“It’s all right, Milly. I’ve cried too, and I know I’m going to cry again.”
“So it’s really all set?” she sobbed. “We’re really going to go?”
“Yes, dear. We leave next week.”
Milly cried against her mother’s shoulder, feeling like her heart would break. Clayton didn’t feel any better himself, but his father was saying something and he tried to attend.
“Clay, did you hear me?”
“No, I’m sorry, Dad, I didn’t.”
“You can go to school, son.”
Clay nodded, but there was no joy in it.
“You don’t understand,” Kevin went on. “Your grandmother checked it out. You can start as soon as you arrive. Attendance was down this year, and they’ll take anyone they can get. Or if you’d rather wait until the term break, you can start in January.”
Clayton blinked at his father. That was good news, but not at the expense of this family.
“You’re schooling is a factor, Clay, but it’s not the only reason. Can you see that?”
“I’m trying, Dad, but it’s just not working. I think the main reason you’re doing this is because I went back to work.”
“Exactly!” Kevin said triumphantly.
Clayton could only shake his head. “But you just said—”
“I just said the schooling is not the reason, but your supporting this family is.”
Clayton only looked at him.
“Clay,” Kevin said patiently. “If I had died, then I would expect you to stay here and take care of Milly and your mother, but I’m not dead. I’m not even an invalid. I can work. I can’t do the work I’ve always done, but I can make a living, and that’s what I’m going to do.” He paused for a moment, a strange light coming into his eyes. “You know, Clay, I nearly forgot that your nineteenth birthday is three weeks away. You can do what you wish, but Milly, your mother, and I are moving to Denver. If you want to join us, you’re more than welcome.”
Clayton had to smile at this new tactic. He now understood. Kevin smiled in return.
“What day do we go?”
“Next Friday, the sixteenth.”
“All right,” Clay told him. He looked to Milly. She was still visibly shaken but holding on. Kevin asked everyone to pray with him, and they all bowed their heads.
“This is no mistake,” he told his heavenly Father. “We’re all going to hurt, Lord, but You are here with us, and we know this is all a part of Your plan. Thank You for Your sovereignty and loving hand. Help us to trust you when we are tempted to fret. Surround us, especially Clay and Milly, with your grace. Make our peace greater than our pain, so that our lives may glorify You as never before.”
God touched Clayton’s and Milly’s hearts in a special way during their father’s prayer. They knew that they would hurt, but the move was for the best. Milly was able to hug and kiss her parents good-night with a genuine smile on her face.
Clayton, equally serene, went off to bed with plans running through his mind. They would have to work hard to be able to move in a week, but the snow would not allow them any more time. The temperatures were already dropping fast. Clayton was nearly asleep when he remembered Jackie. He would have to seek her out in the morning and tell her himself. Somehow he knew she would be hurt if she found out secondhand. He told himself he’d take care of it right after breakfast in the morning. She was heavy on his heart until he fell asleep.
21
Clayton was at the Fontaine home early the next day, but still he missed Jackie. Addy told him that she’d gone very early with her father to the store. He briefly explained why he needed to see her and was surprised when Addy ordered Danny to go with Clayton and take Jackie’s place at the store.
“It won’t take that long to tell her, Mrs. Fontaine,” Clayton said when Danny went for her coat.
Addy stared at him. Why were men so stupid at times?
“Well,” she said, “I think she might be sad, and Danny could help out until she feels like working.”
Clayton shrugged and waited for Danny to come. He was completely unaware of the way Addy scribbled a quick note for Danny to put in her pocket and give to her father. She saw both Danny and Clayton out the front door and then bundled into her coat. The other girls would be leaving for the store in about an hour, and right now she had to talk to Elaine.
“Hello,” Clayton greeted Jackie as soon as he found her upstairs in the kitchen. The cleaning of Uncle Mitch’s apartments had been put off way too long, and now Morgan wanted it done. He’d taken Jackie with him early to see to it.
“Well, now.” Jackie smiled at the sight of him. His face was red from the cold, and he was so handsome in his heavy leather coat that her heart ached. “You’re certainly out early today to pester people.”
Clayton smiled in return and did some admiring of his own. Jackie’s face was flushed and just a little dusty, and he thought she looked like an adorable street urchin.
“Yes, I am. I’ve come to tell you something.”
“Good news?”
“Yes.”
“What is it?”
“I’m going to Denver.”
“Denver?” Her face held a puzzled expression for several seconds and then brightened. “Oh, Clayton, you’re going to school! That’s wonderful!” Jackie nearly hugged him but caught herself in time. She felt flustered by her own thoughts and shuffled the dust rag in her grasp from one hand to the other.
“Your dream, Clayton,” she finally managed. “You get to realize your dream.”
Clayton nodded. It was still not real to him, but he was very pleased at her genuine response.
“When do you go?” she asked suddenly.
“Next week.”
Some of Jackie’s elation left her. Next week. But of course, she realized, it would have to be soon, or the snow would hold him up. She opened her mouth to ask something else, but Clayton continued.
“There’s more, Jackie. My father’s been offered a job in Denver, so we’re all going.”
This time she took a moment to respond. “You’re all going?” Jackie’s voice was uncertain. Clayton liked to tease her, and she didn’t want to be caught out.
“Yes. My grandmother still owns and operates a mill in Denver, and Dad will be taking an office job. It’ll be hard to leave George-town—he loves it here—but we all feel a peace about this.”
“Sure,” Jackie said and wondered how normal her voice sounded. “I’m glad he’s doing so much better. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to come as often, but it’s hard with school.”
“Oh, Jackie, don’t apologize,” Clayton swiftly told her, his voice sincere. “You’ve done more than enough, and we’ll always be grateful.”
Jackie nodded. “Well, if there’s anything else I can do, let me know.”
“Thank you, Jackie. I’ll let you get back to work now.”
“Sure, Clay. I’ll see you later.”
He was gone in the next instant, taking the stairs in an easy stride. He probably hadn’t needed to rush and tell her; after all, she took it very well. But he was glad he had. He suddenly shook his head. What had he expected? Screaming hysterics? It’s not as if they were engaged to be married and the separation would upset their whole world.
Clayton was amused by his own worry and then realized he had to get home. There was plenty to do. He stopped for a moment to tell Morgan and Danny of their plans and then went swiftly on his way.
When he left, Danny turned to her father with tears in her eyes. Morgan looked at her with compassion. He’d asked his daughters many times to move from their friends, but never had Danny had a friend move from her. Addy was going to be equally upset about Elaine.
“Oh, no!” Danny suddenly exclaimed. “He’s already told Jackie.”
“Is that bad?”
“Oh, Father,” Danny’s voice was hurt. “She’s in love with him.”
Morgan’s mouth opened in surprise, and then he asked himself why no one ever
told him anything.
“You’d better go and check on her, Dan. Tell her that if she wants to go home, she can.”
Danny went without another word and was surprised to find Jackie working. Her back was to the door as she knelt on the kitchen floor, scrubbing it with all her might.
“Jackie?” Danny called and came forward, but the arm motion didn’t stop. Danny moved so she could see her sister’s face. “Please stop, Jackie, and talk to me.”
Jackie sat back on her heels and stared straight ahead. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Well, Father said that if you’d rather go home, you could do that.”
Jackie shook her head, her eyes on the counter she had just scrubbed. “I think I’d rather work.”
“Oh, Jackie.” Danny started to say more, but the older girl shook her head.
“He doesn’t have any idea, Danny. In fact, he’s very excited about leaving. He gets to go to school now, and he’s naturally pleased about that.” Jackie finally looked at Danny. “I’m sorry that Milly’s leaving. I know you’ll miss her. Mother will miss Mrs. Taggart too.”
“But what about you, Jackie?” Danny persisted.
The older girl shrugged. “I didn’t think I would survive when Eddie left, but I did. I’ll survive again.” She went back to the floor. Danny wanted to burst into tears. She had never seen her sister give up so quickly.
I have to believe that she’ll be all right, Danny said to herself as she returned downstairs. She believes that she will be, and I must believe it too.
But it was not to be. The news had come on Saturday, and by Wednesday Jackie was so drawn and pale that several customers asked Morgan if she was coming down with something. She and Danny had needed to keep busy, and so they worked at the store every day, but both were depressed.
Jackie almost invariably waited on Clayton when he came into the store, but on this occasion she was busy with two other customers. In fact, she didn’t even see him. Danny went to the other side of the counter to see to his needs, but for a moment she could see only his profile as he stared at Jackie. Danny waited patiently until he turned.
“Did you need something, Tag?”
“Danny.” His face and voice were serious. “Is Jackie ill?”
Danny frowned, and anger, anger she suddenly realized had been simmering in her since Saturday, came to the surface. She did nothing to hide this emotion.
“How thick can one man be, Clayton?”
Clayton was so surprised that he blinked.
“Have I done something, Danny?” His face was so vulnerable that Danny’s ire broke and so did her heart.
“Oh, Clayton,” she sighed. “You know better than anyone how hard it is for her to make friends. First Eddie goes and now you. How do you think she should be feeling?” Tears had come to Danny’s eyes, and she dashed them away with an embarrassed move.
“But I thought she and Paddy—” Danny’s mouth came open, and Clayton let the sentence hang.
“Paddy O’Brien?” Danny’s voice came out in an incredulous squeak.
“Well, yes. I thought maybe they were—” The look of shock in Danny’s eyes brought him to an uncomfortable halt.
Danny felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. She looked down at her hands and then back at her customer, her voice suddenly tired. “What can I get for you, Clayton?”
“Lexa, dear,” old Mrs. Greeley suddenly spoke in a loud voice from Clayton’s side, “can you help me?”
“Go ahead,” Clayton urged her in a low voice. “I’ll look around.”
“Lexa, can you help me?”
“Yes, Mrs. Greeley, and I’m Danny.”
“Oh, thank you, dear.” She was deaf as a post. “Now, Lexa, I need some thread. Blue. Not too dark and not too light.”
Danny sighed but then thought it might be for the best. Maybe Jackie could help Clayton, and he would say something kind to her. But it didn’t work out that way. Danny glanced up at one point to see her father attending to him. Clayton’s gaze was still on Jackie, but she didn’t notice. Mrs. Greeley was shouting again in order to hear her own voice, and when Danny looked one last time, Clayton was gone.
Addy watched Jackie pick at her food that evening and begged God for wisdom. Mother and daughter had prayed together every night over the Taggarts’ departure, but Jackie acted like she was in mourning. In a way she was. Addy was much the same way when she was upset. She lost all interest in food or coffee. Addy was old enough to know she had to eat, but right now, Jackie simply didn’t care. Addy worried she would come down sick before she felt up to eating again. She had tried to discuss it with Morgan, but his answer had been to order Jackie to eat and to punish her if she didn’t. Addy wished she’d kept the concern to herself.
It was a surprise to everyone when Clayton came to the house that night. They were all aware of how hard the Taggarts were working to get ready to go, but Morgan had a rare moment of insight when he let Clayton in the front door.
“I’d like to talk to Jackie,” Clay told him. “Is she around?”
“Sure, Clay. Go right into the living room. I’ll send her in.”
Morgan went back to the family still gathered in the kitchen.
“Clay is here to see you, Jack. He’s in the living room.”
“Oh,” was the only reply he received, and for a moment he wondered if Danny had known what she was talking about. Sammy began to slip past him to see Clayton as well, but he caught the back of her dress.
“Not tonight, Sam. Let Jack go on her own.”
Morgan was rewarded by Addy’s loving smile of approval. That smile did things to his heart. Danny had known what she was talking about. Morgan decided then and there to ask Addy about it when they were alone; after that he would kiss her until they were both breathless.
“Hello, Clay,” Jackie spoke as she came into the room. Clayton came to his feet.
“Hi, Jackie. I hope I didn’t take you from anything.” He tried not to look at how thin she had become, but it was impossible; her dress was beginning to hang on her frame.
“No.” Jackie smiled, her voice sounding normal. “Just the dishes, and I won’t miss those.”
She sat on one of the chairs, and he sat across from her. To Jackie’s surprise, an uncomfortable silence fell. If she hadn’t known better, she would have said Clayton was nervous.
“Are you all packed?” Jackie rescued him.
“Almost. Tomorrow should be a pretty easy day, but then we have lots of goodbyes to make.”
“I’ll bet you do. Be sure and tell us all goodbye tonight, and then you can scratch us off the list.”
Clayton stared at her. Why had he never noticed how few demands she made on him? It wasn’t that way at first. At first she had had all sorts of expectations, and he hadn’t caught half of them, but in the past year she never made him feel bad about leaving or pressured him to do anything for her. He thought of her as another sister, but she was far less demanding than Milly, who was a wonderful sister in her own right.
“I’ll write to you,” he suddenly said, and watched a grimace of pain cross her face.
“Oh, Clay, don’t say that,” she said softly.
“Why not? It’s true.”
Jackie shook her head. “It never quite works that way.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
She sighed softly. Jackie usually had a hard time sharing her feelings for fear of rejection, but Clayton was leaving and suddenly she didn’t care what he thought. She was going to be honest even if it hurt him a little.
“It’s nothing intentional, Clay, but when a person goes away he sets up a new life for himself. Eddie hasn’t written anywhere near what she’d promised, but I understand. She has her life there in Boulder, and she’s busy with that. I’m sure it’s much more healthy than constantly trying to live in the past.”
“I’m going to write to you,” he stated emphatically, but Jackie didn’t comment. Clayton let the silence hang
between them for a moment. She wasn’t even looking at him. How had he been so blind to her feelings and need for friendship?
“Jackie.” He waited until she looked up and then asked plainly, “Will you write back to me if I write to you?”
Jackie let herself really look at him now, telling herself it might be the last time. She knew her heart would always melt at the sight of him, but she had to say what was on her mind.
“I honestly don’t think you will, Clay, at least not over once or twice, but I’ll answer every letter you send me.”
Clay nodded. “It’s a deal then.”
Jackie actually managed a smile, but her heart knew the truth.
Clayton didn’t say his goodbyes that night but came by briefly the next day with his mother and Milly. There were tears on nearly everyone’s part, but Jackie was dry-eyed. Why this stuck out to Clayton more than anything else, he didn’t know. But even when the stage pulled out of Georgetown the next day, his father made as comfortable as possible for the long trip, the look in Jackie’s eyes still haunted him.
22
The mails were in their usual winter holdup, but surprisingly enough, Jackie received three letters on the same day. One was from Eddie and two were from Clayton, who had been gone a month. She told herself not to get her hopes up. He was writing only because he said he would, but it would be no different than Eddie. The snow did slow things up, but this was Eddie’s first letter to her in weeks.
Jackie opted to open the letter from her sister first. She was very cheered by the words inside, but felt sad when Eddie once again confided to Jackie that she wished to be pregnant.
“You hear of women who go childless, Jackie,” she wrote, “but you never dream it will happen to you. I know Robert loves me as I am, and even laughs and hugs me if I mention my infertile state, but I so want us to have a child. I’ve never wrestled with anything as much as this. I have even been angry at God. Please pray for me concerning my heart’s attitude.”