It only worked with Eve – and when I wasn’t trying.
But then Tones bounded up, his arm, as usual, clamped round Kirsty’s waist. He and Ryan started chatting about something, and Kirsty beckoned to me to bend down so she could whisper in my ear.
I had to bend down quite far, because Kirsty’s pretty short – and Kirsty ended up shouting because the music was so loud. But what she was saying was clear enough. One of her cousin’s friends thought I was cute. Would I like to talk to her?
“Sure.” I let Kirsty lead me out into the hall.
“This is Ella.” Kirsty grinned, nodding at a slim girl wearing a short, black dress. She vanished back to Tones, leaving us alone.
“Hi.” I smiled.
It was easy enough to talk to Ella. She was friendly and pretty and – thanks to the Six Steps – I knew exactly what I was doing with her. I chatted for a bit, asking who she knew at the party and where she went to school. Then I went for my Angle.
“So you gotta have a boyfriend, no?”
Ella blushed a little. “Why d’you say that?”
I let my eyes linger on her face. “You know,” I said. “Looking like you do.” I tilted my head to one side and glanced up and down her body – just a short, appreciative look.
Ella edged a little closer. She looked up at me coyly. “And how do I look?”
“Mmmn,” I said, moving in for the kill. “Like a model.”
Ten seconds later we were snogging our heads off. It must have been about half an hour later that I saw her.
Ella had gone off to the bathroom and I was standing in the hall watching Ryan chat up three girls simultaneously.
I felt someone brushing past me and I looked round. I caught a flash of sleek blonde hair, then it disappeared into the crowd. I pushed forwards through the people, searching for her.
There she was. Going up the stairs. I barged my way onto the stairs and fought past all the couples making out on the lower steps. About halfway up I caught up with her.
I reached out my hand. Touched her shoulder. “Eve?”
She turned round.
Not Eve. A longer face, darker blue eyes. Not anything like Eve.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I thought you were someone I knew.”
I made my way slowly back down the stairs. All the fun seemed to have been sucked out of the party. I felt tears of anger prick at my eyes. I hated Eve for spoiling every little thing I tried to do. I’d tried to turn myself into ice. And Eve had somehow found a way to break through even that.
Ryan came up to me as I fought my way back through the hall. “Me and Tones are getting the last tube home,” he said. “D’you wanna come?”
I looked around. “Where’s your hot chick for the night then?” I said, not all that bitterly, considering.
Ryan shrugged. “I’m meeting someone later.”
I stared at him. “Later?” It was already almost midnight. I was going to be pushed to get home before my absolute latest getting-back time – twelve-thirty
“Yeah.” Ryan looked uncharacteristically embarrassed. “You know. It’s the same person as before.”
“Right. Your mystery babe,” I said. Lately I’d been wondering if maybe Ryan hadn’t just made the girl up. I mean, if she was so fabulous, why didn’t he ever bring her out? But I’d seen him pass up chances with other girls so often, just to go off and be with her, that I couldn’t quite believe she wasn’t real. It suddenly struck me that maybe she was involved with someone else, like Eve had been.
“What’s she like?” I said.
Ryan grinned. “Amazing,” he said. “Hotter than your wildest dreams. Moody, though. She’s in this difficult . . . er . . . situation.”
I shook my head. Jesus. She was going out with someone else.
“Anyway, you coming?” Ryan said.
I glanced across the room to where Ella was waiting for me, an inviting smile on her lips.
Screw Eve, I thought. And screw getting home on time. Chloe never bloody does it. Why should I bother?
“Nah, mate,” I said. I nodded in Ella’s direction. “I’m staying a bit longer.”
19
Discovery
No one tells you nothing
Even when you know they know
But they tell you what you should do
They don’t like to see you grow
Why don’t you ask them – what they expect from you?
Why don’t you tell them – what you are gonna do?
‘Do Anything You Wanna Do’
Eddie and the Hot Rods
In the end I didn’t get home until after two a.m. It wasn’t entirely my fault. Ella had to be back by midnight and her dad had given her the money for a taxi. I told her to save it – that I’d walk her home. Of course she lived two miles away in the middle of nowhere. So once I’d dropped her, her telephone number in my cell, I had to walk most of the two miles back before I got near a night-bus that would take me home.
By this time, I was so close to Kirsty’s cousin’s house again that I thought I might as well look back in on the party. It was still going – but quieter and emptier. I sat and chatted to a group of Kirsty’s cousin’s friends who were all staying overnight in the house. One girl, called Sinitta, kept catching my eye.
I thought about Eve. Then I thought about Ella.
Then I thought, why not?
Sinitta was prettier than Ella, but also more irritating. She kept giggling and shying away every time I tried to put my arm around her. I couldn’t work out what she wanted. In the end I decided just to be direct.
“So are we gonna pull or not?” I said.
I was half expecting her to slap me or stalk off, all horrified. But to my surprise she just grinned and led me off to a secluded corner of the big, open-plan living room. She was pretty cool, actually. I’m not sure how far we might have gone, but after an hour or so she fell asleep while I went for a pee.
I already had her phone number logged next to Ella’s. So I decided to leave. There were a couple of missed calls from Mum, but I figured there was no point me calling her back now. Hopefully by the time I got home she’d have gone to bed. I didn’t even think I was going to be that late, but then I waited almost an hour for a night-bus. I guess it sounds really pathetic, but I got all jittery while I was waiting. It’d happened several times since Ben beat me up. I was OK the rest of the time – it was just being outside, at night, when I couldn’t see into all the shadows.
The living-room light was on at home as I walked down the road. With any luck that would be Chloe, just come in late herself.
Of course, it wasn’t.
Mum flew at me as I opened the front door.
“Luke, I’ve been so worried. Where’ve you been? Why are you so late?”
She pulled me into this half-relieved, half-exasperated hug. I struggled free. “I’m fine, Mum,” I said, “I’ve just been to a party.”
This was clearly the wrong thing to say. Mum’s mouth set in a thin line. The relief in her eyes turned into anger. “You’re nearly three hours late back,” she hissed. “What were you doing at a party all this time?”
Guessing she wouldn’t like the honest answer, I shrugged. “Nothing much.”
Again, the wrong thing to say. I could see Matt hovering in the living-room door. He looked massively pissed off.
Mum was holding up her hand, pointing to her forefinger.
“One. You are supposed to be home at half-twelve.” She pointed to the next finger. “Two. You have a phone. Why didn’t you call? More than that, why didn’t you answer when I called?”
I shrugged again, feeling a little uneasy. Truth was I’d turned my phone off when I went back to the party and thought I was in with a chance with Sinitta.
“Three. You were beaten up less than a month ago. D’you have any idea how worried I get when you’re out late?”
Shit. Maybe I had been a bit selfish not letting Mum know where I was. Except, I hadn’t meant not to
call her. I just hadn’t thought about it. I opened my mouth to explain – to say sorry – but, at that moment, Matt muttered something. I couldn’t quite work out what he’d said, but the contempt in his voice was unmistakable.
“What was that?”
Matt sneered. “Selfish little sod.”
Something snapped inside me. This was nothing to do with him.
“Why am I getting this crap?” I shouted. “Chloe comes in late all the time. I bet she’s not even here now.”
“We’re not talking about Chloe. We’re talking about you,” Matt yelled.
I swore at him. This turned out to be my third and final mistake of the evening. Matt sprang forwards and grabbed my shirt, yanking it up by my neck. Wham. He shoved me against the door. “Don’t you dare use that language with me,” he roared.
“Get off.” I glared at him, pushing him away with the flats of my hands.
“Matt,” Mum shrieked. “Luke. Stop it.”
Matt let go of me reluctantly. He raised a shaking finger. “Your dad would be so disappointed in you,” he shouted. “You know what he expected? That once he was gone you’d step up – act like a man. Look after your mum. Not drive her half mad with worry.”
“Oh yeah?” I yelled. “That what he expected, was it? Well, I can tell you what he didn’t expect. He didn’t expect that his best friend would steal his wife before he’d even been dead three months.”
“Luke.” Over Matt’s shoulder I could see Mum starting to cry.
Matt’s face clenched up with fury. “You selfish little piss-head. You’ve got no idea, have you? To you it’s all a game. I love your mum. D’you understand? I really love her.”
I stared at him, my stomach twisting. It suddenly struck me that Mum might decide she loved him too. That everything might change for ever.
“No, I can see from your face that you don’t understand,” Matt put his arm round Mum’s shoulders. “Your idea of love is to bugger off chasing skirt all night without letting anyone know where you are.”
I tore past him and stomped up the stairs. As I slammed my bedroom door shut I could hear Mum and Matt arguing downstairs. I lay on my bed, my heart hammering.
At that moment I would have given everything for five minutes with Eve. And, for once, it wasn’t about how horny she was. I just missed her so much it hurt.
I fell asleep and dreamed that she was next to me, holding me while I slept.
I think Matt must have stormed off in the middle of the night, because he wasn’t around at all the next morning. Mum’s eyes were all red and puffy. I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t pleased Matt was gone. But I hate it when Mum and I are mad at each other. And despite what Matt said, I do try and look after her, now Dad’s not here.
So I said I was sorry for staying out late and not calling. We hugged and made up and I offered to peel some potatoes for lunch.
Chloe rolled in just as Mum was about to take a tray of sausages out of the oven.
“Ooh, good, I’m starving,” Chloe said, flumping down into one of the kitchen chairs.
I don’t know why she acts like that. It’s almost as if she wants to wind Mum up. Of course, Mum immediately launched into her usual stuff about Chloe treating the house like a hotel. Chloe shouted back. And the sausages got burned.
They sniped at each other for most of the afternoon, then Chloe went out again. I had long since given up asking her who she was seeing, or even if it was still the same guy. For all I knew she could have a whole string of boyfriends.
At about six o’clock Mum told me Matt was coming round. From the way she said it, it sounded like they might be going to have a fairly heavy talk. I decided to make myself scarce.
It was a beautiful evening. Still light, with long rays of sunlight stretching across the road. I wandered down to the park where Eve and I used to meet. The trees rustled as I strolled across to the small pond. The park was nearly deserted – nothing and no one to take my mind off Eve. I thought about the last time I’d seen her, hurrying through the corridors at school. I’d wanted to go up to her, talk to her, just be with her.
How could she have chosen Ben? What did he have that I didn’t? Well, I knew the answer to that – Ryan had supplied it the first time we’d talked about it.
Ryan. Maybe I should drop in on him. He only lived a few streets away. And he was always good at looking on the positive side of things. He’d probably tell me to stop being such a sad loser and call Ella or Sinitta.
I glanced down the side path I was passing. Halfway down was a little park bench Eve and I used to sit and make out on. A couple were on there now, arms wrapped round each other. I couldn’t see the girl properly. The guy was all over her. From the back there was something familiar about him. Then he turned slightly sideways and I saw who it was. Ryan.
A grin crept round my mouth. Whoever he was with must be his mystery woman. His hotter than hot – possibly otherwise attached – babe of babes. I strode down the path towards them. I walked quietly, wanting to surprise him. Not that I needed to bother. The two of them looked so into each other that they wouldn’t have noticed if I’d yelled at them through a megaphone.
I still couldn’t see the girl’s face. God, Ryan. Come up for air, why don’t you.
I was still twenty or thirty metres away when he finally pulled away. He leaned back in his seat and I saw who the girl was.
My heart plummeted into my guts. I stopped and stared, unable to believe what I was seeing. Then Ryan gave his lopsided grin and leaned into her again. She hadn’t noticed me. She hadn’t taken her eyes off Ryan for one second.
As they started snogging again, I sped up.
His hands were all over her.
I raced down the path towards them, my head exploding with rage.
20
Twisted
Walked out this morning
Don’t believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shore
Seems I’m not alone in being alone
A hundred billion castaways looking for a home
‘Message in a Bottle’
The Police
They didn’t notice me running. I was right on top of them and they still didn’t see.
I lunged forwards, grabbed Ryan’s jacket at the back and hauled him off her.
“You bastard,” I yelled, hurling him onto the gravel path below the park bench.
I turned and stared at the girl.
Chloe.
Her mouth was open, her eyes wide.
Ryan picked himself off the gravel and turned round to face me.
“Hey, Luke, you’ve got this all wrong.”
“Don’t . . . don’t you dare speak to me.” My voice was shaking. My whole body was trembling with anger. “I told you not to piss about with my sister.”
Ryan held his arms out, palms down, gesturing me to chill.
“I’m not pissing about, man. Chloe’s her. The girl I told you about. We’ve been going out for a bit now and—”
“Chloe?” I frowned, my brain straining to catch up with my ears. “My sister’s your . . . your mystery babe?”
“Yeah.” Ryan nodded, beckoning Chloe towards him.
I stared at him, still struggling to make sense of what he was saying. “When?” I said. “When did it start?”
“Piss off, Luke,” Chloe snapped. “We don’t owe you an explan—”
“It’s OK, Chlo.” Ryan turned to me. “It started just after your party,” he said. “When I came round that night to help you . . . you know.”
The evening he’d told me about the Six Steps. My eyes widened.
“That’s why you came up to me back at the party? That’s why you acted all friendly? Just to get your hands on Chloe?”
“No.” Ryan backed away from me. “Honest, Luke.”
He was lying. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard.
I shoved him in the chest, knocking him back onto the ground. He landed with a thud. I threw my
self on top of him and swung my fist back. I was dimly aware of Chloe tugging at my arm, screeching in my ear, but the words were lost under the furious sound of the blood pumping through my head. It was like all my rage, all my frustration – at Matt and Mum, at Eve, at Ben – was focused in this one moment.
Ryan was trying to scrabble backwards along the ground, but my knees were pinning down his arms. My fist itched to drive itself into his stupid face.
Then the rest of the world rushed back into focus. I suddenly became aware of my own harsh breathing – and the swishing sound of the trees in the background.
I opened my trembling fingers and lowered my arm. The truth flooded through me. If I hit Ryan, I’d be as bad as Ben.
And I was better than that.
Way better.
“Listen.” Ryan’s eyes pleaded with me.
I sat back, then rolled onto the gravel path beside him. I was still panting, my heart still racing. I bent over my knees.
“Go on then,” I said. “This should be good.”
Ryan struggled onto his elbows. “I didn’t know what else to do,” he said. “I’d liked Chloe for ages. But she was always surrounded by guys. I could never get near her. Not at school. Not even at the party.”
“But I saw you dancing with someone else that night,” I said. “And there was that girl – the one with red hair. I saw you kiss her . . .”
“What else was I gonna do?” Ryan shrugged. “But you gotta believe me. I’d’ve swapped it all for two minutes on my own with Chloe.”
“So you did use me?” I said. “That’s why you came round. Why you kept coming round.” I blinked, remembering the way Ryan had demonstrated his stupid “look” on Chloe. And the way he was always supposedly nipping up to our bathroom every time he visited. Our bathroom, which just happened to be next door to Chloe’s bedroom.
“At first, yes, OK. But then, later, I liked hanging out with you.” Ryan looked at me earnestly. “I would have told you, man. Chloe wanted to. She didn’t think it was a big deal. But the way you acted when I looked at her that time – remember? It totally freaked me out. I thought if you knew what I was doing you’d be mad.” He gave me a weak smile. “Which you obviously are. But I wasn’t trying to piss you off. I just wanted to be with Chlo.”