Jackie sat back now, her face a mask of shock.
“It bothered me so much when you said you’d just always been a Christian. I had never heard anyone say that before, and it concerned me. You’ve gone to church all your life and told yourself you’re a good person, just like your father has, but you haven’t a clue.”
All color had drained from Jackie’s face, and her chest rose and fell with her quickened breaths. Thoughts raced through her mind. How can he say this to me? I am a good person. No one is perfect, but surely God wouldn’t—
For the first time Jackie couldn’t finish the sentence. She’d certainly known, but for the first time she accepted the truth that God would deny her a heavenly home if she continued on as she’d been. Not because He wanted to, but because His holiness was so great, and as her mother always said, it’s God’s way or no way. So far she’d lived life all her way, and she had nothing but misery to show for it.
“I’ll go now,” Clayton was saying, but Jackie barely heard him. “Maybe you’d better have Robert get in touch if you want me to come back and teach.”
Jackie couldn’t say a word. She turned her head away from his footsteps on the floor and flinched as the huge front door shut. It sounded like a death knell in her ears.
The blackness that surrounded her—not the one that so terrified her when she first woke up and learned the truth about her eyesight, but the one that had been there all along—now crowded in again. She was going to hell, and somehow she knew that the day-to-day blackness she experienced would be nothing compared to the eternal darkness awaiting her.
Her mind raced as a new kind of terror embraced her. Her heart begged God not to let it be too late, but every verse she’d ever heard concerning eternity and salvation had slipped from her mind. John 3:16,17. What were they? And Ephesians 2:8. She was certain that there was another one, but how did they begin? She couldn’t find a word.
Steps sounded in the hallway.
“Eddie?” she cried. “Clayton? Eddie? Is that you?”
“No, Miss Jackie, it’s Lena.” She came into the room and saw Jackie’s tear-streaked face. “What did you need, dear?”
“Oh, Lena,” she cried, on the verge of hysterics. “What is John 3:16? I can’t remember. Please help me.”
“‘For God so loved the world,’” she began calmly, and took Jackie’s hand as she joined her on the settee.
“‘That he gave his only begotten Son,’” Jackie picked it up. “ ‘ That whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.’”
“That’s it, love.”
“But Lena.” Jackie’s voice was still desperate. “What do I do? How can I believe?”
“It is not hard, Miss Jackie. Belief is to humble your heart and tell God what a lost sinner you are. Then you tell Him that you accept the salvation offered to you because of the cross. Some say to invite Jesus into your heart, but the words are not so important as the belief.
“Raymond and I believed at the same time, Miss Jackie, and all Raymond said was ‘I have come to You, Lord Jesus, and lay my sin at Your feet. Please make me Yours forever.’ And that was it.”
“Oh, Lena,” Jackie sobbed. “What if it doesn’t work? I’ve been fighting for so long.”
“No, no,” her voice was tender and sure. “Nothing touches God’s heart like true repentance, Miss Jackie. Confess and believe.”
Jackie was trembling all over, but with excitement rather than fear.
“Would you like to do this now, Miss Jackie?” Lena asked with bold compassion. “Would you like me to help you pray?”
“Yes, Lena, please. I have so much to say to God. Do you think He’ll really listen?”
“Oh yes, my dear. Just open your heart.”
Jackie’s breath came a little hard, but she began to pray.
“Lord God in heaven, I’ve always let my pride rule me. I didn’t ever want to disagree with my father, and I was so certain he was good enough. Me too.” She had to pause to catch her breath. “I’ve sinned against You, God. I’ve been headstrong and hated You for my blindness.”
Jackie was overcome then, but Lena sat silently nearby. Realizing just how blind she had been was an earth-shattering experience for her. She had walked with perfect vision and a black heart.
“I can’t go on alone anymore,” she now whispered to the Lord. “Please take me as you did Raymond and Lena. Take all of me and let me into Your sight.”
Arms came around her a moment before she smelled Eddie’s perfume. The three women clung to each other and cried.
“He told me, Eddie. I could tell he was sad and upset, but Clayton told me he thought I was going to hell. It hurt so much, Eddie, but I had to know.”
“I know, Jackie; I know. You’ve taken care of it now.”
“You heard?”
“Yes. I didn’t want to interrupt, but I was near the door.”
“I tried to do it on my own, Eddie.” Jackie grew very serious. “Just like Father, and for a while I thought I was succeeding. Clayton was so serious about it in his letters, and I wanted to be like him. I was kind and did things for others, but I was still empty inside. Most of the time I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it.”
Eddie smoothed the hair from her face and laughed softly. “You have grass all over your hair and dress.”
“Oh. I fell outside before my lesson. Lena?” Jackie asked suddenly.
“Yes, dear?”
“Thank you,” Jackie said simply.
Lena hugged her close and blubbered all over both of them. A few moments passed before Lena grew flustered by her own show of emotions. She jumped up and declared that the two sisters must be starving. She hurried off to fix lunch.
“Clay left,” Jackie said softly.
“He must have wanted to give you some time.”
“And take some for himself,” Jackie added.
Eddie suddenly kissed Jackie’s cheek. The younger girl put a hand on that spot.
“What was that for?”
“For thinking of Tag’s feelings.”
Jackie smiled just a little. “So much, Eddie. There’s so much that’s clear to me now. Can it really happen so swiftly?”
“Yes. It may not be like that all the time, but when it is, it’s a lot of work.”
“You knew, didn’t you?”
“That you thought you were saved but weren’t? Yes. I had a hard time facing the facts, but Robert was very firm with me, and I saw the truth. Don’t forget that we shared a room, Jackie. We were about as close as two sisters could be. I was a fool not to see it long ago.
“Anyone can be afraid of the dark, but sometimes you would be terrified no matter how I tried to comfort you. When Robert spoke to me, it suddenly made perfect sense. I see now that the darkness outside was so frightening to you because there was no light inside.”
“Oh, Eddie,” Jackie said as the years came rushing back. “It’s so true. I would lie beside you in bed and feel like I was suffocating, even when you would leave the lantern on for me. I was black on the inside, all right.” the younger girl sighed. “I have so many things to apologize for. I have been horrid to you at times. Today I was just awful.”
“That’s behind us, Jackie. You’ll be tempted to beat yourself over the head with the past, but it does no good.”
Jackie nodded, her face filling with peace. “I’m glad of one thing, Eddie.”
“What’s that?”
“That I didn’t lose my sight because of some rebellion. Then I would feel that it’s all my fault.”
“It’s wise of you to think that way, Jackie. You have much to be thankful for. If you had kept your vision, you might have wandered blindly for years.”
“Yes. I’d already thought of that. Oh, Eddie, so much has happened in the last few minutes. I feel overwhelmed.”
“Don’t try to take it in all at once.”
Lena came back to the room and told the women she had lunch ready. Their conversation nev
er stemmed all the way through the meal and into the middle of the afternoon. They talked like they never had before. Jackie had dozens of questions, and Eddie tried to answer them all. Lena came and went as well, but she was already back in the kitchen working on dinner when Clayton’s name was mentioned again.
“You’re quiet all of a sudden,” Eddie commented.
“I was thinking of Clay.”
“What about Clay?”
“He said he was coming back only if Robert asked him. I’m sure he thought I would never want to see him again.”
“Well, maybe a day or two off would be nice. You do want him to teach you?”
“Yes, but some time off would be welcome. Do you think he’ll understand?”
“Certainly. I know Robert would be happy to talk to him.”
“Who would I be happy to talk with?”
Eddie jumped up and ran into her husband’s arms. He was home an hour early, and she barely accepted his kiss before she was talking 15 to the dozen and pulling him by the hand to Jackie’s side. Robert cried when he heard her news and hugged her close.
“Oh, Jackie,” was all he could say. His heart was so full. He asked questions of her, and when he learned the story, sought out Lena to hug her as well.
The three of them had a lovely dinner together before Robert told them he simply had to get some work done in his office. The women were left on their own, and Eddie could tell that Jackie had something on her mind. She waited and wasn’t disappointed.
“May I ask you something, Eddie?”
“Certainly.”
“Why do you suppose God did this?”
“You mean, allowed your blindness to happen?”
“Yes. I was only trying to help Father, and now I’ll never see again. Why is it like that sometimes?”
“Can I read something to you, Jackie?”
“Yes.” She listened as her sister rose, went across the room, and then reseated herself.
“This is a letter Mother wrote to me long before we brought you to Boulder. I’d like to share part of it with you.”
“All right.”
“Mother writes, ‘The temptation to question is strong at a time like this. Why my daughter? Why my Jackie? But then I also have to ask myself, why not my daughter? I think of the blind man from John 9. The disciples asked Jesus, whose fault is it that’s he’s blind, his or his parents? Jesus told them it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but that the works of God would be manifested in this deed. I will do well to remember this. We live in a sinful world and painful, evil things happen. God allows them to show us our need for Him. I must be thankful for that sovereignty and not fight against it.
“‘I have found a verse, Exodus 4:11, that has been a comfort to me. “And the Lord said, unto him, Who hath made man’s mouth? Or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing or the blind? Have not I, the Lord?” This reminds me, Eddie, that He never lost control. Even as my precious girl fell and lost her sight forever, He was there. Will she ever again take enough interest in life to ask me about this? I don’t know, but I have peace and I pray that someday she will live as she never has before.’ ”
“Oh, Eddie.” Jackie had tears in her eyes. “She answered my question, and I’d never even asked it. I might have never known.”
Eddie hugged her for a long time before they fell quiet. Then, for the first time since Eddie could remember, Jackie asked her to read from the Bible.
She was more than happy to comply, and Jackie listened, her head tilted to hear every word until she realized she was getting a crick in her neck. She told Eddie that they could stop when she heard the older girl yawn, but Eddie insisted they keep on. However, she suddenly stopped a few verses later.
“Eddie?” Jackie called softly, moving her hand along the davenport. She felt her sister’s skirt and knew she was there.
“Eddie. Are you all right?”
Jackie turned when she heard footsteps.
“She’s asleep, Jackie,” Robert told her.
“Oh. Okay.”
“Would you like me to read to you?”
“Don’t you want to go to bed?”
“Not yet.”
Robert settled in next to his wife and arranged her against him. She woke, but he pushed her head back onto his shoulder. He began to read, and she fell back to sleep almost instantly. Taking up where Eddie had left off, he got right into the chapter she was sharing from Genesis. It took several minutes for him to see that he’d lost Jackie as well.
“No, I don’t want you to,” Eddie told her husband, circling the table in his study, keeping it between them. “I will see the doctor.”
“But I know all about these things,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.
Eddie shook her head and tried not to smile. “I want to hear it from him. I don’t think I trust you.”
Robert barely held his laughter.
“All I’m going to do,” he said as he came around the table after her again, “is span your waist with my hands. Then I’ll know.”
Eddie laughed but did not let him catch her. She countered, “And the next time I need to see someone about cash investments, I should ask my doctor.”
Robert really laughed at this one, but Eddie would not hold still. It was so fun to tease him. So fun to see his eyes light with passion for her. Their play might have gone on indefinitely if Jackie hadn’t come to the door.
“Eddie?” she called innocently.
Eddie turned to her and Robert sprang.
“Gotcha!” he cried triumphantly.
“Oh!” Eddie let out a loud squeak as Robert’s arms came around her from the back and pressed her to his chest.
“Robert Langley,” Jackie demanded playfully. “What are you doing to my sister?”
“Well, I’ll tell you, Jackie. She comes to me and says she thinks she’s pregnant but won’t let me near her. Now, isn’t that rotten?”
“Oh, Eddie.” Jackie came forward, ignoring Robert’s question as her outstretched hands searched for her sister. “Where are you?”
“Right here.”
Robert allowed Eddie to slip from his grasp so she could hug her sister.
“Come to the sofa,” Jackie pulled her. “I want to feel the baby.”
“It’s too early,” Eddie said with a laugh but complied because Jackie wasn’t listening. She sat still while the younger girl’s hand came to rest gently on her stomach.
“You don’t feel pregnant.” Her brow was drawn in concentration.
“Not from the outside.” There was a smile in Eddie’s voice. “And I may not be, but if I am it’s too soon to show.”
Robert now came to his wife’s other side. He sat down beside her, slipped an arm around her shoulders, and then pressed his lips to her temple and left them there.
“I want a girl,” Jackie announced.
“I’ll see what I can do.” Eddie’s voice was dry.
“What if I want a boy?” Robert teased.
“Well,” Jackie cocked her head a little. “I guess you had better do what Robert tells you to, Eddie.”
She was so serious that husband and wife shared an amused smile.
“Looking forward to Clayton returning tomorrow?” Robert asked. Jackie had made her decision on Tuesday, and this was now Thursday. Both husband and wife watched her blush.
“I think so,” she told them, her face serious once again.
“Why do you look so uncertain?”
“Well, I just think he must have better things to do. School starts a week from Monday.”
“But he plans to come even after school begins,” Eddie said reasonably. “You know, in the evening and such. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s too busy to come.”
Jackie nodded but didn’t answer. Her heart had made a complete turnaround in the last two days, but that didn’t change the fact that she was in love with a man who would never be hers. In light of that, she’d been asking herself if seeing so much of him was a good idea.
> But then she remembered the school year. Surely when classes began he wouldn’t be able to come very often. The problem would be taken care of on its own. Jackie didn’t want to think about why that made her want to cry.
36
Jackie was alone in the study working over the writing table when Clayton arrived on Friday, and because she was concentrating on moving her hands over the poetry book, she didn’t hear him come in. The sound of his voice caused her to jump.
“Hello.”
“Oh, Clay, it’s you,” she said on a gasp.
“Yes. You look like you’re very busy.”
“Well,” she faltered, her hands fluttering in embarrassment. “You left the books here, and I thought it would be—”
“Don’t apologize. I’m glad you’re enjoying them.”
“Um, well, I mean ….” She was suddenly tongue-tied. “I know Robert talked to you and all, but if you don’t have time to come, Clay, I’ll understand.” She finished rather lamely, wishing she hadn’t brought the subject up at all.
He didn’t reply right away. She listened as he brought a chair up to the other side of her writing table. He didn’t touch her, but she could tell he was very close.
“I have plenty of time for this, Jackie,” he said gently, when he’d settled across from her. “And if I didn’t have time, I’d make some.”
His voice was so warm that she blushed from the chin up. Clayton watched in amazement. She was like the Jackie from months ago, before the letters they had shared, the one who was so shy around him that she could barely form two sentences.
“Oh, well, all right. If you’re certain.”
“I am.”
“Oh,” Jackie said before Clayton could suggest they begin. “There’s one other thing, Clay. I’m sorry about the hard time I’ve given you here, and well, about the letter from a long time ago. I’m… well… I’m sorry I lied. I made Lexa write it. I’ve asked Eddie to write to her and apologize for me.”
Clayton’s whole body vibrated with the pounding of his heart. Robert had told him about her decision, but to see it up close was an awesome thing. Very carefully, so as not to frighten her, Clayton placed his hand over the top of hers. In so doing, he watched Jackie take a huge breath, and in that instant also learned that she hadn’t begun to understand the intensity of his feelings.