He looked annoyed. “As I was saying—”
“I must go, but I would like to speak with you.” Julia didn’t want to keep him standing in the dark hall with her. “We can speak later.” She handed him the letter and hurried away before he could say anything else.
Julia spent a quiet evening in her room. She couldn’t help wondering what Mr. Langdon was doing; how his time was being monopolized by the young widow, Mrs. Tromburg; and whether her beauty would be able to charm him a second time.
The next morning, just as Julia was getting the children settled down to their schoolwork, someone knocked on the schoolroom door. Julia got up and opened it to Mrs. Atherton.
“I came to tell you, Miss Grey, that there is no need for you to stay another week. You may leave any time you like. In fact”—she raised her eyebrows and looked down her long, pointed nose at Julia—“I would prefer it if you would leave early tomorrow morning.”
“You don’t want me to finish out the week with the children?”
“No. The carriage will be made ready for you at dawn. You may collect your salary from Mrs. Farnsworth.”
Painfully aware that the children were just behind her and hearing everything their mother was saying, Julia nodded, meeting Mrs. Atherton’s disdainful stare. “Thank you, Mrs. Atherton. Would you like to explain the situation to the children, or shall I?”
Mrs. Atherton looked momentarily nonplussed and then waved her hand in the air. “Just as you please. Tell Nellie to look after them.” With that, she turned and walked away.
Taking a deep breath, Julia closed the door and faced the children. They were all reacting to the news according to their dispositions. Some of their expressions were blank, as if they had already stuffed down and hidden their feelings about having to say good-bye to another governess. Elizabeth was starting to cry, the first big tear rolling down her cheek. Julia gathered her up in her arms and sat on the floor with her in her lap.
“Come here, children.” Some of them sat with their heads down, but Timothy drew closer to her, as if hoping she would hug him too. She reached out and put an arm around him, holding him to her side.
“I’m so sorry, but I must leave you.” She felt the tears damming up behind her eyes. “You are all intelligent, wonderful children, and I want you to know that I have come to care for you all very much in the short time I have been here. You are very important, and I will be praying for each of you, every night before I go to sleep, that you will grow up strong and healthy, and that you will be kind and good adults who care about other people, just the way God cares about you.”
They stared at her as if she were speaking another language, their eyes round and bright.
“Why are you leaving us?” Timothy asked. “Were we bad?”
“No, of course not. You weren’t bad. I don’t want to leave you, but I must. It is not your fault. If I could, I’d take you all with me.”
“You could take me.” Timothy’s face suddenly lit up. “No one would know I was gone. I once fell asleep in the cupboard and slept there all day, and Nellie didn’t even notice I was gone. You could take me with you, and I could come back when I was a grown-up man.”
Julia smiled. “I do wish I could, Timothy. Your mother and father wouldn’t allow it. Besides, your brothers and sisters would miss you.”
The others chimed in with either agreement or disagreement with her statement.
Julia got their attention again. “I want you to promise me that you will study diligently and obey your new governess, and be respectful of your nurse and your parents.”
Nellie came in and clapped her hands. “Come along, then. It’s a fair day to run around in the sun. Don’t waste it.”
Reluctantly, it seemed, the children stood and went to find their hats. Little Elizabeth put her arms around Julia’s neck. “You were my best governess of all,” she whispered next to Julia’s ear.
Julia smiled at her. “You are a brave girl, Elizabeth. I hope to see you again, perhaps when you are a young lady, all grown up. Yes?”
Elizabeth nodded. Julia wiped the girl’s chubby cheeks with her handkerchief, and the child went to find her things. Julia stood and watched them all leave with their nurse.
Julia had the rest of the day to pack up her things and say good-bye to the other staff members. Most of them hadn’t been very friendly to Julia, so she only bid a few of them farewell.
This was her last chance to speak to Mr. Langdon. She could not go away without telling him good-bye. And even though she was only a teacher at a girls’ school now, part of her longed to tell him how much she cared about him.
Julia stood at her window, absently staring at the stable yard. She saw a man dismount and hand the reins of his horse to a groomsman. There was something familiar about the man. As he spoke to the servant, he turned his head and looked up at Julia’s window. She gasped and covered her mouth.
Hugh Edgerton grinned up at her.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Nicholas hung back, hiding himself just outside the door of the drawing room. How had Edgerton wrangled an invitation to this already overcrowded house party?
Edgerton started toward the door, glancing around as if making sure no one would see him leaving the drawing room. Nicholas quickly ducked into the library, waiting in the shadows until Edgerton passed, and then he followed him, making his footsteps as silent as possible and staying as far back as he could without losing sight of him.
Edgerton headed for the back stairs. Nicholas stayed well behind him, letting him go around the curving wooden steps. He started up after him, stepping gingerly so as not to make any loud footfalls with his boots. He soon realized Edgerton hadn’t stopped on the first floor, as he could still hear his boots on the stairs above, but had headed up the next flight, to the rooms. When he heard him knocking on someone’s door, Nicholas flew the rest of the way up.
“Who is it?” came the muffled voice from inside, and Nicholas knew it as Miss Grey’s.
Edgerton didn’t say anything, only knocked again. Nicholas surged forward and Edgerton swiveled to face him and held up his hands. “What—?”
“Stay away from Miss Grey.”
Edgerton glared at him. “What gives you the right?”
“Because I know what you and Wilhern did. Do you wish me to blacken your name even more than you have done yourself? Stay. Away. From Miss Grey.” Nicholas leaned menacingly toward him.
Edgerton backed away, still holding his hands up as if to ward off a blow. “Very well, very well. I’m staying away.” He continued to back away and finally said, “May I leave now?” He gestured toward the stairs, which were behind Nicholas.
Nicholas stepped aside to let him pass and then watched him go all the way down and out of sight. Finally, when he could no longer hear Edgerton’s steps and all was quiet, Nicholas stepped up to her door.
“Miss Grey?” he called softly. “Are you there?”
“Yes, I am here. Thank you for chasing him away.”
“You are most welcome.” There was so much more he wanted to say, but it was hard to speak when he could not even see her, and when others might be coming up or going down the stairs at any moment and hear them.
He pressed his forehead against the door, imagining her on the other side. “Will you come to the ball tonight?”
“I cannot.”
“You will be my special guest. I will make sure no harm comes to you.” He pressed his palm against the door and closed his eyes. Please say yes. He imagined that he was pressing her warm hand instead of the cold wooden door, imagined her eyes sparkling back at him. It was agony to be so close to her and yet not be able to see or touch her.
He held his breath as he waited for her answer.
Julia approached the door, wishing she could open it, thinking of him on the other side. But as the governess, it would be improper to be seen talking to Mr. Langdon in the doorway of her bedroom. She pressed her hand against its hard surface, longing to be cl
oser to him. “I do not believe Mrs. Atherton will want me at the ball.”
“I will get permission from Mrs. Atherton.”
How could she explain? Your former fiancée, Mrs. Tromburg, would only find some way to humiliate me. Besides, he would be ridiculed for dancing with her.
She swallowed and said, “I must leave soon. I have a new position.”
“Come with me now, to the garden.” There was an edge to his voice. “I need to speak to you.”
“I will be there in five minutes.”
“I’ll wait for you at the north side of the hedge.” His voice sounded eager and oh so dear.
Julia quickly washed her face, put on her bombazine spencer, and then grabbed her bonnet. Taking a quick look, the mirror showed a pale, wide-eyed girl. “Give me strength, Lord. No matter what happens.” Tying her bonnet under her chin, she hurried from the room, down the stairs, and out the back door.
Julia walked toward the north side of the hedge. She kept her head down to avoid the strong wind that was forcing her eyes to water. As she rounded the end of the tall hedgerow, she glanced up, expecting to see Mr. Langdon alone. Instead, she saw Mrs. Tromburg standing in front of him. The two of them were talking, their faces close together.
Julia’s stomach churned and her cheeks burned. Had he summoned her here to see this?
Just then, Mrs. Tromburg stood on tiptoe, her hand reaching up as if to caress Mr. Langdon’s face.
Mr. Langdon stepped away from her, and his eyes fell on Julia.
Mrs. Tromburg turned around, also catching sight of Julia, and smiled her widest smile. “If it isn’t the governess!” she called out.
Julia was an imbecile to believe Mr. Langdon might care for her, might even ask her to marry him. Julia turned and hurried back toward the house.
Nicholas took a step toward Miss Grey, about to call out to her, when Henrietta caught his arm.
“What do you want with her?” She gripped his arm tighter. “Don’t be a fool, Nicholas. Marry me and I will make you happy, I swear.”
He looked down at Henrietta, really looked at her. Was she mad to offer him marriage? Her words repulsed him, but at the same time, the desperation on her face evoked pity. She had little to live on now that her husband had died. She must be frantic to find another husband.
“I am sorry, but I cannot marry you.”
“What will become of me? Surely there is still some love for me in your heart.”
She lifted her hand toward his chest, but he sidestepped out of her reach.
“I do not love you. I’m sorry.” He started walking toward the house. Did he still have time to catch Miss Grey?
“I don’t believe you,” she called after him.
He didn’t look back but broke into a run, not seeing Miss Grey anywhere. She must have gone inside.
As soon as he walked in, Mrs. Atherton stopped him. “Mr. Langdon, I was just looking for you. I wanted to speak with you about the parish here at Donnerly and the living that has become vacant. Mr. Atherton and I are trying to decide whom to offer it to. Can you tell me of any worthy rectors who might be interested? I wanted to get your opinion of some of the candidates.”
“Mrs. Atherton,” he broke in when she finally paused to take a breath, “may I speak with you about this later? I am in a hurry—”
“Oh no, for I only have a minute myself before I have to go get ready for the ball, and you do as well, for it is getting very late. Believe me, it will only take a moment.”
Nicholas clenched his teeth and followed his hostess into what appeared to be her husband’s office. There she listed what seemed like a hundred prospective clergymen for the vacant living.
“Mr. Langdon? Are you listening?”
“Mrs. Atherton, I wholeheartedly recommend Mr. Killigrew. I know him personally, and he is an honorable man, and now I believe we both of us have barely enough time to get ready for the ball, so I bid you good day until then.” He bowed formally but quickly.
“Oh, of course, Mr. Langdon. You must get yourself dressed and ready, and so must I.”
He left the room as she was still speaking.
Julia made it to the house without Mr. Langdon even calling out to her. She went more slowly up the stairs to her room, hoping he might catch up to her. After all, the tête-à-tête he was having with Mrs. Tromburg might not have been his doing.
But what if Mr. Langdon had asked Julia to meet him there so he could tell her that he was marrying his former fiancée? Julia quickly closed her door behind her.
It made sense. He had once loved Mrs. Tromburg, had once planned to marry her. And she was very beautiful. Julia could understand how a man could be blinded by beauty and artifice and marry someone who was completely wrong for him. He wouldn’t be the first man to succumb. And besides, he might feel badly that she had been left with such a small jointure, hardly enough to live on.
It was silly of Julia to think he might want to marry a governess with no fortune or connections. An orphan whose guardian was a traitor. Unloved and unlovable.
Julia felt dizzy and realized she’d hardly eaten anything all day. So she closed her door and went down to the kitchen to see if the cook and kitchen maid would be more polite than usual when she asked for tea. After all, it was her last day.
Nicholas reached Julia’s door. Finally. He knocked but there was no answer. He knocked again and called softly, “Miss Grey.” Still nothing.
Someone was coming, so he started back down the stairs and passed a maid going up. She smiled flirtatiously at him as she passed.
Either Miss Grey was too angry to answer his knock, or she wasn’t in her room. And he was running out of time before the ball. He would simply have to write her a note and shove it under her door. He couldn’t stand outside her room all evening. The servants would be talking about it, and so would the guests, by tomorrow morning.
He simply had to speak to her. He couldn’t wait. In case he didn’t see her at the ball, he would write to her and ask her to meet him, first thing tomorrow morning.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Julia brought her tea up to her room to eat in peace and silence, but somehow, the room seemed lonelier than ever. The tea was comforting, and she sipped it slowly while staring at her bag and trunk, already packed and waiting to leave with her at dawn.
She had missed her chance to speak to Mr. Langdon in the garden, so perhaps she would attend the ball after all. It could be the last time she would ever see him.
Perhaps she should also write him a letter. In a letter she could thank him, and also apologize to him, and wouldn’t have to fear what he would say or how he would look.
She went to her tiny desk and began to write:
Mr. Langdon,
Please don’t think me too forward for writing you this letter. I am sorry I was not able to speak with you, as you expressed a wish to, but I must leave at dawn, at Mrs. Atherton’s orders, to go to my new position as a teacher at the Cumberland School for Girls in Kent. Because of this circumstance, I hope you will excuse me.
I very much wish to tell you that I was most grateful for your help when I was so very sick, for loaning your servants to care for me, and the many kindnesses you showed me. I also wanted to thank you for taking care of me when I was injured, for paying the surgeon, and for having my trunks sent here for me.
Forgive my impertinence, but allow me to tell you that I have long admired you as the best and most honorable man of my acquaintance. I tried to avoid you and even, for a while, tried to think badly of you, all because my cousin Phoebe fancied herself in love with you. I tried many times to check her from recklessly setting her heart on marrying you but without success. But that is no excuse for thinking ill of you or for hiding my own admiration for you. For, Mr. Langdon, I confess that I love you.
Julia chuckled a bit hysterically at what she was writing. She could never give such a letter to Mr. Langdon! It was impossible, ridiculous. But it felt oddly refreshing to put her true thoug
hts and feelings on paper. Therefore, she continued:
I love you, and my intense feelings for you first began, I believe, when you asked Sarah Peck to dance, rescuing her from sitting all alone that night so many months ago when no one else gave her the least notice. You were all grace and style and handsome vitality, but I didn’t want to believe you were anything but a flirtatious dandy. As I learned more about you, I found I couldn’t disdain you. Truly, you were kind and good and everything a Christian gentleman should be. You cared about the poor, and you helped orphans and those in dire circumstances. You showed courage, wisdom, and restraint, and you were not afraid to act on behalf of others. Even though I was helplessly in love with you, I continued to tell myself I wasn’t, that you and I were nothing more than friends. Phoebe begged me to help her make you love her, because otherwise she could never be happy, and I was foolish enough to say yes to what she asked. I couldn’t believe then that you could ever love me or want to marry someone in my situation.
As I am now a penniless governess, without family or connections, I know my love for you is even more hopeless. And so, I will be gone in the morning and must bid you adieu forever. I love you too well to wish you anything but happiness and the best that God can possibly afford you. May God be with you always.
Julia’s tears fell on the paper, as she signed, Your faithful friend and fellow spy, Julia Grey, at the bottom.
Foolish, silly letter. A sensible, proper young lady would never give a man such a letter. No, Julia must write him a practical letter, something that she could actually give to him when she left in the morning.
Julia took out another sheet of paper and began to write again:
Mr. Langdon,
Forgive me my impropriety in writing this personal letter to you, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that I was not able to speak with you, as you expressed a wish to, in the garden. I must leave at dawn, as Mrs. Atherton orders me to do, to go to my new position as a teacher at the Cumberland School for Girls in Kent. I hope you will excuse me.