Sliding away her phone, Kit allowed herself to think of Becca. Part of her would always mourn the loss of their friendship, and one day she might even find it in herself to visit Becca in the facility where she was being held, but she'd never be able to forgive the other woman for the terror she'd caused.
However, that was over and done with, and Kit didn't intend to allow it to further steal her time or emotional energy. She just wanted to treasure her true friends, and most of all, she wanted to be with Noah, to create a life with him. With that thought in mind, she pushed up her sleeves and decided to surprise him with a homemade dinner.
Noah felt good. He'd felt like shit this morning, but then Kit had told him she loved him even when he was a bad-tempered, surly rock star and his mood had started to lift. Part of him couldn't help but worry that she'd decide he was too much work--her affectionate scowl this morning had been just what the doctor ordered.
Then he'd gone to see the guys and finally fessed up about "Sparrow." He'd had a serious fucking case of nerves before he started to sing it for them, but all three had loved it. In Fox's eyes, he'd seen an understanding of the hidden meaning of the song, but there had also been a quiet pride.
Fox understood what it meant for him to release "Sparrow" into the world.
David and Abe, who didn't know about his childhood, had blown out their breaths almost in sync.
"Goddamn. That's powerful, man," Abe had said quietly, then added something Noah would've never expected the keyboard player to say. "It made me think of Tessie, like she's flying free just like that bird in the song."
Noah's heart had clenched in visceral pain. "Yeah." It was all he'd been able to say; he knew how deeply the death of Abe's baby sister had scarred Abe, and to think his song had given the keyboard player a measure of peace was a priceless gift.
David had just nodded and picked up his sticks to beat out a deep, gentle rhythm that fit the song. Fox had grabbed his guitar, and Abe, in whose house they'd been sitting, had taken the dust covers off the grand piano he hadn't touched since the day Tessie died.
They'd recorded it raw using Abe's equipment, and Noah had driven back home to leave the song for Kit before hooking up with David. Feeling pumped and as if he'd released all the toxic stuff that had built up inside him, he dumped his gym gear in the back of his car and thrust a hand through his shower-damp hair. "You and Thea want to swing by for dinner?" he asked David, who was parked right next to him.
"Nah, I have to go play trophy husband at a big dinner meeting Thea has with some too-stylish-for-you magazine people." David's grin belied his words.
"Watch that goofy fucking smile. You have an image to maintain," Noah said, but he was happy for his friend; David had been crazy about Thea forever.
Just like Noah had been about Kit.
David pointed a finger at him. "I don't have the bad-boy image. What are you going to do about that now you've shacked up with Kit?"
"Tell everyone to bite it." He had no intention of giving the media bad-boy fodder ever again--not unless it involved being caught making out with Kit in scandalous locations. That, he was definitely up for.
Laughing, David bumped fists with him, and they got into their cars to head off in opposite directions. Noah was listening to Esteban's latest LP when he stopped at a crosswalk to let an older couple get across.
He was tapping a beat on the steering wheel and smiling at the thought of going home to Kit when his eye was caught by the man and the golden-blond child who'd just stepped onto the crosswalk from the other side. The man was holding the boy's hand, the boy dragging his feet. It was a familiar scene that Noah had probably witnessed a thousand times over his lifetime, but today, it made nausea churn in his gut, his hands clamping tight on the steering wheel as a haze of red filmed his vision.
Unclipping his seat belt, he began to open the car door, convinced the child needed to be rescued... but then the man said something and the child's face lit up. Bouncing on his feet now, he spoke excitedly, and then the two were on the other side of the crosswalk and walking away.
Noah's heart still thumped, his throat dry.
It was only when an impatient horn sounded from behind him that he pulled his door shut and started driving again. He didn't know where he was going, but it wasn't home. He felt too fucked-up to go home. Ending up on a sea-facing outlook, he stared at the Pacific Ocean crashing to shore until gray turned to dark and all he could see were the headlights and fading taillights of cars along the Pacific Coast Highway.
Sweat pasted his T-shirt to his skin, his hands still clamped on the steering wheel. Finally peeling them off, he shoved open his door and got out. Nausea cramped his gut again without warning. Bending down instinctively, his hands on his knees, he threw up. There wasn't much in his stomach, just a bottle of the electrolyte-laden sports water David had given him.
After that, it was just harsh, dry retching that felt as if it went on forever. He was half aware of a phone ringing in the distance, but he couldn't focus on that, his entire concentration on getting his spasming muscles under control.
It seemed to take forever.
Grabbing a fresh bottle of water from the pack he had in the back, he rinsed out his mouth and threw some water on his face, then stood facing the warm wind until it had dried him off. His phone, when he checked it after getting back in the car, showed him Kit's name on multiple missed calls and text messages. She had to be worried since he should've been home hours ago.
Feeling like a shit, he sent her a text message: I'm fine. Don't wait up.
He switched off the phone after sending it so she couldn't call him. He couldn't talk to Kit right now. He felt filthy, dirty, ugly, just as he'd felt when he'd been a boy the same age as the boy he'd seen on the crosswalk. That wasn't what had set him off, however. No, he'd finally realized the reason for his insanity--the man's shirt.
It was the exact same shirt the bastard had worn the day it began.
He hadn't realized the pattern was burned into his memory, not until today.
After drinking the rest of the water, he threw the empty bottle on the passenger seat and started up the engine.
Once again, he didn't know where he was going; he just needed to drive. But when he ended up in the parking lot of a strip joint splattered with graffiti, the garish neon lights flashing on his windshield, it wasn't a surprise. This was where he fit, a place where no one would expect him to be a better man.
He had no right to someone like Kit, no right to touch her, hold her. He'd ruin her. Better he stay in the darkness.
Switching off his engine, he opened the car door.
Chapter 40
Kit had gone from worry to panic to fury in the space of the past few hours. When Noah didn't make it home by the time he should have, she'd figured he and David must've ended up hanging out. She hadn't started to really worry until he was an hour late. That's when she'd sent the first text message, to no response.
Feeling fear walk cold fingers up her spine, the memory of the incident with Becca yet fresh in her mind, she'd called David, discovered that Noah had left the gym long ago. She'd tried to be logical, to not panic as she called and messaged him, but had just started thinking she needed to check the hospitals when she received his response.
I'm fine. Don't wait up.
The cold arrogance of the message stunned her. Not about to take it lying down, she called back at once--to be told Noah's phone was either switched off or out of range. Kit had a very good idea which was true.
So angry she could barely think straight, she put on her running shoes and pounded out her anger on the pavement. Noah still wasn't back by the time she returned, and all the food had gone cold. Showering, she changed into shorts and a tank top, and making herself a plate, took it out into the garden.
The peace of it soothed her, and made every part of her hurt with stabbing pains. Because if Noah had hit a wall at some point today, then things could well be far worse than him just acting lik
e an asshole to her. She might wake to tabloid reports of him getting drunk or breaking up a place... or fucking some random woman.
Anger burned her throat.
Putting down her fork, she dropped her face in her hands and breathed deep.
"Kit."
Her shoulders grew stiff at that familiar male voice, her emotions caustic. Too furious to look at him, too afraid of what she might see, she forced herself to pick up her fork and eat a bite.
Noah slid onto the bench beside her, moving until his thigh and arm pressed against her own. She smelled sweat, as if he hadn't showered after the gym, but the rest of it was just Noah. No alcohol, no clinging tobacco smoke, no perfume.
"How mad are you?"
"Depends." She stared out into the garden. "What did you do?"
"I went to a seedy strip club and sat in the parking lot telling myself that was what I deserved. Not a home, not with you. Just a dirty place I couldn't ruin with my ugliness, with people who couldn't give two fucks about me."
His words made her hurt for him, but she was braced for a blow herself, waiting for him to tell her the rest. Because she'd hit her limit. She'd told him her line in the sand. If he'd crossed it, she wouldn't be able to forgive him. Not this time.
"I opened the car door to get out," Noah said, breaking her heart, "and then it hit me what a fucking idiot I was being. I was about to let what that bastard did destroy the best thing in my life. I was about to permanently damage my relationship with a woman who loves me even when I'm a surly, bad-tempered and moody son of a bitch. So I pulled the door shut and hauled ass home."
He put his hand on the back of her neck, and the touch was oddly tentative for Noah. "So, how long are you going to be mad?"
Relief was a roar of blood through her veins. Not pulling away from his touch because, even with anger lingering inside her, she knew he'd take that as a rejection, she said, "I'll let you know when I'm not mad anymore."
He groaned. "Open-ended? That's cold, Katie."
Dropping the fork onto her plate, she turned to face him, and then she did what she'd wanted to do since the instant he'd told her he'd shut the car door and come home. She wrapped her arms tight around him. "That's for coming home," she said as his own arms wrapped around her so hard she could barely breathe. "The mad is for making me worry and for thinking you couldn't come back to me just because the demons were awake."
He shuddered out a breath and then, without prompting, told her what had set him off. "Dumb, huh?"
"No. It just caught you by surprise." She glared at him. "What're you going to do the next time something hits you sideways?"
The answer was immediate and so sure she believed it. "Find you."
"Good." Pulling back, she looked up into his face. "We need a pool." She didn't want to wait six months, wanted Noah to know his place was right here. With her.
His eyes filled with that luminous, astonishing light, his smile delighted as he held her face in his hands and pressed his forehead to hers. "Infinity?"
Melted by that smile no one else in the world ever saw, she fisted her hand in his T-shirt. "I saw one with waterfalls that I like."
"We can get waterfalls." A tender kiss followed by a wicked one. "As long as you promise to wear string bikinis and stand under the water."
"It could be arranged."
Still smiling, he said, "I need to shower." He ran his hands down her arms. "I've made you sticky too."
"Want to shower together?"
His eyes widened, and she realized this too would be a brand-new experience for her debauched rock star.
"Yeah," he said with a slow smile. "Will you soap my back?"
"If you ask nicely."
Noah hadn't ever showered with a woman before. Watching Kit pin up her barely dry hair, her sleek body naked, he started to think he might just like this. Then she turned on the water and stepped in, shooting him a playful look over her shoulder, and he knew he liked this.
Stripping off his own clothes, he got in behind her and bent to kiss her neck, his hands on her hips. He knew she was still technically mad at him, and he deserved it, but she loved him too. Even when he fucked up, she still loved him.
He could always come home.
She wouldn't kick him out just because he was imperfect. The only thing he had to do was take care of her heart, a heart she'd entrusted to him. He could do that--crossing her line in the sand held absolutely no appeal when on this side stood his Kit who wanted to build a home with him.
"Hey," she said in mock reproof when he ran his hands up to cup her breasts. "I thought you wanted to shower?"
"I am showering," he said, feeling young for the first time in an eternity. "With a gorgeous woman I intend to lather up." He took her fluffy loofah from her, on which she'd squeezed some girly-smelling body wash, and began to run it over her body.
Leaning back into him, Kit let him do what he wanted, and what he wanted was to worship her. She smiled up at him, and for the first time in his life, a sexual situation was playful. He held the eye contact, kept returning to it, and he had fun. When she stole the loofah from him and tried to cover him in her perfumed body wash, he threatened her with all kinds of revenge.
Laughing, she swapped the loofah for the bar of plain soap he preferred and began to soap him up. He wasn't sure he'd like that part, but he did, because... well, because it was Kit. It was as simple as that.
Sinking into her, he pressed her to the wall and kissed her. She was still smiling and he tasted it as they kissed, as he ran his hand down her stomach to slide two fingers through the liquid-soft flesh between her thighs. He hadn't lied--he wasn't very good at the foreplay stuff, hadn't really ever done it before her, but he wanted to touch Kit, wanted to explore with her.
"Tell me what you like," he said, bracing his other arm above her head.
She shivered as his fingers brushed a particular spot. "Oh, that's good. Do that." There were more whispers after that, more smiles, more kisses.
At one point she gripped his wrist and said, "Noah, oh please don't move."
He didn't move. He just upped the pressure.
Back bowing, her breasts lifted up as if for his delectation, Kit came on a little scream. Noah's cock was pulsing, but he was kind of addicted to seeing Kit orgasm, so he decided to continue his education in foreplay by pressing one hand to her lower back and bending his head to her breasts.
He licked, he sucked, and after a while, Kit's gasped breathing turned even more ragged. "Can I touch you here again?" he asked, cupping her between her thighs. She'd pushed him away earlier, saying it was too sensitive.
A moan as he rubbed his stubbled jaw over her breasts. "After that orgasm, you can do whatever you like, Noah St. John."
Feeling like a damn god, he stroked his fingers deep into her, listened to her answers to his carnal questions, and had the reward of feeling her clench convulsively on his driving fingers as she came again with shocked suddenness.
Yeah, that was hot.
Drawing out his fingers from her possessive grasp, he lifted her up against the wall and entered her with his cock. He was hard as stone, and with Kit so honey slick and sated around him, he could've pounded her balls-deep and it would've been fine. But Noah found he had an unexpected patience today.
His balls might be turning blue, but damn, his cock liked being inside Kit.
It was a long, slow session full of romantic bullshit, and afterward, when they were drying off, Noah realized he'd made love to Kit. Not fucked her, not had sex. Made love. He'd always thought that was a dumb phrase, but not today. Today it felt exactly right.
Towel wrapped around her body and tucked over her breasts, Kit came over to him and, linking her hands with his, said, "We're going to be okay."
"Yeah," Noah said. "We are." He was still going to fuck up, but since he wasn't about to hurt Kit, wasn't about to give her up, the fuckups would be manageable. And if she kept smiling at him that way, as if he delighted her... Yeah, well, mayb
e he wouldn't fuck up that much after all. "I love you, Kit. I will always love you, and I will never mess this up."
It was a vow.
Epilogue
Twelve months later and Noah was in Kyoto, Japan, paying up on his wager. He'd even made it a point to learn about the red tape he'd have to clear to get the plant back home. But, though this was his forfeit, he wasn't alone on his walk to possible humiliation at the hands of a cantankerous gardener. His lover and best friend walked beside him as they went down the narrow and twisting street at the end of which lived a seventy-year-old man with the reputation of being a bad-tempered oni, or Japanese demon.
Dressed simply in skinny blue jeans, canvas sneakers, and a striped blue-and-white tee, her hair pulled back in a sleek ponytail and large sunglasses on her face, Kit nonetheless looked like a movie star. A very famous movie star whose work in Redemption was getting serious buzz even while the movie was still in postproduction.
"What?" she said, turning to him with a smile.
Lifting their linked hands, he kissed her knuckles. "Just admiring the most talented woman I know."
"Says the man who wrote the megahit song not only of the year but of the decade." She wore her delight for him on her sleeve, just as she admitted her love for him without hesitation when asked by the media.
In claiming him so unabashedly, in making it clear she was proud to have Noah St. John as her man, she'd healed things inside him that had been broken so long he'd thought they'd stay that way forever.
"Yeah, that little sparrow's doing well." It was a song that still made him hurt, but alongside the pain, he felt a quiet pride--in a way, in setting "Sparrow" free, he'd set himself free too. "There, isn't that the right place?"
They looked carefully at the kanji the hotel concierge had written out for them, compared the characters against those on the gate. Taking a deep breath when they proved identical, Noah raised his hand to knock.
Three hours later and Kit had never laughed so hard in her life. The little old gardener had turned out to be a fan--not of her, of Noah and Schoolboy Choir. Over the moon that Kit wanted one of his plants, he'd invited them to stay for dinner with him and his utterly sweet wife. After which he'd offered Noah not sake, but an alcohol so potent it smelled like paint thinner to Kit.