They made it seem so easy. Morgan liked Tyson. Tyson liked Morgan. They go out. They make time for each other.
Why did I have to always complicate things?
Morgan pulled on my arm. “I was so freaked out to see your mom. I figured she would take one look at me and just know.”
I started to nod before I realized I didn’t quite understand what Morgan was referring to. She put her hand up to her mouth and started giggling. Like full-on girly-girl giggling, which was so not like Morgan.
“Wait.” I looked around and tried to be as quiet as one could during a rock concert. “Have you guys …”
Morgan nodded. “It happened a couple weeks ago. I was going to tell you, but you were really sick and already had a lot to deal with.”
“Oh my God!” I couldn’t help but exclaim. “How was it?” I asked before I could really think about it. I was so curious, but also knew this was a private thing.
Morgan looked up at Tyson with a huge grin. “It was good. I mean, it hurt a little the first time. But now it feels right.”
I was fully aware I was standing still, full-on staring at Morgan while everyone around us was focused on the concert and dancing around. I delicately placed my hand on her arm. “You okay?” While she seemed more than fine, I wished I could’ve been there for her while she figured out this life-changing decision.
“I’m fabulous.” She was practically glowing.
“No regrets?”
“Let me tell you something, Penny.” She started dancing around me. “Life is so much better if you live it without regrets.”
No regrets.
I went in search, yet again, for Ryan, and found him eating with his mom and stepsister.
“Hey, guys,” I said as I approached them. “Having fun?”
“Yes.” Ryan’s mom nodded. “Although I don’t think Katie’s going to last much longer.”
Even with her head bobbing in a fight against sleep, Katie protested the idea of being sent home early with her dad.
“Well, I was hoping I could steal Ryan away for a dance,” I said awkwardly, as if I needed his mom’s permission.
Ryan set his cheeseburger down and took my hand. “I thought you’d never ask.”
As we walked to the dance floor, my body tingled at his touch. Although it was familiar, it had been awhile since we’d shown any affection in public.
I hoped we could finally have that conversation we’d been avoiding. Well, I had been avoiding.
“Penny!” Kara shouted at me before we even had a chance to get on the dance floor. “We’re out of flyers. Do you know where we have more?”
I shook my head. “Tracy should have them. Have you seen her?” I made a futile attempt to look around, knowing it was nearly impossible to spot anybody in the crowded gym.
“No, which is why I came to you.”
I looked at Ryan apologetically. “Let me take care of this and I’ll be right back.”
He gave me a borderline-understanding smile before I rushed off again.
Kara and I went separate ways to locate Tracy. I sent her a text, hoping she’d make this easier on us. I walked up and down the gym, stopping occasionally to receive compliments about the dance-a-thon.
“Have you seen Tracy?” I asked Maria, who was dancing with her older brother.
She, thankfully, nodded. “Yeah, I saw her go backstage a few minutes ago.”
I headed toward the side of the stage and weaved in between the cases from Tyson’s band. They were nearly done with their set, which meant there were only three hours left. The backstage area was dark. Tracy wasn’t anywhere stage left, so I walked behind the curtain to the other side.
There was movement in the corner behind the curtain, where we’d stored some of our bags and boxes. I automatically assumed it was Tracy or maybe even Kara finding more flyers.
“Tracy?” I called out, but was drowned out by the band playing “Shout.”
I pulled the curtain open and froze at the sight of Tracy in full make-out mode with Bruce.
Oh. My. Sir Paul.
Tracy quickly pulled away from Bruce’s passionate grasp, and smoothed out her hair and clothes. “Hey, Pen, what’s up?”
Bruce was breathless, a contented look on his face. “Ah, maybe I should get back to …” He grinned broadly as he turned to Tracy. “So I’ll catch up with you later?”
“We’ll see,” Tracy said with a flirtatious smirk.
I couldn’t help but gape. I waited for a confession or some explanation of what was going on.
Bruce leaned in and did his best to whisper in my ear, “My faith in the female gender has been restored.”
I stood there and continued to stare at Tracy for what felt like months.
When she finally spoke, it was to say, “You can’t tell anybody.”
“Tell anybody what?” I was pretty sure my eyes were out of their sockets. “I’m trying to understand what I saw, because it looked like you were macking hard on Bruce.”
“Well, that’s true …” Tracy laughed. “I mean, yeah, he’s hot. And a good guy, so I felt like, you know, kissing him. Better get my practice in.”
“Tracy!” I said excitedly. “You had your first kiss! And it was so secretive.”
“And pretty hot,” Tracy added. “But seriously, Pen, you can’t tell anybody.”
“Why not?” I couldn’t understand why Tracy would want to keep this to herself. Not that I expected her to make an announcement over the PA system, but still.
“I don’t want to ruin my reputation,” she said in a serious tone.
“Tracy, making out with a guy isn’t going to taint you as some harlot,” I said incredulously.
“That’s not what I mean.” She looked around cautiously. “I like being the girl who isn’t desperate to get a boyfriend. I like that I don’t focus on guys anymore. And Bruce is sweet, but it still doesn’t change the fact that he’s headed back home in a month. I simply thought that I shouldn’t wait until I’m in my twenties to finally kiss a guy. It seemed pretty innocent and it won’t hurt anybody. Yeah, I know Bruce likes me — I mean the guy he has great taste, obvs. But we both know what this was. I don’t think he has any complaints. He knows not to say anything.”
I processed what she said. “Tracy, are you seriously telling me you made out with Bruce solely for practice?”
“I mean, it was nice, don’t get me wrong.” Tracy started playing with her bracelet. “But yeah, I did. I figure guys do it all the time.” It was as if Tracy could sense my concern about Bruce. “And you should know Bruce told me all about the girl back home. He knows we’re only having fun. So there’s no need to look so worried.”
“Okay, your awesome, sexy secret is safe with me.” I’d almost forgotten why I was looking for her in the first place. “Do you have any more flyers?”
“Yeah, I’m on it.” She ducked under the other curtain to grab more flyers, then headed in the direction opposite from the one Bruce had gone.
I stayed for a few seconds to collect my thoughts.
Was everybody keeping secrets from me?
“Penny?” Ryan’s voice brought me back to the present. I turned around and found him looking furious, his hands wrapped tightly in fists.
“What’s wrong?” I asked automatically.
He looked disgusted. “What’s wrong? Are you kidding me? Like you don’t know.”
My stomach instantly dropped. I had no idea what he was talking about. “What? I don’t, what are you … ?”
“I can’t believe this.” He looked so hurt. I took a step forward to try to comfort him, to try to figure out what was wrong. But he stepped back, his face curled in revulsion. He laughed bitterly. “I was looking for you, and Brian told me that he saw Bruce making out with some girl up here. Then Bruce comes out all flustered, but wouldn’t say anything to me. And then I come back here to find you.”
“What?” I tried to understand what he was accusing me of. “You think I was kissing
Bruce? That wasn’t what happened.”
“Oh, so who was Bruce kissing, then, if it wasn’t you? You’re the only one back here.” He made a dramatic show of looking around.
“He was with —” I stopped myself when I remembered the promise I’d made to Tracy. “I can’t say — but you have to believe me. You know I’d never do that.”
“I can’t do this anymore, Penny.” His voice was laced with sadness. “I kept thinking we’d find a way to work this out, but it’s too much. I never know where I stand with you. One minute it seems that you want to get back together, then the next you give me the cold shoulder. I can’t keep putting myself out there for you, only to be pushed aside. Nothing is ever going to change, is it?”
I reached out to touch his arm. “Ryan, please listen to me,” I pleaded, my voice cracking.
He took a sharp step away from me, like I was poisonous. “I can’t.”
I could hardly breathe, wishing he’d listen to what I had to say.
He kept making his distance from me greater. “It’s over.” Then he paused for a second, his jaw clenched. “For good.”
He rushed to the stairs, and I tried to call out to him, but it was too late.
I started typing furiously into my phone.
I need you. Backstage. Now.
Then I sat down on the floor, shaking and crying. Even if I hadn’t been kissing Bruce, I felt Ryan was right. He had put up with a lot and all I’d done was push him aside. I was the one who treated him poorly.
I was his Nate.
“Pen?” Tracy ran up to me, Diane closely following her. She kneeled next to me and wrapped her arms around me. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I’ve messed everything up,” I confessed. “Ryan has had enough. He’s given up on me. He thinks I was back here kissing Bruce — he thinks that little of me. But maybe I deserve that.”
Diane kneeled on the other side of me and began rubbing my back. “I thought you and Ryan were …” She mercifully didn’t say through, finished, over.
“We were, are …” I grabbed the tissue that Diane had out for me. “But …”
And then I told them everything. About the secretive hookups. About how I’d wanted to make it work. About how much I’d hurt him.
They were both quiet as I finished. Tracy had a determined look on her face. “I’ll tell him the truth about Bruce.”
Diane looked confused, but kept her mouth shut. She’d figure it out on her own. I couldn’t believe that Ryan hadn’t done the same.
“Thanks, but I don’t think any of that would matter.” It was truly a lost cause.
“Why did you keep playing it off like you were fine with the breakup?” Diane asked.
“Because I made a mistake!” I finally admitted. As soon as that confession left my mouth, I knew what a total disaster I had made of my relationship with Ryan. “I’m not perfect. In fact, I have been behaving like a complete idiot. But I don’t know how to undo it all. Everything’s a mess.”
“Pen.” Tracy looked at me intensely. “What do you want?”
My mind flashed back to being in the car with Ryan when we’d broken up. He’d asked me that same question. I’d lied to him then. But I wasn’t going to hide the truth anymore. It was a simple answer.
“I want to be with Ryan,” I stated with certainty. “But then I think about what you said, Tracy.”
Tracy was perplexed. “What I said?”
“ ‘What’s the point?’ ”
Tracy studied me for a few seconds before laughing. “Oh. My. God. Seriously, Pen? You’re going to take relationship advice from me? What on earth were you thinking? I’ve never been in a relationship. I have no clue what I’m talking about.”
“But —”
Tracy waved her hand to silence me. “No buts, Pen. You used what Ryan was going through as an excuse to break up with him. You use the Club as an excuse for why you can’t be with him. Enough. The Lonely Hearts Club is like a self-sustaining organism now. You don’t need to feel the pressure to do everything or be everywhere or be everything to everyone. I think when it comes down to it, you keep coming up with excuses because you’re scared of getting hurt again.”
“Like you aren’t scared of getting hurt,” I fired back at her.
“What are you talking about?”
“Is the reason why you don’t want to be with Bruce because you’ve seen how all my failed relationships led me to form The Lonely Hearts Club in the first place?”
“WHAT?” Tracy shook her head. “I can’t believe you thought that. No, the reason I don’t want to be with Bruce is because I don’t want to be with anybody. I want to make out with him because he’s gorgeous and a fun little fling. Something I’ve realized about myself this past year is that I’m actually pretty practical. I hate to break it to you, but you’re the romantic one.”
“Yeah,” Diane agreed. “That makes sense, Penny. You always had your head on straight with guys, but when you really like someone, like you do with Ryan, you go all in. And you should. You should be with Ryan. No excuses.”
“What’s the point?” I asked.
“Stop saying that!” Tracy scolded.
“What I mean is that none of this matters. We can say what we want, but it doesn’t change the fact that Ryan thinks I’m a lying, cheating wench. I’ve hurt him yet again. I can’t do that to him anymore. So it doesn’t matter what I want, does it?”
“But —” Diane tried to reason with me, but I held my hand up to silence her.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. There is no point. The damage has been done and then some.” I wiped away a tear forcefully. “Can we just go out there and pretend like none of this ever happened?”
I think the only way I was going to survive the rest of the school year was to pretend that Ryan and I never happened.
“If that’s what you want.” Diane relented.
“It is.” Although it didn’t really matter what I wanted anymore. Maybe I didn’t deserve to have what I wanted.
“You’re really okay going back out there?”
I nodded weakly.
Because we still had two hours of dancing to do.
After Diane helped me clean up my tear-stained face, the three of us locked arms and walked back out into the gymnasium where the party was still in full swing. There was no need to even look around — I knew I wouldn’t find Ryan.
“Let’s do this!” Tracy declared as she took me by the hand. Then she began to dance in a playful, faux-exotic manner. “This is why I need to stay single — nobody could handle all of this. Too much mystery, too much awesome, too much everything.”
I forced a smile. “Too much bravado?”
“You know it.” She spun me around. “Listen, don’t worry about Ryan. He’ll come around. Bruce and I will come clean to him. It’s my fault he thinks you were cheating. Although you wouldn’t have technically been cheating since you weren’t officially together, but you know how boys can be.” She shook her head in joking exasperation.
Amy came running toward us. “There’s a camera crew here from Channel Five news.”
Diane perked up and looked over at the corner where a woman in a smart blue suit was standing in front of lights. “They came? That’s amazing. This is going to be huge for the Club.”
“They want to interview Penny about the Club and the dance-a-thon.” Amy studied my face with worry. Apparently, it was going to take more than a few tissues and tinted moisturizer to hide my misery.
I turned to Diane. “Can you please do it for me? I can’t.” Even those words took more energy than I had left.
“Of course,” she replied. “I’ll make sure they have everything they need. Do not worry about it.” She took some lip gloss out of her jeans pocket and began applying it.
“Thanks. I owe you.”
Diane stopped her primping and looked at me with such focus. “Penny, you don’t owe me anything.”
I gave her a look that made it
clear that I owed her. A lot.
She kissed me on the cheek and whispered, “Oh, Penny, I don’t think there’s anybody who has benefited more than me from having you in my life. Take the help. You need balance, you need to delegate, remember?”
She was right. Diane was always right. “Yes.”
“Everything’s going to be okay,” she said, with such confidence I desperately wanted to believe her. “Right?” She prodded me.
I closed my eyes and said, with as much certainty that I could muster, “Everything is going to be okay.”
THE WEEK AFTER THE DANCE-A-THON, I should’ve been happily skipping down the hallway. We’d exceeded our expectations by bringing in nearly thirty-two thousand dollars to split between PARC and our scholarship recipient.
And then there was the explosion of the Club online after Diane nailed her interview, which had gone viral. We were currently at thirty-five clubs with one hundred forty-four members in four countries.
I should’ve been riding high, but instead, the week leading up to Prom had become oddly familiar. I had the usual suspects openly mocking me, this time for the fact that I was in contention for Prom queen.
And then there was the coldness from Ryan.
I was also being distant with my friends. Anytime they brought up Ryan, I changed the subject. Tracy had confessed to him about Bruce. She said that he hadn’t really given her much of a reaction. And he was still hanging out with Bruce, so it seemed that he knew the truth. Even Diane had tried to plead my case.
But it was too little, too late.
When both Tracy and Diane didn’t even mention Ryan to me anymore, or try to get me to talk, I knew it was time to move forward. Even though I desperately wanted to gaze longingly in the rearview mirror, where misery was much closer to my heart than it appeared.
I did try to get my spirits up in time for Prom. I got the dress, did the whole manicure, pedicure, hairdo thing. I was playing the role, trying to keep up appearances.
I’d joined Diane, Tracy, Morgan, and Kara at Tracy’s house to put the final touches on our outfits before the motorcade left for our pre-Prom dinner. As Diane, Morgan, and Kara went downstairs, I stared in the mirror at my floor-length white chiffon dress with sweetheart neckline and beaded cap sleeves. I studied the way my hair fell in loose waves, framing my bronzed and blushed face. Anybody looking at this person would think she was getting ready for the night of her life.