Chapter 32
Later, I find myself laying on a row of seats festively decked in the M.S.A. colors. I think something’s wrong with my head, maybe from all the screaming and crying I did, but then I see the windows. So Hale did listen to me. He even did it all without my help. I’m glad, but hijacking government transportation has always been my thing. It feels strange that now I have to share it with Hale. But I guess I was pretty useless this morning, so what was he supposed to do?
I’m glad it’s still dark, because I’m not ready for tomorrow yet. And it’s quiet, no more yelling. That’s all done. I turn onto my stomach. Lium’s here, on the row in front of me. Hale found the first-aid kit. Gripping the tops of the chairs, I wobble around and take the seat by his head.
I’m not liking the way he just lays there, face puffy, knuckles stiff when I touch them.
“Crusa.”
I jump. He reaches back, but his hand just gropes the air. It looks painful so I take his fingers and rest them on his shoulder.
“Are you ok? Did they hurt you? Tell me.”
“Quiet, quiet, I’m fine,” I try to tell him, but he won’t have it. He accepts it only when I fold over and lay my head on his stomach. The unbandaged part. He puts a hand in my hair, and sighs.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what, Lium?”
“I swear I didn’t know, Crus. I didn’t know that he was your brother. I have a brother,” he says, surprised. His pupils are too dilated, actually. “And I would never, never…” he cuts himself off and I think he’s about to cry. He shakes his head too hard.
I tell him I know. I put a palm on his forehead. Against my skin it’s sticky and feverishly hot. It takes him a bit longer to stop the fearsome shaking.
I promise Camillo is fine, that Cassie said so. But when I try to get up he tells me to please don’t, just stay there. I settle back down, curled over him in a downy silence.
Since I’ve volunteered for deployment, my work at the base’s AIS labs is suspended and I’m on leave until departure. That’s not for another week, five, three more days, and all the while I loathe the thought of leaving this boat. I’ve spent most of my days laying on the seats out front, and cleaning this filthy vessel. Today goes by the same.
Later, it’s after dark and we’re all stumbling over each other trying to get ready for bed. Lium is much recovered thanks to the Resources officer who stocked this lab boat at a Great Proficient level, I’d give him. Currently, he’s drinking a cup of water right over me, which I’m getting better at not letting bother me given that no matter where he and Hale put themselves in the cabin they are literally right next to me, puts it down on a window sill, squeezes me on the ribs, lifts me up, I pull my knees up to my chest, and Hale, now able to bend over, reaches under me for a sock. Once he’s clear, Lium puts me back down with a “There we go,” all while I carry on brushing my teeth.
There’s a clatter and the boat pitches a bit. We all look at each other. There’s a not exactly whispered argument and then a triple knock on the cabin door.
I wipe my mouth and move towards it, but Lium puts a sprawled out hand on my stomach. He shakes his head, for my benefit I believe, while he stares over at Hale. I decide to go with it and hold very still, on account of Hale has the fire ax and looks like he’s got the whole door-answering thing covered.
Lium starts trying to nudge me further back and I scowl at him. He makes a shooing motion. I widen my eyes. A, no, and b, where does he propose I go?
He growls something under his breath that I’m not even sure is made up of real English words and stands smack dab in front of me. He then somehow manages to contort his arm so he can push me, from behind, into his back. I sigh and consider climbing up on the couch that of course, is right next to us.
While I contemplate, I get backed into the bathroom stall. Hale slinks to the side of the door, opposite the handle. Then he rips it open, and I startle and grab for a fistful of Lium. Then, I swear I hear him laugh, along with the accompanying scream from just outside the door.
“Eleni!” I call from on top of the toilet. Her eyes are huge and her hands are curled at her throat. And I think that’s Cassie hovering behind her.
“What do you want?” says Hale in a very unwelcoming tone of voice.
“Hale! Stop it, it’s just my cousins. Come in you guys, what are you doing here?” I hurdle Lium and tumble onto the carpet.
Apparently, the boys are too distracting, Hale with his hovering and Lium with his hand holding, because the girls stay frozen out on the deck.
“What are you doing out here, Crusa, forefathers? Come back. Why are you being so stupid?”
“I’m not being stupid, Eleni. Zizi told me not to come, so I’m not,” I say seriously.
She makes a throaty sound, “Please. You are so overdramatic. She was just mad that you wouldn’t listen to her. Once you do, she won’t care. She’ll let you back. She’s just waiting for you to come around.”
“I don’t want to come around, tell her that. She told me she didn’t need me around, so I won’t come. I won’t bother her anymore.”
“You know Andrew came by today, and he withdrew his offer of marriage. He spoke to Uncle Groton, and he’s gone, Crusa.”
Considering I turned Andrew down first, I’m surprised by the hollowness that seeps from my chest now. But hollowness doesn’t really hurt. It doesn’t really bother me at all.
“I don’t care he’s gone. So what?”
“So what? So what are we going to do? You’ve ruined us all. You ruined me!”
“You were going to do the same thing.”
“I was going to take you with me!” She pants, shadow at her back, “You should have taken me with you.”
I blink a few times. I can’t answer her. For the first time since that last morning at the meetinghouse, I feel regret.
“What’s wrong with you?” Eleni says, close to tears.
“Just shut up,” I say, too hurt to really argue.
“Crusa,” Cassie tugs on her. She whispers something. Then Eleni stomps right off the boat and drops into some smaller one.
“Crusa.”
Cassie is still there, standing quietly outside the door. The boys both shift around, twin-like.
“What?” I say miserably.
“Please come back.”
“Honey, I can’t.”
I shut my eyes and start shaking my head. I open them, but she’s gone. She’s gone so I bury myself in the couch.
I wake up on Lium’s chest, my leg over his, his arms around me. I’m so cozy. I look up and see his mouth, so calm and full and sweet. I burrow my head back down and his arms tighten. I sleep again.
I wake to him putting a curl behind my ear. I stretch and yawn loudly, gripping him tighter.
I feel him laughing. He’s happy. I wish I could stay longer. But today I have to leave.
I burrow deeper into his side. He’s quiet. We lay there long enough that my thoughts unravel, and dissolve.
The quarter-after bells.
“I have to go to the base.”
“What? Why?”
“I’m deploying tomorrow. I need to check in.” I get up and start searching for my shoes. Actually, I don’t remember if I came with any. I spot someone’s boots by the door, and go drop a foot in each one. They’re too big. I bend down to redo the laces.
“You’re still going?” Lium sits up.
“Yes. Tomorrow.”
He let’s me finish the other boot. They clamp my ankles, but the feet are loose when I take a few test steps.
“So you think I can’t take care of you?” I glance up. I should have done it sooner. Lium is glowering at me.
“What? No. No, I never thought that.”
Not really. Because that would mean I was really considering having him, Lium, take care of me. Which I’m not.
“Lium-”
“No. Don’t give me that, Crusa. It’s good to k
now what you think. You’re wrong, but it’s good for me to know.”
“Lium.”
“What? You gonna tell me some more about how I can’t meet your precious little standards, princess?”
“No. I’m just saying, it’s for the best. Apparently, I suck everyone I come into contact with as dry as a bone, and I’d rather leave you and your brother and everyone else...unsucked.”
He stares. I can’t blame him, that sounded really dumb. I try not to flinch.
“Crusa, what world do you live in?”
When I don’t say anything enlightening, he rubs his hands through his hair.
“You’re killing me.”
“Sorry.”
I catch his gaze. Yes, I did say that to annoy you, Lium.
He stands and takes the three steps towards me. They shift the boat.
“Don’t go to that place.”
“I have to.” I think I see him twitch.
“Crus…”
“No. Did you see what I did? No more, please, no more.” I gasp, “She doesn’t want me, Lium. She doesn’t want me, she hates me! I’m a waste. I’ve wasted her.”
I try not to breathe anymore because I think I’m hyperventilating. My eyebrows are fuzzy.
“Crusa.” God damnit, why does he get to be so calm?
“What.”
“Your aunt doesn’t hate you.”
“She does.”
He lets that sit while I continue to get myself under control.
“Crusa.”
“What?”
I watch him warily, tracking the upturned hands that he’s holding out between us. He comes towards me and says my name once more, “Crusa.” I don’t bolt as he’s being careful to stay back. A good distance, as I’ve retreated to the wall.
He crosses his arms, and nods slowly. “Fine. Go to that place,” he jerks his head towards the island. “But don’t stay. Come back after. Spend your last night with us.”
I stare now, stuck in some kind of pulsing trance.
I nod.
His eyes change, relieved. I go to him, and he ducks my head and hugs me, kisses me on the head. I rest there and close my eyes. I kiss the bottom of his jaw goodbye. He squeezes me one last time and then makes some wisecrack about having a good day at work, honey. He’ll miss me.
I go to the main lobby, two minutes later, I have goosebumps and my fingernails are blue. It smells the same, the AC grumbling sounds the same. I pick up a dense canvas bag from the lady in Resources, my orders tucked safely away in a tense, waterproof pocket, and follow deer paths down to the north shore.