Chapter Thirty Two
Dollop looked down at the cup of coffee the machine in the break room had produced in exchange for typing in number thirty eight. It was supposed to be extra milky, extra sugar. He contemplated what it must be like to cry.
The meeting with Sid hadn't gone well. Apparently if marrying Hugo was the only way to keep the hero happy then Dollop had better consider going on a diet for the big day. The mildest protestation, in the form of a raised eyebrow, had seen Dollop spend the last seven hours without knee, hip or elbow joints. It had convinced him Sid had a valid point, and that folding your arms is a much underestimated treat.
The coffee trembled in the shaking hands of the henchman. Emotion threatening to spill into anger and destroy the cup it held. Sandbag walked in, oblivious to his co-worker's mood.
"Has that cup offended you? You look ready to battle it to the death." Sandbag passed Dollop on his way to the same drinks machine. He fancied a hot chocolate with frothy milk and sprinkles.
"The only thing that's offended me is me. When I think of all the time I've wasted being angry instead of finding happiness."
"You've been thinking again haven't you?" Sandbag gripped the filling cup. He held it too low and singed his fingers. A second attempt employed a hold nearer the rim. By the time his hand had settled the warm beverage was complete.
"That's the one benefit of having to guard Hugo: I get to think as much as I like and it's all paid time." Dollop sipped his own refreshment. It was still too hot, causing his lips to recoil in pain and curse the blistering sensation that settled in. It was another woe for the growing pile.
"Are you saying there's a benefit to spending time with Hugo?"
"Just the one."
"I thought a benefit was a good thing?"
"It is. Is that a problem too?" Anger emerged. It was aimed at the situation rather than his partner.
"No Dollop, not at all. I just didn't think you'd find being with Hugo good?"
"Neither did I." Calmness returned to Dollop's voice. "I've just come to a few conclusions about my life while I've been babysitting. Seeing the true Hugo has helped me reflect on myself. Maybe we'll make a good husband and wife after all."
Sandbag had just swallowed his mouthful of disappointing chocolate otherwise he'd have spat it across the room. Without the beverage for punctuation he made do with stepping backwards and opening his eyes as wide as his face allowed. "Why would you marry your mortal foe? I mean I'm all for that bloke loving bloke stuff if that's what you fancy, but Hugo Cortizone!"
"I haven't been given a choice. If I don't Sid said he'd fuse my skeleton into a tightly coiled ball and roll me down an infinite hill."
"Has he got an infinite hill?" Sandbag was easily distracted.
"He has two. One joined to the end of the other."
"I thought infinite meant...."
"I wasn't in much of a position to point out his contradictory nature of torture." Dollop tried the coffee again, his lips held even less resistance to the heat than before. Sandbag remained agape in the corner, sipping his drink hypnotically. Dollop sucked on his lip before continuing. "In a strange way I've grown quite close to Hugo." Sandbag had just swallowed another mouthful, missing out on another great spitting moment. He vowed to hold on to his sips for longer. "I'm not saying we'll ever be friends but we could have been allies on either side had our genetics and upbringing been as similar as our physical prowess."
Sandbag couldn't process what he was hearing and stabbed wildly in the darkness of understanding. "Does that mean you love him?"
"No I don't love him." The coffee found itself slammed on the table. The burst of aggression served its purpose. "If anything I pity him as much as I pity myself." Dollop snapped out of his dazed verbalising and turned to Sandbag. "Sid wants me to do anything it takes to keep Hugo happy, and it would appear Hugo has fallen head over heels in love with this maiden." Dollop tugged at the costume he'd tied around his waist.
"Well she is pretty. Not that I have anything but hatred for maidens. Locking 'em in towers is all they're good for. I mean if I was a prince I imagine I'd find her attractive. So you and Hugo are friends?" He quickly tried to avoid his underlying issues with being attracted to maidens. His family would disown him if they ever found out.
"Do you even listen?" The blank face was answer enough. "Not friends. I could never be friends with someone so self centred. I just think we share many of the same characteristics. Obviously his good looks and constant attention has driven his vanity beyond comparison, but at our cores I think we're the same." Sandbag didn't know what to say so listened instead.
"I only became a henchman because it was expected from someone of my looks and physical stature, but it was never what I wanted to be. By going along with everyone else's expectations for so long I've become what others saw, not what I am. Similarly Hugo was expected to be a hero and that's what he became. I realised, sitting in that room, staring at that stupid grin with fruit stuck in it, that it's time I quit this life and started the one I'm meant to lead. Not the one chosen for me by society and circumstance."
"Are you saying you don't want to be a henchman anymore?" Sandbag believed he'd followed along successfully.
"Who says I ever was a henchman? I know I'm Dollop but Dollop the henchman is just a job title, something to fill in the gap on my passport. Seeing everything Hugo the 'man' is, so intertwined with being a hero, it makes me wonder how much of me is defined by being a henchman and how much is the real me inside? I don't think I could honestly tell you."
"But you're Dollop the henchman." Sandbag clung on to the little amount he could follow.
"Perhaps, but perhaps I need to just be Dollop for a while. Spend some time alone without a position to define me. Or I could teach? Evil University is always looking for well read, experienced lecturers. Either way I think I have to......retire from being a henchman." Saying the words out loud lifted a weight Dollop hadn't realised he'd been carrying. His future opened up before him, lighter than before, more vivid.
"Retire? Henchmen don't retire." Sandbag couldn't begin to fathom the concept. "Henchmen die valiantly defending their boss or get sent spiralling off into the universe in a conceptual prison, presumed to die a long, lonely death. They certainly don't retire. Surely you'd rather go out in a final duel with Hugo. That would be fitting." Sandbag smiled, convinced he'd found the answer.
"Maybe that is how I'll finish. This job isn't over yet." Dollop gave up on his coffee and stood up, fresh purpose running through his veins. Sandbag continued to witter.
"My family would never forgive me if I didn't die doing my job. I'd be banished if I retired. My uncle Doorstop doesn't exist as far as my dad's concerned; had the audacity to die of old age. Old age! Nothing but a coward my dad says. Brought disgrace on the family name. Valiant death for me, definitely."
"We all have to follow our hearts Sandbag, and mine feels right for the first time in a long while. It's the only way we can make it to that final place of sleep with the minimum of regret." Dollop wrestled his arms into the sleeves of the damsel outfit.
"So this will be your final mission?" Doubt still seeped through Sandbag's words.
"I really think it is." All concerns over marrying Hugo were quashed by hope.
"Then you must forget the decision you've made and focus like never before. You've opened yourself to irony's greatest curse: to last so long in such a dangerous world only to die on your final mission." Sandbag quoted a speech from one of his favourite films: The Henchman Knocks. He'd waited his whole life to horseshoe it into an actual conversation.
"All henchmen die on their final mission. That's what makes it their final one."
"Oh yeh. I guess you've really thought this through." Sandbag began to doubt the rest of The Henchman Knocks. Maybe you can't fashion a flamethrower from a bar of soap and bubble gum either.
"I think I have." Dollop zipped up his suit and strode out the door, ready for anything destiny wanted to throw at him. He
just hoped it wasn't anything big and metal.
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