CHAPTER IV.
A SEEKER.
"I am twenty-eight years old, and when I review my life, it seems to meso far to have been only a search. One occupation leaves so manyfaculties dormant, and yet the torture of making a choice must come toan end; and in every calling of life the entire manhood may bemaintained and called forth into action.
"I am the child of a perfectly happy marriage, and you know what thatmeans. I shared, from my third year, the education of the PrinceLeonhard. There was a perpetual opposition between us, the reason ofwhich I did not discover until later, when an open breach occurred. Ithen saw for the first time, that a sort of dissimulation, which doesnot agree with good comradeship, had made me outwardly deferential, andinwardly uneasy and irritated. Perhaps nothing is more opposed to thevery nature of a child than a perpetual deference and compliantacquiescence.
"I entered the military school, where I received marked respect,because I had been the comrade of the prince. My father was theremy special instructor, and there I lived two years with yourbrother-in-law. I was not distinguished as a scholar.
"One of the happiest days of my life was the one on which I wore myepaulets for the first time; and though the day on which I laid asidemy uniform was not less happy, I am not yet free from inconsistency. Icannot to this day, see a battery of artillery pass by without feelingmy heart beat quicker.
"I travel backwards and forwards, and I pray you to excuse disconnectednarration. I have, to-day, been through such a various experience; butI will now endeavor to tell my story more directly and concisely.
"Soon after I became lieutenant, my parents removed to the universitycity; I was how left alone. I was, for a whole year, contented withmyself and happy, like every one around me. I can remember now the veryhour of a beautiful autumn afternoon,--I still see the tree, and hearthe magpie in its branches,--when I suddenly reined in my horse, andsomething within me asked, 'What art thou doing in the world? trainingthyself and thy recruits to kill thy fellow-men in the most scientificmanner?'"
"Allow me to ask one question," Clodwig mildly interrupted. "Did themilitary school never seem to you a school of men, and part of yourprofession?"
Eric was confused, and replied in the negative; then collecting histhoughts, he resumed: "I sought to drive away oppressive thoughts, butthey would not leave me. I had fallen out with myself and myoccupation. I cannot tell you how useless to myself and to the world Iseemed to be,--all was empty, bare, desolate. There were days when Iwas ashamed of my dress, that I, a sound; strong man, should be loafingabout so well dressed, my horse perhaps consuming the oats of some poorman."
"That is morbid," Clodwig struck in with vehemence.
"I see it is now; but then it was different in the first stress offeeling. The Crimean war broke out, and I asked for a furlough, inorder to become acquainted with actual war. My commander, PrinceLeonhard, at the rifle-practice, casually asked me which army I meantto join; and before I could reply, he added, in a caustic tone, 'Wouldyou prefer to enlist with the light French or the heavy Englishman?' Mytongue was tied, and I perceived clearly my own want of a clearunderstanding of my position. How mere a cipher was I, standing therewithout any knowledge of myself or the world! My outer relations sharedin the total ruin of my inner being. Must I relate to you all thesepetty annoyances? I deserved to have them, for there was in me nothingbut contradiction, and my whole life was one single great lie. Auniform had been given me; I was not myself, and I was a poor soldier,for I abandoned myself to the study of philosophy, and wished to solvethe riddle of life. I am of a peculiarly companionable, sympatheticnature, and yet the continued life among my fellow-soldiers had becomean impossibility.
"I bore it two years, then asked for my discharge; which I received,with the rank of Captain, out of respect to my parents, I think. I wasfree, at last, and yet, as I said before, it saddened me to break awayfrom my life.
"I was free! It was strange to look out into the world and say. World,what do you want of me? What must I do for you? Here are a thousandemployments; which shall I take? I was ready for anything. I had a finevoice, and many people thought that I might become a professionalsinger, and I received overtures to that effect. But my own inclinationled in a very different direction. An earnest longing possessed me tomake some sacrifice for my fellow-men. Had I been a devout believer, Ithink I should have become a monk."
Clodwig opened his eyes and met Eric's beaming glance. After a shortpause, Clodwig nodded to Eric, then folded his arms again on hisbreast, laid his head back, nodded again, and closed his eyes. Ericcontinued:--
"When I first went through the streets in a civilian's dress, I felt asif I were walking naked before the eyes of men, as one sometimes seemsto be in troubled dreams. In such a helpless, forlorn state of feeling,one grows superstitious, and is easily governed by the merestaccidents; The first person who met me, and stared at me, as ifdoubting who I was, was my former captain, who had left the service,and was superintendent of a House of Correction for men. He had seenthe notice of my discharge, and remembering some of my former attemptsin that direction, asked whether I meant to devote myself entirely topoetry. I answered in the negative, and he told me that he was lookingfor an assistant. My decision was soon made; I would consecrate myselfto the care and elevation of my fallen fellow-men. After entering on mynew occupation I wrote to my parents. My father replied to me, that heappreciated my efforts, but foresaw with certainty that my natural loveof beauty would make a life among criminals unbearable to me; he wasright. I tried with all my might to keep in subjection a longing forthe higher luxuries of life, but in vain. I was without that peculiarnatural vein, or perhaps had not reached that elevated standpoint,which enables one to look upon and to treat all the aspects of life asso many natural phenomena. In my captain's uniform, I received morerespect from the prisoners than in my citizen's dress. This experiencewas a sort of nightmare to me. Life among the convicts, who were eitherhardened brutes or cunning hypocrites, became a hell to me, andthis hell had one peculiar torment. I fell into a mood of morbidself-criticism, because I could not forget the world, but wasconstantly trying to guess the thoughts of others. I tormented myselfby imagining what men said of my course. In their eyes I seemed tomyself now an idealistic vagabond, if you will allow the expression.This I was not, and would not be, and above all, I was determined thatmy enemies and deriders should not have the triumph of seeing me thewreck of a fickle and purposeless existence.
"Ah, I vexed myself unnecessarily; for who has time or inclination tolook for a man who has disappeared! Men bury the dead, and go back totheir every-day work, and so they bury the living too. I do notreproach them for it, it must be so.
"It became clear to me that I was not fitted for the calling I hadchosen. I lived too much within myself, and tried in every event tostudy the foundation and growth of character of those around me, notwilling to acknowledge that the nature and actions of men do notdevelope themselves so logically as I had thought. Besides, I was tooimpassioned, and possessed by a constant longing for the beautiful.
"I thought of emigrating to the New World, but what should I do there?Was it worth while to have borne such varied experiences and strugglesin order to turn a bit of the primeval forest into a cornfield? Still,one consideration drew me toward America. My father's only brother, theproprietor of a manufactory of jewelry, lived there, but was quite lostto us. He had loved my mother's sister, but his suit was somewhatharshly rejected, and he left Europe for the New World. He cast off allconnection with his home and family, and turned out of his house in NewYork a friend of my father's who guardedly mentioned us to him. Hewould hear nothing of us, nor even of Europe. I imagined that I couldreconcile my uncle, and you know that a man in desperate circumstanceslooks for salvation to the most adventurous undertakings.
"My good father helped me. What he had always recognized as my truevocation, from which I had turned blinded by the attractions of armylife,
I now saw plainly. A thirst for loneliness arose within me; Ifelt that I must find some spot of earth where no disturbing tone couldpenetrate the inner life, where I could immerse myself in solitude.This solitude which is inclusive of all true life, study, the world ofletters, now offered to me. My father helped me, while showing me thatmy past life was not wasted, but must give me a new direction and apeculiar success. He brought me a birth-day gift which I had receivedin my cradle; the senate of the University; in which he had lecturedbefore his appointment as tutor of the prince, had bestowed upon mesoon after my birth its certificate of matriculation, as a new-bornprince receives a military commission."
Clodwig laughed heartily, rubbed his eyes, leaned forward with bothhands on his knees, looked kindly at Eric, and begged him to go on.
"I have little more to tell you. I soon schooled myself, or rather myfather schooled me, to live for universal ends, and to put aside allpersonal aims as much as possible. I devoted myself to the study ofancient literature, and every aspiration for the beautiful, which hadidealized the poet's vocation for me, found satisfaction in myintroduction to the classic world. 'Every man may glory in hisindustry,' says the poet. I worked faithfully, and felt only in myfather's house the happiness of a child, and in my youth the joy ofmental growth. My father hoped that success would be granted me wherehe had failed; he made me heir of those ideas which he could neitherestablish as scientific truth, nor impart from his professor's chair,if there ever were a happy home, made holy by lofty aspiration, it wasmy parents' house. There my younger brother died, now very nearly ayear ago; my father, who already was sorely sick at heart, with all hisstoic fortitude could not bear this blow. It is two months since healso died. I kept down the anguish of my bereavement, finished mystudies, and received my doctor's degree a few days ago. My mother andI formed various plans, but have not yet decided upon any. I made thisexcursion to the Rhine in compliance with my mother's advice, for Ihave been working very hard; on my return we meant to come to somedecision. I met your brother-in-law, and I feel it my duty not to turnaway from the opening which has offered. I am ready to enter intoprivate service, knowing what I undertake, and believing that I amthoroughly equipped for it. There was a time when I thought I couldfind satisfaction only in working for some great public interest; now Ishould be content to educate a single human being, still more toco-operate in training to a fitness for his great duties one, who, byhis future lordship over vast possessions, represents in himselfmanifold human interests.
"I have come to the end of my story. I do not wish that any one shouldthink better of me than I deserve, but I also wish to pass for what Ibelieve I am. I am neither modest nor conceited; I may be in dangerousignorance, for I do not in the least know how I am regarded by others;I have shown only what I find in myself by honest self-examination. Imean to be a teacher. He who would live in the spirit, and has not theartist's creative power, must be a teacher; for the teacher is, so tospeak, the artisan of the higher being, and, like every artisan, is somuch the better workman, or teacher, the more of the artist spirit hehas and uses. A thought is the best gift which man can bestow upon man,and what I give my pupil is no longer my own. But pardon me for havingfallen into this vein of preaching. I have shown you my whole life, aswell as I can; where I have left any gaps, pray question me."
"Nothing further is needed," said Clodwig, rising, and quietly layingaside the sofa-blanket. "Only one question. Have you never had thedesire to marry, or has that not entered into your plans?"
"No, I shall not marry. I have heard so many men say, 'Yes, ideals, Ihad them too, but now I live in and for my family.' I will notsacrifice everything higher to the caprice of a pretty woman. I knowthat I am at variance with the world; I cannot dissemble, nor can Ichange my own way of thinking, nor bring others over to mine. I haveset myself a difficult life-task, which can be best carried out alone."
Clodwig stepped quickly towards Eric and said:--
"I give you my hand again. This hand shall never be withdrawn from you,so long as it has life. I had something else in view for you, but now Icannot and need not speak of it; I will subdue my own wishes. Enough;press on quietly and firmly towards your goal; whatever I can do tohelp you reach it, you have a right to demand. Remember you have aclaim upon me in every situation and condition of your life. You cannotyet estimate what you have given, and are still giving me. Good night,my dear young friend."
The count hastily withdrew, as if to avoid any further emotion. Ericstood still, looking at the empty chair and the sofa-blanket as if allwere a dream, until a servant came, and, in a very respectful manner,conducted him to his room.