CHAPTER XIV
A TRY-OUT FOR TOODLEISM
Eh? Yes, maybe I do walk a little stiff jointed; but, say, I'm satisfiedto be walkin' around at all. If I hadn't had my luck with me the otherday, I'd be wearin' that left leg in splints and bein' pushed around in awheel chair. As it is, the meat is only a little sore, and a few morealcohol rubs will put it in shape.
What was it come so near gettin' me on the disabled list? Toodleism! No,I expect you didn't; but let me put you next, son: there's more 'isms and'pathys and 'ists floatin' around these days, than any one head can keeptrack of. I don't know much about the lot; but this Toodleism's a punkproposition. Besides leavin' me with a game prop, it come near bu'stin'up the fam'ly.
Seems like trouble was lookin' for me last week, anyway. First off, I hasa run of old timers, that panhandles me out of all the loose coin I hasin my clothes. You know how they'll come in streaks that way, sometimes?Why, I was thinkin' of havin' 'em form a line, one while. Then alongabout Thursday one of my back fletchers develops a case of jumps. What'sa fletcher? Why, a steak grinder, and this one has a ripe spot in it.Course, it's me for the nickel plated plush chair, with the footrest andrunnin' water attached; and after the tooth doctor has explored my jawwith a rock drill and a few other cute little tools, he says he'll killthe nerve.
"Don't, Doc.!" says I. "That nerve's always been a friend of mine untillately. Wouldn't dopin' it do?"
He says it wouldn't, that nothin' less'n capital punishment would reforma nerve like that; so I tells him to blaze away. No use goin' intodetails. Guess you've been there.
"Say, Doc.," says I once when he was fittin' a fresh auger into themachine, "you ain't mistakin' me for the guilty party, are you?"
"Did I hurt?" says he.
"You don't call that ticklin', do you?" says I.
But he only grins and goes on with the excavation. After he's blasted outa hole big enough for a terminal tunnel he jabs in a hunk of cottonsoaked with sulphuric acid, and then tamps down the concrete.
"There!" says he, handin' me a drug store drink flavored withformaldehyde. "In the course of forty-eight hours or so that nerve willbe as dead as a piece of string. Meantime it may throb at intervals."
That's what it did, too! It dies as hard as a campaign lie. About everyso often, just when I'm forgettin', it wakes up again, takes a freshhold, and proceeds to give an imitation of a live wire on an alternatin'circuit.
"Ahr chee!" says Swifty Joe. "To look at the map of woe you're carryin'around, you'd think nobody ever had a bum tusk before."
"Nobody ever had this one before," says I, "and the way I look now ain'tchronic, like some faces I know of."
"Ahr chee!" says Swifty, which is his way of bringin' in a minorityreport.
The worst of it was, though, I'm billed to show up at Rockywold for a Mayparty that Sadie and Mrs. Purdy-Pell was pullin' off, and when I landsthere Friday afternoon the jaw sensations was still on the job. I'mfeeling about as cheerful and chatty as a Zoo tiger with ingrowin'toenails. So, after I've done the polite handshake, and had a word withSadie on the fly, I digs out my exercise uniform and makes a sneak downinto their dinky little gym., where there's a first class punchin' bagthat I picked out for Purdy-Pell myself.
You know, I felt like I wanted to hit something, and hit hard. It wa'n'tany idle impulse, either. That tooth was jumpin' so I could almost feelmy heels leave the floor, and I had emotions that it would take more thanlanguage to express proper. So I peels off for it, down to a sleevelessjersey and a pair of flannel pants, and starts in to drum out the devil'stattoo on that pigskin bag.
I was so busy relievin' my feelin's that I didn't notice anything floatin the door; but after awhile I looks up and discovers the audience.She's a young female party that I didn't remember havin' seen before atany of the Rockywold doin's; but it looks like she's one of the guests,all right.
Well, I hadn't been introduced, and I couldn't see what she was buttin'into the gym. for, anyway, so I keeps right on punchin' the bag; thinkin'that if she was shocked any by my costume she'd either get over it, orbeat it and have a fit.
She's one of the kind you might expect 'most anything from,--one of theselong, limp, loppy, droop eyed fluffs, with terracotta hair, and aprunes-and-prisms mouth all puckered to say something soulful. She'swearin' a whackin' big black feather lid with a long plume trailin' downover one ear, a strawb'ry pink dress cut accordin' to Louis Catorzdesigns,--waist band under her armpits, you know,--and nineteen-buttonlength gloves. Finish that off with a white hen feather boa, have herhands clasped real shy under her chin, and you've got a picture of what Isees there in the door. But it was the friendly size-up she was givin'me, and no mistake. She must have hung up there three or four minutestoo, before she quits, without sayin' a word.
At the end of half an hour I was feelin' some better; but when I'd gotinto my tailor made, I didn't have any great enthusiasm for tacklin'food.
"Guess I'll appoint this a special fast day for mine," says I to Sadie.
"Why, Shorty!" says she. "Whatever is the matter?" And she has no soonerheard about the touchy tusk than she says, "Oh, pooh! Just say thereisn't any such thing as toothache. Pain, you know, is only a false mentalphotograph, an error of the mind, and----"
"Ah, back up, Sadie!" says I. "Do you dream I don't know whether thisjump is in my brain or my jaw? This is no halftone; it's the realthing."
"Nonsense!" says she. "You come right downstairs and see Dr. Toodle.He'll fix it in no time."
Seems this Toodle was the one the party had been arranged for, and Sadiehas to hunt him up. It didn't take long to trail him down; for prettysoon she comes towin' him into the drawin'-room, where I'm camped down ona sofa, holdin' on with both hands.
"Dr. Toodle," says she, "I want to present Mr. McCabe."
Now, I don't claim any seventh-son powers; but I only has to take onelook at Toodle to guess that he's some sort of a phony article. Noreg'lar pill distributor would wear around that mushy look that he hason. He's a good sized, wide shouldered duck, with a thick crop of longhair that just clears his coat collar, and one of these smooth, soft,sentimental faces the women folks go nutty over,--you know, big nose,heavy chin, and sagged mouth corners. His get-up is something between apriest's and an actor's,--frock coat, smooth front black vest, and acollar buttoned behind. He gurgles out that he's charmed to meet Mr.McCabe, and wants to know what's wrong.
"Nothin' but a specked tooth," says I. "But I can stand it."
"My de-e-ear brother," says Toodle, puttin' his fingers together andgazin' down at me like a prison chaplain givin' a talk to murderers' row,"you are possessed of mental error. Your brain focus has been disturbed,and a blurred image has been cast on the sensitive retina of the----"
"Ah, say, Doc.," says I, "cut out the preamble! If you've got a cocainegun in your pocket, dig it up!"
Then he goes off again with another string of gibberish, about pain bein'nothin' but thought, and thought bein' something we could steer to suitourselves. I can't give you the patter word for word; but the nub of itwas that I could knock that toothache out in one round just by thinkin'hard. Now wouldn't that peeve you? What?
"All right, Doc.," says I. "I'll try thinkin' I ain't got any ache, ifyou'll sit here and keep me comp'ny by thinkin' you've had your dinner.Is it a go?"
Well, it wa'n't. He shrugs his shoulders, and says he's afraid I'm adifficult subject, and then he teeters off on his toes. Sadie tells me Iought to be ashamed of myself for tryin' to be so fresh.
"He's a very distinguished man," she says. "He's the founder ofToodleism. He's written a book about it."
"I thought he looked like a nutty one," says I. "Keep him away from me;I'll be all right by mornin'."
The argument might have lasted longer; but just then comes the dinnercall, and they all goes in where the little necks was waitin' on thecracked ice, and I'm left alone to count the jumps and enjoy myself.Durin' one of the calm spells I wanders into the lib'ry, picks a funnypaper off the tabl
e, and settles down in a cozy corner to read the jokes.I must have been there near an hour, when in drifts the loppy young ladyin the pink what-d'ye-call-it,--the one I'd made the silent hit with inthe gym.,--and she makes straight for me.
"Oh, here you are!" says she, like we was old friends. "Do you know, I'vejust heard of your--your trouble."
"Ah, it ain't any killin' matter," says I. "It don't amount to much."
"Of course it doesn't!" says she. "And that is what I came to talk to youabout. I am Miss Lee,--Violet Lee."
"Ye-e-es?" says I.
"You see," she goes on, "I am Dr. Toodle's secretary and assistant."
"Oh!" says I. "He's in luck, then."
"Now, now!" says she, just like that, givin' me a real giddy tap with herfan. "You must be real serious."
"I'm in condition to be all of that," says I. "Are you plannin' to trythe----"
"I am going to help you to banish the imaginary pains, Mr. McCabe," saysshe. "Now first you must repeat after me the _summum bonum_."
"Eh?" says I.
"It's very simple," says she, floppin' down on the cushions alongside andreachin' out for one of my hands. "It begins this way, 'I am a child oflight and goodness.' Now say that."
Say, how would you duck a proposition of that kind? There was Violet,with her big eyes rolled at me real pleadin', and her mouth puckered upreal cunning, and the soft, clingin' grip on my right paw. Well, I saysit over.
"That's it!" she purrs. "Now, 'Evil and fear and pain are the creaturesof darkness.' Go on!"
"Sure thing!" says I. "'Evil and fear and----Ouch!"
Ever feel one of them last gasps that a nerve gives when it goes out ofbusiness? I thought the top of my head was comin' off. But it didn't, anda couple of seconds later I knew the jumpin' was all over; so Istraightens my face out, and we proceeds with the catechism.
It was a bird, too. I didn't mind doin' it at all with Miss Lee there tohelp; for, in spite of her loppy ways, she's more or less of a candygirl. There was a good deal to it, and it all means the same as whatToodle was tryin' to hand out; but now that the ache has quit I'm readyfor any kind of foolishness.
Violet had got to the point where she has snuggled up nice and close,with one hand still grippin' mine and the other smoothin' out my jawwhile she told me again how pain was only a pipe dream,--when I glancesover her shoulder and sees Sadie floatin' in hangin' to Dr. Toodle'sarm.
And does Sadie miss the tableau in our corner? Not to any extent! Hereyebrows go up, and her mouth comes open. That's the first indication.Next her lips shut tight, and her eyes narrow down, and before you couldcount three she's let go of Toodle as if he was a hot potato, and she'smakin' a bee line for the cozy corner.
"Why!" says Miss Lee, lookin' up and forecastin' the comin' conditions ina flash. "Is dinner over? Oh, and there's Dr. Toodle!" and off she trips,leavin' the McCabe fam'ly to hold a reunion.
"Well, I never!" says Sadie, givin' me the gimlet gaze. And say, she putsplenty of expression into them three words.
"Me either," says I. "Not very often, anyway. But a chance is a chance."
"I hope I didn't intrude?" says she, her eyes snappin'.
"There's no tellin'," says I.
"It was a very touching scene!" says she. "Very!"
"Wa'n't it?" says I. "Nice girl, Violet."
"Violet! Humph!" says she. "There's no accounting for tastes!"
"Just what I was thinkin' when I see you with the timelock clutch on thatfreak doctor's south wing," says I.
"Dr. Toodle," says she, "was explaining to me his wonderful self healingtheories."
"And dear Violet," says I, "was puttin' me through a course of sprouts inthe automatic toothache cure."
"Oh, indeed!" says Sadie. "Was patting your cheek part of it?"
"I hope so," says I.
"Huh!" says she. "I suppose it worked?"
"Like a charm," says I. "All that bothers me now is how I can dig upanother pain."
"You might have your dear Violet see what can be done for that soft spotin your head!" she snaps. "Only next time take her off out of sight,please."
"Oh, we'll attend to that, all right," says I. "This havin' a green eyedwife buttin' in just at the interestin' point is something fierce!" Andthat's where I spread it on too thick.
"Don't be a chump, Shorty!" says Sadie, lettin' loose a sudden giggle andmussin' my hair up with both hands. It's a way she has of gettin' out ofa corner, and she's skipped off before I'm sure whether she's still got agrouch, or is only lettin' on.
By that time my appetite has come back; so I holds up the butler and hashim lay out a solitaire feed. And when I goes back to the crowd again Ifinds Toodle has the center of the stage, with the spotlight full on him.All the women are gathered round, listening to his guff like it was soundsense. Seems he's organized a new deal on the thought cure stunt, andhe's workin' it for all it's worth. The men, though, don't appear soexcited over what he's sayin'.
"Confounded rubbish, I call it!" says Mr. Purdy-Pell.
"You ought to hear it from Violet," says I. "She's the star explainer ofthat combination."
But Violet seems to have faded into the background. We don't see anythingmore of her that evenin', nor she wa'n't in evidence next mornin'. Doc.Toodle was, though. He begins by tellin' how he never takes anything buthot water and milk on risin'; but that in the middle of the forenoon hemakes it a point to put away about three fresh laid eggs, raw, in a glassof sherry.
"How interesting!" says Mrs. Purdy-Pell. "Then we must drive over toFernbrook Farm, right after breakfast, and get some of their lovely WhiteLeghorn eggs."
That was the sort of excursion I was rung into; so the bunch of us pilesinto the wagonette and starts for a fresh supply of hen fruit. When wegets to the farm the superintendent invites us to take a tour through theincubator houses, and of course they all wants to see the dear littlechickies and so on. All but me. I stays and chins with the coachman whilehe walks the horses around the driveway.
In about half an hour they comes troopin' back, Toodle in the lead,luggin' a paper bag full of warm eggs. He don't wait for the others, butpikes for the wagonette and climbs in one of the side seats facin' me. Wewas just turnin' to back up to the block for the ladies, when a yellowkyoodle dashes around the corner after a cat. Them skittish horses wasjust waitin' for some such excuse as that, and before Mr. Driver can putthe curb bit on 'em hard enough they've done a quick pivot, cramped thewheels, and turned us over on the soggy grass as neat as anything youever see.
Me bein' on the low side, I strikes the ground first; but before I cansquirm out, down comes Toodle on top, landin' his one hundred and ninetypounds so sudden that it knocks the wind clear out of me. He's turnedover on the way down, so I've got his shoulder borin' into my chest andthe heavy part of him on my leg.
Course, the women squeals, and the horses cut up some; but the driver haslanded on his feet and has them by the head in no time at all, so wewa'n't dragged around any. Noticin' that, I lays still and waits forToodle to pry himself loose. But the Doc. don't seem in any hurry tomove, and the next thing I know I hear him groanin' and mumblin' underhis breath. Between groans he was tryin' to say over that rigmarole ofhis.
"I am a child of light--Oh, dear me!--of light and goodness!" he waspantin' out. "Evil and fear and--Oh, my poor back!--and pain arecreatures of--Oh my, oh my!--of darkness! Nothing can harm me!"
"Say, something is goin' to harm you mighty sudden," says I, "if youdon't let me up out of this."
"Oh, my life blood!" he groans. "I can feel my life blood! Oh, oh! I am achild of----"
"Ah, slush!" says I. "Get up and shake yourself. Think I'm a bloomin'prayer rug that you can squat on all day? Roll over!" and I manages tohand him a short arm punch in the ribs that stirs him up enough so I canslide out from under. Soon's I get on my feet and can hop around once ortwice I finds there's no bones stickin' through, and then I turns to havea look at him.
And say, I wouldn't have missed that exhibition
for twice the shakin' upI got! There he is, stretched out on the wet turf, his eyelidsflutterin', his breath comin' fast, and his two hands huggin' tightwhat's left of that bu'sted paper bag, right up against the front of hispreacher's vest. And can you guess what's happened to them eggs?
"Oh, my life blood!" he keeps on moanin'. "I can feel it oozingthrough----"
"Ah, you're switched, Toodle!" says I. "Your brain kodak is out ofregister, that's all. It ain't life blood you're losin'; it's only yournew laid omelet that's leakin' over your vest front."
About then I gets a squint at Sadie and Mrs. Purdy-Pell, and they'realmost chokin' to death in a funny fit.
Well, say, that was the finish of Toodleism with the Rockywold bunch. TheDoc. didn't have a scratch nor a bruise on him, and after he'd beenhelped up and scraped off, he was almost as good as new. But hisconversation works is clogged for good, and he has his chin down on hiscollar. They sends him and Violet down to catch the next train, and Sadieand Mrs. Purdy-Pell spends the rest of the day givin' imitations of howToodle hugged up the eggs and grunted that he was a child of light.
"Not that I don't believe there was something in what he said," Sadieexplains to me afterwards; "only--only----"
"Only he was a false alarm, eh?" says I. "Well, Violet wa'n't that kind,anyway."
"Pooh!" says she. "I suppose you'll brag about Violet for the rest ofyour life."
Can you keep 'em guessin' long, when it comes to things of that kind? Notif they're like Sadie.