XIV
GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS
_A Chapter Concerning Drusilla, Pa-pah and a Minion_
Capital had now been furnished for The Green Mouse, Limited; a greatcentral station of white marble was being built, facing Madison Avenueand occupying the entire block front between Eighty-second and Eighty-third streets.
The building promised to be magnificent; the plans provided for athousand private operating rooms, each beautifully furnished in Louis XVIstyle, a restaurant, a tea room, a marriage licence bureau, and anemergency chapel where first aid clergymen were to be always inattendance.
In each of the thousand Louis XVI operating rooms a Destyn-Carr wirelessinstrument was to stand upon a rococo table. A maid to every two rooms, aphysician to every ten, and smelling salts to each room, were providedfor in this gigantic enterprise.
Millions of circulars were being prepared to send broadcast over theUnited States. They read as follows:
ARE YOU IN LOVE? IF NOT, WHY NOT?
Wedlock by Wireless. Marriage by Machinery. A Wondrous Wooer WithoutWords! No more doubt; no more hesitation; no more uncertainty. TheDestyn-Carr Wireless Apparatus does it all for you. Happy MarriageGuaranteed or money eagerly refunded!
Psychical Science says that for every man and woman on earth there is apredestined mate!
That mate can be discovered for you by The Green Mouse, Limited.
Why waste time with costly courtship? Why frivol? Why fuss?
There is only ONE mate created for YOU. You pay us; We find that ONE,thereby preventing mistakes, lawsuits, elopements, regrets, grouches,alimony.
Divorce Absolutely Eliminated
By Our Infallible Wireless Method
Success Certain
It is now known the world over that Professor William Augustus Destyn hasdiscovered that the earth we live on is enveloped in Psychical Currents.By the Destyn-Carr instrument these currents may be tapped, controlledand used to communicate between two people of opposite sex whosesubconscious and psychic personalities are predestined to affinity andamorous accord. In other words, when psychic waves from any individualare collected or telegraphed along these wireless psychical currents,only that one affinity attuned to receive them can properly respond.
_We catch your psychic waves for you. We send them out into the world._
WATCH THAT SPARK!
When you see a tiny bluish-white spark tip the tentacle of the Destyn-Carr transmitter,
THE WORLD IS YOURS!
for $25.
Our method is quick, painless, merciful and certain. Fee, twenty-fivedollars in advance. Certified checks accepted.
THE GREEN MOUSE, Limited.
President PROF. WM. AUGUSTUS DESTYN.Vice-Presidents THE HON. KILLIAN VAN K. VANDERDYNK. THE HON. GEORGE GRAY, 3D.Treasurer THE HON. BUSHWYCK CARR.
These circulars were composed, illuminated and printed upon vellum bywhat was known as an "Art" community in West Borealis, N.J. Several tonswere expected for delivery early in June.
Meanwhile, the Carr family and its affiliations had invested every centthey possessed in Green Mouse, Limited; and those who controlled thestock were Bushwyck Carr; William Augustus Destyn and Mrs. Destyn, neeEthelinda Carr; Mr. Killian Van K. Vanderdynk and Mrs. Vanderdynk, neeSacharissa Carr; George Gray and Mrs. Gray, very lately Sybilla Carr; andthe unmarried triplets, Flavilla and Drusilla Carr.
Remembering with a shudder how Bell Telephone and Standard Oil might oncehave been bought for a song, Bushwyck Carr determined that in this casehis pudgy fingers should not miss the forelock of Time and the dividedskirts of Chance.
Squinting at the viewless ether through his monocle he beheld millions init; so did William Augustus Destyn and the other sons-in-law.
Only the unmarried triplets, Flavilla and Drusilla, remained amiablyindifferent in the midst of all these family financial scurryings andpreparations to secure world patents in a monopoly which promised thesocial regeneration of the globe.
The considerable independent fortunes that their mother had left themthey invested in Green Mouse, at their father's suggestion; but furtherthan that they took no part in the affair.
For a while the hurry and bustle and secret family conferences mildlyinterested them. Very soon, however, the talk of psychic waves andmillions bored them; and as soon as the villa at Oyster Bay was openedthey were glad enough to go.
Here, at Oyster Bay, there was some chance of escaping their money-madand wave-intoxicated family; they could entertain and be entertained byboth of the younger sets in that dignified summer resort; they couldwander about their own vast estate alone; they could play tennis, sail,swim, ride, and drive their tandem.
But best of all--for they were rather seriously inclined at the age ofeighteen, or, rather, on the verge of nineteen--they adored sketching, inwater colors, out of doors.
Scrubby forelands set with cedars, shadow-flecked paths under the scruboak, meadows where water glimmered, white sails off Center Island andCooper's Bluff--Cooper's Bluff from the north, northeast, east,southeast, south--this they painted with never-tiring, Pecksniffianpatience, boxing the compass around it as enthusiastically as thatimmortal architect circumnavigated Salisbury Cathedral.
And one delicious morning in early June, when the dew sparkled on thepoison ivy and the air was vibrant with the soft monotone of mosquitoesand the public road exhaled a delicate aroma of crude oil, Drusilla andFlavilla, laden with sketching-blocks, color-boxes, camp-stools, whiteumbrellas and bonbons, descended to the great hall, on sketching bent.
Mr. Carr also stood there, just outside on the porch, red, explosive,determined legs planted wide apart, defying several courtly reporters,who for a month had patiently and politely appeared every hour to learnwhether Mr. Carr had anything to say about the new invention, rumors ofwhich were flying thick about Park Row.
"No, I haven't!" he shouted in his mellow and sonorously musical bellow."I have told you one hundred times that when I have anything to say I'llsend for you. Now, permit me to inform you, for the hundred and firstconsecutive time, that I have nothing to say--which won't prevent youfrom coming back in an hour and standing in exactly the same ridiculousposition you now occupy, and asking me exactly the same unmannerlyquestions, and taking the same impertinent snapshots at my house and myperson!"
He executed a ferocious facial contortion, clapped the monocle into hisleft eye, and squinted fiercely.
"I'm getting tired of this!" he continued. "When I wake in the morningand look out of my window there are always anywhere from one to twentyreporters decorating my lawn! That young man over there is the worst andmost persistent offender!"--scowling at a good-looking youth in whiteflannels, who immediately blushed distressingly. "Yes, you are, youngman! I'm amazed that you have the decency to blush! Your insolent sheet,the Evening Star, refers to my Trust Company as a Green Mouse Trap and a_Mouse_leum. It also publishes preposterous pictures of myself andfamily. Dammit, sir, they even produce a photograph of Orlando, thefamily cat! You did it, I am told. Did you?"
"I am trying to do what I can for my paper, Mr. Carr," said the youngman. "The public is interested."
Mr. Carr regarded him with peculiar hatred.
"Come here," he said; "I _have_ got something to say to _you_."
The young man cautiously left the ranks of his fellows and came up on theporch. Behind Mr. Carr, in the doorway, stood Drusilla and Flavilla. Theyoung man tried not to see them; he pretended not to. But he flusheddeeply.
"I want to know," demanded Mr. Carr, "why the devil you are always aroundhere blushing. You've been around here blushing for a month, and I wantto know why you do it."
The youth stood speechless, features afire to the tips of his glowingears.
"At first," continued Mr. Carr, mercilessly, "I had a vague hope that youmight perhaps be blushing for shame at your profession; I heard that youwere young at it, and I was inclined to be sorry for you. But I'm notsorry any more!"
r /> The young man remained crimson and dumb.
"Confound it," resumed Mr. Carr, "I want to know why the deuce you comeand blush all over my lawn. I won't stand it! I'll not allow anybody tocome blushing around me----"
Indignation choked him; he turned on his heel to enter the house andbeheld Flavilla and Drusilla regarding him, wide-eyed.
He went in, waving them away before him.
"I've taught that young pup a lesson," he said with savage satisfaction."I'll teach him to blush at me! I'll----"
"But why," asked Drusilla, "are you so cruel to Mr. Yates? We like him."
"Mr.--Mr. _Yates!_" repeated her father, astonished. "Is that his name?And who told _you?_"
"He did," said Drusilla, innocently.
"He--that infernal newspaper bantam----"
"Pa-_pah!_ Please don't say that about Mr. Yates. He is reallyexceedingly kind and civil to us. Every time you go to town on businesshe comes and sketches with us at----"
"Oh," said Mr. Carr, with the calm of deadly fury, "so he goes toCooper's Bluff with you when I'm away, does he?"
Flavilla said: "He doesn't exactly go with us; but he usually comes thereto sketch. He makes sketches for his newspaper."
"Does he?" asked her father, grinding his teeth.
"Yes," said Drusilla; "and he sketches so beautifully. He made suchperfectly charming drawings of Flavilla and of me, and he drew picturesof the house and gardens, and of all the servants, and"--she laughed--"Ionce caught a glimpse in his sketch-book of the funniest caricature ofyou----"
The expression on her father's face was so misleading in its terriblecalm that she laughed again, innocently.
"It was not at all an offensive caricature, you know--really it was not acaricature at all--it was _you_--just the way you stand and look atpeople when you are--slightly--annoyed----"
"Oh, he is so clever," chimed in Flavilla, "and is so perfectly well-bredand so delightful to us--to Drusilla particularly. He wrote the prettiestset of verses--To Drusilla in June--just dashed them off while he waswatching her sketch Cooper's Bluff from the southwest----"
"He is really quite wonderful," added Drusilla, sincerely, "and sogenerous and helpful when my drawing becomes weak and wobbly----"
"Mr. Yates shows Drusilla how to hold her pencil," said Flavilla,becoming warmly earnest in her appreciation of this self-sacrificingyoung man. "He often lays aside his own sketching and guides Drusilla'shand while she holds the pencil----"
"And when I'm tired," said Drusilla, "and the water colors get into adreadful mess, Mr. Yates will drop his own work and come and talk to meabout art--and other things----"
"He is _so_ kind!" cried Flavilla in generous enthusiasm.
"And _so_ vitally interesting," said Drusilla.
"And so talented!" echoed Flavilla.
"And so--" Drusilla glanced up, beheld something in the fixed stare ofher parent that frightened her, and rose in confusion. "Have I said--done--anything?" she faltered.
With an awful spasm Mr. Carr jerked his congested features into theghastly semblance of a smile.
"Not at all," he managed to say. "This is very interesting--what you tellme about this p-pu--this talented young man. Does he--does he seem--attracted toward you--unusually attracted?"
"Yes," said Drusilla, smiling reminiscently.
"How do you know?"
"Because he once said so."
"S-said--w-what?"
"Why, he said quite frankly that he thought me the most delightful girlhe had ever met."
"What--else?" Mr. Carr's voice was scarcely audible.
"Nothing," said Drusilla; "except that he said he cared for me very muchand wished to know whether I ever could care very much for him.... I toldhim I thought I could. Flavilla told him so, too.... And we all feltrather happy, I think; at least I did."
Her parent emitted a low, melodious sort of sound, a kind of mellifluoushowl.
"Pa-pah!" they exclaimed in gentle consternation.
He beat at the empty air for a moment like a rotund fowl about to seekits roost. Suddenly he ran distractedly at an armchair and kicked it.
They watched him in sorrowful amazement.
"If we are going to sketch Cooper's Bluff this morning," observedDrusilla to Flavilla, "I think we had better go--quietly--by way of thekitchen garden. Evidently Pa-pah does not care for Mr. Yates."
Orlando, the family cat, strolled in, conciliatory tail hoisted. Mr. Carrhurled a cushion at Orlando, then beat madly upon his own head with bothhands. Servants respectfully gave him room; some furniture wasoverturned--a chair or two--as he bounced upward and locked and boltedhimself in his room.
What transports of fury he lived through there nobody else can know; whatterrible visions of vengeance lit up his outraged intellect, what coldintervals of quivering hate, what stealthy schemes of reprisal, whatawful retribution for young Mr. Yates were hatched in those dreadfulmoments, he alone could tell. And as he never did tell, how can I know?
However, in about half an hour his expression of stony malignity changedto a smile so cunningly devilish that, as he caught sight of himself inthe mirror, his corrugated countenance really startled him.
"I must smooth out--smooth out!" he muttered. "Smoothness does it!" Andhe rang for a servant and bade him seek out a certain Mr. Yates among thethrong of young men who had been taking snapshots.