I smile despite myself. He always used to watch Doctor Who with me as he knew how much I liked it. He pretended he only did it to please me, but I know he secretly likes it just as much as I do. He would never admit it to me of course.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Jake, that day wasn’t the best day in my lifetime.”
He interrupts me, “I’m not talking about that day.”
I frown, “What do you mean?” I ask.
“I would go back to the very beginning, before we ever even met. I would wait here, as I remember you telling me you used to come here after one of your fitness classes and have a slice of their carrot cake. You said it was your treat after your class, that you didn’t feel guilty about having it as you had already burned it off. You said that as it was carrot, you thought you were having a dose of your five a day.” He pauses for a moment, smiling, “I would have been here, waiting for you. I would have met you first. I know exactly where we would be now if that had happened.”
Why does he always do that, know exactly the right things to say? “You remember all of this?” I ask, stunned.
“Ana, I’ve already told you before. I remember everything about you. Everything.”
When he talks to me like that it just makes the whole situation that much harder. I love him so much with all my heart. It hurts like hell to keep away from him when he says those sweet precious words to me. How dare he make me love him so much.
He places his hand on mine and traces my knuckles with his finger tips. The feeling sends a shiver down my spine. I close my eyes in surrender, willing my body to react and pull my hand away.
“You still love me, don’t you?”
I open my eyes and the tears begin to threaten. I feel his piercing into my soul and I almost gasp at the wonderful intrusion.
“I’m not doing very well here am I? I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry.”
Jake apologizing to me is only making me feel worse. If he was pushier, then I could at least argue with him and try to teach him a lesson. He makes it so much harder being nice like this. It makes me hate him even more, or love him. I wish my brain would shut up and stop thinking. I try to compose myself and the rest of the meal is done in awkward silence.
The waitress came to take our plates. Jake ordered the bill and she came out a couple of minutes later and hands it to him smiling. I didn’t like that. It was obvious she was ogling him and it got my back up. Jake was completely oblivious to it of course and it only made me want him all the more. She then looks at me making her way over to where I’m sitting. This is strange.
“Are you, Ana Sinclair?”
I nod, “Yes,” I say, confusion all over my face. I look toward Jake and he looks just as confused as me.
“I was asked to hand you this note from a gentleman who just left.”
She reaches her hand out to me and I take the note thanking her. Who on earth could this be? I open it up and gasp loudly. I place my hand on my chest and grip on to it for dear life. Jake notices my anguish and gets up.
“Ana, what’s going on? Who is it that sent you the note? Ana!”
I’m frozen, unable to move or speak a word. He gently pulls the note from my grip and reads it. The tears are streaming now and Jake quickly throws some money on the table and pulls me up.
“Come with me, Ana. We need to talk.”
I don’t argue with him. I need to get out of there fast. Alan has just tainted the one place I felt safe and happy, and I hate him with a vengeance because of it.
I’m quickly snapped into reality with the thought that Jake now knows of his existence. The one person I wanted to hide my ugly secret from is now about to find it out. I didn’t want it to be this way. Marcos told me I had to report it and he was right, but I didn’t want it to happen this way.
We pull into a secluded spot about ten minutes away and Jake turns to me.
“Ana, who is this? Tell me, please. Has he hurt you?”
I start trembling and he reaches his hand across to mine.
“Ana, whoever this is, I can tell he has scared the shit out of you. Are you being stalked or something?”
I nod my head because at the moment it’s all I can do.
“Why haven’t you reported this? Do you know who he is?”
I nod my head again.
“So who is it, a past boyfriend? The note said ‘Are you trying to make me jealous?’ What does he mean?”
I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes. “He was my stepfather.”
His face contorts in agony. It was just what I wanted to avoid, and the reason why I never told him.
“What happened between you two? Did you—”
I shake my head willing him to stop and he does. The tears come again and it is then he puts two and two together.
“It was one sided wasn’t it?”
I grip my eyes shut and nod again. A little sod escapes me and he leans over wrapping his arms around me.
“Ana, I wish you had told me about this. I would have been there for you. I want nothing more than to take the pain away.”
I inhale his sweet scent, thinking there is nothing more I would want in the world than to have Jake take that pain away.
I pull away from his embrace and begin my story about Alan. He sits there gripping the steering wheel tightly, but lets me pour the whole story out to him, without interruption.
When I finish he closes his eyes as though he is willing his anger under control. He’s got that look about him. The one I’ve seen a lot of times, and I know exactly what it means. He wants to kick ass and to be honest, I would very much like to see Alan’s ass get kicked.
He manages to compose himself and he turns to me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you always said yourself that I was a magnet for trouble, didn’t you? What would you have thought of me if I let that little gem out? First Tony and now him. What must you think of me?”
He grabs my hand, “Ana, look at me—look at me.”
I turn my head and see the pain in those beautiful green eyes.
“I was an asshole for coming out with that. I knew it was wrong the minute it left my lips. What happened at the bar with that jerk off made me mad because I couldn’t be the one to control it for you. I was frustrated that I couldn’t kick the crap out of him for thinking he could lay his hands on you. I wanted to be the one to hold you and dance with you. I was angry that some stranger thought he could walk up to you and touch you the way that he did. I was angry at him, at the situation. I could never be angry with you. I was frustrated and you were the nearest person I could vent my frustration on. What happened at the bar, Tony, and what’s happening now is not your fault. You have to believe me. Ana, it’s not your fault.”
He emphasized the last four words with such force that it was almost like he was trying to burrow them into me. He cups my face and leans his forehead on mine. We stay motionless for a few seconds and I feel his breathing pick up. He pulls my head further down and gently kisses me on the lips. He slightly pulls away and looks me in the eyes like he’s searching for a reaction. My body screams ‘fuck it!’ as I pull him in for a deeper kiss. Our tongues find each other as I moan into his mouth.
I feel the heat rising, burning its way deep into my core. It feels like it’s been years instead of mere days since we last kissed, and again like every time, my limbs go limp at his touch. He places his fingers through my hair and grips my head. He pulls me deeper into his kiss, as if getting this deep is not enough. My hand reacts and yanks at his hair making him growl. That noise sends my heart rate soaring. I want him in me now. I can’t stand it any longer. He pulls me away, pain evident on his face.
“I want you home with me where you belong. I can keep you safe.”
Those words are the only thing that pulls me from the hot, fiery situation we’ve so easily led ourselves into. “Jake, no, I’m okay. I have a gun in my room.”
He looked at me in shock.
/> “You have a what?”
I didn’t like where this was going. This was another reason why I couldn’t tell him.
“I bought a gun, and don’t worry, I did it legally. I just thought it was about time I learnt how to defend myself.”
He shakes his head, “Ana, you can be home with me and I can protect you. I admire your spirit, but I want to be there for you and take down this little fucker if he ever dares get that close to you again.”
I start laughing and the words are out quicker than I can stop it. “My caveman.” I quickly shut my mouth and throw my hand over it, willing the words to stop.
Jake smiles, “So I’m still your caveman am I?”
Oh shit, not now. “No Jake, I just got lost in the moment, forgot where I was.” I look over to him and his eyes look sad. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I have.
He swiftly changes the subject. “Did Stella not know what was going on under her own roof all that time?”
I shook my head, “No, she couldn’t have. I wanted to tell her but I was too scared.”
The anger was back on his face. “I wish I never met that woman now, but then to say that would mean I might never have met you. You were the only good thing that came out of that whole mess. You know that weekend away I planned to Williamsburg?”
I nodded; I never did understand why he wanted to take her there.
“I was going to break things up with her. I wanted to take her away from any distractions and have a good chat about how I felt, or didn’t feel. I was actually glad she beat me to it and left herself anyway. I knew it would possibly mean losing you, but I would have tried to convince you to stay. I was planning on taking you out once we got back and asking you not to leave. I couldn’t bear to be without you and now that you are gone, my heart understands why. Please come back to me, Ana. I swear I’ll take the rest of my life making up for the monumental fuck up I made—if that’s what it takes.”
I shake my head as the tears threaten again. “Jake, I can’t.”
He sighs his obvious disappointment and starts the car.
“We need to get back to work and report this.” He puts the car in drive and we head on back.
Along the way I tell him all about what had been happening the last few days with the birthday card and Agent Marcos coming over. I didn’t like it, but I felt I had to tell him about Michael staying over as Alan knew, and I didn’t want Jake to find out that way. He really wasn’t happy about that. In fact the anguish on his face made the guilt ten times worse, but I was glad that I had told him in the end. It would never have looked great finding out some other way that Michael had stayed. It was purely because that asshole was back in my life and nothing else. I told Jake as much, but he still didn’t look happy.
“I feel bad that you couldn’t have come to me with this. It hurts to know Michael knew about this before me.”
The pain stabbed at my heart and twisted. I would never want to hurt Jake like this, no matter how angry I was at him for what he did. I was trying to think of something to say to make it easier, so I told him that it was harder for me to tell him as he was so important to me. That what he felt about me mattered more than anything. I didn’t want him to feel differently about me and I had to admit, I was ashamed of myself for what Alan had done. I didn’t want what he did to ever change what we had together.
“Ana, nothing in this world could change how I feel for you. I understand your reaction as it is a very natural thing to feel and say, but it is definitely not the case. You were a child, Ana and that fucker abused your trust. I swear to God if I ever see him I’ll break his goddamned neck.”
His knuckles begin to turn white on the steering wheel again and I know he is trying ever so hard to control himself. I understand his anger. It is what anyone in their right mind would feel knowing a child had been abused. I’m not dumb enough to know that what he did to me was wrong and sick on all kinds of levels, but it happened and I can’t take that away.
As we pull into the car park at work, I quickly realise I’m going to have to go in there now and reveal the whole story to people I know. The knowledge of this only made the whole situation ten times worse.
Once we’re in, Jake motions for me into his office and calls Michael. We wait for a few minutes when Michael knocks on the door. Jake shouts for him to come in and notices me straight away. He frowns a little, unease written all over his face as he takes a seat.
“Michael, I’ve called you in here because we have a situation, and I’ve been told that you are aware of it. Ana and I were just at lunch and afterwards a note was brought over to our table by a waitress. He hands the note over to Michael and he looks at it shaking his head.
“He called me.” Jake snaps his head toward me.
“When?”
“Yesterday at work. He said some rather disgusting things, which I do not wish to repeat, but he knows where I am. He mentioned seeing Michael and I leaving the apartment.” Michael uncomfortably shifts in his seat and Jake looks none too pleased.
“Michael, get a tap going on Jessie’s phone so that if he calls her at home, we can trace him. Also, get a report of all the phone records to this station yesterday to see if we can get a trace from there. Contact Agent Marcos to get any details he has sent over, and we will need to visit La Bistro restaurant in Reston to interview that waitress. That needs to be done ASAP. She saw the suspect and we need an up to date description of him.”
Michael nods at Jake still looking uneasy. “Ana, is there anything else?”
I shake my head.
“Michael, we’ll have to start an investigation on this but try and keep it quiet. Only a few people really need to know. The rest can just be made aware that we have a wanted suspect in an assault case which happened twelve years ago.”
He shoots up from his seat and tells Jake he’ll be right on it. Once he’s out of the door, Jake looks at me.
“Are you okay?”
I was nervous. I thought he may have been mad at me, but instead, he’s just being nice. “I’m fine. I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I don’t want you to feel badly towards me because of it.”
Sitting on his desk beside me he said, “I could never feel that way about you and as I already told you, I completely understand why you did it.”
I shake my head, “You’re making it impossible for me to hate you, Jake Bennett.”
“And you’re making it impossible for me not to throw you over my shoulder and take you back home where you belong,” he huffs in frustration.
I get up smiling and walk to the door. It’s not a good idea to let this situation go on any longer than necessary. I know exactly what will happen, I’ll cave and I’m not about to give in that easily again. I think back to the car where he kissed me and the fire starts again. I must go, now. I smile sweetly and turn the handle on the door.
“Well, Mr Bennett, I suppose we both have our problems then don’t we?” I head out the door closing it swiftly behind me. I let out a deep breath. Boy was that hard.
Jessie is eagerly awaiting my arrival when I get back to my desk. She sees how upset I am and her smile turns into a frown.
“What’s up, Missy?”
I take a seat and tell Jessie all about what happened at lunch. In the middle of telling her I notice Michael and Jake leaving. I know exactly where they’re going and for some reason all I am feeling is jealousy. I should be scared, but the thought of Jake going back to that restaurant and interviewing the leech is only making my blood boil. Jessie notices my change in features straight away.
“You look pissed. I don’t blame you. The little fucker needs to be taught a lesson.”
I shake my head and laugh, “You know I wasn’t even thinking about him then.”
She frowns at me so I explain. “I’m getting jealous of Jake going back to the restaurant and interviewing that waitress. She was practically drooling on the table at him. I’m pretty sure she read that note and thought that he and I wer
e—”
“Not together?” she interrupted.
She raises her eyebrow at me and I immediately know what her intentions were. She is right of course, but it pissed me off.
“Okay smart-arse; I’m getting back to work. I’ve had enough of this conversation and I still have tons to do.”
I turn away to look at my computer, but that still doesn’t stop Jessie from talking to the back of my head.
“I get it. You don’t like what I said, but you know it’s true. You and Jake aren’t together, so if he wants to ask that waitress out, he has every right to.”
I got pretty mad then. “Jessie, how can you say that? He’s—”
“What?” She interrupted again, “Yours?”
“Yes!” I snapped. I hated myself for letting it out, but I couldn’t help it. “I know it sounds selfish, but I want him to be miserable without me. I can’t take him back, but at the same time I don’t want him with anyone else. Think of it what you will, but it’s just the way I feel.” The tears were brimming now and I hated Jessie that little bit for it.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m honestly only trying to help. I know what you said to me back at home and I promised not to do this to you. It just makes me so upset when I see how miserable you are.”
She turns her chair around in defeat and I quickly feel guilty.
“Thank you, Jessie. I understand why you did it and I’m sorry for shouting at you.”
She gets up from her seat and comes in for a hug.
“I only want what’s best for you, Ana, and I’m right behind you all the way.”
Considering Jake and I got back so late the time went in really quickly. I stayed until 6pm because I wanted to get as much work done as possible. I had to admit defeat though, the graph will not be done by today. I think another half day Monday is all I need to get it finished.
Jake wanders over a little after six.
“Can I follow you home to make sure you get back okay? I have those car seats and mats still in my car. I can take them up for you.”