Unintended Heroes
by
Paul Vayro
********
Unintended Heroes
Copyright 2012 Paul Vayro
For Charlie, who stayed true to his mind irrelevant of the consequence, and Pauline and Neil. And for those who know a spade is not just a spade, but is anything your imagination can make it.
Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-Two
Chapter Forty-Three
Chapter Forty-Four
Chapter Forty-Five
Chapter Forty-Six
Chapter Forty-Seven
Chapter Forty-Eight
Chapter Forty-Nine
Prologue
For those who haven't read T is for Time, the prequel to Unintended Heroes, there is information concerning the Earth they inhabit, and the funny little rock's place in the affections of the universe at large, that you will need to know. It follows this brief blurb. For those who have read T is for Time, ta very much. Glad to see you're still intrigued enough to wander through the sequel. Anyway, you'll have read the next part when perusing the first book, but feel free to view it as a refresher.
The original Earth had been a humble planet in an up and coming area of the universe. Known only for its extensive swimming facilities and glorious golf courses it remained a grade two planet and thus exempt from universal law; grade two being any world that realises life must be out there but not yet in meaningful contact with it. This left the quiet planet exempt from the ongoing debate over language.
Aware that communication is the key to harmony the great minds of the wider ethos had asked if having several languages per planet was such a good idea. How can any global society hope to flourish when one nation is unable to ask another to pass the salt? Taking the question to the highest courts in the universe the discussions continued, mainly over extortionately priced lunches that were entirely tax deductible, and a new law was eventually passed. It declared that any world that came under universal jurisdiction, that being grade three and above, would be limited to only one language.
The lawyers, whose responsibility it became to implement the law, were exhausted once the job was done and booked a well deserved all inclusive golfing holiday on Earth. Pitching and putting their way across Europe and in to China they were horrified as they stumbled across language after language, each mocking their efforts more than the last. Unsure how to even begin sorting such a mess, three languages had been the previous maximum encountered on one planet, the lawyers returned to their superiors with a tale to tell. After several high level lunches, and an emergency dinner, a sub section to the language law was passed: It declared the Earth off limits to any outside attempts at communication, even on its birthday. Were it ever to achieve grade three status i.e. any planet in meaningful contact with at least one other, it would come under the universe’s jurisdiction and be forced to use only one language. The admin required for such a task would need a planet to house it, and the cost of lawyers overtime would bankrupt several galaxies. The story however did not end there.
News of the Earth’s abundance of languages soon spread across the universe, attracting interest from all quarters. Although everybody was ultimately driven by curiosity, the scientists, wishing to name a law or principle after themselves, claimed theirs to be more worthy and pushed to the front of the queue. Once there they measured, observed and pondered every angle searching for the infamy their great discovery would bring; however when it did come it wasn’t from the mind of the dedicated brains that yearned for it so desperately.
‘The Unexpected Law of Language Distribution’ was the brainwave of Samuel Unexpected, a maths teacher from a neighbouring galaxy. It states that the Earth not only contains every form of communication in the universe but that it does so in their exact proportion. Furthermore the relationship is dynamic and reflects the universe’s language distribution at all times e.g. should a French speaking planet conquer an Italian, a group of Italians on Earth will take up a French speaking class.
The man behind the theory, Samuel Unexpected, had never intended to create a law, much to the displeasure of the serious scientists who had dedicated their lives to the problem; scientists as a group were growing increasingly tired of all the great discoveries being made by amateurs and had been wondering if violence wasn’t an intelligent solution after all. Samuel had had no desire to steal anyone’s thunder. The only reason he even mentioned the idea was to break the ice with a highly attractive physicist. He thought it would be a good joke and starting point for a general chat. Failing to see the humour she took his comment seriously and went straight home to work on the relevant sums. He was as amazed as her when she turned up the next day to tell him his theory was correct. The attractive physicist fell instantly in love with Samuel’s brilliant mind and they married two days later. After three weeks he found her lack of humour to be something of an issue, fortunately she’d realised there was no brilliant mind after eight hours and had already left.
With the Earth confirmed as a dynamic, linguistic map of the universe its popularity soared, placing Eric Wazinski and his singing table firmly in the shade. Within months it became the number one holiday destination as crowds flocked to hover above its surface and observe the multi lingual folk below. It became a marketing mans dream as everyone clambered to cash in the oddity.
Over time, as with all planets, the life that had flourished slowly dwindled until the Earth evolved back in to a lifeless rock floating through space. With so much money left to be made from the Earth brand it wasn’t long before one enterprising soul saw a way to keep the cash rolling in, and buying the rights to the Earth franchise he offered to re-run the entire cycle of its life on any suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun. The owner would gain an idyllic home with an in built revenue from tourism, and the universe regained one of its most iconic attractions, only now in infinitely more locations.
As mentioned, Brick and Spiritwind call one of these franchise planets home and were left the duty of saving it from an invading race of aliens in T is for Time. With time stopped, and aliens threatening to relieve the planet of all its tea and coffee, all manner of hilarity ensued. It really is a whizzer of a read, but it's both your choice and right, to jump straight into the sequel. As I was saying, they were helped on this mission by several employees of the Earth franchise, who work under the guise of many of our best kno
wn concepts: Fate, Coincidence, Karma etc. How they had come to be in such a profession was as curious as it was unlikely.
The concepts hailed from a planet known as Grinflint: an insignificant rock with no natural resources. Made entirely from marble it had sat as a perfect sphere without undulation, crevice or pebble to interrupt its surface, and had it not floated in the vicinity of Medlock, a planet of such wealth their smallest unit of currency could buy a reasonably priced solar system, it would have remained that way for all time.
Grinflint had been ignored by the Medlockians, until the fashion world decided minimalism was the new everything. Claiming the unoccupied oddity as their own the people of Medlock instructed their staff to load up the luxury crafts, and. within hours the quintillionaires had been chauffeured to the previously pointless ball in space. With little to do but gloat they spent several days showing off the sheer abundance of nothingness to the rest of the universe, before growing restless and deciding minimalism would be far more fun with stuff.
In line with Medlockian culture they decided spending money was the only answer and began importing entertainment and a few home comforts. Importing the social need to outdo each other, along with their vast array of goods, competitiveness soon took hold. When one family grew tired of the flat horizon they installed mountains in the distance, not to be beaten an ocean sprung up in next doors field, quickly followed by the unveiling of an entire forest at number thirty’s regular Sunday brunch. The competition continued and the planet blossomed; however achieving such a thing had meant hiring countless admin staff to deal with orders and installation.
Over time the hired help settled on Grinflint, importing their own workers villages to live in, and began raising families. Unfortunately the career options for their offspring were limited: either admin work or table testing: for a species of admin staff the perfect sit was essential. Fortunately for the people of Grinflint the Earth franchise company formed. They required people who excelled in organisational ability to work as concepts and headed to Grinflint. The residents were thrilled to be given a third career choice.
Fate had been put in charge of activating the two in-built heroes that came with the Earth program: Rick and Biritvind. Unfortunately the combination of a fax machine running low on ink and his brother, Coincidence's, dedication to his work meant the fully trained saviour's next door neighbours were given the task instead: Brick and Spiritwind, two hapless misfits who considered the term a compliment.
As you are reading a sequel it's fair to assume you've worked out that success was achieved. This isn't a post-modern tale with the resonating message that evil usually does pretty well in real life. This is escapism, so good has to win. It's a rule, and everyone knows it, even evil.
The Heroic Guild of all Things Heroic and Splendid was set up to rub the face of bad into the dusty remains of whichever plot had last been foiled. Membership of such came through the award of Grade One Hero Status, the standard qualification for anybody saving a planet. At the end of T is for Time Brick and Spiritwind had returned home from a party to discover their welcome pack in the hall, along with a voucher for a free six inch pizza with every order over thirty pounds and three different taxi numbers. We pick up their lives a few short weeks later.
Contents