Walking Hannah home after another adventurous day had become a routine for Gabriel.
Her cheeks glowed red as she strolled, arms stretched out, head thrown back, through the high grass, which surrounded her home from three sides. Whenever she left her room, Hannah’s eyes took on an awed shine as though she still didn’t believe the world, which had suddenly opened up to her. “That was so exciting,” she beamed, eyes sparkling. “Whenever Mrs. Hall disappeared from sight, I was sure she would be back in her office any second and find Jack among her roses.” She stopped, taking a deep breath. “I felt my heart beating through my chest.”
Gabriel nodded. “I know what you mean. Sometimes I think Eddie is insane; all the things he does, and it doesn’t seem to bother him. He’s cool as a cucumber while I feel like jelly, shaking all over.”
Hannah laughed. “He’s amazing, isn’t he? I wish I could be like that. Just go out and do what needs to be done and…be confident about it.”
“Confidence,” Gabriel mused. “I feel like that’s something that comes and goes. Today with Mrs. Hall I felt…intimidated. I’m not good at keeping secrets. I always feel like people see what I’m hiding the second I walk in the door. It’s awful. I should work on that.”
Cocking her head to the side, Hannah looked at him. “Have you told anyone about me?”
“Not really, no.”
“Then you have kept a secret, haven’t you?” Hannah said, climbing over the run-down fence into the back yard. “Only practice makes perfect.”
Gabriel laughed. “Are you suggesting I should lie more often?”
“That’s not what I meant,” she said when suddenly the smile vanished from her face.
“What’s wrong?” Gabriel asked, looking around. “Do you see your grandfather?”
Hannah didn’t say a word. Instead, her face went white, and she clutched a hand to her chest. A second later, her eyes rolled back, and she sank down, almost disappearing in the high grass.
***
For a moment, the world seemed to stand still.
The long-stemmed grass stalks swaying in the soft summer breeze stopped in their tracks. Birds calling to each other hung in mid-air as though painted onto the blue sky. Hannah lying on the ground in the shade of the tall oak tree, her eyes closed and her face pale, didn’t move a muscle. Not a twitch in the corner of her mouth. Not a fluttering of her eyelids. Nothing.
And then reality hit Gabriel right between the eyes.
His hands let go of his bike, and it fell to the ground. In a flash, he took the fence and rushed to Hannah’s side.
The world was moving again. Only Hannah remained still.
Again and again, Gabriel called her name. He tried to shake her awake. Then he put two fingers on her neck, like he had seen on TV, to check her pulse. It was there. A slow beating. Faint and soft.
Staring at her motionless face, Gabriel felt chills creeping up his spine. He didn’t know what to do.
Then, he thought he saw her move. No, he was sure of it. Again staring at her face, he called her name.
Her eyelids twitched and slowly began to open. Gabriel breathed a sigh of relief. “Hannah? Can you hear me? Are you all right?”
Her eyes opened, and she looked at him, but for a second, he felt like she didn’t even see him. Then she blinked, and her eyes focused. “Gabriel?” she whispered.
“Yes. Are you all right? What can I do? You need a doctor!” Quickly, he pulled his cell phone out of his back pocket.
Her eyes went wide. “No!” she said and, lifting a hand, reached for the phone. “Don’t call anyone! I’m fine. It’s nothing. It’ll pass.”
As she struggled to rise, he took her by the arm and pulled her into a sitting position. Lowering himself into the grass next to her, Gabriel stared at her face. “You know what’s wrong with you, don’t you?”
Hannah took a deep breath, still looking white as a sheet. Then she nodded.
Suddenly, the warm breeze felt ice-cold on his face. “And it’s not nothing, is it?” Gabriel asked, wishing even before she nodded that he could wind back time. Go back to when life was still simple.
When Hannah remained quiet, her breath coming in short gasps, he said, “Tell me.”
Her eyes met his, and she shook her head. “I don’t want to. Can’t you just forget that this happened? Can’t we just go back to what it was like before?”
More than anything, Gabriel wanted to say yes. “Tell me,” he said instead.
For a moment, Hannah closed her eyes, but after taking another deep breath, she turned to him. “It’s my heart,” she whispered. “There is something wrong with it. My mom had it, too.”
Deep down, Gabriel knew what she was telling him, but he pushed that thought away, reaching for a straw instead. “Do you need medicine? I could go get your grandfather. Call someone.”
Before he could rise to his feet, Hannah put a hand on his and again shook her head.
Seeing her sitting on the ground, barely able to keep herself upright, looking like a picture of misery, Gabriel felt a new feeling rise to the surface. “Why not?” he snapped. “I don’t care if he gets mad at you or at me. I don’t care if anyone knows you left your room. How bad can that be compared to—?” He broke off.
“There's nothing he can do,” Hannah whispered, the ghost of a sad smile flashing across her face.
Gabriel frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I think you know what I mean.”
Lips pressed together, he shook his head. “But your mom had it, too. How did they treat her? There has to be something that can be done.”
Again, Hannah shook her head. “They tried to help her, but it didn’t work.” She looked him straight in the eyes then, her gaze not wavering. “And then she died.”
***
That night, Gabriel felt as though he was suffocating. The new life that had come to him out of the blue turned sour, weighing heavily on his shoulders. Sitting at the dinner table, he picked at his food, unaware that his grandparents were watching him with worried eyes. Only when they spoke to him, calling his name, did he look up and read on their faces that he scared them.
“It’s nothing,” Gabriel said as he left the table, hearing Hannah’s words echo in his mind. “I’m tired. I’ll go to bed early.”
He did, but sleep just wouldn’t come. Instead, he saw Hannah’s pale face with those huge eyes looking at him. Sometimes what he saw there was amazement at the world before her and sometimes it was sadness held at bay by a strength he only now understood. Again, he wondered about her life. Was that the reason why she wasn’t allowed outside? And had he made it worse by helping her leave her room? What would happen now?
Millions of questions raced through his head, keeping his mind busy. Only when exhaustion finally closed his eyes did he fall into a restless sleep.
When Gabriel woke up the next day, he didn’t wait for breakfast. He got dressed, jumped on his bike and rode over to Hannah’s house. Leaving his bike by the tall oak tree, he climbed the rope ladder to her room. Again, he found her stretched out on the bed, cursing himself for not having understood the signs before.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Hannah chided. “That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.”
Pulling up her painting stool, he sat down. “Is this why you’re not allowed outside?” She nodded. “How could you not tell me?” His voice became harsher.
“Because then you wouldn’t have helped me.”
“Of course not,” Gabriel snapped, feeling his fingernails dig into his palms as he tried to stay calm.
Hannah smiled. “So I was right not to tell you.”
“No, you weren’t! This is not something you keep from people. I didn’t know, and so I helped you, and now, you’re…you’re…”
Pushing back the pillow she laid on, Hannah sat up, leaning back against the headboard. “None of this is your fault,” she said, eyes fixed on his, all humor gone from them. “Don’t ever think that. If anyth
ing, you gave me something I didn’t think I’d ever have.”
Gabriel frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“Do you want to know what my life has been like so far?” Hannah asked, a harsh tone coming to her voice as well. “I’ll tell you. I’ve spent my entire life locked up in white rooms, hooked up to machines, and whenever I looked at my father and grandfather, all I ever saw there was the pain I was causing them. And now that it’s become clear that nothing can be done, I’m stuck in this room with the world right outside my window. So close, and yet, so far away. And when you guys came to my window, I…I thought I was dreaming.” Tears came to her eyes as she spoke. “You didn’t know, and I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to look at me like that. All I wanted was to live. Just once before I die.”
Unable to move, Gabriel stared at her, feeling tears run down his cheeks.
“Please, don’t tell the others,” she asked, her eyes pleading. “They can’t know. Promise me.”
Wiping the tears from his face, Gabriel nodded. “Promise.”
***
The following week Hannah was too weak to leave her room, and so Gabriel made up an excuse for the others and spent every day sitting by her bed. He tried his best to be in a good mood, but she always called his bluff. “You really gotta practice this some more!” she chided, laughing at him.
“I know,” he mumbled. “I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Hannah said. “I already knew you wouldn’t be able to.” She smiled. “Maybe that’s a good thing. That you’re incapable of lying…at least of lying convincingly.”
“I’m wondering…”
She nodded. “Go ahead, ask.”
Gabriel sighed. “I’m just wondering why you’re always up here all by yourself. What about your grandfather? He is downstairs. You’re upstairs. I don’t get that. And what about your dad? Don’t they want to be with you?”
Hugging her knees, Hannah rested her head on them. “Yes and no.”
“What does that mean? Either they do or they don’t.”
“Both of them have already watched my mother die,” Hannah explained, her eyes shifting to the window where in the distance small lights seemed to be dancing in the darkening air. “But back then, they still had me. They had to go on, and they had a reason why.” She shrugged. “Now, it’s different. It’s not that they don’t want to be with me. They just don’t want to watch me die. I could see it in their faces when I looked at them. So I told them to go. I told them I wanted to be alone.”
“What?” Gabriel asked, staring at her dumbfounded. “And they did?”
Hannah smiled. “I can be quite insistent if I want to.”
“That’s true,” Gabriel said, smiling back at her. “Where is your dad? He doesn’t live here, does he?”
She shook her head. “He is back home, but he sometimes comes over on weekends. He’s working. Distracting himself. I think it’s what’s best for him.”
“But he’s your dad,” Gabriel insisted. “Shouldn’t he be there for you? How can he leave you alone in this? I mean he’s an adult, he should be able to…”
“To what?” Hannah asked. “Yes, he’s an adult, but that doesn’t mean he can handle everything life throws at him.” She eyed him curiously. “Is that what you think? That parents can deal? That they always know what to do?”
Gabriel shrugged. “I don’t know. They always pretend they do.”
“But sometimes they just don’t,” Hannah said. “Sometimes they are as confused and scared as we are. Sometimes they need us to take care of them. Sometimes we are the ones who need to go ahead.”
“But do you prefer to be alone rather than have them with you?”
Hannah shrugged. “They can’t bear seeing me like this, and I can’t bear seeing them sad, knowing that I’m the reason.”
“It’s not your fault,” Gabriel objected.
“I know that,” Hannah said, her eyes shifting to the dancing lights again. “But that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is or isn’t.” A single tear ran down her cheek. “I'm going to die, and they're going to have to deal with that.”
“So will we,” Gabriel said, again feeling a heavy sadness resting on his eyes. “How do you deal with this? I can’t imagine knowing what you know and still be…”
“Cheerful?” Hannah asked, a sad smile on her face. She shrugged. “It’s not easy, but…I’ve had time to get used to the thought.” Again, her eyes shifted to the window. “And I have something to look forward to.”
That surprised Gabriel. “You do?”
Hannah nodded. “Don’t laugh at me, okay? I told you before that when I was little, my dad said that my mom became a firefly when she died. Back home, there have always been fireflies outside the window. I even used to talk to them.” A smile spread over her face. “I still do.”
Gabriel followed her gaze out the window. The small, bright dots almost swallowed up by the darkening forest looked like stars. Earth-bound stars.
Staring at them, Hannah went on. “And since I’ve come here to stay with my grandfather, I’ve seen them here, too, just over there by the edge of the forest. It’s almost like they’re following me.” She reached out an arm as though trying to touch them. “This is where my mom grew up. This is where she is buried. This is where I will die, too.”
Gabriel looked at her with wondrous eyes. “You think you will see her again.”
Hannah nodded. “I know she will come for me.”
“Do you really believe that?” Gabriel asked, feeling tears run down his cheeks.
Again, Hannah nodded. “With all my heart.”
***
Before he even reached the window, Gabriel heard Hannah’s sobs. She lay curled up on her bed, arms hugging a pillow tightly to her body. Tears streamed down her face.
For a moment, Gabriel hesitated. Then he climbed through the window. “Are you all right?” he whispered.
With a start, Hannah looked up. “Gabriel.” She sat up, brushing the tears off her cheeks. “I didn’t hear you come in.” She tried to smile at him.
“Don’t,” Gabriel said, sitting down beside her.
She looked at him, a confused frown on her face. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t pretend everything’s all right when it’s not,” he said. “I can see that it’s not.” Hannah looked away, and he put a hand on her arm. “Tell me. I promise I won’t break if you tell me the truth.” Big eyes full of tears held in check, she turned to him again. “I can take it,” he promised.
For a short time, Hannah just looked at him, her eyes searching his. He could see that she was battling with herself whether or not to tell him. Then she took a deep breath and for a moment closed her eyes. Her lips were pressed into a tight line, and when she looked at him again, tears ran freely down her cheeks. “I don’t want to die,” she whispered, her voice choked.
Gabriel nodded, feeling tears wet his own face. “I know. I know you don’t,” he said, brushing a hand over her arm. “And I don’t want you to either.”
Through a curtain of tears, she smiled at him then, and once more, Gabriel wondered how one so small could be so strong. He took her in his arms then, brushing a hand over her back, and let her cry.
Chapter 19 – Hand in Hand
“How are you feeling today?” Gabriel asked, climbing through the window. “You look better. Less pale.”
Hannah nodded, pushing back her hair and tying it in a ponytail. “I do. Much better. Good enough to go out today.”
“Really?” Gabriel asked, looking her up and down. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? What if you get worse? What if you faint again?”
Hannah shrugged. “There is nothing I can do about that, but I know that I don’t want to stay in this room, waiting for it to happen. I want to taste life.” She grinned at him, eyes beaming. “And I know where to go.” She pulled her cell phone from her jeans pocket. “I know it’s s
upposed to be a team effort, but I figured out the riddle. I hope you’re not mad.”
“You did? All by yourself? When?”
She frowned at him, shaking her head. “Where have you been? I’ve been cooped up in this room for a week. In-between all the busyness, I managed to find a few minutes here and there to work on it.”
Gabriel laughed. “All right, I guess I deserved that. So, where do we go?”
“Oh no.” Hannah shook her head. “Let’s get the others first.”
***
Sitting on the curb by Stan’s hardware store on Market Street, Hannah and Gabriel turned their heads just in time to spot the others ride their bikes around the corner and head toward them. Eddie, a big grin on his face, waved from afar. “Hannah!” he called as he stopped beside them. “You’re not contagious anymore, are you? I really don’t want to catch a cold in summer. That’s gotta be awful.”
Hannah shook her head, glancing at Gabriel. “Safe as houses.”
“Good,” Jack said. “Glad to have you back. So, what’s the emergency meeting about?”
“Are you sure you should ride a bike with that thing?” Gabriel asked looking at Jordan’s cast. With her right arm still of no use, she had gone to riding her bike one-handed. “Is that safe?”
Moaning, Jordan rolled her eyes. “Oh, I so don’t care. I’m not spending my summer stuck in the house.”
“I totally agree,” Hannah chimed in, her eyes sparkling as she looked at Gabriel. “Life is too short.”
Looking at her, Gabriel wondered how she could be so cheerful.
“I appreciate the support,” Jordan said, nodding at Hannah. “Here, saved you a space.” She held up her cast and pointed to the only white spot left. The remaining area had already been written on and colored in by the rest of their little group. “But nothing corny.”
A huge grin spread over Hannah’s face as she took the marker Jordan held out to her. “All right, let me think.” Her eyes narrowed slightly but only a second later opened wide. “How about this?” Putting marker to cast, she wrote Seize the Day.
Jordan nodded. “I like it. It’s simple but really fitting.” She glanced at Jack and Liam, who just shook their heads. “And not crap like other people, who shall remain nameless, thought appropriate to write.” Her eyes shot lightning bolts at Eddie, who just shrugged and said, “What? I didn’t know what to write.”