“You’ve changed,” he utters.
I’m getting the distinct impression he’s not talking about the length of my hair or the style of my clothes.
“Yeah, and you’re just exactly the same as you were the day I left.” I reach for the door handle, pausing, I turn back, meeting his eyes. “Actually, no scrap that. You’re not the same, you’re an even bigger arsehole than you were before!”
I slam the door behind me and fall against the wall beside it, heart pounding. The tears I was holding in start to run down my face.
I feel used, and cheap.
Of all the things I ever thought Nathan could make me feel, it wasn’t them.
He didn’t have sex with me because he missed me, or because he loves me and it’s been torture for him all this time without me. He had sex with me to punish me. To hurt me. He knows it would hurt me to do this, because he knows how much I care about him. I’ve always worn my feelings for him plain for him to see.
And all because I hurt his damn fucking pride. How could he do that to me? I thought he cared about me. Maybe he did, once upon a time, long ago, but not now it seems.
I’d hate him right now if I didn’t love him so much.
I want to run away and hide, but I can’t. Not again. I’m not going to just up and leave. I‘m not giving him the satisfaction of being right. I’m going to stay here until it bugs the shit out of him and drives him to talk to me like a sensible person would, instead of acting like a teenage boy.
I look toward the stairs. It’s the only way to get away from Nathan, but I also know down there is the one other person I’ve been terrified to face for a long time now. But also the one other person I know I have to talk too. I never got the chance to before I left here. The day he buried Sol.
Taking a deep breath I wipe my face dry and very nervously head downstairs.
Jack’s in the kitchen with his back to me, making coffee, when I push the door open.
He turns to me. He seems to have aged some while I’ve been gone. I guess it’s to be expected after what he’s been through.
“Hiya, Alex, love.” His voice is warm.
Everything’s the same in here as I remember. The sight of Jack in here making coffee slams open my nostalgia and I feel tears well in my eyes. A long old wound cracks open in my chest, and I suddenly feel like a little kid again. A kid who wants a hug from their dad. Wants them to tell them everything’s going to be okay. Except Jack’s not my dad. He was the closest thing to one before Sol died. But I am the reason Sol died. I’m the reason he lost his youngest child. He has every right to hate me. But by the way he’s looking at me now, I’m not so sure he hates me after all.
“Are you passing through or staying?” he asks. There’s no harshness in his words, only kindness and a light smile.
“Depends.” I shrug lightly, looking to the floor.
“On?”
My bottom lip quivers. “Nathan … you.”
“Me?” He looks surprised.
“Hmm.” I bite my lip trying to hold back the tears. I can’t cry. It’s not fair on him to do so.
“I get the Nathan problem.” He shrugs, then a small laugh. “Because, Nathan’s well … Nathan. But me, Alex, love …” He lets out a light sigh. “I once told you this was your home. That hasn’t changed.”
I crumble. Tears are running out of my eyes before I can even attempt to stop them. Jack crosses the kitchen in a few strides and wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in a hug.
He smells of everything familiar. Cigars and coffee. Jack is the closest and best thing I’ll ever get to having a dad again. He could never replace my own, but he sure comes in at a close second.
“You okay?” he asks after a minute, patting my hair.
I nod into his chest.
Jack loosens his hold on me and rests his hands against my arms. “I’ve really missed having you here.”
“I’ve missed being here.” I notice my tears have soaked through his shirt. “Sorry,” I gesture.
He looks down and rubs a hand over the wet patch. “Don’t worry,” he says kindly. “I brought up three boys. I’ve had worse on me.” A grin.
I can’t help but smile back.
Leaving me, Jack gets some kitchen roll off the side and hands it to me. “So Nathan’s being his usual self I take it?”
I gulp down and twist the kitchen roll in my hands. “He’s angry.”
“He’s always angry.” Jack smiles lightly.
“He’s got a right to be angry with me though.” I hate to admit it but leaving him like I did was never going to illicit anything but anger. Seeing a slight sense of reason, he has a right to be angry. Not to do what he did; sleeping with me to hurt me, that was a bastard’s trick, but the anger, I can’t deny him.
“Has he?” Jacks response throws me. I give him a surprised look. “From where I’m standing, he’s got no reason to be pissed at you. You did what you thought was right at the time. You did what he couldn’t. You let go. That makes you strong in my books.”
I feel a swell of emotion inside. Jack thinks I’m strong. There’s no higher compliment in my books.
“And to be honest, love,” he continues, “He’s not angry with you. He’s angry with himself … and a little bit pissed off with me at the moment too. But that’s nothing your coming home won’t help clear up.”
I furrow my brows, confused by his last sentence.
“A lot of ears here.” He tugs on his ear lobe and I immediately catch his drift. “I was just getting ready to go visit with Sol, you want to come and keep me company?”
He holds out his hand to me in offering.
I have a knot twisting my stomach. Visiting Sol’s grave will undoubtedly mean a conversation I’ve never had with Jack. One I’m afraid to have. Fearful of what he’ll say.
He smiles at me, seeing my hesitation. “Come on we can talk on the way.” He gives me a knowing wink, trying to lighten the obvious tension I’m creating.
“Sure,” I nod. “I would love to keep you company.”
I follow behind Jack, pausing as he retrieves a bunch of tied flowers off the work top, and then I follow him out of the back door and into the fresh crisp English morning.
Chapter 23: Ghosts
As we walk across the field toward the woods, Jack and me make idle chatter. I can smell the scent of home so clearly now.
I didn’t really pay attention last night. I was too nervous about seeing Nathan. But now I can smell my home. It warms and soothes me. Funny, I’d spent so much time missing the people here I’d not realised just how much I missed my home.
“So Erin had a girl,” I say, smiling, at the happy news Jack just shared with me. I hide the little drop of sadness I feel deep inside that I wasn’t around when she was born.
Jack nods, beaming proudly. “Ahh she is beautiful, Alex. Looks just like Erin.”
Good thing, I think to myself. Let’s just hope she’s all parts Erin and no parts Cal.
“What did they call her?” I ask.
“Rose.”
“Beautiful name. I’d love to see her,” I say more out politeness, even though I know that’s probably not a good idea. I do miss Erin and I would love to see little Rose, but Cal, not so much.
“Oh, they’re not here at the moment love. They all went to stay with Erin’s sister after – you know … Sol.”
The temperature suddenly drops by about a thousand degrees.
“Oh.”
“When they come back, then for sure, I know Erin would love to see you,” he says, trying to ease the situation.
I offer a smile. “And how is Cal?” I have to ask. It’s kind of hard to care after what he did to me, but he is Jack’s son. I wrap my arms around myself, more for something to do with them.
A pause. “He’s ahh … you know.” A shrug.
Silence hits us. Cal, not a great topic of conversation. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned him.
“So, Scarlett’s still living here
. That’s great. And Craig’s here too.” I could sense them both in the house. They were still sleeping when we left, thankfully. I don’t think I can face them just yet.
“Yeah.” Jack sounds happy to talk about them. “Scarlett’s a great kid. She’s had a rough life, never knew her parents, in and out of foster care all her life – then onto the streets, where those fuckers picked her up from.” The hairs on the back of my neck prickle and a shiver slides down my back. “It took a while, you know it was a big shock to her, finding out the world wasn’t exactly as she believed it to be, but she coped well, and she’s good now. She helps me here on the farm. Craig does too. He’s back and forth from his law practice in Leeds, helping me out. He’s a good kid. And I’ve appreciated his help, both their help to be honest. It’s been tough you know – Sol’s passing, Cal leaving, and Nathan’s never here…”
“Wait.” I stop walking. Jack stops too; turning back he looks at me. “What do you mean Nathan’s never here?”
He gives me an uneasy look. “Alex love … he’s been looking for you ever since the day you left.”
I feel like I’ve just been hit by a freight train. Twice.
“He’s been looking for me?” I can barely get the words out.
Jack nods.
“And … when exactly did he stop?” I have a feeling I already know the answer.
Jack gives an unnecessary look at his watch. “As of about four o’clock this morning.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know what else to say. What can I say? I think I may have actually gone into shock.
“He’s been home, maybe, what, two weeks in total out of the last six months you’ve been gone. Just a couple of days at a time he stays home, before he takes off again. He literally just got back yesterday morning. Luckily really that he had, you coming home ‘an all.”
My mouth forms an ‘O’ again, but nothing comes out this time.
He’s been looking for me for all this time. Why? He’s clearly pissed off with me for leaving and then coming back, but yet he’s been searching for me. I get in the beginning why he’d look for me. Nathan’s got a lot of pride and he’s stubborn, it would have hurt his control freak side that I’d taken charge and left. But to look for me for six months … I just don’t even know what to think about that. Or feel to be honest.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand him, or his motives.
“Are you okay?” Jack asks concerned, at my clearly odd behaviour.
I haven’t moved, or blinked, or spoken, for several minutes now.
Blinking, I say, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little confused, I guess.”
“Welcome to life with Nathan,” he murmurs, a little chuckle, and he’s carries on walking to the woods.
Finding my feet, I catch pace beside him.
We enter in through the trees. I feel the temperature drop at the loss of sunlight. It’s not long before I see Sol’s grave.
A feel the inevitable lump in my throat. There’s a beautiful headstone on his grave now. I wonder when they got it.
Jack walks over and kneels down at his grave. I sit beside Jack.
Turning to me, he gives me a sad smile. “Nathan blames himself for Sol’s death.”
I look at him.
“Just like you do you,” he adds.
I look to the floor. My guilt is etched all over my face.
“There’s not a single day that passes where I don’t wish I’d made Sol stay home that night,” he says.
“You couldn’t have stopped him,” I say quietly. I bite my lip wondering if I should have said that at all. Maybe I overstepped my mark.
“You’re right. Doesn’t make me think it any less though.” He exhales deeply. “I guess we all blame ourselves for Sol’s death.” He looks directly at me. “But it was none of our faults. We couldn’t have prevented it. And I never blamed you, Alex. Never. Or Nathan. Or Cal for that matter. I just wish Nathan didn’t blame himself.” Another heavy sigh. “I’ve lost Sol. I’ve as near as good lost Cal. I can’t lose Nathan too. He’s all I have left.” There’s real desperation in his voice.
I feel panic rising in my chest. “Why would you ever lose him?”
“He’s broken, Alex. Completely. Worse than when he came back from Iraq. Broken over Sol. Over you. I don’t mean to lay any guilt on you. I get why you left, I really do. And I admired you for it. I’m just praying you coming back fixes this a bit. Fixes him.”
“He’s broken, how?” The fear is tightening across my chest.
“The drinking’s bad – no it’s worse,” he highlights. “He doesn’t sleep. Barely eats. He’s lost weight. Basically he’s driving himself into the ground.”
“And you think my being here will help him? I’m sorry Jack but I’m not sure about that. I think I’m the last person who can help him. He’s beyond angry with me right now.”
“You’re the only person that can help him. I’ve never seen him the way he is over you. If you could just talk to him, make him listen, see reason. He won’t listen to me or Craig. But I know he’ll listen to you.”
I’m not so sure about that. He’s got way more confidence in me than I have.
“I was going to talk to him anyway,” I say. “There are some things he needs to know, but I can try and talk some sense into him if you think that will help.” I don’t want Nathan to hurt in any way. Just the thought of the pain he’s been in is suffocating the hell out of me.
I reach over and pick a wildflower from out of the ground. Putting it to my nose I smell it. I hold it to my chest and stare straight ahead at Sol’s headstone.
“I do think it’ll help.” Jack nods, then reaches out and dusts some dirt off Sol’s headstone with his hand.
I was expecting Jack to ask me what else I need to talk to Nathan about, actually I’ve been wondering when he was going to ask why I came back home. But he hasn’t.
I know I should tell Nathan first. But I also should tell Jack; it’s the least I owe him.
Taking a deep breath, I wrap my arms around myself.
“You’re probably wondering why I came back home after all this time.”
He casts me a glance. “Once or twice.” A little smile.
I take a deep breath. “An Original found me.”
“Which one?” he asks calmly, no hesitation at all.
I glance at him, surprised. I expected him to be shocked, stunned. But he’s looking at me like he was expecting it all along.
“I knew it would have to be big for you to come back. I know how much you love Nathan and why you were staying away.”
“I haven’t brought the danger with me,” I say quickly. I need him to know I would never bring danger to them again.
He looks at me steady. “Like I just said, I know how much you love Nathan.”
I let out a breath.
“Does Nathan know?” he asks.
I shake my head. “We didn’t get that far.”
“You need to tell him. In fact you need to talk to him more about that than the other stuff right now.”
“I know,” I sigh. “I was going to tell him this morning, it just didn’t work out that way. He wasn’t in the best mood.”
Jack runs his hand over his hair. “He spends all that time looking for you, and the moment he’s got you back, he’s pushing you away. I know he’s my son, and I will love him until the day I die, but I will never understand that boy.”
I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. “You and me both.”
There’s a small silence between us.
“So the Original, he cares for you?”
I look at him curious. “What do you mean?”
He gives me a look. A look which tells me exactly what he means.
I want to kiss you … I love you. Zeff’s words echo in my mind.
I shrug, pointlessly. Jack already knows the answer.
“He said he was trying to help keep me safe, that he wants to continue doing so. He said he isn
’t like Isaiah–”
“So it’s Matthias then.”
I nod, releasing I hadn’t told him which of the two. “He said he doesn’t want the same things as his brother and hasn’t for a long time. That he wants to protect me from him.”
“Do you believe him?”
“He hasn’t given me any reason not to.”
“But you left him and came back here.”
“Yeah,” I nod. “I was scared and confused, and I just wanted to see Nathan. And you.” I rub my tired eyes. “I guess it was the excuse I’d been looking for to bring me back home.”
“So if Matthias isn’t out to hurt you, that leaves only one. Makes things a bit easier in a strange kind of way.” He shrugs, probably as confused as I am by it all.
“Not exactly.” I turn to face him. “The vampires know I exist. Elijah knows.”
“Ah.” Pause. “Then you definitely need to tell Nathan.”
“I know. I’m just worried over how he’ll react.”
“He might surprise you.”