Or maybe, I’d bought it.
Finally I told Wystan that I had to leave.
“So soon? You haven’t seen the third floor—sci-fi, dark fantasy, poetry, women’s studies, gay and lesbian, New Age.”
“Thank you. But I have to leave.”
“The basement! The ‘book mausoleum’ that contains unknown treasures . . .”
“Thank you, Wystan. Not today.”
“Next time, then! That’s a promise.”
Clearly there was no one else in the store, since it was Wystan who checked out my books at the cashier’s counter. In his eagerness to stay at my side he’d ignored another, single, male customer who’d drifted in, and out, of the store without a purchase.
My precious armload of paperback books came to just thirty-two dollars and ninety-eight cents. This, I paid with cash, but Wystan pressed me to give him my address so that Book Bazaar could send out notices of store events and sales—“It’s a service to our favored customers.”
When I looked dubious Wystan said, “Ten percent discount to our favored customers. Regular book sales.”
But mutely I shook my head no.
No thanks.
“Or an e-mail address, then.”
But I was feeling cautious. No thanks!
Wystan opened the door for me with a show of gallantry. I had to pass close by his extended arm, and I could smell his particular odor—book-dust, papery-dry-dust, long melancholy afternoons shading into night. Suddenly with a quizzical smile he asked me if I knew Harvey Selden?—and quickly I shook my head no.
“You remind me of Harvey. Around the eyes, I think. And the nose—you both have a kind of ‘patrician’ nose.”
My heart beat strangely. Why I felt such alarm, I don’t know. As if I were about to receive a profound and irrevocable revelation, and did not know if I was ready for it.
Wystan said, with a look of regret, “Harvey is the most remarkable person I’ve met. Not that I know Harvey well—I don’t. Never did. He can read all kinds of crazy languages of ‘antiquity.’ He was translating something from the Bible, he thought would ‘transform’ the world. He used to come into the store two-three times a week when he’d first moved to Trenton in May. Bought lots of books—cheap paperbacks but great choices. He was a ‘seminarian’ he said—on ‘sabbatical’ for a term. But lately, last five weeks or so, I haven’t seen him and I kind of miss him. I’d been saving out some special old books for him. Someone who’d met Harvey here in the store, who sometimes hangs out here, said the other day, really shook me up, that Harvey had died—just last week.”
“Died! Of what?”
“In Trenton, it almost doesn’t matter how. Death just comes.”
“But—how?”
“That wasn’t clear. A drug overdose, maybe. Or a drug dealer wanting the money Harvey owed him.”
Chapter Five
Often when I returned home, the apartment was empty.
A look as of having been ravaged, ransacked.
Smells of tobacco smoke, or hashish. Distinctive yet inexplicable smells.
Slowly I would make my way into Harvey’s bedroom, and then his bathroom—hoping I would not find his body collapsed on the floor.
And in the little nursery at the rear of the apartment—a patch of shadow beneath my desk-table made me start, and cry out in alarm.
“Oh!”—though I could see that it was nothing.
Thinking It won’t matter how. It just—comes.
* * *
And who else lived in the quasi-renovated English Tudor at 11 Grindell?
Harvey knew none of his neighbors. They appeared to be, with the exception of an elderly white couple who lived below Harvey, on the first floor, a shifting population that sometimes included young children, mostly dark-skinned, with a scattering of “whites”—individuals who avoided my eye when we happened to meet in the vestibule, or on the stairs. In one of the third-floor apartments, a few days after I’d arrived to stay with Harvey, there was some sort of medical emergency: a loud siren, loud voices and footsteps on the stairs, a woman’s uplifted frightened voice, shouted instructions and cries and Harvey forbidding me to open the door: “You don’t want to know, Lydia. And I sure don’t, either.”
Beneath Harvey, on the first floor, lived an elderly white couple who seemed rarely to leave their apartment, surname Baumgarten. They were so quiet, even in the aftermath of noise and clamor in my brother’s apartment, I worried for their well-being—“What if they’ve died, and no one knows? Shouldn’t we check on them?”—and Harvey said, frowning, “No. That’s a terrible idea.”
Once, I did knock on the Baumgartens’ door, 1B. After a very long time the door was opened a crack, and a single eye, lashless, naked, staring in suspicion, appeared at about the level of my chin.
Yes? What do you want?—a suspicious whispery voice inquired.
And I could not think how to reply—Nothing! I want nothing from you only just—some evidence that you are—that you are not—that you are alive.
But I could not utter such ridiculous words. I could not utter anything convincing or halfway reasonable stammering finally Excuse me! I’m so sorry to interrupt you, I think I have the wrong address. . . .
The door shut, the door was bolted from within.
I never caught a glimpse of the Baumgartens again.
* * *
One of the assignments I’d brought to Trenton was a bound galley of a slender book titled Cleansing Rituals: Mother, Infant, Taboo which appeared to be a doctoral dissertation by a young assistant professor of anthropology at UC-Berkeley.
I felt that familiar thrill of rivalry! Envy.
Yet: I was determined to be utterly fair and judicious in my review. Where I wasn’t qualified to criticize, I would not criticize. I would look for much to praise.
It was an honor, I’d thought, and a matter of some pride, that the prestigious Journal of the Anthropology of Religion had asked me to do a brief, five-hundred-word review of the book. It was not common for editors of such a peer-reviewed journal to assign reviews to academicians like myself who were so young, and lacking a Ph.D., and had not yet published books themselves. But the editors of the Journal had heard me present a paper at a conference at Columbia University in September and had sent me the galley to review, to my surprise. Yet more of a surprise was my thesis advisor Professor A.’s reaction: he had scarcely been impressed but rather sourly he’d warned me not to “squander” my energy in transient tasks, at this time in my career when completing a substantial dissertation was crucial.
I was disappointed, and hurt. It seemed to be a melancholy pattern in my life, I brought to others news of achievements which I would have thought might impress them, or cause them to feel pride for me; but the reaction was totally antipathetic. I could not predict.
So frequently the term taboo occurs in anthropological research, it would be helpful to know what taboo means.
But we can know only the taboos of others, which we can coolly deconstruct. Our own, private taboos are hidden to us as the contours of our own brains.
My subject was a number of linked ancient texts dealing with rituals of childbirth/ motherhood. In these texts, there were no father-figures—no father-deities—only the pregnant female, the female-in-childbirth, the female and her infant, and female “spirits” (“demons”?) .
The number of ancient manuscripts dealing with twins must have been hugely disproportionate to the number of twins born, which was a puzzle. In this culture twins were likely to be “sacred twins”—unless they were “demon twins.” The obsessive subject prevailed across different cultures and eras and into the present day in Africa— much about the rituals was similar, yet, unaccountably, there were rituals that seemed to contradict the others.
Some twins were “sacred” and beloved. Some twins were “demonic” and
were to be killed immediately at birth. In one text, the fullness of the moon seemed to be a relevant factor; in another, the nature of the delivery—whether it was exceedingly bloody, for instance. (If the mother died in childbirth, “sacred” twins were reared by the tribe; “demonic” twins were to be executed at once, and not buried with the mother.) Yet these issues were hedged with doubt and ambivalence and the effort of translating the relevant manuscripts was challenging, for there were words that, translated, might mean what they usually meant or their opposite. And there were key words that baffled translators. In such cases infanticide was not considered murder but “ritual cleansing.” Professor A. had written extensively of the puzzles and paradoxes of the Eweian texts which dated from A.D. 700 yet retained older, ancient passages and single words that had become extinct by A.D. 700 so it was not clear what the author of the text meant by them. Professor A. had spent much of his mid-career on this paradoxical subject and had tried to explain to me where the more crucial problems lay. Basically, Professor A. was involved in a genteel feud with other translators and scholars for it was his belief that the texts had been inadequately translated—the (unclean) infants had not been murdered but in some literal way “cleansed.” There was a Eweian term—sRjAApuna—that can be translated as “cleansing”—“eradicating”—“purifying”—(more rarely) “destroying.” There were recipes for sacred ointments, baths, amulets to “purify”—or “protect”—the mother who had just given birth, who would have been, like all such mothers, then as now, extremely vulnerable to lethal infections; except these ancient people did not know about bacterial infections, only that mothers often died in childbirth, a time of terrible “uncleanliness.” In all this, the taboo functioned mysteriously: some sort of (never-spoken) acknowledgment of the Great Mother, represented as a genial sort of demon with ornamental skulls around her neck.
Working on the Eweian texts, I sometimes felt that I understood the intent of the manuscript clearly, as if the author were not an ancient scribe—male, more likely than female—but a kindred soul; yet, the next day when I sat down to work, I felt that I did not understand at all, and that the arcane and forbidden vocabulary would never yield to my attempts to decode it.
I did know, from my conversations with Professor A., that Professor A. would not favor any text-translation that suggested that the ritual cleansings were ritual murders—ritual infanticide. I knew this, and hoped that I would have enough integrity to insist upon my own interpretation, eventually.
How I wished that I could work with Nyame manuscripts—the famous text of ancient times in which the “sacred trinity” is established: God the Father, God the mother, and God the son. In all, to the Nyame people, who’d once lived in the general region of Zimbabwe, God was not a singular individual, not a master-monster, but a family.
(Too bad, there wasn’t God the daughter, too. But this notion of a family-God seemed wonderful to me, enviable.)
Once, I’d said to Professor A., “Why is so much of primitive life ritual? What is ritual?” and Professor A. said, as if he’d answered this question many times in his career, “Ritual eliminates chance. The originality and errors of chance. Ritual is repetition. Repetition becomes ‘sacred.’ Our ancestors know, as we know, that we can’t trust ‘chance.’ We must have reasons for what we do, even if they are unreasonable.”
I knew that I had misspoken: I should not have used the expression primitive.
But when I tried to apologize for this politically incorrect, anachronistic term, Professor A. laughed as if conspiratorially saying, “Well, let’s be frank, Lydia. There are ‘primitive peoples’ even today—‘aboriginals.’ Much of the world—the African continent, surely—except for South Africa—is primitive. Witch doctor drilling holes in people’s skulls to release demons. Worse than the Roman Catholic exorcism—though that’s ‘primitive’ enough. And when the patient dies, it’s the demon who killed him, not the witch doctor.”
Hesitantly I said, “ ‘Infanticide’—it’s the most powerful taboo. But animals commit it, we know—in the service of evolution. I mean, an animal mother will kill the ‘runt of the litter’ or let him die—or be eaten by his siblings—because she can’t care for him, and too much of her strength will be squandered in a lost cause.” I had not meant to say squandered but it was too late to retract it.
Professor A. stared at me in surprise. Now truly I had misspoken.
Darwinian evolutionary theory was not so very welcome in Professor A.’s field, for its simple, much-reiterated theorems about the instinct for survival at all costs and the instinct to reproduce the species trumped more complex scholarly speculations of a kind that required a lifetime to master. What if infanticide wasn’t a ritual taboo but—just a commonplace in animal and human life? Arcane texts, beautiful extinct languages, decades of struggle to define single words and phrases—what did precision of translation matter, if each ritual had as its primary concern the evolutionary advantage of the individual, and through the individual, the species?
Coldly Professor A. said, “I think, Lydia—that is your name, isn’t it: Lydia?—it will be wisest for you to stay very close to your texts. Word by word, line by line, passage by passage—you are walking a tightrope over an abyss, as a responsible translator. All speculation—the lifeblood of other sciences—is abhorrent to the anthropologist, who deals in facts.”
You will not disobey me. You are the captive daughter.
In Grindell Park, at my makeshift desk, I puzzled over the Eweian text as if I’d never seen it before. Originally I’d been thrilled by the challenge—if my translation was a good one, and Professor A. approved it, very likely it would be published in a prestigious journal; such a publication would have an immeasurable effect upon my young career. Professor A. had virtually handed me this gift—yet now, irresponsibly, I had a fantasy of ripping it into pieces—that is, the photocopied text; but what good would that do? All that Professor A. had entrusted to me was a sixteen-page photocopy of the “sacred” text miraculously preserved from antiquity and now kept under lock and key in the University library’s hallowed special collection.
I thought Individuals die, life endures. A copy of a text is destroyed but another takes its place—just like us.
Chapter Six
Voices inside. Unmistakable.
And when I turned the doorknob, the door was locked.
“Harvey? It’s—me . . .”
The voices continued, punctuated by laughter. A sharp staccato series of barks—Dargo?
“. . . . it’s Lydia, will you let me inside?”
I knocked on the door. Knocked, banged my fist. Manic dog-barking ensued. I thought I have the right, he can’t keep me out. I live here too, now.
More soberly I thought If the door is opened, the pit bull will rush at me. No one will stop him.
Still I waited in the hall. I pressed my ear against the door. I thought I heard Harvey’s voice—muffled, indistinct. I was sure that I heard Leander’s voice, and another male voice.
Possibly, a female voice. Maralena?
I was holding bags of groceries in both my arms, which I’d purchased not at Pinneo’s Market but several miles north in a Trenton suburb, at a ShopRite. In this store there was “fresh” produce, better quality food overall, and, unexpectedly, the price of my purchases was slightly less than it would have been at the corner market on Camden Avenue.
I knocked another time. The dog’s barking was hysterical now. They must have known who was at the door, who was desperate to be admitted, but no one opened the door, no one spoke to me.
I retreated to my car. Locked the groceries in the trunk and walked over to the little library to wait there, abashed and humbled, until closing time.
He has betrayed me, my brother. It is strangers he loves.
* * *
Another time when I was in my study working on the Eweian translation Harvey came to th
e doorway to inform me that he was shutting my door and that under no circumstances was I to open it—“Someone is coming here. If he sees you he’ll be suspicious. If he’s suspicious there could be trouble. There could be danger. Not only to me but to you.”
“Danger? What—”
“No time to quibble. Just don’t open this door.”
“But—who is coming? What’s happening?”
“God damn, Lydia, I’ve warned you— just don’t open this door.”
Harvey’s eyes looked as if they were shadowed in grime. His smile had become gat-toothed. Overnight, in some bizarre episode of which I knew nothing, he seemed to have lost one of his lower front teeth. Like a deranged Hallowe’en pumpkin my brother grinned, or grimaced; his facial features were so agitated and twitchy, I couldn’t distinguish a grin from a grimace.
“Stay inside. It will be fine. He’ll arrive, and he’ll depart. It will go well. Just don’t open the door and show your face.”
Harvey shut the door. I heard him dragging something, a heavy piece of furniture, to buttress against it, to prevent my opening it.
Immediately I went to the door, and tried the knob. I could not budge the door open, I was trapped.
Soon there came a sound of someone arriving at the apartment: a man’s voice. Not a voice I recognized. And a second voice, also a man’s, and unrecognizable.
Harvey’s voice was a murmur, indecipherable.
Whatever the transaction was, it did not take more than fifteen minutes. By which time in my desperation I had worked out a plan If they kill Harvey, I will not be trapped here. I can scream out the window. I can climb out the window onto the roof. I will not die here. Not with Harvey.
* * *
Seven weeks, living with Harvey. As our parents had bade me.