All the eons of our existence.
Shrugging off Susano’s words, she rubbed one hand over her face. Despite her efforts, another memory took form: Shiro crushing his mouth to hers after she’d healed her injuries. Kissing her as though he couldn’t stop himself, his touch burning with uncharacteristic desperation. Had her near death frightened him that much?
I need you with me.
Her sharp exhale formed a cloud of white mist in front of her. Her thoughts twisted and turned, consumed with worries that had nothing to do with the coming trials, worries she shouldn’t even be considering. Her remaining life measured in mere weeks now. Shouldn’t she be fretting about something else besides what Shiro might or might not feel for her?
Behind her, quiet footsteps thudded on the wooden walkway. She turned and Shiro’s eyes captured hers. He’d pulled on an unfamiliar white kosode with long sleeves but hadn’t tucked it in, leaving a strip of his torso bared to the cold air. Stopping beside her, he draped a heavy blue haori over her shoulders. She gratefully slid her arms into the sleeves, suppressing a shiver.
“Forgot to think ahead again, hmm?” Deep and smooth, his voice blended with the soft night.
She huffed, not wanting to admit he was right. “Is your drinking game over?”
“I conceded defeat. I can’t keep up with those two.”
Leaning her shoulder against the pillar again, she gazed across the garden. Snow lazily fluttered down from the heavens to cover the low bushes and artfully arranged stones.
“You kept up just fine when you charged Orochi all by yourself,” she murmured. “I thought my heart was going to stop.”
“You don’t get to complain about me scaring you,” he said dryly. “Not after I got to watch a dragon bite you in half.”
A shiver ran down her spine as she remembered the crushing pressure and the slow suffocation as her lungs collapsed. She was lucky to be alive. And yet, with each breath she took, the short time she had left loomed ever darker, a shadow across her thoughts that she couldn’t shake.
“What happens next?” she asked softly.
“We recover as much strength as we can over the next few days. Since Izanami sent her vassals to ambush us, she obviously knows Susano has escaped. We will need to move quickly to reach Sarutahiko, in case Izanami decides it would be safer to kill him.”
“Would she?” Emi asked in alarm.
“If Sarutahiko died, Uzume would know immediately. She would leave Tsuchi and ruthlessly hunt Izanami down. Of all the Kunitsukami, Uzume is best suited to finding and defeating Izanami. I think Izanami will keep Sarutahiko alive for as long as possible, solely to delay Uzume’s wrath.” He shrugged. “After that, we’ll have to wait on Sarutahiko’s wisdom about the Bridge to Heaven and how to prevent Izanami from opening it.”
She picked at a splinter of wood on the pillar. “To rescue Sarutahiko, we’ll have to fight Tsukiyomi, won’t we?”
Shiro nodded, watching the snow fall. “Susano can probably survive Tsukiyomi, but defeat him? I doubt it. And I’ll be useless in that fight. Against water, fire always loses.”
Fear uncurled in her belly at the thought of Shiro with his foxfire going up against the Amatsukami of the Water. “Will Yumei be able to help Susano?”
“Perhaps.” He frowned, rubbing his hand over his jaw. “The Tengu is linked to his home mountains, to the very earth there, in ways a human can’t comprehend. He draws power from his territory and from Tsuchi, and the longer his absence, the more his power wanes. Izanami fled from him at Shirayuri, but Jorogumo might well have killed him without your help.”
“Yumei isn’t likely to hold back, though, if Susano needs his help.”
He cast her a sidelong glance. “We’ll just have to come up with a good plan that keeps Yumei out of Tsukiyomi’s direct line of fire then.”
“Yumei and you.”
“You need to keep out of Tsukiyomi’s sight more than I do. Even at an elemental disadvantage, I’m significantly more difficult to kill.”
“But you need to survive to—”
“You need to survive.” He turned to face her, his eyes gleaming in the soft light from the windows. “You are far too eager to throw your life away.”
She tore her gaze away from his and twisted her hands together. “You and Susano have to survive to stop Izanami. I know Amaterasu needs me so she can descend on the solstice, but I don’t—”
He grabbed her shoulder and spun her to face him. Her wide eyes met his burning stare.
“You are more than a body, Emi. You are more than a vessel for someone else’s will and power.”
“But I’m the kamigakari.” She shifted her weight, resisting the urge to look away. “It’s my duty—”
“To die? To put my life ahead of your own?” His jaw flexed. “Amaterasu may be willing to let you die for her, but I’m not. Don’t you dare choose my survival over yours again.”
“But—what—”
A growl crept into his voice. “You should have healed yourself first instead of taking the onenju off me.”
She stepped back from him and bumped into the pillar behind her. “I didn’t know if I could heal myself, so I removed the onenju to give you a chance to—”
“I would have figured it out.”
Scowling, she stubbornly straightened her shoulders beneath his disapproving glare. “Helping you was all I could do. You would have done the same thing.”
“Of course I would have saved your life over mine. If I die, I can come back again. You can’t.”
“Yumei said there’s no guarantee that a yokai will revive.”
“But it is guaranteed that a human won’t.”
“Shiro …” She pressed her lips together. “Shiro, you know I won’t live past the solstice.”
His eyes flashed.
“I only have a few weeks left either way.” Her voice quavered and she cleared her throat. “But I knew I could take the onenju off, so how could I choose any differently?”
He tilted his head, some of his disconcerting intensity dissipating. “You knew you could take them off? How were you so certain?”
“I …” She looked back to the garden. Pulling a lock of hair over her shoulder, she slid it through her hands. “When I spoke with Amaterasu, she said I needed to be fully committed to remove the curse. I thought I was committed before, but I wasn’t. I was …”
“You were afraid,” he finished softly.
She nodded.
“Afraid of what?”
Her hands clenched around the lock of her hair and she bit the inside of her cheek.
“What were you afraid of, Emi?”
She turned her back to him and rested one hand against the pillar. “I didn’t want to remove the onenju because … because I was afraid of what it would do to you.” She swallowed hard. “I was afraid that when your memories returned, you would turn into Inari and …”
She hunched her shoulders and forced the words out, barely managing a whisper. “And Inari wouldn’t have any reason to care about a human girl like me.”
Silence hung between them. As the seconds stretched longer and longer, she shrunk into herself, a terrible ache building inside her.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I promised to remove the onenju, but I was selfish and stupid and—”
His arms slid around her, catching her off guard. He wrapped himself around her from behind and pushed his face into her hair. She hesitantly put her hands over his, holding his arms against her middle. Her fingers brushed the single remaining loop of the onenju around his wrist.
He held her close, his breath stirring her hair. She leaned back into him, losing herself in his warmth, his closeness. Why did his touch make her feel so buoyant, so elated … so alive?
His lips brushed her ear as he finally spoke, his words soft, almost soundless.
“I don’t know how I’ll feel about anything when my memories return.” His arms tightened around her. “But I know I fear losing yo
u more than anything that might befall me.”
Tears stung her eyes. “Shiro …”
He would lose her no matter what. She was destined to die, to be consumed by Amaterasu in only a few short weeks. But she shouldn’t have to tell him that. He already knew, so why was he telling her he feared losing her? What was he trying to say?
Maybe it would be better if, when his memories returned, he stopped caring about her. Inari wouldn’t fear a weak mortal girl’s inevitable death. Inari wouldn’t mourn her. Inari wouldn’t care.
Inari wouldn’t love her.
But Shiro did.
Her heart stuttered. That’s what he was saying without actually speaking the words. That’s what he meant when he said losing her was his greatest fear. How had she come to mean so much to him in so little time? How could he love her, a mortal girl whose only accomplishment was being a kami’s host, when he was so much more?
She turned in his arms to face him. Fighting the urge to cower, to hide, she forced her gaze up to his face. Shadows slid through his eyes. And beneath the shadows, a glimmer of ancient power lurked deep within.
She lifted her hand, her fingers trembling faintly, until her fingertips found the edge of his jaw. She slid her fingers up the side of his face until they brushed the red symbol on his cheekbone.
Touching him was forbidden. Being held by him was forbidden. Her purity was her greatest priority, her utmost duty. If she compromised her makoto no kokoro, her harmony of spirit, with impure thoughts and desires, Amaterasu’s descension would kill her body. If she lost her connection to Amaterasu, she wouldn’t be able to remove the final onenju binding and Shiro wouldn’t be able to help the other Kunitsukami stop Izanami from opening the Bridge to Heaven.
Everything depended on her, and she had to protect her purity above all else. If she failed, she condemned the world to Izanami’s celestial, tyrannical rule.
So why couldn’t she remove her hand from his warm skin? Why couldn’t she step out of his arms?
For millennia and more, Inari has been alone.
Izanami’s words, and though she’d been twisting reality to deceive Amaterasu, Emi had seen their truth: she’d glimpsed the agony of ancient, bitter loneliness in Inari. He wasn’t capable of loving a human, but Shiro … Shiro could. Eventually, his memories would return, and with them, Inari’s eternal solitude. Knowing that, how could she turn away from him? Even if she had the strength to choose her purity over him, how could she deny him his only chance to experience something different?
This might be his only chance to love—and it was most definitely her only chance before her time in this world was over.
Her fingers pressed against his cheek and she slowly drew his face down. His stare held her captive and simmered with words he wouldn’t say, perhaps didn’t even know how to express. An immortal who had never been able to love—until now. She tilted her head back and let her eyes slide closed.
Her lips found his and their mouths melded softly together. As heat spread outward from her middle to fill her body, her heart swelled in her chest until she could barely breathe.
She had given up everything for duty, even her life. But this … this she couldn’t sacrifice, not even to save the world. With his arms around her, his mouth on hers, his warmth and strength surrounding her, she knew she wasn’t strong enough to walk away from him.
No matter the consequences.
To Be Continued
in Book 3 of the Red Winter Trilogy
Immortal Fire
Don’t miss Immortal Fire, coming spring 2017!
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Pronunciation Guide
Emi – eh-mee
Yumei – yoo-may
Tengu – ten-goo
Yokai – yoh-kigh
Shiro – shee-roh
Kitsune – kee-tsoo-nay
Tsuchi – tsoo-chee
Amatsukami – ah-mah-tsoo-kah-mee
Onenju – oh-nen-joo
Kamigakari – kah-mee-gah-kah-ree
Inari – ee-nah-ree
Susano – soo-sah-noh
Sarutahiko – sah-roo-tah-hee-koh
Uzume – oo-zoo-may
Kunitsukami – koo-nee-tsoo-kah-mee
Izanami – ee-zah-nah-mee
Amaterasu – ah-mah-teh-rah-soo
Kami – kah-mee
Miko – mee-koh
Ki – kee
Kannushi – kahn-noo-shee
Sohei – soh-hay
Guji Ishida – goo-jee ee-shee-dah
Ofuda – oh-foo-dah
Shion – shee-ohn
Fujimoto – foo-jee-moh-toh
Nanako – nah-nah-koh
Katsuo – kah-tsoo-oh
Tsukiyomi – tsoo-kee-yoh-mee
Jorogumo – joh-roh-goo-moh
Byakko – byahk-koh
Murakumo – moo-rah-koo-moh
Izanagi – ee-zah-nah-ghee
Orochi – oh-roh-chee
Glossary
Ajisai (ah-jee-sigh) – An inn, located near the Wasurenagusa hot springs, that is run and patronized by yokai. It can only be accessed by entering Tsuchi.
Amaterasu (ah-mah-teh-rah-soo) – The Amatsukami of the Wind, sister of Tsukiyomi.
Amatsukami (ah-mah-tsoo-kah-mee) – The four most powerful kami who rule Takamahara, the heavenly realm. They consist of Izanagi of the Sky, Izanami of the Earth, Amaterasu of the Wind, and Tsukiyomi of the Water.
Ame-no-Murakumo (ah-may-noh-moo-rah-koo-moh) – An ancient, powerful sword belonging to the Kunitsukami Susano. Its name means “the gathering clouds of the heavens.”
Ameonna (ah-may-ohn-nah) – A wind and water yokai, and the self-proclaimed Lady of the Rain.
Bakeneko (bah-kay-nay-koh) – A type of cat yokai.
Byakko (byahk-koh) – A powerful tiger yokai with elemental wind magic.
Daimyojin (digh-myoh-jeen) – A title belonging to the Kunitsukami Sarutahiko, meaning “the great virtuous god.”
Daitengu (digh-ten-goo) – A title belonging to powerful crow and raven yokai that are generals under the Tengu’s command.
Fujimoto Hideyoshi (foo-jee-moh-toh hee-day-yoh-shee) – The kannushi of the Shirayuri Shrine. Note: In Japanese, the family name precedes the given name.
Guji (goo-jee) – A title belonging to the highest-ranking shrine priest who leads the kannushi of his shrine and all subsidiary shrines of his kami. Link: A kannushi in his traditional uniform.
Hakama (hah-kah-mah) – A traditional Japanese garment resembling loose, pleated trousers. Men’s hakama are tied at the hips, while women’s hakama are tied high around the waist. Link: A miko in her uniform of white kimono and red hakama.
Hana (hah-nah) – A miko in training at the Shion Shrine (deceased).
Haori (hah-oh-ree) – A traditional Japanese garment similar to a jacket that resembles a hip- or thigh-length kimono worn open in the front.
Hinagiku (hee-nah-ghee-koo) – An Izanami shrine in the Sumire region.
Inari (ee-nah-ree) – The Kunitsukami of the Fire.
Ishida (ee-shee-dah) – The Guji of the Shion Shrine and leader of all Amaterasu shrines.
Izanagi (ee-zah-nah-ghe
e) – The Amatsukami of the Sky and ultimate ruler of the kami, brother of Izanami.
Izanami (ee-zah-nah-mee) – The Amatsukami of the Earth, sister of Izanagi.
Jorogumo (joh-roh-goo-moh) – A powerful spider yokai, also known as the Devourer of Souls, who commands the tsuchigumo and whose venomous bite can incapacitate any yokai.
Kagura (kah-goo-rah) – A type of ceremonial dance, sometimes theatrical, that is traditionally performed by miko.
Kami (kah-mee) – Spiritual beings who originate from Takamahara, the heavenly realm, and visit the earthly realm through the use of kamigakari.
Kamigakari (kah-mee-gah-kah-ree) – Meaning literally “kami possession,” a kamigakari is a human who hosts a kami’s spirit within their body. Depending on the circumstances, a kamigakari can be a volunteer or a victim of forced possession.
Kannushi (kan-noo-shee) – A priest who runs and maintains a shrine, leads worship of the shrine’s kami, and manages and/or performs in festivals, ceremonies, and other shrine events. Link: A kannushi in his traditional uniform.
Kaori (kah-oh-ree) – A bakeneko yokai that Emi encounters at Ajisai Inn.
Karasu (kah-rah-soo) – A type of crow yokai.
Katana (kah-tah-nah) – A traditional Japanese sword with a curved, slender, single-edged blade. Link: A katana.