Chapter Ten
Sinister intent made brief contact with the ground before rising once more in an arc. The occupants spun uncontrollably, strapped tightly in to their seats. Sid laughed maniacally while Dollop and Sandbag gripped their chairs with every ounce of will they possessed. Friction reached out its hand, sucking momentum from the craft with each return to the planet. After five or six bounces the ship remained on the floor and rolled, straight in to a tree that acted as a brake.
“Goooooooood.” Sid unbuckled himself and hopped giddily. Dollop tried to focus on anything stable. It was impossible. Everything he looked at wandered off the side of his vision. Sandbag closed his eyes. It made things worse.
The shell of Sinister Intent allowed those inside to see through it, and as Sid used his infra red control once more, Dollop glanced up. The foliage of the tree they’d struck came towards them, attempting to force them through the floor. The accompanying violent shaking and subsequent sensation of falling suggested it had succeeded. The craft fell for a full minute while Dollop tried to work out if he was even awake.
Sid laughed for the entire descent, being caught out slightly when they eventually struck the floor and the craft split in two. By the time Dollop’s awareness had caught up with him he was crouched in a dank cave, ready to attack. Sandbag assumed a similar position, only with a greater look of illness in his eyes.
“Woo-hoo. I love landing. And may I say concerning your reactions, Goooooood.” Sid walked off ahead as the henchmen followed, using their hands and a slow pace to aid recovery.
As the walk continued health returned, and cursory glances quickly grew in to conversation between Dollop and Sandbag. The surroundings evolved more slowly, changing gently, almost un-noticed, the further in to the lair they travelled.
Initially the meagre emergency lighting offered sparse views of dripping caves. Interspersed along the way were suggestions of construction: wires running along the rock face, piping weaving in and out of the floor. The changes were subtle, so subtle that the two henchmen, who had been pre-occupied discussing the latest edition of ‘Weapons That Do-the-Do’, didn’t realise their enormity until Sid stopped them. The pair looked up to find themselves in a fully equipped, yet deserted, office building; only an enlarged version.
“Your quarters are here.” Sid pointed to a door marked ‘Cleaners Cupboard’.
Dollop and Sandbag were clearly distracted and puzzled by their surroundings. Sid spotted this and offered something of an explanation. “The initial part of my plan required an unprecedented level of admin.” It was as much as they were getting. “Hold out your hands.”
The pair did as instructed. Sid whipped out two large, metallic rings from nowhere in particular and placed them over their wrists. They shrunk instantly to fit the wearer snugly. “I have work to do, but be sure to know I will call you when needed.” The parting stare was both socially awkward and unnecessary. Sid left with a flourish as the duo opened the door to view their quarters.
The room was spacious, even taking into consideration the pair's bulk, and contained everything needed for rest and bodily maintenance. Two huge beds took up the far end, one in each corner, each side a mirror of the other. A filing cabinet offered drawers for storing clothes, shelves designed for cleaning products protruded from above the readily prepared havens of sleep. Another door led to the bathroom facilities. The tightly woven carpet offered little comfort, the false ceiling held the irritating fluorescent lighting in place. Sandbag was too worn out from the journey to complain and slumped on to the bed to the right. Its fragile appearance proved inaccurate as it withstood the eleven foot beast's falling weight. Dollop took the other corner.
“I’ve slept in far worse dorms than this.”
“Hmmmmph.” Sandbag’s words couldn’t escape the pillow his face was buried in. Dollop took the hint for quiet and lay down, staring at the ceiling. He tried closing his eyes and resting but every time he did something niggled at the back of his mind. The very walls emanated a mild version of what he’d felt in the interview. After twenty minutes unrest he stood.
“I might go for a look around.”
“I might join you.” Sandbag lifted his face from the pillow, complete with a crease from lying at an awkward angle. “I can’t rest properly.”
“There’s definitely something odd about this place.” Dollop and Sandbag were aware Sid may be watching and didn’t wish to anger their new employer with idle speculation. They ignored the sensation for now and got ready for a walk. A quick swill of their faces and they were ready to explore.
Leaving their room they turned left, heading further into the underground building. Nobody could be seen. It was unusual for evil HQ’s. There would normally be all manner of people with white coats and clipboards, riding transport devices that required minimal driving skills. Equipment would be being moved without explanation or purpose. It just didn’t feel like a base where the hub of a plan to take over the universe was in full flow.
Spotting a series of signs on a wall Dollop and Sandbag decided to head for the prison/freedom administration unit. You could always get a feel for the despot you were working for based on their prison/torture facilities. To get there required many steps, all heading downwards.
Dollop had worked in many torture chambers and he was pleased Sid had realised the décor didn’t have to be as miserable for the staff as it was for the residents. The corridors remained freshly painted, carpeted, and well lit.
As the pair came to the final set of stairs the sound of somebody busying themselves could be heard around the corner. They paused, then shared a glance that suggested they were eleven foot tall creatures hired to induce pain, and they had the relevant passes to be there.
Stepping in to the corridor they found a man shaped creature around six feet in height, behind a reception desk. The desk was covered in books, the man busy whittering and rifling through one of them. The corridor stretched beyond him leading to a multitude of standard office doors with only keyholes in place of handles. A smaller panel sat around the man's eye height within the frame of each. The creature flitted from the book to a panel, opened it, peered in, and then returned to the book, cackling to itself as it wrote something down. Dollop and Sandbag watched on, un-noticed, as it continued.
The man creature was of slender frame, his actual body obscured by a long, blue Napoleonic style coat with matching hat. Between the high collar and the headgear only an enormous ginger moustache could be seen. It stretched down to the floor and supported the person in place of feet, splitting to double as hands when needed. His actual hands remained behind his back at all times, his feet only making brief appearances when the moustache was assigned to too many limb duties at once.
Sandbag’s impetuous nature wanted to move things along. When the moustached man returned to his desk the younger charge made his presence known with a cough. The reaction was instant.
The hat twitched in their direction then bolted from behind the desk. It came towards them on a mixture of facial hair and feet, poking them all the time with the moustache and firing questions as he came. “Who? What? Why? How? And who again?”
Sandbag calmly moved the portion of hair that had been poking him and asked his own question. “How about you tell us your name?” Sandbag felt pleased he’d asserted his physical dominance. Dollop didn’t see the point in such a battle. They were all clearly on the same side. The veteran offered the information without a fight.
“I’m Dollop and this is Sandbag. We’re the new henchmen for Insidious Chi. We thought we’d take a look around the base, that’s all.” The uniform scuttled back to the desk and rifled through the pages of a book as dextrously as you could hope to, using facial hair alone. It looked up at the pair, then back to the page, then back to the book, and back to the pair. Eventually it snapped the volume shut and approached the fearsome duo for a second time, only this time with manners.
“My name is Twelve Thirty.” A particularly well spoken voice belied th
e insanity of the creature’s movements. “I am head torturer and prison guard for Insidious Chi. My name stems from my mother's love of that particular time of day, whereas my appearance stems from a personal love of the time known as the Napoleonic era from the Earth franchise program. Any questions?” Twelve Thirty rocked on his heels, his moustache had been elaborating his speech. The moment Sandbag spoke he bolted back behind the desk.
“Could we see some of the prisoners?”
Twelve Thirty looked through the book, attempting to pass of his retreat as functional. He stared at the pages further before snapping them shut again and answering. “Yes. I don’t see why not. Follow me.”
Lifting himself on to his moustache, Twelve Thirty headed back down the corridor. Dollop and Sandbag shuffled along, arriving behind the torturer as he began his tour. The moustache became a pointing device.
“These are the recovery rooms where prisoners are given time to try and make sense of their punishment before starting the whole process again.”
“What if they admit to their crimes, or apologise?” Dollop’s sense of fairness had grown a voice with age. Twelve Thirty stopped and turned. The pair were closer than the torturer had expected, causing him to take a step back before responding.
“We know they are guilty, that is why they are here. Insidious Chi decides the law we must live to, and if the law he changes and re-invents on a regular basis is broken then the guilty party must pay whether they knew of the change or not. You’re not wearing socks are you?” Both shook their head. “That by law has given me terrible blisters. I can’t wait for it to be revoked. Where was I? Ah yes, as for apologies, we don’t want apologies. They are here to be punished. Sorry doesn’t come in to it.”
Twelve Thirty turned and followed the natural bend of the corridor. He stopped around twenty metres down it. “These rooms contain those currently undergoing torture. Would you like to see?” The hat twitched in giddy excitement at being able to show off its work. Dollop and Sandbag’s nods caused the masterfully controlled strands of facial hair to reach out and open a panel to the right. The henchmen squeezed an eye each to the hole.
A man was on his knees in the centre of a stone walled room, biting his fingers and clearly ravaged with stress; a pair of headphones were strapped to his head. As they watched he leant forward, his face twitching in expectation of laughter, only to fall on to his hands in a manner expressing ‘no more’. Within seconds his face began listening again, twitching the same face of expectation. Dollop and Sandbag pulled back from the panel, puzzled. Twelve Thirty explained with an excited grin. “He is being subjected to endless jokes…….without ever hearing the punch-lines. Hahahahaha.” Twelve Thirty had signed an agreement to laugh at all Sid’s jokes. It had turned his laughter in to something of a punctuation mark rather than an expression of joy. “Oh how he’d love to hear a conclusion so he could laugh just once. Next week he’ll hear more than he could ever wish to, only then he will never hear the set up. Hilarious. Hahahahaha.” The panel was closed as they moved on. Dollop and Sandbag wondered who was more insane: Sid or Twelve Thirty.
“The man in this room has been told he can buy his freedom. All he has to pay is one piece of hay.” Twelve Thirty spun dramatically, only to find he’d spun too far and still faced away from his guests. He shuffled back round to face them and opened another panel. Again Dollop and Sandbag peered inside.
They looked down into a room a hundred foot square. A pyramid of needles covered the base and stretched up to the ceiling. A naked man no bigger than six feet could be seen treading carefully around the pile, thousands of needles already protruding from his body.
“It’s in there somewhere, I think.” Genuine concern flashed across Twelve Thirty’s moustache. “Anyway, how ingenious; needle in a haystack you see, the saying, only in reverse. Marvellous.” Twelve Thirty continued down the corridor. Dollop and Sandbag followed. It was clear raw craziness was at work.
“This is my favourite, perhaps Insidious Chi’s greatest work.” Twelve Thirty hopped and clapped his moustache together in excitement. He waited until the two beasts were ready before flipping a further panel open. Again they moved towards it.
A man stood motionless in the centre of a similar sized room to the first incumbent. One eye pointed to the ceiling, the other closed in infinite confusion. His body lifted itself on its tiptoes, reaching out for a sense of understanding to a problem it didn’t know, before collapsing in a sobbing heap. Gradually he raised himself on to his knees and started the deep thought process once more. Dollop turned to Twelve Thirty.
“I don’t get it.” Sandbag concurred with a grimace.
“Insidious Chi has reprogrammed his mind to think in French.” A twitchy giggle delayed the reveal. “Only he doesn’t understand a word of French. Hahahahahahaha.”
Before Dollop or Sandbag could respond, their bracelets beeped three times. “That must be our signal to gooooooooooo” Without a polite goodbye the two monsters were lifted clean off their feet and dragged by the bracelets back the way they came. Unconcerned with the henchmen’s trajectory it bounced them off the walls and stairs as the bracelets retraced the journey back to their quarters, and past them. A powerful set of doors loomed at the end of the corridor. The bracelets didn’t stop to knock.
All power left the wrist accessories as the duo skidded across a huge room, stopping at the base of a large structure. Gaining their bearings Dollop looked up to see Sid floating towards him in a chair. The welcome was predictable. “Goooooooood.”
Dollop stood and looked around. The room was darker and offered no resemblance to the office décor they’d seen elsewhere. The main source of lighting came from a contraption at the room's centre. The structure held thousands of television screens, all displaying daily life on countless planets. Sid had left the pair on the floor to recover while he flew around the device on a chair, checking different screens that induced differing levels of murmurs. Once satisfied Sid headed back to the ground and left his mobile seat.
“We have work to do. Come.” Sid headed across the darkened space. Dollop couldn’t make out the detail in the shadows; his eyes hadn’t had time to adjust. The light continued to glint off Sid’s suit as the monstrous pair trailed behind, it kept Dollop somewhere between blind and blinded.
Eventually reaching a door Sid stopped and picked up a number of vinyl records from a rack containing plenty. The trio then stepped through the exit. Sandbag gulped at the sight of another bullet ship. He still felt sick from their arrival.
“When you work for the Chi the excitement never stops. Two space rides on your first day. You are so lucky. Hahahahahahahaha.”
Neither henchman commented. They needed all their strength for holding on tight.
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