***
In the beginning of November I walk to the library hoping to study a few cases for the assignment that is due next month. I choose the quiet corner since I’ve got a few hours. I’m the only person in that section. I need to get on top of the reading. Some of the classes are tough, so I need to work harder for the good grades I want.
I haven’t posted anything on my blog, but I’m planning to go to the cinema this weekend with Dora, if she hasn’t made any plans already. It will be hard to persuade her to see a horror film. The library is peaceful and I’m glad that I’m the only one in the room. Braxton is my new home now, and it’s much more that I imagined it would be.
I’m alone for the first hour, but after that a student takes the table in front of me. He is studying economics, judging from the materials that he has with him. He is tall, built like an athlete, with longish baby blond hair and flat nose. He stares at me for several seconds before he goes back to his books.
“Hey, have you got a pen?” he asks, smiling after a few minutes of intense searching in his pockets. I reach into my bag wondering if I brought any extra pens. Luckily, I find one and pass it to him. I have to give him points for a nice smile and his fabulous T-shirt. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like he has a foreign accent. Swedish or Norwegian maybe.
“Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it,” I reply.
I get back to my case, and he starts taking out all his books. For the next hour and a half we both work in silence. Sometimes I have to read the text several times because I think that the guy in front of me keeps staring at me. I glance at him once or twice, but he doesn’t look at me. My mind wanders off to Gargle. Mum insists that I visit before Christmas, but I’m not quite sure if I can take a break, I’ve got so much coursework to hand in before December.
“Hey, I’m going to be that lame guy and ask what are you studying?” this blond guy with the cutest accent on this planet says unexpectedly. “I’m only asking because I need to have a reason to talk to you.”
I lift my head and look into his incredible blue eyes. “I’m doing law, as you can see. Boring and predictable,” I reply, smiling.
“Law. Wow, so you’re brainy then?”
“No, just determined and probably stupid. I have no idea what is coming to me in the near future.” I laugh. My films pushed me into studying criminal law. I’m just fascinated about the power that I could gain because of who I am. “By the way, I’m going to ask a lame question. Your accent, is it—”
“Swedish. Yeah, it’s noticeable, I guess.” He laughs.
“So what’s a guy like you doing studying in the evenings instead of enjoying university life?” I ask, chewing my pen. It’s only the beginning of the term.
He frowns, scratching his head, still staring at me. Then he gets up and walks to the table next to me and sits down. “The same as you, trying to study, but it was just a waste of time because I’ve been distracted since I came into the library.”
“I don’t get it; this is the best place to read. It’s quiet,” I tell him, feeling a little nervous talking to him. Since Christian’s death I’ve mostly stayed away from men. I survived because I hated Oliver. I tried to date a few other guys, but after losing my virginity to some loser I gave up on acting normal. The panic attacks kept coming back, so I decided to stay away from opposite sex.
He smiles, playing with the pen. “It’s difficult not to get distracted if a beautiful girl like you sits in front of me.”
I blush. “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to distract you.”
“It’s okay. I just needed an excuse to talk to you. I’m Alexander, by the way.”
“India.”
“Are you done with your reading?” he asks, getting up.
I don’t know what to say or how to react. My stomach is in knots, and I glance around wondering if this is one of Oliver’s traps or if he is watching me right now. “No, but I doubt that I could concentrate on this right now. I must have burned my brain.”
“You’ll probably think that I’m crazy or rude, but I want to take you out for a coffee. I know that we just met, but I might regret this for the rest of my life if I don’t ask.” He bites his lips, folding his large arms together.
I have to admit his accent is super cute and I like him being that forward. My demons won’t leave me alone if I don’t even try to move on. I need to give myself another chance and just start seeing men. Not all of them are bad.
“I think that might be a little bit difficult as the coffee shop is now closed. It’s after nine.” My voice cracks and I blush again. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Alexander is probably a nice guy and I’m panicking because he took an interest in me. I need to get a grip.
He starts closing my books, smiling. His blue eyes are so different from Oliver’s. I shake my head. Stop thinking about him. He isn’t worth it.
“Don’t worry I know where we can go,” he says, watching me intensely. “If you want to, that is.”
What the hell. I can do this. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”
“Are you sure?”
I pack all my books in my rucksack and push him forward. “Chill, it’s fine. I need to get out of here anyway.”
Maybe I’m out of my mind pretending that I’m emotionally stable and agreeing to go out with some random guy that I just met, but I have to at least try. I can’t stay miserable for the rest of my life.
It’s raining when we get outside, but Alexander is prepared. He has an umbrella.
I keep telling myself that I’m going to be fine. Fifteen minutes later, we run to a small cozy bistro. He comes back with a liqueur coffee that I accept with a smile.
We start chatting away, and soon I realize that Alexander is a decent guy who has been in the UK for a while. He studied in Braxton last year and loved it so much that he decided to come back for the next year. He is originally from Oslo, studying economics. Alexander sounds like he really wants to get to know me. He asks the right questions and doesn’t talk about himself all the time.
“So your friend Dora bailed on you for that new hot guy?” he asks, once I go over my past few weeks on campus. Dora is always a hot subject and I wish that she could be here with me. She always knows how to behave when it comes to guys. She can just wrap them around her little finger. Dora is an expert in flirting, like I used to be—before that terrible party at Christian’s house.
Sipping my amaretto coffee, I start ranting about films and my blog for about half an hour. When I finally let him say something, he shares with me his obsession with extreme sports. It turns out that he is some kind of adrenaline junkie. He is doing a bungee jump next month somewhere in Cornwall. He lives in the south part of the city with a few French guys. We talk for while and before we even know, it’s after eleven and I need to get going as I have an early lecture.
He walks me to my apartment that I share with Dora. “I had a really good time. Is it all right if I take your number?”
I hesitate. I have this odd gut feeling that I should say no, but Alexander seems like a nice guy.
He narrows his eyes, watching me closely before he adds, “Okay, I’m backing off. I know that I shouldn’t ask, but I feel like I’ve known you for years.”
“It’s okay, of course. I’m such an idiot. I had a really good time as well.”
Alexander types his number into my phone and smiles. “You’re not an idiot; you’re just careful, I presume,” he says looking straight into my eyes. “I’m taking you to the cinema this weekend…of course if you don’t have any other plans.”
“That sounds good. I really wanted to see that new horror film, and I don’t think that Dora would go. She isn’t a big fan of scary movies.”
“We got a deal then.” He laughs.
I turn around and walk back to my apartment, and he goes off his way. Once I get in, I try to take a few deep breaths because my heart beats faster with every step. I can only hope that it’s not another panic attack. I don’t thin
k I can handle any more disappointments. Our attraction is mutual. Alexander wouldn’t ask me out again if he wasn’t interested.
Instead of dwelling on what is going to happen, I take a long bath and call Dora. After all, she is my best friend, and when I tell her what’s happened tonight she nearly has a flip. She is going to ditch Jacob tomorrow and meet me for lunch to discuss my new hot crush.
When I finally get her off the phone, I go to sleep wondering if I will be able to handle the date.
Then I remember the past and the way I treated Oliver.
Past
Me and the rest of my pack had been spreading rumors around school that Oliver had an STD. Girls believed me even though I knew that Oliver didn’t sleep around. It was just easier to hate him rather than carry on being friends with him and pretend that nothing had happened. Last week he was beaten up by big Richard because he stared at him for too long. I should have felt bad, but when I saw Oliver’s face this morning I felt liberated from the pain that his brother had caused me. My physical wounds were healed, but I’d been left with large burn patches all over me. I lost the ability to function that night, and even after my mother informed me that Christian died, I didn’t feel better. The relief sank in later. That night I wanted to slash my wrists and die. I told no one. Instead I kept away the secret. After all, Christian was now dead, so he couldn’t pay for what he had done.
Hurting Oliver was just part of the healing process. When I passed him in the corridor, he looked at me with those empty eyes expecting me to apologize that he was beaten up. I was the only one who knew that the rumors about his STD were false, but I carried on hurting him, fighting for my survival.
The first couple of years I thought that I loved him unconditionally. Then after Christian’s death I started hating him. He never understood why, but it was better that way. He didn’t react when I insulted him in front of the girls, he just stood there watching me like it was all my fault that he couldn’t stand up for himself.
Present
When I meet Dora later on for lunch she doesn’t stop nagging me with questions about Alexander, while Jacob stares at her like she is the only girl in the canteen. Today it’s my second official date with Alexander, and I have been chewing my nails all day wondering if I should cancel. We are going to the cinema, but still, I have that bad gut feeling like something isn’t going to go according to plan and I’ll screw everything up. People are staring at me, more than usual. I feel like I’m under surveillance 24/7, like people are waiting to see how Oliver is going to win his bet.
It’s just after lunchtime, when I see Oliver walking in with Mackenzie, scanning the space. I don’t know if he notices me, but he tightens his grip around her shoulders, heading towards opposite side of the canteen. He looks relaxed and happy. I have never seen him like that, not even when his brother was alive. I try to spot Alexander, but he doesn’t seem to be around.
“Oh, India, are you even listening?” Dora asks, throwing me away from my thoughts about Oliver.
“Yeah, sorry. I am now,” I reply, pulling my hair in a tight knot. It seems like every girl in this room is aware that Oliver is here. Most of them are staring, the others whispering or giggling nervously. People used to react like that when I walked into the room. Others were aware of me because of Christian. He had power and people looked up to him—but only I knew about his dark, vicious side. No one else.
“So, what’s the deal with that Swedish guy? I thought that you didn’t want to date at all,” she says, staring at me intensely.
“Dora, can we not have this conversation in front of Jacob? It’s kind of personal,” I hiss when Jacob leaves her table to talk to a group of guys.
“Chill out. Jacob is fine. He is on your side, so don’t worry about him,” she says, waving me off like it’s not a big deal talking about my personal life in front of her new boyfriend —who is also a friend of the guy that made a bet to destroy me. Yeah, this can’t get any more promising.
“If you want to talk to me, then I’ll be at home after twelve,” I tell her and get up.
“But, India! I want to see him. Don’t be a bitch, come on,” she calls after me. But I ignore her. She can’t keep her mouth shut. A few people glance at me as I pass by carrying my tray.
Before I turn toward the bins, I trip on something and fall on my face. My tray flies through the air in the slow motion slopping the food everywhere. I crash on the ground making a hell of a noise. For a split second or two no one reacts, as I try to pick myself up off the ground.
“Sorry there. I didn’t see you,” says someone. I hear the laughs all around me, and I turn to see a tall dark-haired bloke who is smirking. Then he gives the thumbs up to someone on the other side of the canteen. I follow his gaze, pissed, but my jaw drops when I spot Oliver, who is laughing with Mackenzie and nodding towards the bloke.
A cold sweat covers my body from head to toe; our eyes meet only for a brief moment. He looks satisfied and indulged with my humiliation. Everyone in the canteen is staring and laughing at me. I pick myself up, trying to cover my scarlet face. I run towards the entrance, forgetting about food, still hearing Oliver’s laugh behind me.
He should be satisfied. He got what he wanted. I fell over and made myself look like a right idiot. God, I hate Oliver so much that it hurts. I have been squishing the truth deep inside me when he was around, not able to let it go.
A year after he vanished from Gargle I bought a ticket to Edinburgh. I was ready to see him. I had a year to think about what I’d done and the way I treated him. A year to gain the courage to tell him the truth. The day I was scheduled to leave I went to see his mother to tell her what I planned. When I got there, she was lying unconscious on the sofa with a bottle of pills in her hand. That day I didn’t go anywhere. I stayed until the ambulance came and then later her husband. I wrote more letters, but yet again I never had the guts to send them.