HOUSE--NIGHT
Vicki winks at Jake.
VICKI
I think it would be super-duper hot if you said "a hundred billion sextillion" in a Carl Sagan voice.
He laughs uproariously, then realizes how loud he is, and silences himself and covers his mouth. Many dogs throughout the neighborhood bark in alarm. He looks around for any lights to go on or angry mobs to appear, decides he's okay, and relaxes.
The dogs continue to bark.
JAKE
Yes, O Barking Dog, it is I, your Mortal Enemy, again. Anyway, uh, no, the Carl Sagan thing, NOT. Thank you. Declining to try that impersonation out.
Her eyes bore into him with a meek, sultry implore. She tilts her head and playfully twirls and tosses her hair.
JAKE
Oh.
He walks to her. He stands in front of her and admires her eyes. She admires him back.
VICKI
What?
Unsure what to say, he is silent.
JAKE
They extrapolated how many habitable planets there could be through the rest of our galaxy. They estimate there are two billion earth-like planets in our galaxy. Multiply that by the number of galaxies we think there are in the universe, 50 billion, and that's one sextillion habitable worlds in the observable universe.
VICKI
Children like the sands of the sea.
JAKE
That's what I think of. What God said to Abraham. They estimate that one hundred billion people have ever lived and died on this planet. So one hundred billion times one sextillion--that's my estimate for the number of God's children who might be all around us, or who have at any time been around us, right here in our own universe.
VICKI
What number does that come out to?
JAKE
Oh. One hundred nonillion, or a one followed by...thirty-two zeroes.
VICKI
Wow!
He admires her.
VICKI
Please forgive me, but that's getting a little old. And there's more to me than my eyes...
JAKE
Nope, not right now.
He weeps. What?
VICKI
What? What is it?
He shakes his head.
He says nothing.
VICKI
You can tell me.
JAKE
It's more corny than you could possibly imagine.
INT. CONVENTION HALL--DAY
TWENTY REPRESENTATIVES from a dozen European countries, men and women of many different ages and ethnicities, sit around a very large table, each of them with a microphone in front of them. Professor Samples is seated among them. Her husband, Mr. Samples, sits next to her, and Jake sits next to him. Everyone is in blue and gray business attire, except for Samples, who wears a bright purple woman's suit, and Jake, who wears, to his regret, a flashy blue dress shirt studded with yellow stars. He covers his chest with his arms to try to hide the stars.
PROFESSOR FELIX FASSBINDER, white, male, forty-two, stocky and cheery, speaks to Professor Samples.
FELIX
What do you think you found?
SAMPLES
A binary earth-analogue, or two potentially earth-like planets which orbit one another--
Everyone except for Jake and Mr. Samples gasps.
SAMPLES
Which pair of earth-like planets in turn orbit a double star system--
The same group of people gasp.
SAMPLES
Furthermore, between the binary earth-analogue and the twin suns, a tight cluster of seven stars orbits the binary star.
EXT. SPACE--NIGHT
A star like Earth's Sun spills her glorious, fiery white light over the crescent of a planet which could be Earth. Brilliant blue oceans and patchy, streaky blankets of clouds come to light. We descend and orbit toward the day side, and continents come into view. Before we can determine which continents these may be, a second, slightly smaller yet brighter Sun comes up over the horizon.
Unless Earth somehow got a second Sun, we may be certain this is not Earth.
Two planetary moons, one brown, one green, rise up over the horizon.
The edge of an apparently very large black disc rises over the horizon of the planet. It is far too large to be a moon, and it slightly eclipses one of the twin suns. It has a dark side and a crescent of an illuminated day side, just like the planet in our main view. It is another Earth-like planet. These two Earth-like planets orbit each other.
A cluster of seven, apparently much smaller and/or more distant suns come up over the horizon, in a void apparently in orbit somewhere between the twin suns and the twin planets.
INT. CONVENTION HALL--DAY
Twenty representatives, Professor samples, her husband, and Jake all sit around a very large table with microphones.
Everyone except for Professor samples, her husband, and Jake gasps.
SAMPLES
(hesitant)
Yes, very exciting, I could hardly believe it--but we need to verify that the way we found it isn't too, um, unorthodox--
FELIX
Unorthodox is exactly what we need. If it happens to work. If it doesn't work, several fools will scorn you for publishing "junk science," even though about half of what all astronomers publish and get praised for all the time is junk science anyway.
A TURKISH ASTRONOMER, male, fifty, and angry as hell, stands up, walks to a door, opens it, and steps through it with a very ridiculous, almost ballet-like flamboyance and drama. He turns on his heel, angrily faces Felix, and slams the door with a thunderous BLAM! It's so loud that several scientists wince and cover their ears.
Felix stands up and applauds.
FELIX
Bravo! You know I didn't like your ideas about Dark Matter anyway--I just wish you'd ever have allowed me to really explain to you why!
Jake can't help himself, and he laughs. Several others laugh.
Samples is quite ruffled. Felix sits back down.
FELIX
Professor Samples, I am so sorry for that.
SAMPLES
I, uh, yes, thank you, very much. I will publish. Anyway, I wanted you all to see the results first, and have a chance to try out my methods first.
Everyone stares at the door that had slammed. The Turkish Astronomer stands there, with a contrite, meekly apologetic expression.
TURKISH ASTRONOMER
Professor Fassbinder, I hope that you will forgive my angry disagreement with you. I...wish to hear about Professor Sample's possible discovery.
JAKE
(whispers, to Mr. Samples)
I just hope that these people never get their fingers anywhere near any buttons labeled "NUKE."
Mr. Samples laughs loudly, and is quickly horrified that he has done so. He obsequiously apologizes.
MR. SAMPLES
I am so sorry! So sorry! Please forgive me! It's just that--
JAKE
I farted. I'm sorry. Some people heard it. Maybe you didn't. I hope you didn't. But let me tell you, I had to get it out. It was a Gas Giant.
Two scientists look uncomfortable, one looks disgusted, and Professor Samples looks amused but uneasy, but everyone else laughs hard, including the Turkish Astronomer, who walks back to his former seat.
INT. HOUSE--NIGHT
Jake, Vicki, Heidi and Dominick sit in front of the TV, on which they view two news anchors: NANCY, white, thirty, flighty, intelligent, and an absolute doll, and DARYL, white, thirty-one, keen and playful, and quite handsome.
NANCY
Daryl, you're going to love this story. Wait, did you already hear about this local Astronomer?
DARYL
Maybe. I don't know.
(Carl Sagan voice)
We have BILLIONS and BILLIONS of those--
Unseen news room workers laugh V.O. Vicki laughs.
DARYL
(playfully belligerent)
So I don't know, how could I know? You haven't even told me wha
t part of it I don't know. I have a guess, but I don't know. Maybe you could tell me the part of it that I don't know.
Nancy laughs.
NANCY
Did you overdose on cold medicine?
They laugh.
NANCY
Okay, so do we still even have time--how much time do we have for this segment?
DARYL
Well, I dunno, strictly, we always spend a few minutes on segments about small animals with hiccups or very stupid criminals, but I think we could preempt that time for things of COSMIC IMPORTANCE, don't you, Nancy?
The laughter of the news crew sounds through the newsroom, V.O.
NANCY
Okay, could we get on with this? My apologies to our viewers.
DARYL
I apologize for nothing.
More laughter is heard through the newsroom, V.O.
NANCY
Seriously! Enough! Ugh.
She takes a deep breath.
NANCY
Today, Astronomers, scientists, and space fans--okay wait, what is a "space fan?" Who wrote this?
Snorts of restrained laughter are heard through the newsroom.
NANCY
Can this get any worse? Sheesh!
DARYL
I don't know, Nancy, what is a space fan? Is it a fan from outer space?
The snorts through the newsroom quickly break to outright raucous laughter.
DARYL
A fan that you use in space? You know, to keep cool under the sun during your space walk? Not very effective. FANS require AIR in order to cool things, you know, like spacewalking astronomers, and there is no AIR in SPACE. So a FAN will not be effective for cooling anything in SPACE.
Jake laughs.
The newsroom now suffers full-on, loud, hysterical laughter.
DARYL
Or by "space fan," do we mean "a fanatic