I nod. “I know what that means, you know. It means ‘cherry.’ Pervert.”
His eyes shine with amusement. “It does.”
“And I’m sure you’ve guessed I’m not a virgin.”
He shakes his head. “Have you seen your mouth? I’ve never seen lips so full and red.”
Unconsciously, I pull my bottom lip into my mouth, sucking it.
His eyes grow heavy and he leans closer. “I like when you do that. I want a turn.”
My voice is nervous and shaking when I whisper, “They’re just lips.”
“They’re not just lips. And please,” he teases, and he’s so close I can smell his aftershave. It smells like fresh air, like green and sharp and soothing all at once, something I’ve never smelled on a man before. “You wear red lipstick so that men won’t notice your mouth? Surely you know what we dream about a mouth like that doing.”
I don’t close my eyes when he leans in and takes my bottom lip between both of his, but he does. His eyes fall closed, and every one of my senses picks up the gravelly sound he makes: I taste it, feel it, hear it, see the way he shivers against me.
He runs his tongue over my lip, sucks gently, and then pulls back. I realize it wasn’t really a kiss. It was more a taste. And obviously he agrees: “You don’t taste like cherry.”
“What do I taste like?”
He shrugs a little, thoughtfully purses his lips. “I’m unable to think of a good word. Sweet. Like a woman and a girl still, too.”
His hand is still planted near my head, but the other toys with the hem of my cardigan. I realize that if I want to live a different life I have to do it. I can’t tiptoe along the edge of the cliff. I have to jump. I have to figure out what kind of girl would do what I want to do with him, and pretend I’m her. She’s the one onstage. Mia watches from the audience.
I pull his fingers down to the bottom of my dress, and then under.
He’s no longer looking at my mouth; we’re looking directly into each other’s eyes when I drag his fingers up the inside of my thigh. It feels so secluded here—darker and still—but around the corner the bar echoes with drunken voices, a bass-heavy pop song. We’re hidden but anyone could find us if they wanted to. Without any more urging from me, he slips a knuckle beneath the fabric of my underwear. My eyes roll closed and my head falls back against the wall behind me as he gently slides it back and forth over my most sensitive flesh.
I don’t know what I’ve done, or why, and I’m suddenly consumed with warring reactions. I want him to touch me—God I want him to touch me—but I’m mortified, too. I’ve been with two other guys since Luke, but there was always more lead-up: kissing, and the usual progression of top-to-bottom groping. Having Ansel near me has reduced me to a puddle of want.
“I’m not sure who is more surprised you just did that,” he says before kissing my neck. “You or I.”
He pulls his finger away but almost immediately returns at a better angle, this time sliding his entire hand down the front of my underwear. My breath catches as he strokes me gently with two fingers. He’s careful, but confident.
“Toutes les choses que j’ai envie de te faire . . .”
I swallow back a moan, whispering, “What did you say?”
“Just thinking of all the things I want to do to you.” He kisses my jaw. “Do you want me to stop?”
“No,” I say, and then panic chokes me. “Yes.” He freezes and I immediately miss the rhythm of his broad fingertips. “No. Don’t stop.”
With a raspy laugh, he bends to kiss my neck, and my eyes roll closed as he starts to move again.
IT TAKES FOREVER for me to open my eyes; my head is pounding. My whole body hurts. I press my hands firmly to my temples, palms flat as if, by doing so, I can hold my head together. It must be in pieces. It’s the only thing that could explain the pain.
The room is dark, but I know somehow that behind the heavy hotel curtains the Nevada summer sun is blinding.
Even if I slept for a week, I think I’d need two more.
The night comes back to me in tiny, chaotic bursts. Drinking. Ansel. Pulling him down the hall and feeling his tongue on mine. And then, talking. So much talking. Flashes of naked skin, movement, and the loose-limbed aftereffects of a night of orgasms, one after another.
I wince, nausea sweeping through me.
Moving is torture. I feel bruised and exhausted, and it’s distracting enough for me to not initially realize that I’m completely naked. And alone. I have delicate points of pain on my ribs, my neck, my upper arms. When I manage to sit up, I see that most of the bedding is on the floor, but I’m on the bare mattress, as if I’ve been plucked from the chaos and intentionally laid here.
Near my bare hip is a piece of paper, folded carefully in half. The handwriting is neat, and somehow easily recognizable as foreign. My hand shakes as I quickly read the note.
Mia,
I tried to wake you, but after failing decided to let you sleep. I think we only got about two hours at any rate. I’m going to shower and then will be downstairs having breakfast in the restaurant across from the elevator. Please find me.
Ansel
I start shaking and can’t stop. It’s not just the raging hangover or the realization that I spent a night with a stranger and can’t remember a lot of it. It’s not just the state of the room: a lamp is broken, the mirror is smudged with hundreds of handprints, the floor is littered with clothing and pillows and—thank God—condom wrappers. It isn’t the mortification over the dark stain from a soda bottle on the rug across the room. It’s not the delicate bruises I see on my ribs or the persistent ache between my legs.
I’m shaking because of the slim gold band on my left ring finger.
Chapter THREE
I’M SHAKING BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN THAT I HAVE A RING THAT LOOKS LIKE A WEDDING RING AND WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER WHAT WE DID? The only thing I remember after pulling Ansel down the hall last night is more alcohol—a lot more—and flirting.
Flashes of a weaving limo ride.
Harlow shouting out the window and Ansel’s goofy smile.
I think I remember seeing Lola kiss Oliver. The pop of a camera flash. Dragging Ansel down the hall and sex. Lots
of sex.
I sprint to the bathroom and lose the contents of my stomach. The alcohol coming back up is sour, tastes like shame and a hundred bad ideas poured down my throat.
I brush my teeth with a weak arm and shaking hand while giving my reflection the dirtiest look I can manage. I look like shit, have about seventeen hickeys on my neck and chest and, I’ll be honest, from the looks of my mouth, I sucked dick for a long time last night.
I gulp water from the faucet and stumble back out into the bedroom, pulling on a shirt from the first suitcase I trip over. I can barely walk, collapsing on the floor after only about thirty seconds of hunting for my phone. When I spot it across the room, I stumble-crawl over, only to realize it’s completely dead and I have no idea where I put my charger. Cheek pressed to the floor, I give up. Eventually someone will find my body. Right?
I really hope this story is funny in a few years.
“Harlow?” I call out, wincing at the gravelly sound of my own voice, at the scent of detergent and stale water emanating from the carpet so close to my face. “Lola?”
But the enormous suite is completely silent. Where the hell did they end up last night? Are they okay? The image of Lola kissing Oliver returns with more detail: the two of them standing in front of us, bathed in cheap fluorescent lighting. Holy fuck, are they married, too?
I’m almost positive I’m going to throw up again.
I take a moment to breathe in through my nose, breathe out through my mouth, and my head clears slightly, just enough to stand, get a glass of water from the tap. To not vomit all over the expensive place Harlow’s dad is pay
ing for.
I devour an energy bar and banana I find in the mini-bar, and then drink an entire can of ginger ale in almost two gulps. I will never get enough liquid back into my body, I can feel it.
In the shower, I scrub at my aching skin, shaving and washing everything with trembling hungover hands.
Mia, you’re a disaster. This is why you’re a sucky drinker.
The worst part isn’t how horrible I feel or what a mess I’ve made.
The worst part is I want to find him as much as I want to find Harlow and Lola.
The worst part is the tiny curl of anxiety I feel knowing that it’s Monday and we’re leaving today.
No, the worst part is that I’m an idiot.
As I dry off in the bedroom and pull on some jeans and a tank top, I look over to where I’ve left his note on the mattress. His tidy, slanted handwriting faces the ceiling, and a slim thread of a memory pushes into my thoughts, of my hand on Ansel’s clothed chest, pushing him out of the bathroom and sitting down on the toilet seat with a stack of paper and ballpoint pen. To write a letter? I think . . . to . . . me?
But I can’t find it anywhere; not under the enormous pile of blankets on the floor, not in the dismantled couch cushions in the living room, not in the bathroom or in any of the chaos of the suite. It has to be here. The only other time I wrote myself a letter, it was the one thing that guided me through the hardest point in my life.
If a letter from last night exists, I need to find it.
AFTER THE MOST nauseating and anxious elevator ride in history, I’m finally downstairs. I see the guys in a booth across the restaurant, but Harlow and Lola aren’t with them. They’re arguing in that way they seem to constantly argue, where it’s really all just the man version of cuddling on a couch. They yell and gesticulate and look exasperated and then laugh. None of them looks like they’re recovering from some sort of massive crime spree and I feel my shoulders relax the tiniest bit, fairly confident that wherever Harlow and Lorelei are, they’re safe.
Frozen near the entrance, I ignore the perky hostess asking me repeatedly if I need a table for one. My headache is returning and hopefully someday my feet will start to move and she’ll go away.
Ansel looks up and sees me, and his smile vanishes for a beat before it is replaced by something much sweeter than a smile. It’s happy relief. He shows everything, so easily laid bare on his sleeve.
Finn and Oliver turn to look over their shoulders and see me. Finn says something I can’t hear before rapping the table twice with his knuckles and pushing away in his chair.
Ansel stays at the table as his two friends walk toward me.
“Wh-where,” I start, then pause, straighten my shoulders, and say, “Where are Harlow and Lola?”
Oliver lifts his chin toward the elevators down the hall. “Slaypee. Me bee shaah.”
I squint at the Aussie. “Huh?”
“‘Sleeping,’” Finn translates with a laugh. “‘Maybe shower.’ The accent isn’t quite as thick when he’s not hung-over. I’ll tell them you’re down here.”
I raise my eyebrows expectantly, wondering if there is any other information they want to share.
“And?” I ask, looking back and forth between them.
Finn’s eyebrows draw together. “And . . . ?”
“Did we all get married?” I ask, meaning I expect he’ll tell me, Nope, it’s just a game. We won these expensive gold rings playing blackjack!
But he nods, looking far less disturbed by this turn of events than I am. “Yep. But don’t worry, we’ll fix it.” He looks back at the table and gives Ansel a meaningful stare.
“Fix it?” I repeat, and oh my God, is this what a stroke feels like?
Turning back to me, Finn lifts a hand, rests it on my shoulder, and looks at me with dramatic condolences. When I look behind him to Ansel, I can see his . . . my husband’s? . . . eyes are lit with amusement.
“Do you know what a Brony is?”
I blink back to Finn, not entirely sure I’ve heard him correctly. “A—what?”
“A Brony,” he repeats. “It’s a guy who is into My Little Pony.”
“Yeah, okay.” What the . . . ?
He leans in, bending his knees so he’s at face level with me. “I ask you this not because the man you married last night in a drunken haze is a Brony, but because he thinks the whole idea of Bronies is fantastic.”
“I’m not sure I’m following,” I whisper. Am I still drunk? Is he? What the hell kind of world have I walked into this morning?
“He also once took an actual bath in Jell-O because someone dared him to and he was curious,” Finn tells me. “He loves to open wine bottles with only a shoe and a wall. And when we ran out of cash in Albuquerque and the restaurant wouldn’t accept credit cards, he paid for our dinner by dancing next door at this run-down little strip club.”
“I need coffee before I can understand a single thing you’re telling me,” I say.
Finn ignores this. “He made about seven hundred dollars that night, but that’s not my point.”
“Okay?” I glance back at Ansel again. There’s no way he can hear what we’re saying, but he clearly knows these guys well enough that he doesn’t need to. He’s outright laughing.
“My point is to keep all that in mind when you speak to him. My point is Ansel falls a little bit in love with everything he sees.” When he says this, my chest tightens inexplicably. “It’s what I love about the guy, but his whole life is basically . . .” He looks up at Oliver for guidance.
Oliver pulls a toothpick from his mouth. “Sayren deepty?” he says before sliding the toothpick back in.
“Serendipity.” Finn pats my shoulder as if we’ve wrapped things up here—as if this conversation made any kind of goddamn sense—and steps around me. Oliver nods once, solemnly. Neon lights flash in the reflection of his glasses and I have to blink away, wondering if throwing up again might be preferable to the conversation I’m sure is about to transpire. What are they even talking about? I can barely remember how to walk, let alone figure out how to deal with the thought that I might be legally married to a guy who loves everything about life, including Bronies.
With a nervous flip in my stomach I slip between two tables and walk over to the booth where Ansel is smiling up at me. In however many minutes we’ve been apart—or however many I’ve been unconscious—I’d forgotten the effect of him up close. Nerve endings seem to rise to the surface of my skin, anticipating his hands.
“Good morning,” he says. His voice is hoarse and slow. He has dark circles beneath his eyes and his skin looks a little pale. Given that he’s clearly been up longer than I have, looking at him doesn’t make me especially confident I’ll feel better in a couple of hours.
“Good morning.” I hover at the edge of the table, not sure I’m ready to sit down. “What was Finn talking about?”
He waves his hand, already dismissing it. “I saw you coming and ordered you some orange juice and what you Americans like to call coffee.”
“Thanks.” When I sit, I suck in a breath at the throbbing ache between my legs, and the reality of our night of wild—and maybe a little rough—sex is like a third person at the table. I wince, a full-body wince, and Ansel notices. It sets off a comical chain reaction: he blushes and his eyes drop to the marks he’s left all over my neck and chest. I try to cover my throat with shaking hands, wishing I’d brought a scarf to the desert, in the summer—which is ridiculous—and he bursts out laughing. I drop my head onto my crossed arms on the table and groan. I’m never drinking again.
“About the bite marks . . .” he begins.
“About that.”
“You kept asking me to bite you.”
“I did?”
“You were very specific,” he says with a grin. “And being the gentleman that I am, I happily obliged.”
&
nbsp; “Oh.”
“Apparently we had a wild night.”
I lift my head, thanking the waitress when she puts a carafe of coffee in front of me. “The details are slowly returning.”
And they are, finally: the way we crashed into the hotel room, laughing and falling onto the travertine floor just inside the entryway. He rolled me over to playfully check for scrapes, kissing along my neck, my back, the backs of my thighs. He undressed me with fingers and teeth and words kissed into my skin. Far less artfully I undressed him, impatient and practically ripping the shirt from his body.
When I look up and meet his eyes, he rubs the back of his neck, smiling apologetically at me. “If what I feel today is any indication, we, ah . . . took a long time.”
I feel my face heat at the same time my stomach drops. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this particular bit of feedback. “I’m sorry my body is sort of . . . hard to please. Luke used to work forever to get me there and when we were first together sometimes I would even just pretend to come so he wouldn’t feel like he failed.”
Oh my God did I actually just say all that out loud?
Ansel scrunches his nose in an expression I haven’t seen on him yet and it’s the portrait of adorable confusion. “What? You aren’t a robot, sometimes it takes time. I quite enjoyed figuring out how to give you pleasure.” He winces then, looking even more apologetic. “I’m afraid the one taking forever was me. I had a lot to drink. Besides . . . we both wanted more after each time . . . I feel like I did about a million crunches.”
And as soon as he says it, I know he’s right. Even now my body feels like an instrument that had been perfectly played for hours the night before, and I seem to have gotten my wish: last night I did have a different life. I had the life of a woman with a wild, attentive lover. Beneath the haze of my hangover, I feel stretched and worked, the kind of satisfied that seems to reach the middle of my bones and the deepest part of my brain.
I remember being carried to the couch in the living room, later, where Ansel finished what he’d started in the lounge’s hallway. The feel of his hands as he pushed my underwear aside, sliding his fingertips back and forth over my sensitive, heated skin.