I grip the doorknob willing it to turn. I feel my face flush with the onset of more tears threatening to run. His words fill my head with some sort of tortured bliss. On one hand I want to run to him and tell him it’s okay, that I want him just as much, and that I love him, too. But the other side of me can’t get over what he did, and that is what finally gives me the strength to turn the handle on the door.
“I will never let you go, Ana. I will fight for you, I promise you that. My world is nothing without you in it, and I’m not giving up until you’re mine again. I’ve never stopped being yours and I never will. The stars are not the same since you left.”
My heart plummeted at this point. His words sent a current of emotions shooting through my veins. I remember how he used to make me feel when we made love. How I would tell him I saw the stars, because that’s how special he made me feel when he touched me. I can’t see a world without Jake in it either, but I remember quickly how things could have been if it wasn’t for the bomb my so-called mother unleashed on me.
I pull the door towards me not once looking back at Jake, as I know that if I do, I’ll be lost and give in to him. I have to show him I’m strong and that he can’t just worm his way back into my life, no matter how much I want him to.
I close the door behind me and make my way back to my desk where Jessie awaits me patiently. Of course she is going to want an explanation and of course I’m going to have to provide her one, but the thought right now just exhausts me. I’ve had enough of it all for one day.
I tell Jessie everything that has happened and after her initial shock and horror she takes me in for a hug.
“You know Jake thinks we can just pick everything up from where we left off and move on like nothing happened?”
She doesn’t seem terribly surprised by this news.
“You’ve both been miserable without each other. I’m not saying what he did was nothing, but I think it’s inevitable that you’ll be back together soon.”
I shake my head venomously, “No, Jessie, I can’t. Not after what he did to me. I’m not letting him win.” She looks on at me clearly not amused and tuts at me.
“You know you’re the most stubborn woman I have ever met? I wonder if your mother was ever the same.”
In my horror of the day I completely forgot to ask about my mother. Of course I need to know more about her. I need to know what she was like. I quickly take my phone out to text Stella and ask, but there is already a message from her with an attachment.
I open it up and staring at me is a photo of a man in uniform who I immediately recognized as my dad. He is standing next to a woman who I realize must be my mother. She was beautiful. She has the same blonde hair and blue eyes as me. She is smiling and looking at my father sweetly. He, in turn, is looking at her with complete adoration. She looks to be pregnant by about six months or so and is protectively cradling her stomach. A lump fills my throat as I stare at the only memory captured of my mother and father together. After a while of staring I manage to pull myself away from the image to read what she has to say.
‘I found this photo and thought you may appreciate me sending it to you. Your mother was a beautiful woman. She was always the one to capture the hearts of men so easily, as I should imagine you do, too. Anabelle had a gift for winning over anyone she ever met. She was an extraordinary woman. I hope you can forgive me for everything I have done, as I don’t think I can ever forgive myself. I’ll be in touch soon. Take care, Mum.xx’
I notice that she is still calling herself mum, but I should imagine not doing so would be a little difficult after all these years. To be honest it would be difficult for me to stop also. I give myself a mental kick. I don’t know why I’m so up and down with my emotions lately. I suppose having your lover betray you and then topping that off with finding out who you thought was your mum, was actually your aunt, would do that to you.
I get back to what is left of my working day, but my heart is still not in it. I’m glad when the hour turns to 5pm so I can go home and wallow in self pity again. I make my way outside with Jessie; giving her a big hug and I wish her a great night out with Jerry.
On the way home I stop off to get some groceries for the apartment and order a bucket of chicken to take away. I can really do with the comfort food right now. I take my time when I get home to load all the shopping bags in the only two arms I have. I make it to the entrance door when again I spot Brian. We start laughing as this is becoming a habit.
“We have to stop meeting like this, the neighbors will talk and I can just see their tongues wagging, especially after seeing who comes out my door most mornings. Here let me help you with that.”
He grabs a couple of my bags and we make our way to the lift. “Sorry, have I missed something? I’m a little confused.” He looks abashed all of a sudden.
“Oops, I assumed you knew. I thought I had a radar over my head. I’m gay, I was trying to make a joke, but it fell flat on my ass.”
“Oh, sorry yes, it all makes sense now,” I say laughing. “As you can already tell I’ve been a little preoccupied.”
He nods his head. “Yeah, I know how that feels. Love is a bitch at times.”
We gather ourselves into the lift and it hums as we make our way up.
“I’ll see you to your door if that’s okay with you? You seem to be a little overwhelmed with shopping bags. My better half loves to shop, so I know what it’s like.”
I laugh again, “Thanks, that would be great. Sounds like your other half and I would get on famously.”
The door pings open and we make our way towards Jessie’s door.
“Where are you originally from may I ask? You're obviously not from around these parts, that’s for sure.”
I let the bags down as I fumble for the key to unlock the door. “I’m originally from a place called Chelsea in London. My mother and I moved over from there about eleven years ago now.”
I push the door open and we walk towards the kitchen setting the bags down.
“How cool is that? I always wanted to see London. How come you managed to keep that accent of yours then if you’ve lived here so long?”
I make my way to one of the bags suddenly dying for a glass of Pinot. I haven’t had a glass in ages and one could just do the trick right now. I offer him a glass and he accepts.
“Well, that’s easy you see. When we finally managed to get me settled and enrolled in school, all the pupils there were amazed with my accent. They loved it and I quickly became one of the most popular girls in school. I was known as ‘Ana London’ for a while and it caught on into high school. I figured if everyone loved it so much, that I should hold on to it as long as I could. It helped that every now and then we would visit London, but I haven’t been back now for about four years since I devoted all my time to studying and passing my Bachelors degree.”
I grab a couple of glasses out of the cabinet after using the corkscrew and hand Brian a glass.
“Sounds like you’ve led quite the life. What did you major in?”
I start packing away my shopping and greedily sip my wine. “Criminal Justice. I work at the Fairfax County Police Department. I love it. It’s certainly interesting. What do you do, Brian?”
He takes a sip and looks at the glass like he’s appreciating the flavor.
“I work from home mostly. I’m in IT which basically means I’m a computer geek. I do freelance work fixing bugs etc. It’s nothing fancy, but it pays well.”
I finish putting all the shopping away and turn my attention to the bucket. I offer Brian a piece and he licks his lips. “Wow, it’s a pity you’re not a different sex as you’d be the man of my dreams.”
I nearly wet myself laughing as we both stand there giggling away like idiots. I almost miss the doorbell buzz we’re so loud.
“Hold on a sec, Brian, I’ll be right back.”
I turn and make my way to the door and look through the peep hole. I see a man holding some flowers. “Who is it please?” I bellow.
/>
“I have a delivery for a Miss Ana-Lucia Sinclair.”
I bury my head in my hands. There’s only one person that calls me by that name. I open the door and spot a huge bunch of the most beautiful pink Hydrangeas. I sign the clipboard and he hands me the flowers. I thank him and make my way back to the kitchen.
“Wow, someone loves you very much.”
I smile at Brian and place the flowers on the side to look at the card. Attached is a beautiful silver key ring of a star. I open the note to read.
‘I chose Hydrangeas as apparently they represent perseverance, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to use that word to its fullest. I love you and want you back in my life. I want to give you the stars. All my love, Jake.’
I smile as a single tear falls down my face. I don’t know how he does it, but he renders me into mush. If he were here I’d be putty in his hands.
“I take it that this is from the man who broke your heart?”
I don’t say a word, I just nod.
“I guess he regrets that now.”
I look at Brian for the first time taking him in. He’s slender; about five foot ten and has golden brown hair and light gray eyes. He’s pretty, very pretty. It really does make sense now. He’d be the kind of boy you’d bitch about to your friends that all the good guys are either married or gay. This is certainly the case for Brian.
“I’m so sorry about all this. Every time you see me I’m bloody crying. Jeez, I need to get a hold of myself.” He comes over and pats me on the shoulder.
“Don’t sweat it, I’m used to it. I’m like an agony uncle. Whatever it is he’s done he’s obviously very sorry about it, but whatever it is you decide it’s up to you and no one else. Only you can follow your heart and come up with the choice that’s right for you, and only you.”
I really like Brian now. He seems very sincere and I think he and I are going to become firm friends. I hold up my glass to him. “To making the right choices.” He raises his glass to mine and we clink them together as he repeats my words back.
His phone decides to vibrate, so he quickly licks his greasy fingers and wipes them on his jeans to answer.
“Hey, babes, what’s up? Oh, you are? I was on the floor above visiting a new neighbour. She’s great; you have to meet her one day.”
He winks at me and I give him the thumbs up.
“I’ll be right down then. Okay, see you soon. Love you.”
He hangs up and thanks me for the wine and chicken.
“I better be off as he’s waiting for me downstairs. It was nice meeting you again. We must go out for a drink one night, if you want?”
I remember the strip club for the week on Saturday, but I’m not sure where we’re going yet and if he would really be into that sort of thing. What the hell.
“Well, a week Saturday a bunch of us are going to a strip club for a laugh. It was my birthday yesterday, so we’re celebrating that.”
I look at him to see if he thinks I’ve completely lost it, but he smiles.
“That sounds like fun. Let me know when it is and I’ll see if we can make it. Oh, and happy birthday for yesterday.”
“Thanks, that’s great. I’ll pop down when I know more then.” He leaves and I hastily make my way back to the bucket and wine. I grab it and head for the sofa placing my chicken on the coffee table. It is then I notice that the card is still sitting there from yesterday. I had forgotten all about that. I pick up the remote and flick through a few channels before I settle for a rerun of Friends. I love watching that program.
I hungrily get through the chicken quickly and get up to wash my hands. I’m keen to finally open this card and unlock the mystery of who sent it. I trace my finger under the line of the card and rip.
I pull the card out and it says, ‘To the birthday girl.’
I started to wish I had never seen it and just kept it there a mystery, for now I knew all too well who it was from. I start to shake as I reread what it says.
‘You’ve been a hard lady to find and now I see you’ve changed your name. It’s nice. I saw your picture in the paper and I must say you’ve turned into a beautiful woman. You got away from me all those years ago, I think it’s time I got what is due. See you soon sweet, Ana, and have a great birthday. Love A.’
My hands start shaking and my heart beats frantically in my chest. Every sound in the apartment is amplified and soon I turn into a paranoid freak, thinking he’s in the apartment somewhere. My breathing picks up and the panic rises like never before. I have no one here to help me through this. Jake was there through most of my panic attacks. He always knew exactly what to do to calm me down, but for now, I have no one.
My heart beats frantically and my head spins. Feeling dizzy I grip on to the coffee table with all my might and it is then I start to remember what Dr Townsend told me to do once the panic starts. I look around the room and settle my eyes on a painting above Jessie’s telly. It is a beautiful painting of a meadow. I take deep breaths and concentrate on the colors and the way the painting flows across the canvas. I see a little boy who looks as though he is running, and I will myself to think about that, imagining him playing happily in the field. It takes a while longer than normal, but soon I am starting to see some sense and I know there is no one here with me. It’s just my irrational thinking playing tricks on me. The card is on the coffee table again and I don’t touch it. I don’t want to touch it. I know I need to speak to someone, but I don’t know who. I can’t talk to Jake as he doesn’t know anything about Alan. The only person I can speak with is Jessie and I really don’t want to disturb her on her date with Jerry. I know that if I call Jessie, she will be in her car and on her way back to me in no time at all, but I don’t want to do that to her.
Heart calming I look across the room and spot a mini pink Cadillac on Jessie’s cabinet. I never noticed that there before. Suddenly lightning strikes and I remember Agent Marcos. He’s named after a British car. I run to grab my phone from the bag in the kitchen and look through to see if I can find his number. I’m not sure if I have it still from the last saga. What is he going to think of me? I bet he will wish I never came here from England. I’ve been nothing but trouble since we met. I have to tell someone though—plus he is the only official who already knows about him. I take another deep breath and dial his number. After two rings he promptly answers using his surname. “Andrew, hi, it’s Ana.”
“Ana, how nice to hear from you. You sound a little bit stressed, is everything okay?”
I shut my eyes as my heartbeat accelerates again. Please calm down.
“No, unfortunately not. I really need you to see something. I think Alan knows where I am now. I received a card from him.”
“Where are you, in McLean? I’m actually on the road round Falls Church and can be there in ten minutes.”
“No, I’m not living there anymore. I’m staying at a friend’s house in Fairfax called Sunnyside Apartments. Her door number is 410.”
“Okay, I’m punching the info in on my Sat Nav and should be there in about the same time. Hold tight okay, and don’t worry. I’ll see you very soon.”
“Thank you, Andrew. I appreciate this.”
“No problem at all.”
I hang up and sit there patiently waiting. Every minute seems like an hour. After about five minutes the door suddenly knocks and I’m wondering how on earth he could have gotten here so fast. I look through the peep hole and it’s Michael. Oh shit, how am I going to explain to him why an FBI Agent is coming to the apartment soon?
I open the door. “Michael, how are you? What are you doing round this neck of the woods?” I glide over giving him some space to pass. I’m actually glad he is here as the panic still reeling through my veins has subsided in his presence. But I’m still uneasy about the fact that Marcos will be here any minute.
“I just wanted to come by and see how you were. I knew Jessie was going to be staying with Jerry, so I thought you may appreciate the company. I hope you
don’t mind me springing this on you? You weren’t planning anything were you?”
We both sit on the sofa as Michael anxiously awaits my answer. “No, not at all. I will be having a visitor here shortly though.” I bite my lip and Michael spots my unease.
“Oh shit, is it Jake? I can leave if it’s going to cause you too much trouble.”
I shake my head, “No, no, nothing like that at all. Andrew Marcos is coming.”
He frowns in confusion and my heart picks up once again. I don’t know how much my heart can stand with all this frantic beating its taking.
“He’s FBI, isn’t he? What is he coming here for? You’re not dating him are you? I think he’s nearly twice your age, and married.”
“No, it’s nothing like that. I asked him to come.” I sigh heavily defeated at the knowledge that he’s bound to find out now. I’m about to tell him when there is another knock. “That must be him now.”
Michael stares on still confused. “All will be explained in a minute.” I rush to answer the door and Agent Marcos stands beaming at me.
“Ana, so nice to see you again. I wish I could say under different circumstances.”
I wave for him to come through and shut the door. Michael rises from his seat as he spots Marcos and they shake hands.
“I remember you from before, Michael is it?”
“Yes, that’s right. I’m not sure what’s going on; I’ve just walked right into this about five minutes ago.”
They both sit down and I offer them a drink busying myself in the kitchen to get Michael a beer and Andrew a coke. I pour myself another glass of wine and sit all the drinks on the coffee table.
“Is this it?” Marcos points to the card.
“Unfortunately, yes.”
He gets out his pen to slightly open the card. “May I?” he asks.
I nod my head and he looks, Michael hovering over to also take a peek. Marcos studies it and takes a deep breath.
Michael just frowns. “Who the hell is this asshole?”
Marcos looks at me obviously wondering just how comfortable I am with all this. Michael is a cop, he’s curious. They all are.