points, mix and match flavors until your drink looks like the surface of Jupiter.
• Brown soda aka Swamp Water. Did you ever get behind an open bar at a wedding when you were a kid? If you remember mixing tall glasses of fountain Coke, Sprite, and root beer into a delightfully tangy swill, then you had a great childhood.
• Beer at a keg party. Forget the bottles and cans for a night. Now it’s time for some foamy pumping. If you’re the one guy who actually knows how to tap the keg, then you’re the official dude responsible for keeping everyone else’s red plastic cup full.
• Maple syrup. Just toss on your hiking boots in the dead of winter, walk silently to the middle of the forest, and tap that tree to get it done, son. It’s time to get sticky. (Note: May require hours of boiling.)
• Soft-serve ice cream. Don’t you love it when your local buffet has a soft-serve ice cream machine sitting right in the open? You can squeeze a little swirl into your warm, plastic wet-from-the-dishwasher bowl, or go cowboy and build the tallest, swirliest ice cream known to man.
• Water. If you’ve got a drink in the kitchen, clean hands in the bathroom, and a hot shower in the tub, then today’s your day to say thanks.
• Condiment pumps. Pump that watery ketchup and watch out for unexpected mustard opportunities.
• The hot chocolate machine at a camp, cabin, or chalet. Let the good stuff pour out and let’s curl by the fire in thick wool sweaters under big poofy blankets.
• Nacho cheese at the corner store. Now, here’s the heaviest hitter of all. When you swirl your salty nachos under that hot pump of oozing cheese, you’re in for a good night.
Years later we were sitting around late one night and Chad once again told his famous chocolate milk story. Someone new piped in with a confused look and said, “So, Chad, did it actually change your life?” Chad responded right away. “Chocolate milk changed my life by confirming my desire to go to college. College changed my life because I realized there was more to taps than chocolate. There was beer and cider. There was mustard at the hot dog cart. There was instant water for hot chocolate, oatmeal, and tea. It really made me realize that this world has so many things to offer, on tap.”
So let’s all say it here today: When we come face-to-face with anything on tap, all cans and bottles fade to black. We’ll just grab control of the boat and start pumping nozzles and squeezing triggers with reckless abandon, breaking free of the tight shackles of portion control and sailing deeper and deeper into a shadowy paradise of no rules ... no order ... and no limits.
AWESOME!
When you sneeze and a stranger says bless you
Warm Sunday dinners with family, late nights drinking with friends, studying with a group in your basement.
All of these are high-odds scenes for scoring a blessing after you sneeze. Chances are good that if you explode in a loud bang of spit and phlegm at the dinner table, at least one of your aunts will say “Bless you” and there’s a good shot everyone will chime in. Same when you’re grabbing wings or cramming for biology.
But when you’re on your own, it’s a whole different story.
Tapping on a laptop at the library, washing your hands in the restaurant bathroom, double-stepping up the escalator on your way to work.
These are low-odds scenes for netting a blessing. The people around you don’t know you and maybe don’t notice you. But when you sneeze and there’s just silence, it’s a bit awkward. I always feel a little lonely in those situations. “Didn’t anyone just hear me sneeze?” I want to ask. But instead I just finish washing my hands and wonder if my released spirit is now floating around the urinals.
This is why there’s something cool about a stranger saying bless you. It’s even better when you say nothing before the free blessing and they say nothing afterward. Like a friendly smile on a passing escalator or an empathetic laugh behind you in line, it’s just a momentary little politeness blip.
AWESOME!
Rubbing someone’s newly shaved head
Feel the buzz and rub that fuzz.
AWESOME!
Looking at how much dirt came off something you just cleaned
My apartment looks over a busy downtown intersection.
Shredded bird feathers, swirling dust funnels, and car exhaust fumes cover my balcony in a thick layer of city grime.
If you come over and go out there, I’ll tell you to put shoes on or suffer shocking sockicide. Don’t believe me and your white socks will suffer a case of career-ending blackfoot. It’s a bad way to go and generally results in grabbing a new pair on the way home.
The worst part isn’t the balcony floor, though. It’s the table and chairs. They get slimed too but are harder to cover up. I can’t just say, “Oh, before you sit down, grab a plastic bag from under the sink and tuck it into your jeans. Thanks!”
No, I can’t do that, I won’t do that, I don’t do that. Instead, I grab a hunk of wet paper towels and slide them all over the chairs and tables while my guests watch with jaw-dropping disgust. The thick mat quickly turns the blackest black you’ve ever seen and I sort of smile and wave it in their face before going inside to throw it out.
And ... you know why I smile? You know why I wave it in their face? Besides the fact that I’m not a very nice person, I mean. Well, I’ll tell you why: because I’m proud of how much dirt came off. To me it’s a sense of accomplishment. It’s the same as showing your sister that floor cloth with every square molecule covered in dust and cat hair. It’s the awe with which you stare at the McDonald’s napkin that just swabbed all that wet, yellowy grease off your forehead. It’s the sensation of looking at the disgustingly dirty tissue after wiping down your TV screen for the first time in a year.
Looking at how much dirt came off something you just cleaned causes some big swelling feelings to swish together inside you. It’s accomplishment, it’s cleanliness, and most of all it’s “I’m glad I’m not sitting in that.”
AWESOME!
Changing the channel during a commercial break and then flipping back just as the show’s coming back on
It’s even better if you accomplished something small while the commercials were running, like making some cheese and crackers, throwing laundry in the dryer, or putting the kids to bed.
You played a risky game, friend.
But you made it.
AWESOME!
When you meet up with a group of friends and they stop talking to celebrate your arrival
Sometimes you’re late for the date.
Stepping into the dark restaurant, shaking off your umbrella, squeezing past the bar, you don’t know what you’re gonna get: Who’s gonna be here? Have they already ordered? Will there even be a chair?
If you’re like me, baby butterflies flutter in your stomach when you stumble into Tonight’s Social Scene for the first time. Brushing rain off your eyebrows, unzipping your jacket, you smile nervously as you spot your friends and walk over to their crowded table in the back.
And if your entrance is marked by heads turning, forks dropping, fists raising, and loud cheers, it means you’re hanging with a great group. So smile and accept their little Welcome Package of hugs and high fives.
It’s gonna be a great night.
AWESOME!
Typing in your username and password at the speed of light
Put your hand up if you type slow.
Yes, if you’re a clickity-clackity finger-punching purist whose chubby fingers stab at the keyboard with the rhythm and grace of a tiny bird picking pebbles at the park, then you’re not alone.
Stumbling over emails, bumbling over book reports, you touch-type with a finger-bouncing pace that backspaces a bunch, slows down in a crunch, and gets twisted and snarled on big-word speed bumps.
Thank goodness you’ve got your username and password for some speed-of-lightning superfast quick typing.
Yes, when you log on to your computer or email ac
count, your fingers suddenly take on a life of their own. They become possessed and you barely recognize them as they zip-zoom across the keys in a windy blur like The Flash.
Sometimes you really don’t even know your password because your brain has outsourced all memory of it to your fingers which somehow always manage to come up with it right when you need it most.
AWESOME!
Finding hidden compartments in things you already own
My friend Rob welcomes visitors to his swanky apartment by flash-bulbing them in the face with a dusty old Polaroid camera.
After the picture slides out and the color fades in he staples it to a foam board in his front hallway. Over time he’s created a giant collage presumably titled “Anybody Who’s Ever Visited Me” and turned a blank white wall into an artsy conversation piece.
When some friends and I crashed with Rob a year ago, he promptly flash-bulbed us in the face a couple times. He handed me the extra pic while sticking the first on the wall and I stuffed it in my bags and forgot about it ... forgot about it, that is, until months later I noticed a tiny white corner sticking out of my suitcase and rediscovered the blurry photo inside a brand new secret pocket!
Finding hidden compartments in things you already own is like striking oil in your own backyard.
After all, you’ve known your old pal Backpack forever. You know her zipper’s gummed up and you’ve watched with teary eyes as her stitching slowly ripped off her left strap. So when you notice a secret built-in pencil case pouch deep down in her inner shadows, it’s a mind-blowing moment. Suddenly she’s got a whole new strut in her step and trot in her walk, like she popped back out of backpack rehab.