“Aurora?” Jentry’s voice was soft, hesitant.
I knew in that one word that he knew there was more to this than me simply forgetting about some boxes, but I didn’t want to get into this with him. Not now. Not when he’d just gotten back and there was already so much else going on.
Before he could say anything else, I forced out a dry laugh and started walking out of the room with my box, refusing to meet his confused stare. “I’ll, uh, I’ll fix your room up today after work.”
I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I walked as fast as I could to Declan’s and my bedroom, and choked out a sob when I dropped the box in the back corner of the closet floor—where the boxes had been for months, and where there were still indentations on the carpet from them.
Pressing one hand to my mouth and the other to my burning chest, I willed a mixture of angry and pained tears away as I thought about Linda’s hateful words and actions. Maybe if this had all started long ago, it would be easier to deal with. Or at the very least, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Because then I wouldn’t be reminded of why she was doing or saying the things she was, and I wouldn’t remember that I couldn’t even fault her for it . . .
I jumped when I heard my name and turned to see Jentry standing there with two boxes in his hands.
His dark eyes studied my face for a few moments before finally asking, “Where do you want these?”
All I wanted was to drop my head, but I knew he’d already seen too much and that would just make it worse. Instead, I forced a look of indifference on my face and pointed to where the other box sat. “Just put them next to it. The other two will go on top.”
He quickly set the boxes down, and as he stepped away from the far corner toward me, his gaze lingered on the boxes—his brow pulled tight as he studied them.
I knew he had seen the indentations on the carpet, and was seeing how perfectly those three boxes fit in that space, as if the other things on the closet floor had been molded around them.
His eyes were full of confusion and frustration when he looked at me again. “What’s going on?” When I just shook my head and backed up to get out of the closet, his voice dropped and his tone got harder. “Aurora.”
“I’m just going to get another—”
“Not that. What is going on with the boxes and the room? Why do you look like you’re about to cry?”
“I’m not,” I said quickly, and fumbled for something to say as I continued through my bedroom with him behind me. Because what was there to say? My things were gone, but I didn’t actually have proof it was Linda. “No, I just . . . I’m just embarrassed that you had to sleep in that room.”
Jentry wasn’t convinced. Worry and disappointment mixed with the confusion in his eyes. “I’ve slept on dirt. But you—”
“I’m fine,” I tried to assure him. “I’m fine. I just need to finish this so I can leave for work.”
He grasped my arm and turned me around, but I backed away from him as though he’d burned me. His mouth had been open to say something, but closed slowly as his dejected eyes studied my arm. After a moment they faded to indifference. “I’ll take care of it. Go to work.”
“Are—” I cut off when there was a knock at the door, then glanced over to the kitchen to see what time it was before going to answer it. My steps faltered when a key sounded in the lock and the door opened, and my stomach dropped when I heard an all-too-familiar voice mumbling nonsense.
Linda’s eyes skipped right over me until she found Jentry, and her excited smile fell. “Oh! Well, looks like you lost something, son,” Linda said disapprovingly. “We’re gonna have to find a shirt for you to put on. Help me with these, will you?” She stepped into the entryway, then turned to pick up a bunch of large, reusable bags at her feet.
I stopped breathing and prayed that she wasn’t about to do what I thought she was.
“Now let’s—oh, good morning, Rorie.”
I planted a smile on my face and forced myself to close the distance between us. “Good morning. What’s all—”
“I have some dishes in the car. If you would be a dear and go get those, it would be such a help.”
“Of course,” I mumbled, and clenched my hands into fists as I passed her and caught a glimpse of curtains in one of the bags. Curtains that looked eerily similar to ones I’d had hanging in the guest room.
By the time I got back in the apartment with Linda’s homemade breakfasts, I could hear Jentry and Linda talking in the guest room, and walked slowly in that direction. My scowl deepened as I did and Linda’s rambling continued.
“. . . last night, but no one was here. So I thought I would leave your things in the room, only to find that the room was practically bare save for some junk. I just couldn’t stand to think of this room looking so miserable—not after everything Rorie’s done to get this apartment to look so . . . so unique!”
Jentry didn’t respond to her. And though his eyes found me as soon as I turned the corner into the room, I couldn’t tear my eyes from Linda and the bags. Anger built and flowed faster and faster through me until my entire body was shaking as I watched her pull out item after item that had been in the room already. As if he wouldn’t think it was odd that they weren’t in packages. As if he wouldn’t wonder why they didn’t have tags.
“Where’d you get all this?” Jentry asked Linda, his voice dark and low as he continued to study my every breath.
“Well, I’d bought it when I redecorated your old room, but it just didn’t look right in there.”
Of course she had an answer ready for that. I wasn’t able to hold back the scoff, and tried to disguise it as clearing my throat instead when Linda turned to look at me. “Wow, Linda, what is this?” I asked a little too brightly.
“All this? I just thought I’d help you out since Jentry came home so suddenly. Do you love it?”
I raised my eyebrows, unable to respond to that question without lashing out at her. “Ah. Um, the food is in the kitchen.”
“Oh yes!” Linda flashed an adoring smile at Jentry before going back to my décor. “Go eat before all my cookin’ gets cold. Let us girls have some time to decorate.”
Jentry didn’t move. He was now staring at a spot on the wall above the window with a curious look.
I went to follow his line of sight, but his eyes slowly drifted to the adjacent wall and stopped again for long seconds before sliding to the décor piled on the mattress. His brow was furrowed, like he was looking for something, and suddenly he took a few steps toward the bed and just stared. If I didn’t know any better, I would just think he was looking at everything with an absurd amount of interest. But I did. I knew nothing got past Jentry. Ever.
He was a sniper. He took in and studied his surroundings. And he was studying this room and the decorations.
“Well, now, get,” Linda ordered, and swatted at him with a pillowcase.
A muscle in Jentry’s jaw popped when he turned around. His dark, knowing eyes held mine as he approached me. There was a question hidden in the frustration there, but I stood still and tried to ignore the excruciatingly fast pounding of my heart the closer he got.
My eyes widened when he stepped close enough that his body brushed against mine, though he could have easily slipped out of the door without touching me, and I sucked in a soft gasp when the tips of his fingers teased high up on my waist.
“We’re talking later.” His voice was soft enough that Linda wouldn’t hear him, but his tone left no room for questioning.
No sooner had Jentry started making noise in the kitchen than Linda tsked at me. “Is that the way you dress when there’s company over?”
I looked down at my outfit, then up at the back of her head as she made the bed. I didn’t move to help her. “I didn’t know you were coming over.” I also didn’t know what was wrong with what I was wearing. It was nicer than what she’d seen me in the day before.
“I meant my other son,” she snapped.
Again, I looked
at what I was wearing, and tried to think about what Linda was seeing. The jeans were dark and torn, but had been made that way and were expensive. The top was loose-fitting and was probably too nice to wear for a kindergarten teacher. But school didn’t start until next week and we only had meetings today. Besides, I was behind on laundry, so it was really all I had. “Um, I—”
“Just because you look like a boy doesn’t mean you should dress like a prostitute to prove you aren’t one—especially in front of my sons. If I’m going to allow Jentry to stay here then you better cover yourself up.”
I ground my jaw, but refused to respond to her insults. Instead, I bent to pick the curtains up off the floor. I tried to make my tone thoughtful though I spoke through gritted teeth as I examined them. “These are nice. Exactly what I would’ve picked.”
Linda glanced over at me from where she was putting pillows on the bed, and smiled sweetly with a tilt of her head. “Don’t sass me, Rorie. It’s not flattering; you just look stupid.”
I held the curtains up and stepped close to her. “I bought these.”
“Whatever do you mean?” she asked innocently, and gestured to the door. “As Jentry heard, I’d bought all this for my guest room but it just didn’t fit. I brought it as a favor to you since you can’t get it together.” She straightened her back and tilted her head up in an attempt to stare me down as she spoke her next words, the warning in them was clear. “Despite this living arrangement you have now where you still get to stay here, it will not last. None of this will. Soon you will be gone, and I will only be too happy to pack your things and send you on your way. But for now, you will make yourself scarce and give me time with my boys. After everything you’ve tried to ruin, it’s the least you could do. You do not belong in this family, so get used to being gone by being gone. Finish the room.”
I didn’t say a word as she walked past me and out the room. I stood still and straight with my jaw locked tight and eyes burning as I held back tears.
When her sweet drawl filled the front of the apartment, I broke. I hurried from the room and avoided their eyes as I collected my purse and left the apartment.
I didn’t get more than five feet from the door before I crumbled.
I stumbled to the side and started falling; my hand shot out to the wall to help me slide down to the ground. My chest heaved with a muted sob and my head dropped to hang between my knees. My fingers gripped at my head as if I could force Linda’s cruel words from my mind.
That hadn’t been the worst, not by far. But after nearly a year of trying to prove myself to that woman, and after weeks of insult on top of insult from her, I was bound to break. I’d tried to be strong. For Declan, for me . . . I’d tried. Finding inner strength when you’ve come to hate yourself proves to be impossible.
I moved numbly as I pulled my phone from my pocket and tapped on the screen, but I paused before I tapped on declan.
My finger hovered over the contact for long seconds as I stared at his name, before I dropped my phone into my purse and let out a heavy breath.
There was no point in calling. He wouldn’t answer my call . . . he never did anymore. I wouldn’t know what to say the day he finally did. Because he was lost and I was weak, and I hated myself for more things than he would ever know.
9
Present Day
Aurora
“We need to talk.”
Jentry’s sudden appearance in my closet that evening should have scared me considering he hadn’t been in the apartment when I’d come home, and I hadn’t heard the front door open or shut, but it hadn’t.
I’d felt him long before I heard him.
As odd as that was, I had felt him. My entire body had come alive, making it feel as though I were lying in the coolest of flames for long, confusing seconds before he’d spoken.
Hot and cold. Hard and soft. All Jentry—always Jentry.
I refused to think about how often Declan scared me just by rounding a corner or entering a room when I wasn’t expecting him. And for Declan’s sake, I wanted to ignore the pulling I felt deep within me. The reaching for the man behind me.
What an impossibility.
I finished pulling on my shirt and pretended not to notice the way my skin covered in goose bumps, knowing his eyes were on me. “I’m leaving to go hang out with Declan.”
“We can talk here or there. Your choice.”
I paused from slipping into my sandals. I hadn’t known Jentry had planned on coming. I hadn’t known when I would see him again at all. “I thought you were gone.”
“I went to help out my dad at work. They’ve gotten behind on some things in the office and on one of the locations.”
I finally turned to look at him, and my chest filled with air I hadn’t known I’d needed just seeing him standing there: arms folded over his chest as he leaned against the door frame like he was completely at ease even though his expression showed he was anything but. “No. I thought you were gone.”
I’d come home to find the guest room set up almost exactly how I’d had it before Linda had taken and brought back everything, and all traces of Jentry had been removed.
His eyebrows lifted slowly. “Why would you think that?”
“Your bag was gone.”
He uncrossed one of his arms to gesture to the wall behind me. “Mom said your washing machine was broken. I took my stuff to their house this morning to wash my clothes since I already had to go there to pick up my car.”
I let out a huff but wondered why what he said surprised me. Before I could tell him that the washer and dryer were working just fine the last time I had used them, Jentry’s confusion transformed to frustration.
“You really think I would just leave you?” His voice was soft, but the dark tone spoke volumes.
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s what you do.”
“Leave? You think that’s what I do?” He laughed edgily and rubbed at his jaw. “I had a fucking job, Aurora.”
Tears burned my eyes, and I hated that they were there for this man when there were so many other things to cry for right now. I hated that he could see my pain for him at all. “Yes, you had a job. You still left. You left me after that night even though you knew you had already wrecked my heart. Then you left me to deal with the devastation of seeing you after that weekend. And when I needed you the most during these last weeks, you weren’t there!”
“I couldn’t leave, Aurora! I couldn’t fucking leave without risking being arrested for it!”
His admission made me pause for a second before I was able to continue. “That doesn’t matter. You still could’ve been there without physically being here!”
Jentry pushed from the wall and stepped closer. The intensity that rolled off him as he approached me made it feel as though he were already gripping me though there were still feet between us. “I smashed my goddamn phone after that call from you—the only call I’ve ever gotten from you. Your number was obviously gone when I got a new phone, and I didn’t hear from you after that. I had no way to get a hold of you.”
“Why would I have contacted you after that? I thought for sure you hated me like everyone else did, and when I didn’t hear from you again for nearly three weeks, it kind of confirmed it!”
His brow pinched. “Hate you? Why would— This wasn’t your fault.”
A short laugh burst from my chest, but it sounded more like a cry. He had no idea just how much it had been. “If I had just—”
“Don’t,” he said suddenly. “You can’t think like that.”
He reached for me, but I shot my hand out in a silent plea for him not to. I was already shaking from keeping myself from him. I didn’t want to think about what I would do if he touched me now.
The past was standing right in front of me, begging to be seen. As if I had ever stopped seeing him. As if I had ever pulled myself from the embers of that night. That night was a dance of flames that had no ending, only respites. One touch from him and those embers would roar
to life again, burning hotter and higher.
I wanted it.
I couldn’t allow it. Not now, not with everything going on.
I dropped my head and took quick steps to leave the closet, but Jentry’s arm shot out to stop me, his hand curled against my waist possessively.
“Aurora—”
“Don’t. Please don’t.”
He ignored me and pulled me against him so my side was pressed to his chest. My body trembled as those flames got higher. But with the flames that guilt grew and grew, threatening to cripple me.
“You hurt, I hurt,” he reminded me. “And, Aurora, seeing you like this and not being able to fix it is killing me. I’m sorry for what happened. I’m so damn sorry, and I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” Each word was laced with pain, echoing the aches in my heart and my soul. “But you are out of your mind if you think it was easy for me not being here. I have regretted letting you go, every minute of every fucking day. If I could do that first night all over again I would, and I would’ve been there for you. I would have been here.”
The tears that had filled my eyes finally slipped free at his words and the memory of that night. “But you did let me go, and no matter how much we beg time to reverse, it won’t.”
His body deflated against mine as regret leaked from him. “No, it won’t. But I’m here now. I’m here, and we’re going to get through this.”
So much indecision and confusion wove through me. Wants and needs at war with one another as they had already been for an agonizing amount of time.
My heart had bled out through each battle until I’d made a life-changing decision, a decision that Declan and I didn’t speak of, and one that Jentry still didn’t know. Now any move I could make from here on out would be the wrong one. I was sitting in a minefield, waiting.
Just waiting.
“I tried to forget that night,” I whispered before I could stop myself. “I tried to forget you, but somehow you embedded yourself so deeply into my soul in just one night, that forgetting you—forgetting that night—was impossible. I don’t need a lifetime with you to know that no one and nothing will ever compare to what’s between us. But it’s too late for anything involving us even if it’s just us getting through this, because that night and you are now some of my biggest regrets.”