‘W-what?’
‘I said, this has gone far enough.’ She turned back to him, and as she did I could see the moisture on her face glittering in the moonlight. She seemed to have an endless supply of tears tonight. Dear me… This love thing seemed to require an enormous quantity of bodily fluids.
‘Please,’ she continued, ‘do not torture me further by actually asking me. I could not bear it.’
His voice in return was broken. Utterly defeated. ‘You no longer love me then.’
Ella twitched as if she had been hit by a whip. Rushing forward, she grasped the poles of the fence.
‘Of course I love you, Edmund. More than my own life!’
His face came up, displaying a whirling mix of hope and despair.
‘Then you will come with me?’
‘No! I cannot!’
‘But Ella, my love… I… I do not understand. If you love me, if you really, truly love me…?’
Ella leaned her head against the fence. She didn’t seem to have the strength to hold it up anymore. The wind tugged at her hair, pulling a few loose strands through the iron poles and onto Edmund’s side of the fence, as if everything in her was straining to go to him.
How come the weather is so bloody romantic? Why isn’t it raining buckets out here?
‘Edmund… I cannot find the words to answer you. But I do not have to. The poet has already given me my lines, which I tell to you now: Yes, I do love you. Desperately, with all my heart. But I could not love thee, Dear, so much, Loved I not honour more.’[41]
Behind the bushes I cocked my head, trying to find the logic in her last statement. I thought it was pretty darn daft, myself. Somebody had written that down, and been published? I would never fall in love myself, of course, but if I did, I didn’t think honour would enter into the equation in any major way. Honour, respectability - they were mostly nicely sounding terms for means of curtailing a girl’s freedom. Really, I loved my little sister, but sometimes she really could be a silly goose. She should just say yes to the fellow and-
Hey! What are you doing? You’re supposed to not want her to run away with him.
Oh, right. No! I definitely didn’t want that!
‘Don’t you see?’ She reached out to tenderly touch the hair of the broken man kneeling in front of her. ‘I’d rather cherish my love for you as a tender, secret memory, than do what I know to be wrong. Yes, I could go with you now and spend the rest of my days in bliss, but where would be the good in that? Far better that I marry Sir Philip, knowing that I have done right, preserving the honour of my family and of yours, than that I destroy them for earthly happiness. I might spend the rest of my days in misery, but at least I will do so with a clear conscience.’
Um… All right…
I had always suspected that my sister was, on some level, completely off her rocker. It was gratifying to have one’s suspicions confirmed. Besides this purely intellectual gratification, though, I could not receive much satisfaction from the fact.
Though he might in general have a higher opinion of her degree of sanity, in this case Edmund seemed to share my views.
‘I’d prefer the earthly happiness,’ he told her outright.
A weak little smile appeared on her face.
‘That is your warm heart overwhelming your better nature, Edmund, and I love you for it. But please, do not tempt me any further. It pains me to refuse you.’
‘You can still say yes.’
‘No, I cannot. We must not see each other again, Edmund. I will become Sir Philip’s wife… and you…’
She closed her eyes for a moment, and I could see the next words would be the hardest for her.
‘… and you go, find yourself a girl who is not bound. Do not let yourself be dragged into misery. Find love, be happy. Maybe I can continue to live, as long as I know that you are happy.’
‘But I cannot be happy without you, Ella! Not ever!’
‘Do not say such a thing, Edmund! It pains me!’
Then why the heck is she smiling through her tears?
I scratched my head, nonplussed. This love thing was obviously more complicated than I had thought. Oh, I was so glad I didn’t have anything to do with it myself.
‘I will ask you one final time, Ella.’ Slowly, Edmund rose to his feet. Her hand slid into his, and he held it firmly. ‘Will you elope with me?’
She shook her head.
‘No.’
‘You refuse to go against your aunt’s wishes in the matter of Sir Philip?’
‘I beg you, Edmund, understand. I cannot!’
‘Shh. Don’t be anguished, dearest. I understand. I understand, my love. You cannot go against your gentle nature.’ He sighed. ‘Then there remains only one thing for me to do.’
‘Y-you will do as I ask? You will move on?’
In spite of the fact that she was trying to affect a cheerful manner, I could see the fear in her eyes.
Pressing her hand again, Edmund shook his head.
‘No. I shall go out and buy myself a pistol. In the morning I shall call at Sir Philip’s residence and challenge him.’
*~*~**~*~*
Any feathers available with which to knock me over? For the second time this night, I was completely taken by surprise. This tradesman’s boy was turning out to be a regular Casanova! Had I heard correctly?
‘W-what?’ Ella stuttered. ‘What do you mean, challenge him?’
Apparently, she hadn’t yet understood what he meant. Or she would not let herself understand, maybe.
‘I mean, challenge him to a duel,’ Edmund replied calmly. ‘To the death.’
She took an involuntary step towards him. Or maybe it was voluntary. You could never tell with these love-struck people
‘Edmund, you must not jest about such things,’ she whispered, her hands clasping the iron poles of the fence tightly. ‘You must not.’
‘Who says that I am jesting?’
‘Please, Edmund, stop. You worry me sick.’
‘I am sorry for that. But it cannot be helped. You say you will not refuse Sir Philip, nor stand up to your aunt, so I have no choice.’
‘No choice but to contemplate violence?’ Letting go of the poles, she threw her hands up in the air. ‘What mad demon possesses you, Edmund? I beg you, relinquish this mad scheme!’
‘It is not mad. Indeed it is highly logical. You will not rid yourself of Sir Philip, very well, then I shall do it for you. I shall acquire a pistol, go to his house and challenge him. Do you think I should explain the situation to him? How things stand between us?’
Ella almost fainted right then and there. Only Edmund’s quick hands, which shot through the gaps in the fence and caught her around the waist, prevented her from falling.
Wait just a minute!
I was on the point of charging in. Now he definitely was touching areas he wasn’t supposed to be touching on a lady, and I had to look after my little sister, after all. But then, he had only prevented her from falling. I decided to not kill him for his insolence just this once.
‘Tell him?’ Ella whispered, obviously in no hurry to get out of his arms. ‘Are you mad?’
He smiled at her. It was a boyish, excited kind of smile that looked new on his face, which I had seen so often anxious and sad, yet it suited him well. He looked like a different person, and for the first time I began to understand what Ella saw in him, just a little.
‘That’s the second time you’ve accused me of insanity tonight, my love. Don’t let it become a habit.’
‘Be serious, Edmund!’
‘I’m absolutely serious. I don't want you to suspect me of a mental disorder.’
‘You know what I mean!’
‘Yes, I do. And I’m serious about that, too.’
‘But telling Sir Philip? After all the hundreds and hundreds of times I have begged you to keep our love a secret?’
Edmund’s smile became a trifle wistful.
‘Ah, but what is there to keep secret any
more? If I go to him tomorrow and vanquish him, then it will not matter whether or not I have told him, will it? I need to explain it to him, Ella. I cannot simply march up to him and insult him to make him fight me. I would smudge the honour of my family, which, as you so diligently pointed out, is a bad thing to do. No, I need to go to him and say: “Sir Philip, I love the girl you have set your sights on, and she loves me. I will fight for her with my last breath.” He is a gentleman. He will understand and allow me the opportunity to fight for you. Once I have put a bullet through his heart, the way will once again be free. So you see, Ella, I am not mad. I have thought this through very carefully.’
I nodded approvingly. For once, it seemed, somebody had been using their brains instead of their heart. The plan was indeed highly logical - except for one point. With unusual quickness, Ella realized it too.
‘And what,’ she whispered, trembling in Edmund’s arms, ‘if it is he who kills you?’
There were a few moments of silence. Well, almost-silence, anyway. In the distance, a dog barked with total disregard for the romantic drama unfolding in front of me.
‘I wouldn’t worry about that, love,’ he said, dismissively.
‘Not worry?’ she exclaimed, and suddenly it wasn’t just his arms around her - she was clasping him now, too. That was more like it! Finally, she was taking some action of her own.
‘Edmund, he is a gentleman! You’re a tradesman’s son. He’s been raised to shoot with guns, hunts every year and knows what he’s doing. Have you ever handled a pistol before in your life?’
‘I’m a quick learner.’
‘Edmund, tell me! Have you ever handled a pistol?’
‘Not actually, no,’ he admitted. ‘But I’ve seen other people do it,’ he added as an afterthought.
The groan that originated from Ella indicated that she thought about as much of this excuse as I did.
‘Edmund, please don't, I’m begging you!’
He shook his head.
‘I would give you almost anything you want, love, but in this I must deny you.’
‘But why?’ Reaching up, she clutched his shirt and, through a gap in the fence, buried her face in his chest. ‘Do you want to die? Are you truly mad?’
Encircling her with his arms, he drew her even closer towards himself. I was debating again whether or not to intervene - but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt them. And there was still an iron fence between them, so things couldn’t really get very intimate. ‘I have no wish to die, Ella.’
‘Then why? Tell me, for heaven’s sake!’
‘Don’t you see?’ Pushing her away a bit, he raised her chin and forced her to look into his face. ‘I have to free you. I have to believe that you and I can be together. If that cannot be, life would not be worth living anymore. Not for me, anyway.’
Atta boy! I had to admit, part of me really liked this plan. If it worked, Ella would be rid of Sir Philip. If it didn’t, she’d be rid of this silly fellow. A win-win situation.
‘Isn’t it enough to know I love you?’ She asked, her voice thick. ‘To know that I will never, ever love anybody else, no matter what I shall be forced to do?’
He shook his head. ‘I’m afraid I’m not that noble, my dear. I need to feel your love, to feel you in my arms, safe and warm. I need to know that you can say to me “I love you” without blushing in shame. I need to know that I am yours and you are mine, now and forever.’
‘That can never be!’
‘It must and it shall be.’
Slowly, he began to untangle himself from her and from the fence. The latter took longer than one might have thought. In order to passionately embrace her, he’d had to squeeze his arms through some pretty tight spots. Apparently, he still hadn’t thought of using the ladder that still rested peacefully against the Conways’ garden shed.
‘What are you doing?’ Ella cried as he slipped from her grasp.
‘Going,’ he returned. ‘The time for talk has passed. Now it is time for action.’ His face took on a grim expression. ‘I am going to have to be fit and alert tomorrow. I had better call it a night.’
‘Edmund, you don't… you don't seriously mean you’ll go through with this?’
‘I have never been more serious about anything in my life. Except maybe once - when I first told you I loved you. And what I shall now do is practically the same - the only difference is that I shall translate the words into deeds.’
‘Edmund, no!’ She tried to stop him as he stepped away from the fence and turned, but he was too strong for her. He set out across the lawn, and I felt a lump in my throat. From the back he looked nothing like the cheerful tradesman’s son I had known him as throughout the time we had lived in this street. He looked like a tragic hero going towards his final end.
‘Please, Edmund! You can’t go! You can’t challenge Sir Philip. Please don't! Please!’
Halfway down the garden, he stopped and turned his head to look back at her wistfully.
‘I have to,’ was his only reply.
‘But what if he kills you?’ she wailed.
He smiled sadly.
‘Then I will die in the knowledge that I have done everything in my power to keep us together. It will be a comforting knowledge when the darkness closes in.’
Turning away again, he continued through the garden, towards his parents’ house.
‘Edmund, wait!’ Ella reached through the fence, as if she could grab him and drag him back to her side. But there were yards of distance between them. ‘Edmund, please! Don’t go!’
This time, he did not stop.
‘Edmund, my love, I’m begging you!’
She sank to her knees. By now the volume of her voice had risen considerably over the usual careful whisper she used for her secret rendezvous in the garden. I threw an anxious glance back at the house, but so far, nobody seemed to have heard.
‘I’m begging you, please, come back! You can’t do this, please!’
Still he did not stop. If I’d had a rock of the right size to hand, I’d have lobbed it at his silly receding head. Nobody made my sister cry like that! But simultaneously, another part of me wanted to hug him fiercely. He was willing to risk his own life to free my sister from a marriage she feared and despised. I couldn’t help respecting anybody who was ready to do that, even if I did want to throw rocks at his head.
‘Please, Edmund,’ Ella tried once more. ‘By your love for me, I beg you, stop! Don’t go! Don’t die!’
When this final attempt failed, she slumped to the ground and knelt there, weeping, her face hidden in her hands.
‘All right!’ she whimpered. ‘I accept! I will… I will do it.’
Edmund, just about to reach the back door of his parents’ house, froze in place.
‘What?’ he asked, without turning. His voice was barely audible. ‘What did you say?’
‘I… I said, I’ll do it,’ repeated Ella, taking deep breaths as though she had run miles and miles. ‘I accept your offer, Edmund Conway. For you, to save your life and give you happiness, I shall forsake my family. I will run away with you. May God forgive me.’
*~*~**~*~*
I sat behind the bush for quite some time. I suppose it had to be quite some time, because when I wandered back into the house, everybody was already asleep. Even Ella, up in our room, had stopped crying by now, though I could still see the moisture on her cheeks twinkle in the moonlight which streamed in through the window.
Only when I lay in my bed, the warm blankets over me, did I realize that if I didn’t do something really quickly, I would lose my little sister.
Suddenly, in spite of all the blankets, I felt cold inside.
The Great Hunt of Green Park
When I woke the next morning, I fervently hoped that last night had been a nightmare. But when I saw Ella’s red-rimmed eyes, I knew that was wishful thinking.
Last night had been true. My sister was going to elope - and not even with a romantic rake of a Scottish l
aird or something similarly adventurous, but with the tradesman’s son next door. I wasn’t sure what trade his father actually practised. I thought I had heard somewhere that he was a piano tuner.
Sadly, I shook my head. Constantly going around making sure that everywhere you went things sounded the same had to be about the dullest occupation there was. His son didn’t seem a lot more exciting to me, generally speaking. All right, he was a nice enough fellow, for a man, but still, nothing to write home about. And he was the man for whom my sister would lose her honour.
Now don't get the wrong impression - I wasn’t all too keen on honour and virtue myself. If you’re willing to walk around in men’s clothes to work for a living, you have to be able to bend a few social norms and customs. I myself wouldn’t mind getting a few stains on my non-existent good reputation. But I knew that Ella would mind. Very much so, in fact.
Maybe she loved this man enough to run away with him and be happy. But she also would be sad on a deeper level, a level she wouldn’t let anybody see. It would break her heart to disappoint her aunt, silly, compassionate soul that my little sister was. This solution would make Edmund happy - but it would save Ella from one misery only to plunge her into another.
Unless, that is, I could prevent it.
Full of purpose I jumped out of bed. This was no time to dawdle! My sister’s happiness was at stake, and I only had one day to take action before I had to go back to slave for Mr Ambrose. Quickly, I dressed - or as quickly as I could, considering the multitude of petticoats I had to put on - and slipped out of the house without anybody noticing. It was Sunday, and after the tiring dance the other night, the household was sure to sleep long and not notice my absence.
As I ran down the street, the beginnings of various plans were already forming in my mind. Somehow I had to get rid of Wilkins. That was the heart of the matter. No Wilkins meant no threat of marriage, no threat of marriage meant no elopement, no elopement meant no unhappy Ella.
For a moment I considered carrying out Edmund’s plan - getting hold of a pistol and just shooting the blasted Wilkins. Yet I discounted that for various reasons. Firstly, wanting to marry my sister was, according to the laws of England, not yet a crime that deserved the death penalty; secondly, I didn’t have money for a gun; and thirdly, even if I did, I would most likely miss.